by Mae, Mandee
I remembered the way his hands used to run all over my body, causing goosebumps to cover me from head to toe. The way he made me feel safe when he wrapped his arms around me. The little kisses he used to place up and down my neck before he nibbled on my ear. The one thing I remembered most was when he’d tell me how much he loved me. The fact that I’m going to be seeing him today will be like a punch in the gut.
“You have got to be kidding me.” I didn’t even hear him come in. I steady my nerves and look up and see his eyes go wide in surprise. I could tell by the expression on his face that I’m the last person he expected to see. “When the hell did you get back?” he states hastily.
I’ve spent so many years trying to get him out of my mind…my heart, and he comes wheeling right back into my life. Pierce. I finally find my voice. “Well, hello to you, too.“ God, he still looks amazing.
“We have work to do, right?” he says, positioning himself so he’s right next to the table but doesn’t start maneuvering himself just yet.
“Give me just a second, Pierce.” I keep glancing back and forth from the papers to Pierce. I’m trying to keep myself composed—professional—but it’s hard. Seeing him sitting in that chair, after all this time, is heartbreaking. I’ve tried to prepare myself so that I would be ready to see him again. I didn’t think that I would have this hard of a time seeing him again after all this time.
“What the hell are you looking at?” he spits out. It’s almost like he has a look of disgust on his face. “Kinlee!” he shouts my name this time because I still don’t have a fucking clue what to say to him. “You know what…forget it.” He throws his hands in the air and shakes his head. “I’ll go somewhere else.” He wheels himself out of the room, slamming the door back against the wall on his way.
“Pierce, wait!” I yell, trying to get him to at stop and hear me out. It doesn’t work. I get up and run for the door and get there in enough time to see him turning the corner, looking back at me one last time before he heads off. I decide that maybe it’s better if I just let him cool off before I try and talk to him again.
I somehow manage to muddle through the rest of the day, seeing patient after patient until it was time to go home, but I’m unable to keep my mind off what happened with Pierce. I wasn’t prepared to see that kind of rage in his eyes. The way his eyes had always shown love and compassion now revealed hurt and anger. His jaw clenched every time he spoke. The only reason I didn’t chase him down the hall was because I didn’t want to aggravate him any further. I permitted my personal life to get in the way of my job. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe I should just forget about Pierce again, but even as that thought crosses my mind, I know there is no way in hell that will ever happen. I’ve failed him twice now, and knowing that kills what soul I have left a little bit more.
Is that what was wrong with my parents that night I went there for dinner? Is that why my mom had been crying? Did she want to tell me what happened with him but didn’t know if I could handle it or if she even should? Looking back at how they both acted, it makes sense. Maybe they were just waiting for us to finally see each other, after all this time.
I head straight for my mom and dad’s house as soon as I’m off work. They must hear me pull up because my mom comes right to the door. She must know something is up by the look on her face when she sees me.
“Mom…” I question and that’s when she realizes what’s happened.
Her face saddens even more and the tears start rolling down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry, baby. I wanted to tell you; I just couldn’t find the right way.”
I walk right past my mom into the house. “Couldn’t tell me.” I’m damn near shouting at her now. I hear the door shut letting me know that she is hot on my tail. Dad is sitting in his favorite chair reading the newspaper, but he quickly puts it down when he sees me come flying in.
“No…I couldn’t tell you,” she whispers back. My mom hates raising her voice, but when she does, you know you’re in trouble.
I stop mid-living room and just stare at her. I’m so pissed right now I couldn’t see straight. “So you think it was better for him… Mom, I’m going to ask you something, and I want you to tell me the truth.”
She wipes the tears from her cheeks. “Okay.”
I start pacing back and forth, preparing myself for the answer I’m pretty sure I already know. “Did you know that Pierce was home when you asked me to move back down here?” I figured I would start with something simple.
She nods her head. “Yes.”
I glance over to look at my mom and noticed that Dad’s moved to the edge of his chair, waiting to see what I’ll do next.
“Of course, you did.” I go stand in front of my dad. “Mom, is Dad really having surgery?”
“No.”
Dad’s eyes lower and I flip a switch. I turn abruptly and head straight over to where my mom is standing. “What the hell…”
“Watch your tongue, missy. That’s no way to talk to your mother,” my dad yells at me.
“I’m so sorry, honey,” she says between sniffles. She walks over and sits in her chair by the window, resting her hands in her lap.
“How could you do this to me?”
“I didn’t do anything to you. I gave you the push you needed to have Pierce back in your life.” She looks at me and then look away. She starts fidgeting with her fingers. Something that she always does to help to control her anxiety.
I throw my hands up in frustration. “First of all, you lied to me. Secondly, he won’t talk to me, Mom.” I try and try to get my mom to talk to me and nothing. Dad hasn’t said anything else and I could tell he’s not going to.
“You’ll find a way.” Somehow, a smile finds its way to her face. “You two were meant to be together, Kinlee. You know that as much as I do.” That’s the one thing my mom has always told me. Pierce and I were meant to be together. When I told her that he had asked me to marry him and that I had turned him down, she read me the riot act. I would have preferred someone just to tan my hide than to have gone through that. She didn’t aim to make me feel like shit, but she made her opinion clear and was not very happy with me at all. She had told me what a huge mistake I had made, which I was figuring out all on my own. The list goes on and looking back now, she knew exactly what she was talking about.
“I still can’t believe you tricked me.”
She finally gets angry with me, and she narrows her eyes. “I was trying to help. One day you’ll see that. Mark my words.”
“We’re adults, mother. You can’t force us into a room and tell us we have to be nice to each other. Stop trying to fix us.” I head for the door, slamming it behind me.
I run to the liquor store before I head home and grab a bottle of wine. After locking the front door, I head straight back to the bathroom and turn on the faucet, filling up the tub with hot water, adding my special mixture to bring on lots of bubbles. While the tub is filling, I go back to the kitchen, grab a wine glass, pop the cork on the bottle, and take both back with me. It doesn’t take me long to strip out of my clothes, pull up a little table, and rest the bottle and glass there while I climb in, submerging myself as soon as I can. The water feels amazing. I reach for my glass and lean back in the old claw-foot tub, stretching my foot up to turn off the old faucet with my toes when the water is fully covering me. It’s the only thing I know to do to try and wash off the anger I still have for my mom and dad. I can usually relax pretty well from the smell alone when I take a bubble bath, but not tonight.
Downing the first glass, I reach over and refill my glass, leaning back once again, and let my mind begin to wonder. Was he that upset because I was the physical therapist? Who in the hell am I kidding…of course, he was upset that it was me. I have to find a way to get him to come back so I can do my job and help him with whatever it is that he needs. Hell, I’ll get on the internet and see if I can find some more information about what happened. Surely there will be something online that can fill in so
me of the blanks. He may not want to talk to me, but I need to find a way to make it happen.
By the time I get out of the tub, I’ve finished off the bottle and have formed a plan. I just hope it works. It’s simple, really. If he doesn’t want to talk to me outside of PT, that’s fine, but he evidently needs it and it’s my job to make sure he gets it. Besides, I’m the only physical therapist in this small town, as well as all the small surrounding towns. It has to work. It may be petty and silly to hound him until he gives in, but it’s my only chance. I have to believe it will work.
I was up way too late last night looking on the internet trying to find out as much as I could on Pierce and what happened. I grabbed a glass of water on my way to the living room, wrapped the blanket around me, and typed his name into the search engine. That brought up article after article on the missions he’s been on and the Medal of Honor that he was awarded for saving his platoon. It makes me proud of him to read that, yet at the same time sad to read what he and his squad went through.
I went into work earlier than usual so I can look through his demographics. I locate his number and dial, sitting at my desk, nervously waiting to see if he’s going to answer. He does.
“Hello.” He says in a groggy voice. I hope I didn’t wake him.
“Pierce…this is Kin…” the line goes dead. Shit. I didn’t even get my name out before he hung up on me. I can’t really blame him though.
I dial again, hoping he will answer, but saddened when the answering machine comes on. I wait for the beep before I leave my message.
“This is Kinlee, I wanted to know when you would want to set up an appointment for your next PT session. Please give me a call back. Thank you.” I hang up the phone feeling disappointed. Knowing he didn’t answer because it was me calling and the fact that I know he was sitting there listening to me leave that message and didn’t pick up, hurts. I can’t really blame him. I would have done the same thing had the shoe been on the other foot. I’ll give it a day or two and see if I can get ahold of him again. I’m hoping that eventually he will answer or at least call me.
***
Of all the fucking people. They told me that I would be getting a new physical therapist, but never in my life did I imagine it would be her. Jesus. Just seeing her again pisses me off. She looked like she had been expecting me and I’m sure the look on my face was pure surprise. Kinlee. The one who got away. Literally.
All I wanted to do was to get on with my life when I got back home. I’ve come so far in the last four months. Hell, I’ve achieved so much since the accident, yet there’s still a long road ahead of me. Therapy is the only way to get back to the way I used to be. How in the hell am I supposed to work with her? Am I just supposed to go in there, put a smile on my face, and pretend nothing happened?
Kinlee was one of those all-American girls. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. She still has that long brown hair. Her green eyes are the window to her soul. She always wore her heart on her sleeve and put everything into our relationship. That’s what threw me. I never got the impression that she wouldn’t accept my marriage proposal. She showed me love in ways that I never thought possible. She always took me to the airport when I had to leave, and she was always there to greet me when I returned.
I imagined dozens of times what it would be like the first time I saw her again; although I thought I would be walking again. I didn’t want her to see me like this. I didn’t want her to see me practically bound to a wheelchair. I know she had to have read all of this in my file, yet her features quickly morphed into sadness as soon as she saw me. She didn’t know what to say. I had thrown her for a loop and she was trying to recover as quickly as possible, but she didn’t cover it up quick enough. Maybe it was the fact that she wasn’t reading it on paper and that she actually had to see me in this situation that caught her off guard.
The only thing I can do is to go in there and see what happens. I have to see this through. Come hell or high water, I will walk again. All she had to do was act like I was any other patient and she couldn’t do that. She just sat there and stared at me like I was some kind of monster. I know I’m making more of it than what it is. The only way to get her attention was to yell at her and then I just stormed out of there. If only I hadn’t turned to look at her one last time. I know she was crying. Hell, I could see the tears running down her face. I have to try and put the past behind me and do the work that needs to be done.
That’s easier said than done. The guys told me that while I was in the hospital, I would call out for her in the middle of the night. She would haunt my dreams, be it day or night. At first, it seemed like every time I turned around she was there. I saw her in everything I did and saw her everywhere I went. Even in the everyday mundane tasks of doing the dishes or even grocery shopping. Trying to get her out of my head and heart was one of the hardest things that I ever had to do.
Chapter Three
It didn’t work. Two weeks have gone by with me calling on damn near a daily basis, leaving messages for him to call so we could set up an appointment. I’m not a stalker, but I’m on a mission and dammit, there will be a day that he sees that he needs this.
The day has dragged on. I saw several patients today, but not the one I really wanted to see. Not the one who had been on my mind since long before I even arrived back in town. I shut down my computer, gather my things, and head out the door for my car. I toss my things in the backseat and open the front door to get in. A hand slamming into my door stops me from pulling it open any further.
“What the?”
“Would you please, for the love of God, stop calling me.” I turn my head and see him take off in the opposite direction.
“Pierce, wait.” I stand there for a minute and continue to watch him knowing damn good and well that he does not intend to come back. “Goddammit, stop.” That gets his attention. He stops but doesn’t turn around. I walk up to where he’s at, going around to stand in front of him. I watch him, waiting for him to look up at me so I can see his beautiful face. When I realize that he isn’t going to, I lower myself so that we were practically eye level now. He turns his head to the side so he doesn’t have to look me in the eye. Knowing that is like a knife in the heart. I guess I deserved that.
“Pierce…”
He whips his head around, now glaring at me with hatred in his eyes…or is it still hurt. “I don’t want your help. Can’t you get that through your head?” He pushes himself back and starts to go around, but I reach out and grab hold of his chair. “Just what the hell do you think you’re doing? Let go of my fucking chair or I swear to God…” He reaches for my hand, but there is no way he can get my hand off with the death grip that I have. There is no way in hell that I am letting go of this chair until he hears what I have to say.
“Just let me talk…” There has to be a way I can get through to him. There has to be something I can do to make him see that I can really help him, but God help me, I don’t know what else to do. We’re having a shouting match in the middle of the parking lot. People were starting to stare. A few have even walked our way to see if everything is all right, but we just ignore them.
He lunges forward in his chair until he’s inches from my face. “I don’t want to fucking talk to you. I don’t want your help. I don’t need your help. Don’t you get that? Leave. Me. Alone,” he spits out.
Oh Jesus, that hurt. I steel my nerves, not wanting to let him see how much it kills me to see him like this. “No. I’m not going to leave you alone. You do need my help. I’m the only one around who is qualified to fucking help you, dammit. I will keep calling until you hear me out, so you can either do it now or go home and wait for me to call. Your choice.”
He’s watching my face, staring into my eyes to see if I’m going to back down. I’m not. I’ve changed since I left here and he’s about to find that out…but he’s changed, too. I know he’s given in when he relaxes back in his chair but continues to watch me.
I kn
ow I’ll only have a brief moment to say this to him before he changes his mind. “You may not want my help, but you need my help. I’m damn good at my job, Pierce. Just give me a chance to help you. I won’t let the past get in the way of what needs to be done if you won’t. The choice is yours. I’ll stop calling if you promise to just think about it.” There’s so much more I want to say…so much more I need to say, but I don’t. I stop there, letting my words run through his head.
“That’s it,” he says quietly. The hurt is still evident on his face.
“Yes. That’s all I wanted to say.”
He doesn’t say anything back. He reaches for the wheels on his chair and backs up slightly when I release my grip. His eyes haven’t left mine, but his features soften. When he does finally remove his eyes from mine, he pushes forward, going around me. I stand and watch him leave again, but this time I know I had to. There was nothing else to say at the moment. He shakes his head a little and when he turns slightly to the side, I’m pretty sure there’s a hint of the smirk on his face.
Yes! Finally. I got to him. Now all I have to do is wait to see what he’s going to do. I know the smile that crosses my face is a mile wide, but I can’t help it. I do a little air pump on my way back to my car. Even though he didn’t agree to anything right then and there, I know he’s thinking about it and that’s all I asked for. That’s good enough…for the time being.
Another week has gone by and I still haven’t heard from Pierce. I’m sitting at my desk, filling in all the needed information on the patients that have been in to see me today. I’ve talked to my mom twice already about coming over for dinner tonight. Why she thought she had to call me a second time to make sure I was still coming is beyond me? I’m a grown woman, for God’s sake. She doesn’t need to check in on me every fucking day to see how I’m doing. She should know by now that I’ll call her if I need her. And, yes, I know I said I would go over for dinner, but I would much rather be helping Pierce.
