by Grant, Livia
“I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this. I know it’s all my fault.”
Piper snapped her gaze back to Nalani.
“Oh no, you don’t. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. The only person who is at fault is behind bars—hopefully, for the rest of his life.”
“You know what I mean. If it hadn’t been because of me, you would have never come forward.”
“I’d like to think that’s not true, but I honestly don’t know. I do know this; going public has been the best thing for me personally. In fact, that’s why I decided to come see you, after all.”
“I’m sorry. I’m not following you. I thought you said how awful it is now that everyone knows the truth.”
Piper wasn’t sure she could verbalize her feelings, but she’d made it this far—she had to try.
“Here’s the thing, and there’s no way around it… Five years ago, I did exactly what you’re preparing to do. I told myself I had no one who could possibly understand. No one who could help me through what I was going through. I don’t have close family. I didn’t have close girlfriends. Nolan and I had barely started seeing each other.
“So, I ran away. Tried to heal as best I could on my own. Built up my icy shell, thinking I was protecting myself from ever being hurt like that again. And for a while, it worked… until I actually started to heal. That was when I realized the most important thing I’d lost the day of the attack.”
Piper paused, glancing back at Nalani to see if she was paying attention. Her unanswered question hung silently between them. To her credit, Nalani patiently waited until Piper was ready.
“By running away and closing myself off, I’d lost my shot at true happiness. I traded happy in for safety… traded love in for my need to maintain control. I threw away happily-ever-after with Nolan because I didn’t trust him enough to not pity me if he found out what Ainsworth had done to me. Only recently, I realized he’s as much a victim—at least psychologically, if not physically—as I am.”
“What are you saying? That Shane is somehow a victim too?”
“Well, isn’t he?”
Piper took it as a good sign that Nalani didn’t answer.
“I would argue that Jaxson, Chase, and Emma are victims as well. This has totally disrupted their beautiful place of business and brought a lot of negative publicity, not to mention how guilty they feel that one of their employees was hurt because of her job here.
“And what about Madison? She’s heartbroken she didn’t take your initial reports of Ainsworth’s violence more seriously. And the security guards who failed to see the abuse on their cameras and ban the bastard from the property long before your attack.”
“You’re just proving my point. This is why I need to leave. I remind them all of what happened every time they see me.”
“And you don’t think they’re going to think about this even if you aren’t here?”
“They’ll get over it faster with me gone.”
“Maybe, but I spent five years stumbling through my healing process alone. As horrible as what happened to you is, you are not and never will be alone. You have so many people who care for you. I came here to warn you that running away really sucks. I hope you don’t leave, but if you do, please know you can call me any time. Day or night. I’ll always be there to listen.”
The women sat in silence, the only sound the hum of a lawnmower in the distance.
Piper glanced over to Nalani and saw the tracks of her silent tears on her cheeks. She wished she could wave a magic wand and help her put the horror of what Ainsworth had done behind her.
She should leave. She’d said what she’d come to say, but her intuition kept her in her seat. When Nalani sniffled, Piper reached down to pull a tissue out of her bag, handing it to her to blow her nose.
“I know it’s none of my business, and you can tell me to butt out if you want, but I do have one other question I’m burning to ask you.”
Nalani looked her way, a wane smile on her lips. “You can ask anything, but I’m not sure I have answers to anything anymore.”
“I know that feeling. Like someone pulled the rug out from under your feet, and you’re falling, trying to grab onto anything solid you can to keep from falling farther.”
Nalani’s eyes widened. “That’s exactly how I feel. I never would have used those words, but… I’m so confused. One minute, I’m angry, then I’m crying, then I’m melting down in a panic attack. All within minutes of each other. I can’t wait until I can get through a day without feeling like I’m going to jump out of my skin.”
“Did I ever tell you what happened the day I found out about your attack?” Piper asked quietly.
“No.”
“It was probably the first truly happy day I’ve had in a really long time. I’d slept over at Nolan’s after the Oscar’s, and he arranged to have people come in all day to pamper me. A massage… mani-pedi… rest… and other things by the pool. I remember thinking how nice it was to finally feel like I was part of a couple, not just on my own.
“We were coming in to get ready to go to dinner when he turned on the TV, and that’s when I heard it. The announcer said the words Ainsworth and sexual assault, and that’s all it took. I was right back in that suite with him in Budapest. My ears were ringing, I dropped to my knees, screaming and holding my hands over my ears, trying to block out the TV. I had the mother of all panic attacks.
“And as awful as it was, for the first time, I had someone there with me. Holding me, comforting me, telling me everything was going to be okay. More importantly, for the first time, I finally believe that.”
Piper paused before looking Nalani in the eyes, asking the question she didn’t have the right to ask.
“Do you really love Shane?”
Nalani’s tears turned to sobs as she ground out, “So much it hurts.”
“Then tell me the truth. Are you leaving because of the attack or because he’s famous, and you somehow think you don’t deserve him?”
“I don’t deserve him! He’s had to change everything about himself to stay and take care of me. I know he loves me, but eventually, he’ll resent me. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to give him the kind of submission he needs.”
“Maybe you won’t. But… maybe, just maybe, you will. And more importantly, like it or not, this has changed him. Just like our separation changed Nolan. He has always been the alpha man in the room, and I loved that about him. Before the attack on me, he never in a million years would have submitted sexually to me in any way, yet on Valentine’s Day, he spent one-hundred thousand dollars to be my submissive the night of roulette, just to get close to me.”
“I heard that rumor. I didn’t think it was true.”
“Well, it is. More importantly, in the last few months, he’s become so in tune with my moods, he detects when he can and can’t go all dominant on me, both in and out of the bedroom. He’s forced me to talk about my feelings more than I ever thought I could.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“That you and Shane can find your way through this, too, if you give him a chance. It’s true, he may never go back to the same dirty talking kinkster he was, but make no mistake, this will stick with him forever, whether he’s with you or someone else. If you’re leaving so his life can get back to normal, you’re leaving for the wrong reasons. He can’t go back to the way he was before the attack, any more than you or I can.”
Piper pushed to her feet. She’d said what she’d come to say. The rest was in Nalani’s hands. She reached into the outside pocket of her bag and came out with a business card, reaching out to place it in Nalani’s lap.
“This has all of my private information. Call me. I mean it. Any time. I’ll always be here to listen if you find yourself alone.” Piper turned to walk back to the sliding door but stopped, delivering her final words over her shoulder. “I know you’re scared, but if you run away like I did, you’ll be letting Henry Ainsworth win. I
hope you’re stronger than I was.”
* * *
It was crazy that she was tired. She hadn’t done anything but sit around, feeling sorry for herself all day, but she was exhausted. Nalani picked up her phone to check the time, only to remember she’d turned it off when she couldn’t take one more wellness check.
Her brain knew how lucky she was to have so many people calling and texting to check in on her, but her heart hurt, knowing every one of them thought she was crazy for breaking up with Shane and resigning from Runway. She didn’t need them to tell her what a fool she was. She knew perfectly well, but that didn’t change a thing.
I love him, and he’s better off without me.
And she would be better off not staying where she would be slapped in the face by memories of what they had for a short while, not to mention, the media would always be able to get to her if they knew she was still working at Runway.
The last two days had been depressing but necessary. They were the first two days of relative peace and quiet she’d had since meeting Shane. In the weeks following the attack, she’d been surrounded at all times—police, doctors, nurses, security guards. By the time she’d finally started healing physically, she was convinced her friends and Shane had conspired to arrange for someone to be with her twenty-four-seven just in case her anxiety got the best of her. As afraid as she was to leave the property alone, she knew that it was time.
Nalani’s stomach growled, reminding her she had barely eaten that day. With the clubs closed on Tuesdays, the kitchens were also closed, Avery’s day off. Even though the thought of leaving the safety of her room to go through the dark mansion scared her, she realized if she couldn’t even get food from the Runway kitchen on her own, she’d never make it out in the real world.
Determined to gain some measure of control back over her future, Nalani pushed off the couch near the roaring fireplace in the Paris suite. Walking to the desk, she slipped on the flip-flops she’d taken off there a few hours earlier.
At the door, she took a deep breath, and before she could chicken out, yanked the door open. The sun had gone down, so the hallway was dimly lit. She peered up and down the hall nervously. Her brain knew Henry Ainsworth wouldn’t be running out of the Hong Kong suite to chase her as he had in the past, but that didn’t make it any easier to step out of the suite.
Thankfully, the grand entrance was well lit when she arrived at the winding and elaborate staircase that would take her to the main floor of the empty dance club.
Spooked, she made sure to turn on each light as she moved room to room—through the library, around the pool table and pinball machines in the game room, past the baby-grand piano and the huge cigar humidor built into the wall.
Entering the mammoth dining room with seating for dinner parties up to fifty, the first sound of voices made it to her. She stopped in her tracks, straining her ears to pinpoint where the sound was coming from. Her pulse sped up with the knowledge she wasn’t alone in the mansion as she’d assumed.
She told herself it was just a security guard, doing his rounds, but if so, who was he talking to? Nalani inched forward slowly toward the kitchen, and as she got closer to the open archway, the bright lights of the kitchen spilled into the dining room.
“I think we should just lock her in the Paris suite until she comes to her senses. I can’t bear the thought of her leaving and going out there alone without our protection.”
What was Avery doing in on her day off, and who the hell was she talking to?
“We can’t lock her in anywhere, or we wouldn’t be much better than Ainsworth,” Chase piped in.
“The hell with that! None of us would ever hurt a hair on her head.”
That was Roger’s voice from security. He’d taken her attack extra hard since he’d been the one who’d confronted Ainsworth that Sunday back in February.
“Alright, alright. I appreciate that everyone is just trying to help, but Chase, Emma, and I think we came up with the best solution. We have an apartment in D.C. above Runway East. It has state-of-the-art security and a panic room, just like here. We have twenty-four-hour security in the building, just like here. I’m going to offer to put Nalani up there indefinitely until she feels ready to move out. I’ve already talked to Maxine, and she’s thrilled with the idea of hosting Nalani. If, and when, she feels up to it, she can help Maxine with any number of jobs there.”
Nalani listened to Jaxson’s impassioned plan to help her as the tears she had been holding at bay returned. She was so touched her employers were going to so much trouble to keep her safe and happy. No, they were so much more than that—they were her friends.
Before she could chicken out, she resumed her walk, rounding the corner into the crowded kitchen. She’d known several people were there, but Madison and Trevor, along with Emma and the twins were sitting around the U shaped eat-in island.
Even Elijah was there, at the end of the counter with his back to her. When everyone turned to look up, Elijah spun on the barstool.
It was their first time seeing each other since the attack. Madison had confided, for some unknown reason, the dungeon master had really taken the news of her rape the hardest of everyone on staff. Watching his handsome face contort with pity was almost more than she could take.
The chatter of the lively group died down until only one of the twin’s good-natured gibberish remained. All eyes turned to Nalani as Elijah got to his feet and approached her slowly. The intensity in his eyes as he made his way closer made her want to look away.
Elijah stopped just shy of taking her in his arms, the normally larger-than-life Dom hesitating as if he were afraid to touch her.
“I’m so damn sorry, Nalani.”
There it was. Right on schedule. A fresh dose of pity.
“I know, but you have nothing to be sorry for—”
“You don’t understand,” he cut her off as he anxiously dragged his hand through his shoulder-length salt and pepper hair.
“What don’t I understand?”
“Everything. It’s all my fault.” Elijah’s voice quavered as he broke their visual connection to look away.
“What are you talking about? Absolutely nothing that happened to me was your fault, Elijah.”
“He was here because of me. I worked with him on several projects before I retired. I knew he was a fucking jerk, and no one liked to work with, but…”
Nalani turned his words around in her head, trying to make sense of what he was saying.
“I don’t understand. You knew he was a rapist?”
“Of course not!”
“Then you knew he liked to abuse women?”
“No, but I knew he was an asshole.”
She watched her friend closely, taking in the bags under his eyes and the defeated curl of his shoulders. He genuinely blamed himself for what happened to her. Reaching out, Nalani placed her palm on Elijah’s chest. She could feel his heart pounding.
“If we didn’t let assholes in, Jaxson, Chase, and Emma would have gone bankrupt by now. This town is full of them. You can’t blame yourself any more than I can. The only person who deserves blame is behind bars.” Nalani smiled as she recognized she’d just parroted Piper’s words from earlier that day.
“Still, I hate the thought of you leaving. You’re part of the Runway/Black Light family. You need to let your family help you get through this.”
Family.
As Nalani glanced around the room at the faces of so many people she loved, she recognized the truth of the label. They were family. But she knew what they didn’t—family just meant they had the ability to hurt each other more.
“What’s he doing here?” Avery’s question had everyone in the room looking outside to where she was facing.
Nalani turned to follow their lead, and her heart lurched with longing as Shane crossed the patio she’d been sitting on earlier that morning. The same patio where Piper had visited her and given her so much to think about.
“I
invited him.”
Nalani turned her attention back to the DM, surprised because she didn’t think Elijah approved of her and Shane. Elijah answered her unasked question.
“We said we were having a meeting of Nalani’s family.” He paused, pinning her with a serious glare. “Covington is the head of Nalani’s family.”
Her tears were back on cue.
“But you said there were better Doms for me.”
“I was wrong, and believe me, it pains me to say that.” The first hint of levity crept into Elijah’s voice. “He’s proven to me he’s worthy. Give him a chance, Nalani. Hell, give us all a chance to show you what being in a real family feels like.”
It felt like time stood still as the entire room held their breath, waiting for her to respond. She felt all eyes on her and braved a glance around the room.
She had expected to find the familiar look of pity, but instead, found love and hope. The sliding door to the patio opening and closing broke the silence, and as one, all eyes moved from Nalani to watch as Shane approached the kitchen.
He looked like a man on a mission. His long strides exuded confidence she envied—confidence she recognized had been absent for some time.
Shane didn’t even acknowledge the others in the room, walking past them directly to her. With each step he took, her heart rate increased until she felt lightheaded by the time he dropped the leather duffle bag he’d been carrying with a heavy thud, so he could pull her into a forceful hug.
Nalani burst into ugly sobs at the relief of being in his arms again, hugging him around his waist as hard as she could, burying her face in his chest. How had she ever thought she’d be strong enough to never feel his arms around her again? Never smell his masculine scent or hear the coos of love against her ear as he comforted her?
