by Mae, Mandee
I walk up and ring the doorbell, nervously waiting for him to answer. When he does and he realizes it’s me, he tries to shut the door, but I don’t let him. We have to talk. This has been a long time coming and it’s time to take care of this. I’ve felt the tension and changes the last few weeks, and I’m sure he has, too.
“Go away,” he says, pushing harder on the door.
“No. Let me in. We need to talk, Pierce.”
“Haven’t you figured it out yet…I don’t want to talk to you outside of therapy. Now leave.” The coldness in his eyes is telling me that he really doesn’t want me here, but we really do need to hash this out.
“What the hell is going on with you?” I push a little harder, forcing him back. I don’t do it too hard, but hard enough to make him move. When he realizes that I’m going to come in and talk to him, he gives up.
“Fine,” he spits out, turning around and heading away from me. “Have it your way.”
I slowly push open the door, only to close it when I’m in and follow him through the house and right out the back door. Fuck. What’s he doing now? It all becomes clear when I walk into the garage after him.
“This is what you’ve been doing? Why?” I can’t believe what I’m seeing. My heart rate increases and the more I see what’s in front of me, the angrier I get.
He turns around and gives me a cocky grin. “I told you I didn’t think you were pushing me hard enough so I had some equipment brought in to do some work myself.”
“I didn’t want you to hurt yourself. That’s why you fell today, isn’t it? You’ve been coming to me for therapy and then coming home and working on it by yourself. You’re overdoing it.”
“Now you’re catching on.” He winks then turns and heads further into the garage.
I take a few more steps and sit down in a chair. “I asked you to trust me. To give me a chance and this whole time you were doing this!” My arms come alive, and I start waving my hands in front of me. “Why couldn’t you just do what I asked?” I barely get that out before he turns around and comes charging right at me. I don’t know if I should sit here and see if he’s gonna hit me or if I need to jump out of the way.
“I told you that I didn’t know if I could trust you.” He comes to a sudden stop right in front of me.
I lean over so I’m right in his face. “Why? I was doing my job.” Why would he do this? He knows that he could hurt himself by working too hard. I know he knows this.
The laugh he gives has an eerie tone to it. “You seriously did not just ask me that?”
I stand my ground. “Why?”
He rubs his hands over his face before he looks me in the eyes. “Because you had my trust once, Kinlee.”
I’m not sure I like where this is going. I know we need to talk, but maybe I should have let him cool down a little bit more before I came here. “Pierce…”
“No, Kinlee. You wanted to talk, so let’s talk.” Oh God he sounds so angry, so hurt. “Do you have any idea what that did to me…what you did to me? You were my future. I would have done anything for you. Anything. I thought you loved me. I was under the impression that we would be spending our lives together. I thought I was the luckiest man on Earth to have such an amazing woman. I worshiped the ground you walked on. The only thing…” He’s struggling with this…I know. His eyes have started to tear up. Seeing him like this breaks my heart and before I realize it, I feel my own tears fall down my cheeks. He turns away from me so I don’t see the hurt in his eyes.
“When I asked you to marry me and you turned me down, that was one of the worst days of my life.” He takes a deep breath. “But, I had to leave. I couldn’t stay and fight for you because I had to go fight in a fucking war.” He takes a breath. I can see him clenching his jaw, trying to keep himself in check. “I had made a promise to protect and serve this country at all cost. I just didn’t think it would cost me you. Jesus, Kinlee, the things I saw over there would give you nightmares. Hell, they give me nightmares. I would never wish that on anyone. No one deserves to see what we saw. All the killing – the blood. There were fucking kids over there who were carrying machine guns. Children, for Christ’s sake. The only thing that kept me going was telling myself over and over that when I came back…I could fight for you. Make you see that we were meant to be together. That no matter how many times I would get shipped off, I would always come back to you. That day you said no was the day you lost my trust. You wouldn’t…couldn’t trust me enough to come back to you. Why couldn’t you just believe in us? You threw us away like we were nothing.”
Holy fucking hell…The sob that tears from deep within me catches his attention. How could I have been so blind? How could I have not trusted him enough to know that he would have come back to me? Because deep in my heart, when it comes to war, there were no guarantees. He knows that as well as I do. He turns around and looks at me. The tears were falling freely from his eyes as well as mine.
“Why couldn’t you have trusted me?” he asks, barely above a whisper.
“I was scared…” I start walking around a little, trying to calm my nerves.
“And you don’t think I was?” he shouts, wiping his face. “I was terrified, Kinlee. You were the only thing that got me through that. All the other times I got shipped out, you were here when I got back. You were here waiting for me. I kept telling myself when I get back she’ll see me and realize how much she loves me and I’ll be able to win her back. Did you even wonder how I was doing? Did you even think about me?”
“Yes. I thought about you all the time.” It’s the truth. I always wondered what he was doing…who he was with.
He comes forward just a bit, squinting his eyes. “Do you even know how long I was gone? Huh?”
What? Hearing him ask that question throws me off a bit. “No…you said you didn’t know how long you would be gone and that’s what scared me, Pierce. I didn’t know how long I would be without you. I was afraid you wouldn’t come back.”
He nods his head. “I know. Turns out, I was only gone for a few months, but when I got back, you were already gone. I had no idea where you were. Your parents wouldn’t tell me anything. They said that you would get ahold of me when you were ready. They said you needed time. So, I waited…and waited…until I couldn’t wait anymore. Then I signed on for a few more years and went on more missions.”
“They never told me.”
“Well, that was years ago. Things change. People change.”
“What happened, Pierce?” I don’t look away from his stare. He knows what I’m asking and I’m hoping like hell that he’ll tell me.
“This…” He gestures down to his legs and gives them a good, hard slap. “This is the handy work of an IED that our Hummer drove over. Lovely, aren’t they?” The eerie laugh he gives afterward churns my stomach.
“Pierce…”
“I don’t want your pity, Kinlee.” He turns and heads over to the weights, grabbing a couple off the shelf and starts lifting. I sit there and just watch him for a few minutes without saying anything. I should tell him that I don’t pity him. I should tell him that, after all these years, I’m still in love with him. I should tell him something, but I don’t.
“Please shut the door on your way out.” And there’s my dismissal. He’s telling me that I’m no longer welcome and that it’s time for me to leave. I stand and head for the door, slowly making my way, and pull it shut behind me just like he asked, but I don’t walk away just yet. I stand there for a minute before my feet finally carry me to my car and I make my way home.
The tears were still falling by the time I fall into bed. Why didn’t I say anything else to him? Why did I just leave without telling him how I felt? I know he’s hurting and I know I’m the reason. When I lay my head down on my pillow, I pray that he doesn’t give up. I pray that he shows up and continues with the therapy that will get him to his goal. Only time will tell. I’m hoping against all odds that I can repair the damage that’s been done. Please, God, just let me f
ix this.
***
I wasn’t expecting her to follow me home. In my heart, I know she means well, but damn, just seeing her still pisses me off. I know I should forget the past and move on, but it’s hard. She shoved her way in when I opened the door so I figured there’s no time like the present to show her what I’ve been doing in my spare time.
“This is what you’ve been doing? Why?” she asked, walking right into the garage after me.
I had had enough. I unleashed all the feelings I had kept bottled up for years. I made sure she understood what that day did to me. How my world crumbled out from underneath me.
She said she was scared, and I get that, but she should understand that I was just as scared as she was. I knew what my job would entail when I enlisted. There were times that I honestly didn’t know if I would be returning home to her or not. I didn’t want to be one of those guys who returned to their loved ones in a pine box. I didn’t want her to have to wonder that when every time the doorbell rang it would be another soldier on the other side bringing her bad news. That is what scared me most.
We have it out in the middle of the garage. Her arms were flailing while she’s talking. Her eyes filled with tears and regret. I know she feels terrible about what happened and I know that she still loves me. I can see it plain as day in her eyes. And, truth be told, I still love her, but I just can’t let her in yet.
She is damn good at her job, but I need to be pushed harder. I need for her to allow me to push my body like there’s no tomorrow and when I feel like I’ve had enough, that’s when I’ll stop.
“I don’t want your pity, Kinlee.” Telling her as I turn to go lift some more weights and then I remind her to close the door on her way out.
I couldn’t watch her leave. It killed me to see the tears that she had. I still feel the need to protect myself. At least until I know for sure.
Chapter Six
It has been two weeks since Pierce and I had that talk in his garage. He hasn’t made it to one of his appointments. I continued to call and leave messages for him, reminding him that he needed to do this. He never called back, but then again, I don’t blame him. I’m sure he’s continuing to do stuff at home. That thought scares me because no one is there to watch out for him if he were to injure himself. I don’t want him pushing himself further than what he’s ready for, which will push back his progress.
It’s the end of the day Friday; my last patient was two hours ago. I switch off my computer, straighten up my desk, and stand to leave.
“Kinlee…” I hear my name being whispered, which catches my attention. I look up and see Pierce sitting in the doorway. God, he looks so good. Even in the tight tank and sweats he has on is making him look hot.
“Pierce…God, are you okay? I’ve been so worried about you.” I walk around my desk as he wheels himself further into the room.
“I’m fine. I just needed some time. Listen, I wanted to apologize for what happened the other day.”
I pull a chair up so I’m sitting there with him. “Why are you apologizing? You didn’t do anything wrong.” He shouldn’t be the one apologizing…I’m the one who should be.
“I shouldn’t have said all that to you. When I saw you that first time, it brought back all that hurt…shit…I’m doing it again.”
“Doing what again?” I’m confused.
“Showing you my weakness.” His face saddens as he tells me this. It hurts him to know that I’ve seen him hurting.
Hearing him say that breaks my heart. My eyes fill with tears. “Pierce…”
“I didn’t say that to make you cry.” He actually reaches up and wipes away a tear. “I’m supposed to be strong. I’m a guy, you know. We’re not supposed to share our feelings. Women are supposed to see us as big, burly men, but it’s not like I am at the time being.”
I need to tell him something. If it kills me in the process, he needs to know. “If I could go back and change everything, I would. I knew the minute you walked away that I had made a horrible mistake.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” he replies. He narrows his eyes, waiting to see what I’m going to say.
“I was too scared. I was ashamed of myself for what I’d done…how I treated you.” I can’t even look him in the eyes when I tell him that. It hurts too bad, and I don’t think I can handle the pain I’ll see in his eyes.
“Everything happens for a reason. Now you don’t have to deal with me like this. A man who can’t walk. A man, well, if you can call me…”
What the fuck? My head comes up so fast I probably just gave myself whiplash. “Don’t say that. How can you say that? You’re still the Pierce that I remember.”
He throws back his head and tries to laugh off my comment. “That’s hardly the case. I can’t even fucking walk, Kinlee. I have nightmares. I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind half the time.”
“I don’t…” He shuts me off before I can continue.
“Shut it. No pity.” He turns and heads for the bars. The bars? “Come on. We have work to do.” He has himself positioned and grips the rails by the time I realize what he’s going to do.
“Dammit, just a…” I start running toward him, grabbing the belt on the way, and damn near tripping over my own two feet.
He starts laughing. God, how I’ve missed that laugh. “You’d better hurry.”
I get the belt around him, with no argument this time, right before he hoists himself up. I don’t bother telling him to take it slow. He knows what he needs to do and I know that he’s going to do everything he can to get there, regardless of what I say or don’t say.
We make our way down to the end and back. His legs and feet are working better this time. I’m not sure what exactly he’s doing at home, but it’s helping. I’m sure as hell not going to tell him that because that would only encourage him to do it, and like I said before, I don’t want him to hurt himself. So I’ll just keep my mouth shut. I’m beaming with pride while just watching him make this milestone. I’m sure he doesn’t see it as such, but I do. I know how hard he’s worked to get to this point.
He pivots around and sits back down in his chair. I lean over to help get his feet up. “I got it,” he says, brushing my hands away. He’s turned the belt around so he can remove it. “Here’s the belt.” He hands it to me but jerks his hand back when our fingers touch when I take it from him. He gives me a tight-lipped smile and backs up. Looks like the walls are going back up already. Dammit.
I walk over and put the belt where it goes and watch him head for the door. He stops just shy of it. “Hey, Kinlee?”
“Yeah?”
He just sits there for a moment like he’s contemplating on what to say. And as I stand here, staring right back at him, I’m able to see several things cross his face, yet I’m not able to identify any of them. There was a time when I knew exactly what he was thinking just by looking at him, but that was years ago. I can’t do anything about that now. Maybe in the future, but not yet. I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to that point, but I will die trying.
“Thank you.” Those two simple words mean the world to me. I know it’s taken a lot for him to say that, and I will always remember this moment.
That’s all he says before he makes his way out of the room and down the hall. I walk over and lean back against my desk, watching him the entire time waiting-hoping-willing him to look back and see me watching him. He doesn’t. He keeps moving forward just like he’s always done.
***
Progress. We are making progress. I’ve done a lot of thinking lately and decided that it was time to let go. I believe that everything does happen for a reason. I don’t know what the reasoning is behind Kinlee coming back into my life, but I do believe there is one.
Being able to talk to her, or hell, just seeing her without seeing red is a step in the right direction. I have to give her credit that she is doing what she said she was going to do; although, she’s making it rather hard on me, and not the way th
at you think. Not the way that I wanted her to. It’s the way she dresses. It’s the way she looks at me with such determination and drive, believing that I’m going to accomplish what I’ve set out to do.
The skirt she wore today rode up those legs every single time she knelt down, exposing more and more skin. It took all I had not to gawk at her the entire time. I have to keep pushing her away, pushing her buttons that I know so well so she doesn’t think that she’s gotten on my good side, but I fear that I’m too late. The last thing I want her to know is that she’s breaking down the walls that I’ve put up. If she does, who know what’ll happen.
It was hard enough getting my life back in order and coming to terms with the situation I’m in when I got home. Throwing her into the mix only makes matters worse. I will just have to keep doing what I’m doing to ensure that she doesn’t work her way back into my heart like she did the last time. I won’t survive it.
Chapter Seven
Pierce and I continue with the therapy as planned for the next few months. He’s letting down some of those walls that he’s had built up since that first day. He talks to me a lot more, telling me stories about when he was gone. There were times when he just zoned out and kept going. It was like he just needed to talk and get some of it off his chest, and that may have been the case. Even though he might not like to talk about things that have happened, I believe that it’s good for him. I’m honored that he’s doing that with me, whether he realizes it or not.
The progress he’s made is amazing. He can’t walk by himself yet, but I know in my heart that it will happen. Sooner rather than later. Once again, he seems a little off when he comes in today. Something’s bothering him, but I can’t figure out what it is.
“Dammit, just stop…don’t,” he says, once again shoving my hands away. He’s sitting on the table in his shorts and shirt doing some strengthening exercises. I thought it was going well. Evidently, I was wrong.
