His hooded eyes meet mine with desire and I succumb to mine. I run my hands through his hair, my eyes locked on his as if in a trance. He clenches his jaw as his gaze falls to my breasts that are peeking out from the top of the sheet I have still clenched in my fists. He licks his lips like he is getting ready to attack his prey and I am instantly a wet ball of fire. I can’t break my gaze from Holden, mesmerized by how absolutely devastatingly sexy he is. Holden just oozes sex appeal when clothed, but like this, he is damn near irresistible. He is not only the best-looking man I have ever seen, but his looks are nothing compared to the man I know he is inside. His love could quite possibly be the one thing that could help heal the hole I’ve had in my heart for so long, and that terrifies me. “I just want you to be sure, Holden. I need you to be sure that this is what you want—me, the girls, all my baggage?”
He cuts me off and leans forward so that our foreheads are softly touching. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted, Camryn. You’re all that I’ll ever want for the rest of my life. I feel like I am drowning when we’re not together, always grasping for you when you’re not close. I lost you before and I’m never going to let that happen again.”
I smile and he smiles back and begins kissing my cheeks playfully. I slap at his firm, naked chest, trying not to notice how fabulously muscular he is. “I really should get back. It’s going to be morning soon.”
As much as I would love nothing more than to stay here until morning getting reacquainted with every inch of Holden, I really need to get back home before my dad wakes up, especially after his presumptive statement before I left his house. I don’t want him knowing I have already slept with Holden on our first official date. I am still his little girl, and don’t necessarily want to do the walk of shame in front of him.
Holden pulls me closer up onto his lap, with the only thing separating our naked bodies now being a small corner of the sheet. I can feel his desire pressing between my legs, making all reason seep out with each breath I take. “Do you really think your dad is waiting up for you, Cam? You’re an adult—he’s not going to ground you,” he husks, softly placing kisses down my neck and across my collarbone. He looks up at me with seductive eyes and lifts my body up, pulling at the sheet that was our only barrier like a magician revealing his trick. “I’m not done with you yet,” he growls.
Holden is on top of me before I can answer, his hands quickly finding the warmth between my legs that are calling to him. My breath hitches and I pull at his hair in ecstasy.
“Holden,” I pant out when he slips another finger into my folds, making me almost lose myself right then. “Let…me…at least go get a change of clothes from the house.” His mouth comes crashing down onto mine, filled with passion and desire.
“I’ve waited too long for this.” His lips are now moving down my neck and he takes my sensitive breast in his hand to meet his mouth. I can’t help but let out a wanton groan at the way he softly, yet possessively caresses my body. I’ve waited too long for this, too…it’s been a lifetime since I’ve felt this open with someone. I want nothing more than for Holden to devour every piece of me.
“Maybe I can go back in a minute.” I smile, unable to resist his seduction as he twists my nipples in his fingers while making his way back up to my mouth. Noises of pleasure are escaping me with his every touch.
Just as I feel my pleasure bubbling to the surface, he sits up and looks down at me as if he is seeing something for the first time. “You destroy me, Camryn. I can’t fucking wait another second to be inside you.”
He grabs a condom off the dresser and puts it on before I can even process what was happening. While our first time together was soft and slow, this time is filled with passionate desire. It is as if Holden is staking his claim on every inch of me from the inside out. His professions of love are securing my heart, while his possessive declaration for every inch of my body is securing my soul to his. Holden thrusts one last time hard inside me, shooting me straight to the edge of climax. Each kiss, each movement, sends me over the edge of pleasure. Holden’s skilled tongue mixes with mine while he gropes at my body like he will wake up and it will be gone. His every move seems to be trying to show me how much he wants me this time, where last time he seemed to want to show me how much he loves me.
“I want to make you come again so hard, Camryn,” he growls through his pleasure.
His words send me over the edge again. Just knowing this is for us, not just him, makes me fall apart. He is thrusting so deep into my core, I feel like I could explode. “Oh God, Holden, I’m there. Now Holden, now,” I say between breaths.
“I love you so fucking much,” he pants as he meets me at our peak. We crash down together, breathless and completely satiated. Holden pulls me over to the side with him so that we are spooning, looking out onto the moonlit, calm lagoon.
Holden kisses the back of my head. “Does it scare you when I tell you I love you, Camryn?”
It kind of does. “I don’t know.” I grab his hands in mine. “I feel like I’ve loved you since we were kids, Holden. But so much time has passed between us, that I don’t know if my feelings are about that time we had together or about how I’m feeling now. After you left me, I’ve never loved anyone that way again.” I am not sure what I’m saying but don’t want to hold anything back. “I know one thing, though, Holden. I know that the person who I have come to know again is someone I could love more than anyone in the world.” I kiss his hands, hoping he’ll understand. “But I’m scared to fall in love with you again. I’m scared I am falling in love with you again. I’ve spent half of my life trying not to love you; I’m just not sure how to go back.”
He is silent and I am scared to breathe. I don’t want to hurt Holden, but I owe it to him to be honest.
Holden starts playing with my hair, twirling it around his finger. This makes me smile because it is something he always did when we were younger. I always thought it was a really sweet gesture. “What do you mean by that, Cam?”
“By what?” I ask, not following him.
“When you said you’ve been trying not to love me,” he whispers as if the words are painful to say.
Crap, not again. “Nothing. Let’s talk about this another time, Holden. I really do have to get back home now.”
He holds me tightly, not letting me get out of bed. “Not so fast there.” He flips on top of me and has my hands pinned above my head. It is both incredibly sexy and extremely arousing. “Answer my question, then I’ll walk you home.” He is smiling devilishly. There is no getting out of this.
I blush, looking away, not sure if I can open up to him this way. Holden notices my hesitation and slides back down to my side, releasing my hands and brushes his knuckles across my cheek. “Tell me,” he demands sweetly.
His tortured green eyes meet mine, telling me how much he needs to hear me say the words. I take a deep breath. “Holden, I loved you in a way that was all-consuming. I loved you long before we ever got together. I’ve loved you from the first second we met on the dock in the second grade.” I can’t help but lean up and kiss his lips that are far too sad-looking right now. “Jake took a part of me that left me feeling empty and numb. And for a while, you filled that emptiness. The only time I didn’t want to disappear was when I was with you. But I also couldn’t give you what you needed to be happy, so you left. I guess a part of me is still afraid I can’t give you what you need.” It feels freeing to be so honest with him right now; I have to say this no matter how much it hurts him because it is the truth. “Holden, I thought of you when Marcus proposed, on my wedding day, when my kids were born. I hated that I thought of you because I hated that I wanted you there with me. But you weren’t, and us not being together was always your choice. So yes, I tried every day not to love you because you and I were never supposed to happen again.” I run my hand along his face. “But none of that changes the fact that I do love you. I love you with every part of me.”
He smiles reluctantly, and I’m not
sure if he believes me. This conversation is once again going in the wrong direction. I decide to lighten the mood and turn the table on Holden, just as he had to me earlier, and shock myself by flipping my naked, thirty-something body on top of his and taking his hands in mine, pressing them over his head. An instant smile creeps up on the corner of his lips and his sad green eyes flicker back to life. “I want to try, Holden. I want to trust you and be with you again. It’s all I’ve ever really wanted, but it is just going to take me time to reverse all of the damage that’s been done. I do love you, Holden, and I want to know you love me. I want to hear you tell me you love me.” I lean down and kiss him deeply, hoping the truth would flow through my lips. I wiggle my naked body lower down on his so that he is pressed up against my opening. I whisper, “I want you to show me how much you love me…just really…”—I rock my hips back and forth, rubbing against his growing manhood—“really slowly.”
“I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you, babe. I will make you know how much I fucking love you for the rest of our lives, and then, when we are sitting up in Heaven together, I will still spend eternity showing you that you are everything to me. You’re all I’ll ever need.”
Chapter Eight
Much to Holden’s dismay, I kept my word of wanting to take things slow between us. While that night of our first date turned into a lust-filled weekend with my dad actually leaving a note with food on the doorstep, the past few weeks have gone back to normal. Holden has been ridiculously busy fighting the injustices that seemed to be happening left and right after Hurricane Sandy, and I’ve taken on a more permanent position with the New Yorker, writing a weekly column. We’ve stayed focused on work and the girls during the week, but every other weekend is ours at the shore, and he definitely kept his word. When Holden and I are together on “our” weekends, it is like we are on a different planet, made only for the two of us. Each weekend there has been a different surprise waiting for me, and I have no idea how he manages to pull it off week after week. It is like he is designing each special moment we have with each other to show me how much he loves me and of how much he’s always loved me. The most touching and amazing night was when he took me to Point Pleasant boardwalk. It was one of our favorite places to go since we were kids, and was also our favorite place to make out when we were teenagers. Holden walked me out to the beach after a night of gorging on cheesesteaks and frozen custard. He led me, hand in hand, to our spot close to the water. It was a perfect night, with a full moon and thousands of stars reflecting across the gentle waves. He pulled out a towel he had stashed in his backpack and pulled me down onto his lap.
“We have to bring the girls here more often,” he said, kissing the top of my head.
I love that he is always thinking of Ellie and Sophie. Every time he mentions them, it is as if he is taking the threads of my torn heart and sewing them back together. I look up at him and smile. “Maybe they could skip this part.” I turn over on top of him and begin kissing his neck.
Holden laughs and guides my face to meet his. “They will definitely skip this part.” He pulls me back down and kisses me softly. It is a sweet kiss, but seems to be saying so much to me. He breathes in deeply, gripping my hair and making my heart feel as if it is going to burst. I know Holden loves me, but when he does things like this, it is as if he is attaching himself to my soul.
He rolls me to my side and wraps me tightly in his arms. “I love you so much, Cam. Being here with you like this makes it seem as if there is nothing else in the world that matters,” he says dreamily, stroking at my hair. “There’s so much I’ve wanted to say to you, but I don’t want you to push me away. I know you want things to move slow with us.”
I have to take things slowly because of the girls. It isn’t good for them to see me jump into a romantic relationship so quickly after my divorce from their dad. Marcus has promised to keep his relationship private for now, too, and Holden and I have done the same. When we are together with the girls, we keep our affections private.
I snuggle in against his chest and hold on to his broad chest tightly. “You can tell me anything.”
The Holden who I have come to know in private is quite different than his public persona. Holden has always been the tough alpha male, even as a child. But under that tough exterior is a sensitive, slightly broken soul like me. It is the part of him that I love most because it means that he is real. We all have our demons. It doesn’t make his tough exterior fake or manufactured; it just means that he is human. No one is perfect; no one is only strong and confident. He shows me that confidence is admitting and owning your flaws.
Holden pulls me in closer and takes in a deep breath. I can feel his heart pick up pace and know that whatever he is about to say made him nervous. And not much makes Holden Patrick nervous.
“Sometimes, when I think of my life, I wonder how I got to where I am.” He moves his hand so that he is stroking my hair. “Being with you, after all this time apart…seems surreal. Like a dream.” His voice is soft and ragged. “I get so pissed at myself sometimes, because I missed out on so much of what could have been for us if I hadn’t been such a scared, immature asshole.” He squeezes me tightly. “I should have married you. Ellie and Sophie should have been mine.”
I kiss his chest, not knowing what to say. I don’t know where he was going with this, and lay quietly, waiting for him to continue. I know Holden, and there is more he wants to say.
After a moment, he continues, “But I think that sometimes things happen for a reason. I think that the time we spent apart has only made me love you more. I want to prove to you that I deserve you now. I know I am a better man now, but only because I have you in my life again. You make me a better person. You make me whole. You and the girls have filled the broken pieces of my heart.”
“Holden,” I whisper and lean up, kissing his neck. His words are the raging fire to burn down the walls of my heart.
“It’s been months of going slow, but seems more like a lifetime. I want to be with you all the time. I want to be able to hold your hand everywhere we go. I want Sophie and Ellie to know how much I love their mom…how much I love them.” He suddenly sits up, pulling me up with him in his arms so that he is looking me square in my eyes. “I know it’s too soon to ask you to marry me, but I will make you my wife, mark my words. But you have to take down all the walls you keep putting up and let me in, Cam. I am not going to hurt you again. I am not going anywhere. Talk to Marcus and tell him that we are together, and you don’t want to hide it from the girls anymore. Hell, I’ll talk to him and tell him that I am going to be a permanent fixture, and not just Uncle Holden.”
I want all of this. I really do. I just don’t know if I can go through with this. I’m scared. I’m afraid to open the closed-off parts of my heart again. There has been a danger sign up around that part of my heart since it was destroyed years ago. But Holden seemed to be the only one to ignite the fire to burn down its walls.
“Holden, I want all of that too. But I need more time. So much has happened this year. So much has changed for both of us. I need to be sure that this is real. That once the novelty of being together again has worn off, that you’ll still be here.”
Hurt shoots across his face. “Cam, how I feel about you will never wear off. I mean it, never...” He takes my face in his hands, looking deep into my eyes. “Never. You are my family. I’ve loved you since I was an eight-year-old lovesick boy, too. I never, for one second, stopped loving you over all these years. You moved on with your life with Marcus, and you were happy. But now, you’re mine. And I’m never, ever going to let you go.” His lips crash against mine with fervor like he is claiming his prize.
“I’ll talk to Marcus,” I breathe out, defeated by his words through our kiss. I’ve never wanted anything more than to be his.
He pulls back and gives me the biggest smile I have ever seen. His eyes are sparkling with victory. “Mine,” he husks out possessively as he flips me over and hovers abov
e me. “You’ll always be mine. Forever.” Holden’s body is pressed against mine as he devotedly claims every inch of me.
It’s been two weeks since Holden and I had that conversation and tonight is the night that Holden and I are going to tell the girls about us. We want them to know before the Fourth of July party at my dad’s so that Holden and I can enjoy the night together with the girls without any worries. Marcus reluctantly agreed to our decision after a long talk with Holden. He is no longer dating the slutty brunette, so a part of me knew that some of his reluctance is jealousy. The woman he left me for dumped his ass about a month ago, and now he was truly experiencing what it feels like to be alone. I can understand Marcus’s hesitation, though. It isn’t because he is worried Holden and I won’t work out and the girls would be hurt. I think it is that he knows Holden and I will work out, and that Holden will be playing a bigger role in all of our lives. I will probably feel the same way when the roles are reversed.
Holden and I decided to take the girls to the boardwalk to break the news, just as Holden had hoped the night he asked me to take this leap with him. We take the girls on rides and eat enough to sustain us for the next week. It is the perfect night. Holden and I spend the night snuggling with the girls, and enjoying the time together. It almost feels like we are a family, but I don’t want to go there yet. I’m still not sure if I’m ready to fully let go. But this is the first step for us.
Dust to Dust: A Broken Fairy Tale Page 13
