A Grateful Kind of Love

by Ellie Wade

  She looks up to the three of us standing in the entrance to the kitchen. “Oh, hi. I didn’t know you were coming home today, love.” She then looks to Landon, and remorse lines her expression. “Thanks for bringing Amy home, Landon. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss.”

  I narrow my eyes, tilting my head to the side. “What are you talking about, Mom?” I ask, shooting a concerned look in Landon’s direction.

  My mom blinks, pursing her lips into a frown. “You two don’t know? Susie was going to call.”

  Landon clears his throat beside me. “She called a bit ago, but I was driving, so I didn’t pick up. I wanted to surprise her with a visit home today. What’s going on, Miranda?”

  She looks from Landon to me, her eyebrows squeezing together. “Well …” she starts before swallowing and taking a deep breath. “Stella died today.”

  My mouth falls open in a gasp as I bring my hand to my chest. “What? What do you mean? How? What?”

  My mom folds her hands in her lap and releases a sigh. She doesn’t stand but remains seated while she stares off toward the side of the kitchen as she speaks, “Apparently, Stella had a terminal form of brain cancer. From what Susie says, Jax knew about it before the wedding but didn’t tell anyone.”

  I cut her off, “What?” My voice is screechy and unpleasant.

  My mom’s gaze finds mine. She shrugs. “Yeah, I guess Stella didn’t want anyone to know. She wanted to live her life as if she weren’t dying.”

  “She had cancer when they got married?” Landon’s question is rhetorical because we’ve already been told the answer, but I need to hear the answer again, too.

  “That’s what he told Susie this morning,” my mom says.

  I shake my head. “I don’t understand. We live in the same city. We could’ve helped them. I don’t know …” I raise my hands, facing my palms up. “We could’ve brought them food, helped with doctor appointments … something.”

  I think of Jax dealing with a dying wife, and my heart breaks.

  Why did he want to do it alone?

  “Typical Jax … always the martyr,” Landon says in a hushed tone beside me. “I have to go home.”

  I let go of the leash, allowing Tucker to run inside, as Landon and I step back and out of the house. I close the door.

  We pull each other into an embrace. I hold Landon tight.

  Eventually, he steps back. “I need to go see my parents. I’ll pick you up later, okay?”

  “Okay.” I nod.

  “I love you.” He kisses me on the head.

  “I love you, too,” I reply back as he turns to leave.

  I stand outside until Landon’s car has disappeared down the long country road, leaving nothing but dust and heartache in its wake.

  I can’t imagine how Landon must be feeling. Or Jax. Then, there’s Stella. Guilt consumes me as I think about how much I judged her and held a secret disdain for her solely because she wasn’t Lily. She was always so nice to me, but I never gave her a chance. I was cordial and kind, but it was all superficial. If I marry Landon someday, she would’ve been my sister-in-law. Perhaps our friendship would’ve grown into something real, but now, we’ll never know.

  I can’t imagine what it must’ve felt like for her, living this past year, knowing it was most likely her last.

  I head back inside.

  “How’s Landon?” my mom asks once I enter the living room where she’s now seated on the couch with Tucker.

  “I’m not sure,” I tell her honestly.

  “Death is never easy. Especially when someone so young passes.” She gazes out the window.

  “Does Lily know?”

  “Yeah, I was just getting off the phone with her when you got here. She’s catching a flight out tonight.”

  “Oh, that’s good,” I say for lack of anything better.

  We sit in silence for a while.

  “Poor Jax,” I say, and my mom nods in agreement. “Poor Stella,” I add.

  A sad smile crosses my mom’s face. “Yeah, poor Stella’s parents.” She shakes her head. “I can’t imagine.” She pulls in a deep breath and pats my knee. “So, just coming home to visit for the day?”

  “Yeah,” I answer.

  “So, how is life for my girl and her pup?”

  “Good.” I press my lips together in a pseudo smile.

  “The hospital keeping you busy?”

  “Definitely.”

  We catch up on life in an attempt at normalcy, but no amount of idle conversation could ever make the news of the day feel normal.

  Stella’s gone.

  Hearts are broken.

  And Landon’s still my secret.

  Amy

  Coat closets.

  Landon.

  Failed proposals.

  I hug Jax. “It was a beautiful service,” I tell him.

  “Thanks, Amy. Thanks for coming.” He smiles, but it doesn’t touch his eyes.

  “Can I get you a drink?” I ask him.

  “Yeah, that would be awesome.”

  “What would you like?”

  “Let’s start with beer. Whatever’s on tap. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long night.” He looks to the table where his friends have already started doing shots.

  “I think it is,” I say with an air of uncertainty. Maybe a night getting wasted is just what Jax needs. But maybe it’s not.

  I follow my parents deeper into the restaurant where Jax is hosting Stella’s wake, leaving Lily behind me to greet him.

  I make my way to the bar.

  It’s true that Stella’s funeral was beautiful—as lovely as a funeral can be, I suppose. It’s been such an odd day. It’s hard, knowing the right things to say or do in this type of situation. I’m just trying to be as supportive as I can.

  After ordering Jax’s beer, a tall body slides up next to me.

  “I’ll take the same, please,” Landon says to the bartender, nodding toward the beverage in my hand.

  “How are you?” I ask him.

  “Eh,” he replies with a noncommittal grunt. “How are you?”

  “Same.”

  “I’ve missed you,” he tells me, rubbing his finger across my hand.

  “Me, too.”

  Landon has been staying at his own house this past week, hosting his parents, who’ve been staying there as well. The three of them ran to Jax’s every day to help him get ready for today.

  I hold up the glass in my hand. “I have to get this to your brother.”

  All the guests have found their way into the room that Jax has rented for the night. I make my way over to where he is standing with some guys he played football with at U of M.

  They’ve all just finished taking a shot of an amber-colored liquid.

  I extend the glass of beer toward Jax. “Here you go,” I tell him.

  “Thank you,” he says.

  I leave Jax and his buddies to their coping rituals and find my parents and sisters seated at a large, round table covered in a white linen. There’s a massive centerpiece of pink roses and while lilies that make the space smell so beautiful. My dad must have ordered a bottle of wine because he’s currently filling four wine glasses.

  “There you are,” he says and hands me a glass as I take my seat.

  “I was just getting Jax a beer.”

  After I’m seated, I take a moment to look around at how beautifully the restaurant is decorated. “It’s so pretty in here. It almost looks like a wedding.”

  “I know,” Lily agrees. “Jax says Stella planned this all.”

  “That’s sad,” I say.

  “It is,” Lily agrees.

  My attention draws to Kiki. “I’m going to be twenty-one next month, Dad. Seriously,” she says with a huff.

  “Well then, next month, you can have a glass of wine,” he retorts.

  “You know I drink plenty at college, right?” Kiki’s annoyed expression zeroes in on my dad.

  “Keeley, now’s not really the time to have
this argument,” my mom tells my little sister.

  Kiki nods. “You’re right.” She stands down.

  “So, what is everyone eating?” Lily asks.

  My mom points to the side of the room where a large buffet stands. “They have a buffet with most of the dishes on the menu. So, you can try it all if you wish.”

  “Oh, nice. I’m starving.” Kiki stands from the table and heads toward the food.

  The rest of us follow.

  A string quartet serenades us from a few feet away as we dish up our plates.

  “I’m not surprised that even this event is perfect. Of course it is; she planned it,” Lily says to me, shaking her head, a sadness in her voice.

  “How’s Jax holding up?” I ask her as I scoop a giant heap of vegetarian lasagna on my plate.

  “Honestly, I don’t know. We haven’t spoken much this week. I’ve been keeping my distance. This is all so weird.”

  “I know it is. But you’re his best friend, and more than anything, I’m sure he needs you right now.”

  “I’ll go hang out with him after we eat,” she agrees. “How have you been? Your puppy’s adorable. Are you dating anyone?”

  “I’m good. Yeah, Tucker’s the sweetest. I love him. I’m doing good,” I repeat the last statement in lieu of answering her last question.

  “Living in New York, I feel so isolated from everyone.”

  “Are you thinking about moving back?”

  “I don’t know. No. Yes. Maybe. Someday.” She shrugs. “Do you think Jax married Stella because she was sick?” she asks me the question I think we’ve all been wondering.

  “Truthfully, Lil, I’m not sure. It seems like something he would do, putting his happiness on hold to do the right thing. Like that bullcrap with his dad and football and breaking up with you. But who knows? Ask him.”

  Lily shakes her head. “I don’t think he’d admit it if it were true anyway. I’m sure he’d see it as dishonoring her memory.”

  “Maybe so,” I agree.

  After we’ve finished our meals and another glass of wine, Lily excuses herself to go talk to Jax. Shortly thereafter, Landon walks up to our table.

  “Excuse me, but can I borrow Amy for a second?” he addresses my family.

  “Sure,” my mom says.

  I stand to follow him.

  He leads me toward the back of the restaurant, through a dark hallway, and into an empty coat closet.

  “What are you doing?” I say in a hushed whisper as Landon locks the closet door behind us.

  “I miss you. I hate this. I can’t stand how we have to pretend that we’re not together. I’m fucking twenty-nine years old, Amy. I shouldn’t have to hide my girlfriend in the closet to be able to kiss her. It’s times like this that one needs their love beside them.” His voice sounds pained, and it causes a deep ache to swell within my chest.

  “I know. I need you, too. But we can’t just announce our love for one another right after your brother lost his wife. It’s not good timing,” I plead.

  He steps closer and threads his fingers through my hair, and my skin tingles at his touch.

  “Jax loves me. He would want me to be happy. He wouldn’t care. Enough is enough, Amy. Hell, they should’ve already known! We’ve been together for the better part of a year, and I’ve loved you a hell of a lot longer. I’m done. I’m through with playing these games. If you love someone, you tell the world.”

  “I do love you, and I’m ready to tell everyone. Just not now. Please.”

  “When?”

  “Soon. I promise.” I softly kiss him.

  “Very soon?” he whispers against my lips.

  “Yes.” I nod.

  He deepens the kiss, causing my pulse to race. My entire body leans into his, craving his warmth.

  His hand glides down the side of my body until he’s under my skirt and inching toward my panties.

  I grab his wrist. “What are you doing?”

  He pulls on my earlobe with his lips and whispers, “You know what I’m doing.”

  “We are not doing this here,” I insist with as much conviction as I can muster. “We’re at a funeral.” I pull in a sharp breath as his fingers work up my thigh.

  “No, we’re at a celebration of life, and we’re celebrating.”

  I place my hands against his chest and push him an arm’s length away. “No.” My voice is needy. “You’ve been over there, downing shots with Jax and his friends, yeah?”

  “Yeah.” He leans in and kisses me, his breath an irresistible combination of liquor and mint.

  “How many shots?”

  “Enough to know that I can’t spend another night without you.”

  “Landon,” I groan as he works delicious pecks up my arm.

  “Yeah, babe? Do you want me to stop?”

  I take a deep breath. “Yes.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yes.”

  Landon’s lips leave my skin, and he faces me. “I think that’s a mistake.” He lifts his thumb and drags it across my lips.

  “Maybe you’re right. But, if we can’t control ourselves at a wake—”

  He cuts in, “A celebration of life.”

  “Whatever.” I smile and pat his chest. “If we can’t refrain here, then we have issues.”

  “I’m fine with issues as long as they’re with you.” He captures my mouth with his. “I love you,” he moans against my lips.

  “I love you, too.”

  “I’m coming over tonight, and we’re finishing what we started here. When we do, I want to hear you scream my name.” His fingers dig into my hips. “Amy, I fucking love you. Please marry me.”

  My eyes widen, and I lean back. “Marry you?”

  “Yes, babe. We’re meant to be. You’ve always been the one for me. I don’t want to spend another day of my life where you’re not mine in every way possible.”

  I wrap my arms around Landon’s neck. I kiss him, just a peck. “I love you, but no.”

  Landon steps back. “No?”

  I straighten my dress and smooth my hair down before stepping around him. I unlock the door and turn to face him.

  “Next time you propose to me, make sure it’s not after a failed, drunken sex attempt in a closet at a funeral. And you’d better have a ring. See ya tonight.” I shoot him a wink before turning to walk out.

  “Wait, Amy,” Landon pleads, his voice soft.

  I face him. “What is it?” I ask, concerned.

  He holds me captive in his stare, his eyes a deep shade of honey. “Don’t forget to tell Bass about this.”

  I blink. “What do you mean?”

  “Just tell him everything, so he knows how hot our relationship is,” he says in all seriousness.

  “You’re joking.” I shake my head with a chuckle.

  “No, he should know because we”—he points his finger from his chest to me and back again—“are hot.”

  I furrow my brow. “I thought you said it wasn’t a competition?”

  “Everything’s a competition, baby, and we’re the winners.”

  Amy

  Fat cats.

  One-week agreements.

  Fresh air.

  The air is pungent with a mix of lemon disinfectant and a slight undertone of urine. The combination of smells is giving me a headache.

  “Are you sure about this?” Landon questions, his voice unsure. “I don’t know.”

  “No, this is right.” I nod as I hold the fat, silky ball of a cat in my arms. “Jax needs him.”

  “Jax needs a lot of things right now. Just not sure an obese cat is the answer.” Landon walks around the room, looking at the other cats in the metal cages at our local shelter.

  “He needs companionship. It’s not good for him to be alone all the time. Animals are therapeutic. And this guy is so sweet. Listen to him purr. He’s perfect.”

  “You’ve seen Jax. He can barely take care of himself. You really want to risk the life of Fatty here?”

&nbs
p; I laugh. “Stop. He’s not fat, just pleasantly plump. Plus, cats are super easy to take care of. Food, water, litter—that’s all he needs. Jax can handle that, and if not, either you or I can check in on him daily. We can take over the cat tasks for a while. He can just be there to snuggle up with Jax, make him feel better.”

  “All right, you’re the brains of this operation. I trust you.” Landon pets the cat in my arms.

  “He’ll help Jax. I know it.”

  Animals have this magical quality to them. They love their people unconditionally. I know Landon’s brother needs that now. Granted, cats can be tricky. They aren’t as predictable as dogs. A dog will love its person without question, but Jax isn’t ready for a dog. Cats have minds of their own and can be more independent and less loving than dogs. But I can tell by this guy’s personality that he’s a lover. It’s why I wanted to rescue an adult cat. It’s impossible to know what kind of personality a kitten will grow into, but an adult cat doesn’t hide the way it feels.

  “Here.” I hand the cat over to Landon. “You hold Mr. Snuggles, and I’m going to go fill out the paperwork and grab the supplies.”

  “Mr. Snuggles?” Landon raises an eyebrow.

  “For now.” I grin. “Jax can name him whatever he wants, but for the next hour or so, he will be affectionately known as Mr. Snuggles.”

  After finishing up at the Humane Society, we drive directly to Jax’s house. We didn’t let him know we were coming, but we never do. He wouldn’t pick up his phone anyway.

  My heart goes out to him because, honestly, I see so much of myself during my dark days in him. It’s not a good place to be. I’m sad for him. I know he has to work through this the way that’s best for him, but I’m going to do everything in my power to help him get through the darkness quicker.

  Landon and I take turns, checking on him, bringing him food, and cleaning his house. Jax has seemingly given up on all vital aspects of life, but I know that it won’t make him feel better, sitting in a filthy house, being hungry. We can’t fix everything, but we can fix those things. And Mr. Snuggles is going to help in ways Landon and I can’t.

  “Knock, knock,” Landon calls out as we enter Jax’s house.

  We find Jax lying on his couch, watching the Food Network.