by Ursula Paul
“As though part of something is missing.”
“Of course,” continued Julian. “It is different and always will be different. But life has to go on. We still have our separate lives to live, work to do. The three of us will have to work through our grief – perhaps in different ways. For now, let’s pray for him and even have a quiet word with him. Later we will consider ways towards justice, but right now….” His voice faded as his eyes filled with tears.
“You’re right,” whispered Eddie.
“Yeah,” added Joe, choking back tears.
The waiter had replenished their drinks when Julian looked to Joe and asked quietly, “Joe, do you still want to tell us something?”
Joe looked down, as though studying the table for words. Then, quickly jerking up his head and looking at both his friends he began, “Yeah. It’s rather hard right now. For the sake of our friendship, I want to be upfront with you both. In essence… I have broken my vows.”
Hesitantly, Joe shared with his friends the path of his relationship with Naomi.
“It’s real, isn’t it?” Eddie commented softly. “You really do love this girl.”
“Yes,” Joe answered quietly. “We parted after our night together – nearly a year ago now. The only contact we have had since then was a brief meeting when she came over to be with her family for Christmas. We do not have any hope of a future together – we both know that. And, yes, I still love her deeply.”
“Joe, I presume you have talked over the possibility of having your vows annulled, leaving the priesthood and marrying Naomi. Church rules could not deny you that.” It was a comment, rather than a question from Julian.
“Thanks, Julian,” responded Joe. “Yes, we know. When we first parted I thought I’d go crazy. I needed her so desperately. I knew, had she phoned and told me she was missing me as much as I was missing her, I would have caught the first plane to Melbourne. But she didn’t contact me, and I just went through hell on my own. The primitive need for her eased after some months. But, if anything, my love for her has grown. Through the year I have come to realize that my call to the priesthood is real – I will remain – and give it my best. As to the future… God only knows.”
“Are you really okay, old mate?” Eddie asked.
“Sure Eddie. Thanks guys for listening. I don’t feel so isolated now that I’ve told you.”
“Thanks for trusting us, Joe,” added Julian. “Never forget Eddie and I are always ‘around’ for you. And Simon will be keeping an eye on all of us.”
“That’s for sure,” added Eddie.
Eddie turned to Julian. “Julian, we haven’t forgotten… if you…” He stopped, searching for words.
“Yes,” replied Julian. “Sorry to throw this to you too – at this time.” He paused for some time, then continued, “It’s important to me that you guys should know first – I’m leaving the priesthood.”
Eddie and Joe appeared stunned and lost for words.
Julian continued, “This is not a split decision. I have had doubts regarding my call to priesthood for some years – possibly even back to my ordination. Naturally I have prayed about it and done some reading on post-Vatican theologies. I talked this over with Mum and Dad when I was home last month. They are right behind any decision I make. I have any needed support and help there. I am meeting with my bishop in a couple of weeks’ time. But I wanted to tell you first. As I said, this is not a split decision. I am not leaving the Church, just changing gears within it. I’m pretty sure now that God wants me somewhere else.”
“Wow!” gasped Joe.
“Joe, I do feel for you,” Julian continued. “Your call to the priesthood is so real but it is denying you the companion in life you so dearly love. While for me, my call I have yet to discover, but it is not to the priesthood for the rest of my life. Although this would open the door for me to a partner in life, there is no one there for me – not now any way. How mixed up life can be!”
Joe nodded in silence.
Eddie looked toward Julian. “Julian, you know you will always have our support. I’m surprised, but not shocked. You are a true thinker – you will think and understand as far as is humanly possible. I wish you every joy and blessing in wherever your new life takes you.”
Joe added, “And the same from me!”
Julian looked toward Eddie. “Well, Eddie, any bombshells from you?”
Eddie laughed. “No mate. Boring old me goes on as is!”
Bar sounds had long since faded to silence when the three friends rose.
In their scrum prayer stance – as Simon had described it many years ago – they prayed in silence and in whispered tones in thanksgiving for the past and for guidance for the future.
And Simon was not forgotten.
With firm handshakes they parted in silence, knowing the past was gone and the unknown future twisted before them.
Part Two
Joe
Chapter One
As Joe looked back on the past two years, he wondered how he had survived. Would I have survived without the friendship of Julian and Eddie, he often thought. Yet he was always aware that they too had inner battles with which to contend. There had also been times when he had been there for them, as well as the times in which they had been there for him in the painful times.
He also knew he was making a free choice. Since Vatican II he was aware of many priests, including a few in his ordination year, who had sought and received dispensation from their vows. They had gone on to an apparent happy and successful life in the secular world. He was also aware that many had married – in the majority of cases within a Catholic church ceremony. Yet he also knew, some in frustration, some in anger, some in inner pain, had walked away completely from the Church in which they had served for many years.
Why had he remained to serve in a Church, many of whose rules and regulations he seriously questioned! There seemed to be no clear answer. Some inner force was leading him, at times holding him still. The God in Whom he still firmly believed no longer seemed the centre of the official church in which he served. Yet he still felt the call, not only to stay but to stay and confront.
As CYMS chaplain he watched with pride as Tim and his helpers forged ahead with plans for growth of the Club. His years as chaplain, he knew, he would remember with happiness – happiness not only in witnessing its growth, but happiness in the knowledge of the help it had been to its members. There were also so many memories of weddings and Baptisms apart from the many social functions over the years.
And Naomi! In the years since they had found and lost each other, they had had only brief encounters. She was now a school principal – with an excellent reputation he had heard. He had written – rather than phoned – to tell her he would be in Melbourne the following week and to ask for a meeting. He had not referred in any way to the fact that he would be leaving the country in two weeks’ time.
A few months earlier he had heard of the need for chaplains for the forces going overseas to fight in the Vietnam war. A spur of the moment decision, he applied. After a couple of intense interviews, his application was accepted. He had already spent a week home with his parents. He knew they would not be happy with his decision. But, as he also expected, they backed him in his choice. With parents, siblings and his many nieces and nephews, the week was a happy family one. He knew prayers and blessings for him would always flow from his home area.
The week before the three friends had managed to meet. He had already been given permission – and his blessing – from his bishop for time out as an army chaplain. The Club and parishioners had given him a tremendous send-off. The three friends met in Sydney. Eddie, now in Bourke, had been given a week off to spend with his family, while Julian, now back at university, advised he would be ‘on the spot.’
“Meeting you guys always a shot in the arm!” declared Eddie. “But don’t take it literally!”
“Great to see you both,” laughed Julian.
“I neede
d your support before I took off,” smiled Joe.
“Mate, you know you always have it!” Julian nodded to Eddie’s statement.
They relaxed in each other’s company, knowing nothing said would be repeated, nothing said would cause shock waves.
“You are a surprise packet, Joe. Fancy, Vietnam!”
“Yes, I know Eddie. It was rather a sudden decision, but I’m glad I made it.”
“And Naomi…” Julian began. “How are you?”
“Hard to put things into words,” Joe replied. “I’m no longer desperate – I think! But my love for her hasn’t changed. I’ve written, asking her to meet me next week. We haven’t had time together…” He stopped, then continued, “…in two years. I want to see her before I leave. I need it. And perhaps she does.”
“Yes,” both answered softly.
Eddie related briefly on his recent appointment to Bourke. A bout of coughing overtook him as he spoke.
“You okay?” his friends asked. “Here… water.”
“Fine, thanks. Just a bit of a cough I get now and then. Not much to tell. They gave me a great send-off from Bree.”
“So they should,” both answered.
“Well,” answered Justin to the question of his present life, “a couple of firms have offered me a position, prior to finals in a couple of weeks. One firm in particular is the one everyone dreams of – so I’m lucky.”
“They’ll find out soon enough where the luck stands!”
Time flew all too quickly. Each breathed a prayer and a wish for the others as passersby witnessed the usual ‘bear hug.’ Simon was not forgotten.
“We’ll meet on your first leave,” Julian stated.
“Even if I have to ‘hitch’ all the way!” added Eddie.
As they walked away each whispered a prayer for their friends and the new lives into which each was walking.
Chapter Two
Joe arrived early. Naomi had answered and suggested a café she knew Joe would find with little difficulty. As he waited, memories flooded in and out. The present seemed unreal. Was he really going to meet Naomi again – see her and talk with her without other people all around?
The present became real as she walked toward the table. He rose. How to greet her?
She took the initiative as she squeezed his hand firmly.
“Nae, you look great!” He spoke automatically.
“So do you, Joe,” she answered.
As he looked into her face – still a beautiful face – he could not but notice how thin and drawn it had become. And the big purple eyes – where had the light gone?
Short, polite conversation followed; Naomi’s work, Joe’s family.
Suddenly, Joe spoke out. “Sorry Nae – if I don’t talk now I may not be able to later. I want you to hear from me – I’ve joined the army as a chaplain – will be going to Vietnam shortly.”
Taken aback, Naomi answered, “Joe, why? It could be dangerous!” Then gaining control, she added quietly, “If that’s your decision I hope it will be…” She stopped as though seeking the right word. Then added, “I hope you will be safe and that it will be a fulfilling decision.”
Further discussion was interrupted as the waiter took their order.
Silence followed until Joe enquired, “How’s school going, Nae?”
“Great,” she smiled back. He was aware of a hesitation – is there something she is going to tell me – before she continued, “It is a great school and we’re making plans for the future.”
“Great!” he answered, then became aware of the repetition.
Their coffee was served. They drank in silence.
Eventually Joe could stand it no longer. He reached across the table and took her hand.
She flinched.
“Nae, don’t worry. I just want to talk to you. Life without you in the last couple of years has been…” he hesitated, “hell – yes, hell – especially in the early days. I longed for you. Over time that has eased. But I still love you – even more if that’s possible. I’m no longer desperate but I do love you very deeply. In case I don’t return from Vietnam, I needed to see you again. Just to see you and wish you happiness.”
She was now holding his hand in both of hers. Her eyes were misty.
“Joe,” she whispered. “It has been the same for me. Part of me had hoped it was all over for you and you were not hurting as I was. But part of me was hoping you returned my love. Thank you for today.” Tears were now falling.
They squeezed hands across the table and laughed through tears. Once again there is light in her eyes, Joe noticed. Once again there is joy in his smile, Naomi noticed.
“Let’s get out of here,” Joe whispered as he stood and took her arm.
Arm in arm, they walked through the park, with so much to say, so little time left in which to say it. Now and then they stopped to look at each other – looks that relayed everything.
Eventually, Joe whispered, “Nae – I’ll have to catch a taxi – my plane leaves in little over an hour. But,” he added, “we are going to keep in touch. Today has given me new hope in life. When I get back, we are going to work something out – at least days like today to be together. The Church cannot deny us that.”
“No, it can’t,” she agreed. “Thank you for everything, Joe. You have no idea how today has given me new life. I do love you.”
He pulled her to him. She pressed close as they kissed passionately.
A taxi pulled up. As he jumped in he turned to her, “Au revoir, my darling Nae. Will see you soon. God bless you. Love you.”
“Love you too. God bless and keep you safe,” she whispered as the taxi sped into the distance.
Should I have told him, she asked herself. No, she decided. These few hours were ours to be happy, not to dwell on the pain of the future. Naomi had received the news a month previously – she had terminal cervical cancer. She had decided to remain in her school position for the couple of months remaining that year. Next year, she had been warned, would be her last. How the disease would affect her was unknown, but life would fade sometime in the near future. Nothing could give her hope for the future. But today had given her joy – wonderful joy in knowing that the man she so deeply loved returned her deep love. She knew now that she would keep in constant contact with him. When the time came – well, she hoped she’d know when the time came – she would tell him. For now, she told herself, he really does love me.
Chapter Three
Watching Sydney quickly disappearing into the distance felt as though he were viewing from outside the plane. He knew he was strapped in an aircraft heading for Saigon. Yet it seemed such a surreal situation, not helped by the whirlwind feel of the last couple of weeks.
Farewell to family and friends merged with briefing on what was expected of him. Now, as the jet soared higher, Joe took notice of his surrounds. Were these young Australians facing the unknown of Vietnam for the first time? Or, more likely, Joe decided, they were returning after home leave. More negative reports on this war were appearing in the press. The glory of victory, forecast for some years, was no longer being promoted. Stories were filtering through of young conscripts returning home to mental institutions.
Joe was awoken from his ponderings by a quiet, “You’re the new padre, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” Joe smiled in reply to his travelling companion, not failing to notice the scar on his right cheek. As he extended his hand he added, “I’m Joe. And yes, I’m new to Vietnam.”
His companion took Joe’s extended hand as he responded, “Good to meet you, Joe. I’m Hugh – officially Captain Brown – but this is no time or place for officialdom! I was in your position three years ago – coming to Vietnam with high hopes and dreams of fighting for freedom!” He paused, then continued angrily, “Freedom! Freedom when so many of our soldiers were conscripted. Freedom – what did we know before we blundered in!”
Joe felt uncomfortable. Hugh soon continued.
“Sorry mate. Shouldn’t
have taken out my frustrations on you. So many of our young guys are being sacrificed in this unwinnable war! And, mark my words, when this is over we won’t be coming home to pats on the back, like at the end of other wars. Oh no! It will be a kick in the tail for us.”
Once again he went silent. At a loss for any answer, Joe too remained silent.
Minutes later Hugh looked over to Joe and smiled wanly. “Sorry, mate. Not the best of welcomes to the team. My anger and frustration boils over sometimes. Sorry you had to cop it.”
“That’s okay,” was Joe’s ready answer.
“I won’t blast any more for the rest of the journey,” Hugh promised.
He kept his promise. The rest of the journey their conversation covered their families and the work they had left behind in Australia.
Hugh showed special interest in Joe’s upbringing. “Farm life! Must have been great!”
“Certainly was,” Joe agreed.
“I had hopes of going on the land once,” Hugh continued. “Married a country girl. We ended up in business in a big country town – not a country farming town. It’s okay. We’ve done well. Own our own business – we’re both accountants – and our kids are now in late high school.”
Joe could see the tension fade, replaced by joy as he talked about his wife and family. Joe encouraged him to expand on the subject obviously dear to his heart.
“Yeah,” Hugh continued, “We’re lucky with our kids. A few teenage problems, but nothing major. They’re only a year apart, so they’ll both be off to Uni soon. And,” he smiled as he continued, “I have a gem in Mollie. She has kept both home and business going in my absence. When I received the call to duty we decided – a mutual decision – not to apply for exception, which I probably would have been given. We decided we would make this sacrifice for our country.” He stopped, fighting inner feelings. After a brief pause he continued, “No – I won’t go down that path again! It has been hard for us both – the hardest of all parting this time. But, one way or the other, it will be over soon!”
