by Ian Doescher
The helpers of rever’d Saint Nicholas
With their song: “Rousing Rock to Jingle Bell.”
[A recorded singer begins playing as Cady, Regina, Gretchen, and Karen begin dancing.
RECORD [sings:] When jingle bells begin to ring,
Their jolly tune, their jolly swing,
Then angel bands in concert sing,
Hey nonny, nonny, ho ho ho!
The snow a’blowing—O, such fun,
The jingle hopping hath begun,
Make merry yuletide, ev’ryone—
Hey nonny, nonny, ho ho ho!
[Gretchen becomes confused and bumps into Regina. Gretchen trips on the recording device, which malfunctions.
RECORD [sings:] O jin—O jin—O jin—O jin—O jin—
REGINA [aside to Gretchen:] Fix it, and quickly too, ere we are sham’d!
[Gretchen kicks the recording device, sending it into the air. It strikes Jason in the face, and the music stops.
GRETCHEN My Jason, O my sweet—apologies!
CADY [sings:] A time so bright, a perfect night,
A rousing rock shall do us right,
The jingle bells bring us the light,
Hey nonny, nonny, ho ho ho!
[All join in singing the song.
O jingle horse, lift up thy feet,
A happy company to meet,
Our feet enjoy a merry beat,
Hey nonny, nonny, ho ho ho!
[The audience claps and cheers. Exeunt students and parents in audience. Exit Sir Duvall.
KAREN ’Twas better than it ever went before!
Enter AARON SAMUELS.
AARON Well done, sweet lasses, wondrous in th’extreme!
[Aaron begins to kiss Regina.
REGINA Nay, Aaron.
AARON —What, art thou asham’d of me?
REGINA No, sir, God forbid; but asham’d to kiss,
Because in doing thou shalt smear my gloss.
Enter KEVIN GNAPOOR, passing through.
KEVIN Well dancèd, Africa. ’Twas perfect, by
My calculation.
CADY —Many thanks, indeed!
[Exit Kevin.
GRETCHEN Look how the lass doth blush with cheeks of red—
Thou likest him, or I do nothing know.
CADY Nay, ’tis not true.
GRETCHEN —’Tis wherefore thou wouldst be
A Mathlete, to be closer to thy love.
AARON The Mathletes? Thou? Thou hatest mathematics.
GRETCHEN Behold, her cheeks are redder than her tunic.
Thou lovest him and he thinks well of thee.
’Tis fetch!
REGINA —Nay, Gretchen, “fetch” shall never catch,
Stop hosting an event no one attends.
It shall not hap—the zeitgeist thou art not.
The fad is bad; I’m mad and thou art sad.
[Exeunt Regina, Karen, and Aaron.
GRETCHEN O, when I am again in English class,
I know what is th’report that I shall make:
We study Caesar and his mighty acts;
I’ll lay him low. For who is Caesar, eh?
And wherefore should great Caesar be allow’d
To stomp and lumber like a giant brute
Whilst we do hide from his enormous feet,
Attempting, fearfully, to stay unscath’d?
Whence cometh all the honors he hath earn’d?
Consider Brutus—is he not as fine,
As smart, as likeable as Caesar, too?
When did it happen that a single person
Became the boss of ev’ryone around?
’Tis not what our proud Rome doth stand for, nay!
We should, therefore, stab Caesar—stab and stab—
And let his blood flow down in righteous streams!
CADY [aside:] ’Tis plain that Gretchen Wieners hath been crack’d.
GRETCHEN O, Cady, if thou only knew’st how vile,
How reprehensible, how knavish, and
How horrible Regina truly is!
Thou knowest I may not hoop earrings wear?
’Twas two full years ago she did declare
Hoop earrings as her purview only, yea—
The bound’ry circular of her domain—
Ne’ermore would I be sanction’d in the wearing.
When I, for Hanukkah, receiv’d a pair
From my dear parents—white gold hoops were they,
Expensive in the buying, priceless in
The giving generous—yet ’twas my lot
To act as though I could not stand the things.
She took the ring of me: I’ll none of it,
But must contest her wickedness anon.
Know’st thou she cheateth frequently on Aaron,
Doth make him cuckold for another’s lust?
Each Thursday, when he thinks she is engag’d
In preparation for the SAT,
She earns him horns by being horny with
Shane Oman, o’er in the projection room,
Which sits above the auditorium.
Ne’er have I shar’d this secret with a soul
Because I am, I grant, a perfect friend.
Yet knowledge of it nearly makes me burst,
For Aaron is, in sooth, an innocent man—
If there’s a chance of resurrecting love,
I’m not above returning to the start,
To find out where the heartache did begin.
CADY O, Gretchen, thou hast put thy trust in me;
In faith, I’ll prove a better friend than she.
[Exeunt.
SCENE 2
At North Shore High School.
Enter JANIS IAN.
JANIS The confidence that Gretchen puts in Caddy,
Hath giv’n us power to fulfill our plan:
The weapon loaded, ready to engage,
She is the mark, we executioners,
Prepar’d, with words, to end her villainy.
I’ll make a voyage with her to the devil,
And, when we meet him, she shall see herself.
Now Christmas break hath pass’d, our plan is set:
Each Thursday Caddy, Damian, and I
Shall help young Aaron see Regina’s deeds—
Red-handed in Shane Oman’s greedy arms.
I’ll warrant the projection room shall show
Far more than its original intent.
[Exit Janis.
Enter AARON SAMUELS, reading a leaflet. Enter REGINA GEORGE and SHANE OMAN aside, in projection room, kissing in their undergarments.
AARON This puzzling notice maketh little sense,
Confounding is the message thereupon:
“The practice for the swim team shall be held
In the projection room, which is above
The auditorium.” Is this not strange?
Is there an unus’d pool conceal’d therein?
Methought the room was us’d for film, not flippers.
Yet hither have I come, though it may be
A small cocoon to practice butterfly.
[Aaron tries to open the door, but it is jammed.
REGINA Alas, who cometh to disturb our hive?
We both must hide at once, or be found out!
SHANE Come, come, you wasp; in faith, thou art too scar’d.
REGINA If I be waspish, best beware my sting.
[Regina shoves Shane aside. Exit Regina. Aaron finally opens the door and enters the projection room.
AARON An unexpected sight is this, good Shane—
Thine undergarments are too much expos’d.
Mine eyes did look for water, it is true,
Yet hop’d I for a pool, not for a hose.
[Exit Aaron.
SHANE O, reputation, reputation, fie!
Yea, I have lost my reputation here!
I’ve lost th’immortal portion of myself,
And what remains is bestial, verily.
Farewell now, Sha
ne: forever art thou Shame.
[Exit Shane.
Enter CADY HERON.
CADY He’ll catch her yet; the scene shall have a title:
“How Aaron caught Regina on cloud nine.”
Enter AARON SAMUELS.
AARON Good afternoon.
CADY —And thee as well, kind Aaron.
Enter DAMIAN, disguised, running past and grabbing CADY’s handbag.
My satchel! Stop, thou beetle-headed thief!
[Damian runs aside.
AARON I’ll capture him who did this wrong to thee.
CADY It seems the vicious rogue doth head to the
Projection room o’er th’auditorium!
[Aaron runs in pursuit of Damian. They enter the projection room.
Enter COACH CARR and TRANG PAK in projection room, kissing.
AARON Coach Carr? Is’t you?
DAMIAN —Trang Pak, your paramour?
Methinks our Principal Duvall would find this odd.
[Exeunt Coach Carr and Trang severally, in dismay.
AARON [aside:] This is the second time this hapless room
Hath lur’d me to a scene uncomfortable.
I must avoid this chamber, come what may.
[Exit Aaron. Damian walks from the room and rejoins Cady.
Enter JANIS IAN.
CADY Companions, wherefore did we three conceive
We could Regina trap with seeming ease?
In matters of deceit, we’re amateurs.
O, fie upon it! Never till this day
Have I been touch’d with anger so distemper’d.
JANIS Nay, though we fail, we merely must regroup:
We yet must think outside the confines of
This tiny box wherein our minds are trapp’d.
[Damian looks in Cady’s satchel.
DAMIAN Within thy satchel, what are Kälteen bars?
CADY Nutrition bars that come from Sweden’s shores,
With which my caring mother often help’d
The Afric children to increase their weight.
JANIS Unwittingly thou hast the perfect plan!
Pray, give these to Regina, for the bars
Will hang upon her waist like a disease—
If she hath caught the Caddy, then it will
Cost her a thousand pound ere she be cur’d.
Behold, she cometh with her horrid friends,
Go, Caddy and Kälteen, complete thy work!
[Damian hands the bars and satchel to Cady. Exeunt Janis and Damian.
Enter REGINA GEORGE, GRETCHEN WIENERS, and KAREN SMITH.
CADY Regina! She to whom I long’d to speak.
I know thou hast attempted to lose weight,
And I may have the answer thou dost seek.
REGINA Indeed? Say on.
CADY —These are nutrition bars.
My mother useth them to shed her weight.
Mayhap they can assist thee in thy quest?
REGINA I prithee, let me have one from thee quickly!
[Regina takes a bar and begins eating it.
The language on the package—is it Swedish?
Not since IKEA have I seen such words.
CADY They come from Sweden, where the girls are thin.
Unique ingredients are found therein,
Which are not legal in our country yet.
REGINA Ephedrine?
CADY —Nay.
REGINA —Then phentermine.
CADY —Nay, nay.
Another element that burneth carbs:
Thy carbohydrates gone within a flash,
A pyre of health within thy stomach flat,
Which leadeth unto thinness in a trice.
REGINA Most happily I’d lose a quarter stone.
[Aside:] Why do they not object? Think they ’tis true?
GRETCHEN Nay, by the heavens, what is this thou sayest?
KAREN Thou art already thin, Regina.
REGINA —Tut!
Let us amuse ourselves in other sport:
Make over Cady with a beauty session.
[They begin primping and preening Cady.
CADY [aside:] ’Tis strange, when I am in Regina’s presence,
Dislike of her doth grow each passing day,
And yet I seek to rise in her esteem.
REGINA Thine eyebrows are two wisps of Helen’s own—
Thy brow alone could launch a thousand ships.
Thou, Gretchen, step aside and let me work.
CADY [aside:] I see the feelings swell in Gretchen, too—
How she doth long to have Regina’s favor.
Each moment that Regina’s specter groweth,
Poor Gretchen tries the harder to impress.
She knows ’tis better in the Plastics’ sphere—
E’en when she hateth ev’ry passing moment—
Than to be on the outside, looking in.
Whate’er our petty arguments and fights,
To be among the Plastics bringeth fame.
We are forever in the public view,
And ev’ryone doth gaze with expert eyes
As if they know our secrets thoroughly.
Enter STUDENT 8, BETHANY BYRD, JASON, and SIR DUVALL above, on balcony.
STUD. 8 The new lass, she is come from Africa!
BETHANY I witness’d Cady wearing pantaloons
That cameth from some hearty army troop,
And sandals of the flip-flop fashion. Yea,
I purchas’d army pants and flip-flops, too!
JASON The lass nam’d Cady is most beautiful,
Belike e’en more so than Regina George.
DUVALL ’Tis whisper’d broadly that Regina George
Steps out with Aaron Samuels once again.
Canoodling, it seems, hath happen’d at
Chris Eisel’s party on All Hallows’ Eve.
Insep’rable they have been, ever since,
An ’twere a Jack and Jill, our school the hill.
[Exeunt Student 8, Bethany, Jason, and Sir Duvall. Exeunt Regina, Gretchen, and Karen.
CADY A lass possess’d: e’en such have I become.
The other day, as we did walk the halls,
I saw Regina giving Aaron eyes,
The two caressing cheeks and trading kisses.
So jealous was I, watching them flirt so,
I paid no mind where I was wandering
And fell, headlong, into a refuse bin.
O, envy that doth lead to scorn and shame—
At least four-fifths of ev’ry hour is spent
Discussing vile Regina with my friends,
And one-fifth spent in hoping someone else
Shall raise the topic of the heartless wench,
That I may talk about her even more
Sans seeming so entirely mad and foolish.
Enter JANIS IAN.
Ah, Janis! She hath taken to my bars,
Yet still I fear our plan moves sluggishly.
When thou dost think upon her, it is plain
She’s not as fair as ev’ryone believes.
JANIS As she grows large, her breasts are magnified,
Vast milk jugs that could quench a legion’s thirst.
CADY [aside:] ’Tis certain ev’ryone is bor’d of me,
And mine incessant griping over her.
Yet how can I my feelings swiftly cease?
The words pour forth, sans remedy, from me,
Like vomit from the mouth of one with plague.
[To Janis:] My theory ’tis, that if thou cutt’st her hair,
She would be twin unto a British man.
JANIS Thus have I heard, for thou said’st so before.
Thy jabs thou dost repeat most steadily,
Much like an uninvited guest who knocks
Upon the clos’d door of a private banquet.
Instead, why not come where thou art invited?
Soon I shall have a showing of mine art—
Wilt thou take time from this, th
y double life,
And give me thy support? I’d have thee there.
CADY ’Tis well.
JANIS —What is that smell that strikes my nose?
CADY Regina gifted me some fine perfume.
JANIS Thou smellest like a baby prostitute,
Preparing for a night of many trysts.
CADY My thanks—and now, farewell until the next.
[Exit Cady.
JANIS The lass is chang’d, I fear, beyond repair.
When first she did arrive, I welcom’d her
As if she were a long-lost sister come—
A newfound, needed friend for Janis Ian.
Then did my perfect pair, with Damian,
Become a threefold miracle with her—
The complement ideal unto us both.
Alas, she did not heed my warnings dire:
With Plastic life she hath become obsess’d,
So torn by her desire for pure revenge
And her most earnest yearning to fit in,
She cannot choose, as one who sits upon
A fence and will not jump to either side.
She makes me sad—not mark’d or not laugh’d at,
Strikes me into a melancholy, aye.
O Cady, I would have my friend return—
This court of Plastics must, in time, adjourn.
[Exit Janis.
SCENE 3
At North Shore High School.
Enter CADY HERON, AARON SAMUELS, KEVIN GNAPOOR, and MADAM NORBURY, in mathematics class.
CADY [aside:] If I would grow to be Regina’s equal,
I must talk more with Aaron. [To Aaron:] By all rights,
My brain, for math, doth need a vast amendment.
AARON Thou understandest not?
CADY —Nay, canst thou help?
[Madam Norbury hands a recent examination to Cady.
NORBURY Well done, shrewd Cady. Truly thou hast come
To give my class joy and prosperity.
AARON Thy test is nearly perfect, Cady, look—
It seems thou understandest well enow.
CADY [aside:] If I will ply this ruse upon the lad,
I must commit entirely to my cause.
[Madam Norbury hands another examination to Cady.
NORBURY This was, however, far more disappointing.
KEVIN Zounds, Africa, how quickly hast thou fallen,
Like thou art antelope and math the lions.
How went thou negative so suddenly?
AARON How didst thou fare this time?
CADY —Far from my goals.
[Aside:] Yet closer to my goal another way.
[To Aaron:] Methinks a tutor’s skill would serve me well,
