by Kat Pace
OK, this isn’t SO bad. In fact this tension-charged atmosphere is more like what I expected to feel the first time I came back. It’s like… OK. I’m on Champagne Island, stranded and alone with no food and no water and 9/10 gonna die. But hey, at least it’s not raining.
Always a silver lining.
Maybe I’ll survive after all.
Oh look, a thunderhead.
Nate informs us that Alex is breaking up with Katie for the third time since New Years. That’s why he isn’t here right now. Can’t say I’ll be sad to see her go. My eyes keep wandering over to him. I want to pull my phone out to text Trevor just to keep myself from doing something I’ll regret. Really, it would just be unfair to Trevor.
Ten country songs and three piña coladas later, Trix and I stand up first. Meg and Nate leave the bar first. Travis leaves to pull the car around. I refuse to let him get mine. Seriously, it’s one block away. What can happen in one block?
Brooks stops beside me, head hanging low. DON’T SMELL HIM. Don’t even think about it, Emmy. The proximity kills me and I’m reminded of the last time we were at this bar –of what happened at this bar.
Instead, I focus my eyes on the Edge logo on his sweatshirt. If the mountains were real, I’d pitch myself off them.
“Are you going to the Tenfire?” He asks, shoving his hands into his pant pockets.
REALLY? The fucking nerve dudes have.
“Yea,” I say. Why do you ask? I think. I roll my eyes at Trix. “She’s making me.”
“Course she is,” Brooks says, like he knew I wouldn’t be going of my own accord.
No shit.
“I’ll see you there, then.” He says.
I nod. “I guess you will.”
Why’s he do this? To me? Why’s he look at me like he can’t see anything else? It won’t work this time. Not on me. He’s further away from me now than he was after the nine years we spent apart. He’s just a stranger my heart can recognize.
Travis is back now. He joins us out front and lights a cigarette. I shift a foot or two away from Brooks. He moves too. Travis and Trix are looking at us sideways.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
“I’m actually gonna go with Em,” Trix says, looping her arm through mine again.
“Yea?” I look at her.
“Is that cool?” She asks.
“Of course it’s cool! Travis, can I have her?” I laugh.
“Be my guest,” he says nodding. “Just give her back in one piece.”
“I’ll try.” I smirk. “We do have to walk a whole block.”
“Laugh now but if anything happens…” Travis laughs.
“They’ll be fine,” Brooks says. “Em knows the way.”
Chivalry lives.
No one says my name quite like him.
Tenfire
Tenfire is tonight. It seems like that’s almost all this sad town does. Have bonfires. Well, that and drink. At least tonight is the TENFIRE.
I walk to my rideshare, cursing myself under my breath all the while. Trix follows close behind me, struggling in her wedges again. I think they’re the same ones as last time. Not much has changed.
“Wait, why aren’t we walking again?” I ask.
“Because,” Trix whines, “I’m not trying to park a car and then have to drive it back later.”
“Coulda walked… like we always do.” I roll my eyes.
“It’s shitty out,” Trix says, shrugging.
Not untrue. I do have the ambiguous rainy day blues. At least I didn’t try on 18 outfits today. Nope, just 2.
First I had one daisy duke wannabes again, meant to show off my tan legs. Loosey goosey knit sweater low key see through, meant to show off my bra and tits. Make up face. Hoop earrings. The whole nine yards.
Then I looked in the mirror. I saw myself through its eyes. Changed to boyfriend jeans with tears down the legs, a gray pullover hoodie and Sperry’s. Left my hair down, meant to cover my face and by default my sadness too.
I got this.
Last night wasn’t so bad. It was pleasant even. Sure, Brooks “met someone” but he didn’t bring her here. He asked me if I would be at Tenfire. He. Asked. Me. Please, allow me to over analyze what this must mean.
“You’re beautiful, boo.” Trix says from the seat next to me.
The car window is a blur of colored lights behind her. The red and green traffic lights blending with the white and yellow streetlamps in the rain.
“You too, boo.” I smile.
At least I’ll always have Trix.
I walk onto the beach, my feet sinking in the sand with each step I take. The tide’s going out. Faint smells of seaweed and wet driftwood reach me on the breeze. The rain is lingering in the air. It could be bottled into a perfume or candle. Focus.
Trix’s hair sways in front of me, lighting my path like a flickering flame. Side-to-side it moves, like light dancing over shadows. I’ve never seen her look so graceful, really like a fluid mermaid gliding on land. I’m reminded of the last time I saw her on the beach at a bonfire –the way she tripped over her own heels in the sand.
She looks at me and asks a silent question. Ready?
I trudge on.
We round the last sand dune and I can tell from the chorus of voices and laughing and music that we are the last ones here. The party has already started. I can’t help but let my eyes skim the crowd –searching for a familiar face. Trix is at my side now. Solidarity. Moral support. Whatever you want to call it.
It will be OK. I will be OK. Brooks was charming. He asked if I was going to be here!
Travis hands us both a cup. I bring it to my lips but can already taste the sour cherry before I even sip it. I smile to myself. Oh, the memories.
“Hey, pace yourself,” Travis says, half scolding-half laughing at me when I hand out my cup for a refill.
“Let her live,” Trix snaps. Travis rolls his eyes. They glint just like his brow ring.
“Let me live,” I mimic her voice, smacking my lips together. “Before this shit kills me.”
She laughs.
“Hey, guys. Just get here?” Nate comes up to the keg.
“Yup just now.” I nod.
My eyes scan the crowd again, peering into the shadows on the beach where the bonfire’s light can’t reach.
“Em? EM!” Meg has been calling my name.
“Hey, girl.” I say, hugging her.
“Geez, where’s your head at? Nate was just asking if we should do a match tomorrow…” Meg trails off, biting her lip. I notice.
In the second my eyes wander over her head I see him.
His perfect self set against the ocean: His long hair tied back and falling out around his face, tan skin for days, his head tilted back in laughter, his eyes sparkling with life…
OK, not so bad, I think.
Keep breathing you dramatic fuckstick.
Keep calm and drink on.
And then more people join his spot on the beach. Someone hands him a drink. They’re all laughing. Then his hand wraps around the waist of a thin blonde girl who isn’t me.
“I am so sorry, Emmy.” Travis’s voice sounds far away. I can hear him –I can tell it’s him –but his words are lost to me.
“Emmy,” Trix is whisper too. I can feel her grabbing my arm.
My heart drops into my stomach. No, to the floor, buried beneath miles of sand. I can smell him from here. I can taste his skin on my lips just by looking at him. In the fraction of a second when he tilts his head forward I think he sees me. I look away and suddenly drain my cup again.
I feel itchy, my clothes spiky against my skin. What was I thinking? Maybe he didn’t see me. Maybe he won’t come over.
No dice.
“Emmy,” he nods, smiling like he’s thrilled to see me.
THE FUCKING NERVE. My eyes can’t help but see his hand is still entwined with hers.
“Jay,” I nod a microscopic fraction of a nod. Relax.
He seems uncomfortable. Good.<
br />
This is just like last time, I think.
“Hi, I’m Lexi.” She smiles brightly. Too brightly. Like in an irritatingly sweet way.
I look at her and then at Brooks and then at Trix mouthing I’m sorry behind Lexi’s back. There’s something in Brooks’s eyes when they meet mine. I can’t place it.
I turn on the spot, without saying anything. I turn and disappear into the crowd. I want to be swallowed by the horde of masses, all drunken and high and encased in a summer haze. I wonder when I became this version of myself –the version that craves reckless abandon, seeks it out even.
I push past Travis and the plastic cup he’s trying to shove into my hand. Instead I snag the bottle of cherry vodka from the table. It’s already to my lips when a hand grabs my arm, trying to knock it away.
“Hey-why!” I spurt bits of vodka down my chin as I yell.
Shit. My words are already slurring. I look to see who stopped me. Who is playing Cop tonight?
Brooks. Go figure.
“What do-youwant?” I blink furiously. “WHAT!?”
He looks at me with –pity? He looks at the bottle in my hand with something else –revulsion? That is sure as shit what I look at him with. “You don’t need that.”
“Funny, I wuz gonna say same thing to-you,” I slur. I look over his head and he turns slightly to see the life-size Barbie walking toward us.
“Em,” Brooks lowers his voice, leaning down slightly.
“You’res juzt the fuckin worst. You knows it.” I am seconds away from tears.
“Em,” Brooks says again, pleading.
“Em!” Another voice booms at the same time. I turn to see Alex walking toward me.
“Hey!” I lean into him when he hugs me. Brooks looks livid. It gives me the confidence to take another swig from the bottle.
“When did you get back?” Alex asks, his smile dazzling in the bonfire light. Suddenly, I’m inspired.
Maybe it’s the drunkenness or my sudden need for reckless abandon, or maybe it’s because I know Brooks will hate it –but something makes me lean back into Alex and wrap a hand around his waist.
“I just got back. You’re lucky,” I laugh, my eyes flirting.
“Oh yea?” Alex asks, looking suspicious. He glances at Brooks as to say sorry but then looks back to me. “Why am I lucky?”
“Brooks has told me I have to share,” I say, brandishing the sloshing vodka in front of me. “Want some?”
Alex looks at Brooks again and then at me. Back and forth. I don’t know what I’m doing I just know that it feels better than the alternative. It feels better than thinking about Brooks leaving tonight with Lexi. It feels better than thinking about what Trevor is doing on the west coast. It feels better than me being alone.
“Yez or do I find-some- else to share with?” I say again, putting emphasis on the right words. Giggling helps the effect.
Alex looks down at me and I can see he’s trying to make a quick decision. Brooks doesn’t move a muscle next to us, not even when Lexi turns up and slinks her wrist through his folded arms.
“Yes,” Alex says, taking the bottle. He raises it to his lips and takes a swig before handing it back to me. I laugh and take it.
“Happy Brooks?” I raise an eyebrow, like I’m just doing what I’m told –what he told me to do. I’m sure he hears the real question.
Is he happy now that he brought her? Is he happy with what he’s created for the SECOND time around?
“Let’s go,” I say, pulling Alex away by the hand. He shrugs one last Sorry, dude to Brooks and then we’re five feet away.
Ten feet away.
“EM!” He shouts at my back.
Don’t look back.
I repeat this. I can’t look. But I need to see his face. I turn as slightly as I can until I see the spot on the sand we left behind. Brooks stands there, looking directly at me through the sea of people. His eyes are alive and dark and it’s almost like I see the hunger again, rising up, ready to strike. I’m reminded of a vampire. Death by vampire.
I turn back forward. Trix and Travis are watching me lead Alex through the crowd. They don’t say anything, but I can feel their shock. Is it shock? Is it support? Maybe a happy marriage of the two? I raise the bottle to my mouth again for another long swig. It stings slightly.
“Slow down,” Alex laughs, taking the bottle from me. Great, another babysitter. I’m about to argue with him when he just takes a sip and then gives it back, winking.
“Thanks you,” I take it back. He’s looking at me differently. I mean, in a way he has before but not in a long while, not since Brooks.
“Are you sure?” Alex asks, his voice low and silky and fuck he’s smooth.
I decide right now that we’re actually going to do this. I don’t know what I planned when I originally grabbed him. Maybe it was to piss off Brooks or just to see the look on his face when I walked away with Alex.
Whatever.
I want to do this. Not just because I have the power and because I can or even because Alex and I have always been flirty toward each other. As I look over at him now –at his flawless smile and perfect jaw and the complete lack of judgment in his eyes –it strikes me how attractive he is. How attracted I am to him. And I know that he won’t judge me for it in the morning. And it doesn’t matter if Brooks will never forgive me.
I’m already never forgiving him.
“I’m sure.”
We’re leaving the beach and walking back to Alex’s place before I know it. Halfway up the staircase I turn around, two steps above him, and lean into kiss him. I can’t really remember if we ever made out before –you know, pre The Coupling –but damn I wish we had. He is an excellent kisser. And once I get past the laughing and swallowing drunk-Emmy’s giggles, the make out turns real. R rated real. By the time he unlocks his door, we’ve lost our shirts.
He steers me to his bed and pulls me onto it. I catch a whiff of his scent on the sheets or blankets or pillows. Alex is over me in a minute, planting kisses down my neck. It’s amazing the different techniques dudes have for the exact same things. Amazing how this –Alex –doesn’t feel weird at all. More clothes lost. I wrap my arms around his back and up his shoulders, pulling him further into me.
“Em, Emmy!” Someone calls my name. My eyes are groggy.
“Hmm,” My eyes open on sheets I don’t recognize. Big Yikes Energy.
“Hey! Wake up!” I hear laughing. Someone throws a pillow at me. I roll over and lay flat on the bed. Alex is propped up next to me, a pillow in his hand.
“I’m up. Don’t hit me again,” I say, hard to keep the smile off my face.
“That’s a good sign,” he says. When I look dumb he rolls his eyes. “You’re smiling.”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I ask, sitting up against the wall behind his bed.
His apartment is kind of messy and I can’t unsee the BLINK 182 poster that must have watched us bang last night, but hey. There’s a relaxing vibe. It matches Alex.
“Wasn’t sure how much you’d remember,” he says quietly. I can tell he’s worried about how I feel.
I close my eyes and think back to last night. I see Trix’s hair floating like weightless flames, Brooks and the hunger, a bottle of vodka and my hand leading Alex away from the bonfire.
“I remember it all,” I smirk. Weirdly, oddly, waking up next to Alex after a night of poor decisions does not drive me to panic. In fact, I can’t stop smiling.
It’s that freeing feeling again. Like Trevor on Saint Patrick’s Day.
“Good, so…” He hesitates. I’m not used to seeing a nervous Alex. Yes, I nudge with my eyes. “What was it?”
“Fun? Hot? Sex?” I laugh. “I can keep going.”
“I know all that, trust me,” he laughs back. Now I smack him with the pillow. “I’ve been thinking about that since high school. I just meant, it was just for the night, right?”
The way he says right makes he think he wants the answer to be yes. To be hon
est, the answer is yes. Still, I don’t say it for some reason. Instead I watch the corners of his lips turn up. I admire the dip below his belly button and the black cords wrapped around his wrist. Lifeguard bands.
“Alex,” I start.
