Aisling dusts off her dress and says, “Okay, but hurry. We’re hungry.”
As soon as they’re out of sight, I pull my hand away and settle Ishu with the best glare I can work up under the circumstances. “What are you doing?”
“Um, making sure you can actually eat at the place we’re going to?”
“Well. While I appreciate your concern, it’s not going to get you any Head Girl voters.”
“Right.” Ishu blinks like she had forgotten about the Head Girl thing—the entire reason she’s here and we’re doing this. “I just thought …” She shakes her head.
“Just remember everything I told you. Remember Riverdale.” I look her right in the eye as if I can transfer all of my knowledge and love of Aisling and Dee through eye contact. If only.
“Riverdale,” Ishu whispers. “KJ Apa and Cole Sprout.”
“Sprouse. Cole Sprouse.”
“Cole Sprouse.” Ishu smiles. “I got it. By the end of the night, I’ll be Aisling and Deirdre’s new best friend.”
chapter twenty-four
ishu
IT’S SAFE TO SAY THAT BY THE END OF THE NIGHT, I DO not become best friends with Deirdre or Aisling. But I also don’t become mortal enemies with them.
In fact, I spend our date laughing at all of their bad jokes and pretending that all of the basic white boys they find attractive are actually attractive. I even pretend that dating Barry and Colm—like making the decision to date them—makes any kind of sense.
We decide to part ways at the Luas stop. Hani declares she’s going to drop me home like we’re some antiquated heterosexual couple and not two queer teens who don’t even have access to a car. Aisling and Dee are catching a bus home, and Barry and Colm are getting two separate buses.
Aisling actually flashes me a smile as we say goodbye—and it’s not the kind of smile that suggests she wants to destroy me.
“You know, you should come hang out with us during lunchtime at school,” she says.
Hani nudges my shoulder with hers like I’ve just received an invitation to visit the Queen at Buckingham Palace, and Dee nods her head up and down a little too fast, like a bobblehead.
“Sure, that might be nice,” I say, with a smile of my own.
“Great, see you later!” With that, Aisling, Dee, Colm, and Barry turn and begin to make their way home.
“She likes you!” Hani exclaims, turning to me with delight etched into every inch of her face.
“I guess I should have tried to date her, not you.” I smile.
Hani slaps me lightly on the wrist. “Shut up. Like you could have achieved any of that without my help.”
We pile onto the Luas and, surprisingly, manage to find seats together. Hani is still smiling so brightly that I’m surprised her cheeks don’t collapse from the effort.
“A lunch invite doesn’t mean we’re friends,” I point out. “Or that she’s going to support me as Head Girl.”
“It’s a step in the right direction!” Hani nudges me again with her shoulder. “Don’t be such a pessimist, Ishu.”
I sigh and glance out the window. The warm, sunny day has descended into a cool evening. Considering the gathering clouds, it might not be the nicest night. For some reason, the thought of our plan working fills me with a dread I can’t quite explain.
“Ishu.” Hani’s voice draws me out of the stream of thought I had lost myself inside.
“Yeah?”
“Our plan is working. You should be happy.”
When I turn, Hani is analyzing me a little too closely. Our faces are inches apart and I can make out the exact shade of warm brown that her eyes are—far lighter than mine. I can make out every imperfection on her skin—there are too few—and the tiny mole she has just by her right ear.
“Ishu?” I jump back, almost hitting the window of the Luas with the back of my head.
“Fuck, sorry.” I rub at the back of my head, trying to bite down whatever the hell is going on with me. Except I can’t. I don’t know how to tell Hani that the best part of this whole evening was in the park when she took my hand in hers, and now, when she’s sitting so close that I’m pretty sure her scent has spread to me through osmosis.
“Hey …” Hani places a hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry. I know this whole thing is important to you, and this isn’t a guarantee or whatever. But lunchtimes with Aisling and Dee mean that everyone will think you’re part our group. That already ups your cool factor by like …” She places her hand above her head to indicate how cool I apparently will be soon.
I have to smile at her concern. And her enthusiasm. Hani obviously doesn’t—and can’t—know that the thing weighing on me heavily at this point in time is not my social status or being Head Girl. But my increasing crush on her. Not helped by anything she’s doing.
“I know,” I say finally. “Thank you … for everything you’ve already done. I’m sure at least a few more people won’t hate me after seeing me at lunch with you guys.”
Hani looks at me with her eyebrows furrowed. “You know that people at school don’t hate you, right?”
“They don’t?”
“No … they’re … intimidated by you. You can be intimidating. I was intimidated by you.”
“You were?” I find that a little difficult to believe.
Hani rolls her eyes. “Stop repeating everything I say. Yes, I was intimidated by you. A little. I mean …” She looks away from me now, staring at the empty space in front of us, and takes a deep breath. “You’re like … super smart. The smartest person in our entire year. Not just in results. You also just know … so much. About so many things. And you always speak your mind and you can stand up to anybody. You’re basically like … invincible.”
“So … everybody at schools thinks I’m Superman?”
Hani turns back to me with another smile that lights up her whole face.
“No.” She chuckles. “They think you’re a lot of things they’re scared to be … so it’s easier to just not interact with you.”
“So … that’s why you’ve steered clear of me all these years.”
“You were the one who didn’t want to be friends with me when you first started at our school!” I know she’s not really accusing me because she chuckles as she says it. I guess she’s not wrong.
“You know why. They were trying to pigeonhole us—the two Bengali girls should be friends. Then we could just be the two Bengali girls and nothing more.”
“So, now that we are friends, are we pigeonholed?”
“Are we friends?” I ask, instead of answering her question.
“I sure hope so.” She laughs nervously. “Do you … not want us to be?”
“I thought …” I say slowly. “We were girlfriends?”
A flash of surprise registers in Hani’s expression. Just surprise—not disgust or amusement.
We hold each other’s gaze for a moment longer than necessary. I will her to say something—yes, we are a couple. Or laugh—no, how could you ever think that? I will her to do something. Lean in? Lean back? Anything.
It’s just then that the automated Luas announcement clicks on, and it’s as if it breaks our trance. Our strange moment when we were almost … something. And I’m not sure what that something was.
“Milltown,” says the electronic voice. “Báile an Mhuilinn.”
“Shit. That’s us.” I jump out of my seat, and I’m halfway out the door when I notice that Hani isn’t following behind. “Hani?”
She doesn’t get up. Doesn’t even meet my eyes. “I’m just going to go to the next stop and get my bus.”
“Oh … okay.” There’s so much more I want to say, but there’s a beep, indicating the doors are about to close, and I step outside. It’s only as the Luas starts up once more and begins moving that I catch Hani’s eyes through the window.
I have no idea what she’s thinking.
chapter twenty-five
hani
WHEN I STEP OUTSIDE THE LUA
S FIVE MINUTES LATER, it’s raining. And not the usual Irish drizzle that barely gets your hair wet—it’s a downpour.
I guess that’s what I get for skipping out on my promise to walk Ishu home. That’s the thought swimming around in my head as I leg it all the way to the bus stop. Not that it makes any kind of a difference because a) the other thoughts, the ones I’m not doing such a great job of suppressing, are still trying to push their way to the surface, and b) it’s raining so hard that just taking the few minutes to run gets me absolutely soaked.
What is it about Ishu that being with her always leads to me getting drenched?
I shake my head, slip onto the bus and settle down in my seat. When I glance at my phone, I find three missed calls from Ishu. And six messages in my group chat with Dee and Aisling. I slide my finger over both the notifications so that they disappear. I turn on Spotify, hit shuffle, and turn the music up the loudest it will go.
I drown out the world—and, most importantly, my thoughts—and just stare out the window, focusing on the rain against the glass, the hazy cars passing, and the music.
Aisling: actually had a lot of fun tonight
Dee: Ishita is really different from how she usually is in school!
Aisling: she’s kind of fun?
Dee: right??
Aisling: maybe we can do something together tomorrow??
Dee: yeah I’d be up for that
Aisling: movie at mine??
Dee: Maira????
Aisling: hellooooo?
I wake up to all of these messages in my inbox and heave a sigh. The last thing I want to do is spend the day watching a movie with Dee, Aisling, and Ishu. I’m pretty sure Ishu doesn’t want to do that either. So I send them back a quick reply:
Hey, sorry … was asleep. No can do on the movie today, sorry. Maybe next weekend?
There’s another message from Ishu. All it says is, are we good? and I’m not sure how to respond to that. Because I don’t know if we are good, but I don’t want her to know that. So I just send a thumbs up emoji and hope she leaves me alone.
What I want to do more than anything is talk to someone about what happened yesterday, because I still can’t wrap my head around it.
The way Ishu was looking at me … the question she asked …
I lie back in bed and stare up at the beige ceiling, wishing that feelings and relationships made any kind of sense. But of course they don’t. That would be too easy.
Under normal circumstances, this is the kind of thing that Amma would be able to help me with. She always gives the best advice about everything. It’s like she’s already experienced everything I’ve experienced, so I can avoid making the exact same mistakes as her with her stellar advice. But I’m pretty sure Amma has never fake dated a girl and then discovered that actually, she might be developing real feelings for her. And—because the whole thing is a big fat lie—I can’t tell Amma about it anyway. She’ll tell me to come clean to everyone about everything. We can’t do that. Not now that my friends actually like Ishu, and might be getting on board with who I am. And Ishu is on track to become Head Girl.
Still, there’s comfort in just knowing that Amma is there if I need her. Yes, she’ll make me come clean, but she’ll probably at least let me cry on her shoulder first.
So, after grabbing breakfast, I peek into Amma’s room. She’s at her desk, typing away on her laptop.
“Amma? You busy?”
She looks up and flashes me a smile. “Not really. What’s up? Did you eat breakfast?”
“Yeah, I just ate,” I say. “Where’s Abba?”
“He has some meetings today,” she says. “Won’t be home all day.”
“He’s been really busy lately, huh?”
She just shrugs, like she’s used to it. Ever since he started running in the county council elections, it’s been pretty difficult to get ahold of him. The only time I see him is when I’m helping him out with something, because he’s always in different meetings. Even when he is home, he’s hard to talk to because he’s answering emails or on the phone. I don’t know how Amma deals with it, when it even annoys me sometimes.
“Do you want to watch a movie together today?” I ask. “You can pick the movie … I won’t even complain if it’s a Bollywood one.”
Amma studies me for a moment. “Everything okay? How was your date last night?”
“It was fine. It was … nice,” I say. “It started raining at the end of the night and I got soaked and now I feel a little sickly, so … I just want to watch a movie with my Amma now.”
She doesn’t look convinced. Still, she nods. “Okay … but it will definitely be a Bollywood movie. What’s new on Netflix?”
“I can check!” I’m already pulling out my phone.
“I can make lunch … your favorite: akhni.” She closes her laptop and stands up, ready to go to the kitchen.
“Amma, if you start making akhni, how will we watch the movie?”
“After the akhni,” she says, like it’s obvious. “It won’t take a long time.”
“Akhni takes a long time,” I insist. “How about we just order biryani from Suraj Uncle’s restaurant?”
“It’s not the same as akhni,” Amma says. Akhni is Sylheti biryani, which is why everyone in my family thinks it’s the superior form of biryani.
“I know, but it’s biryani, and you won’t have to spend the day in the kitchen,” I say. “We can have akhni another time. For my birthday, or something.”
Amma hates getting takeout when she can cook a better meal for cheaper at home, but she concedes.
An hour later, it’s just Amma and me, our plates full of really good biryani—which is not as great as akhni—and Sonam Kapoor and Fawad Khan in Khoobsurat. For a little while, at least, I manage to pretend that my problems don’t exist.
chapter twenty-six
ishu
HANI DOESN’T ANSWER MY PHONE CALLS OR REPLY TO any of my messages Saturday night and just sends me a thumbs up emoji on Sunday morning. I’m pretty sure I’ve royally screwed everything up with my ridiculous feelings. Now Hani doesn’t even want to talk to me. This was one of the things I predicted would happen if I confessed any of my feelings, except it’s worse because I haven’t even confessed anything—not really. I’ve just scared her off.
I try to ignore the gnawing feeling of hurt and betrayal in my stomach, but I barely get any sleep on Saturday night. Hani didn’t even message to let me know that she got home okay. I keep opening our guide, because it feels like a history of us. Hani always updates it with all of the pictures she takes, and until yesterday she was filling up the latest pages with information I should know about Aisling and Deirdre. But since our triple date Hani hasn’t added anything. That makes me feel even worse.
I throw myself into my studies on Sunday since I spent Saturday dawdling around, doing basically nothing productive. Because I’m sure that Aisling and Deirdre will not be my friends if Hani isn’t even talking to me.
I have to keep control of what I can control: my results and my future. Whether that contains becoming Head Girl or not. We have another biology test on Monday and I’m determined to get as close to a perfect result as I can get.
“Hey.” Aisling slides right next to me in biology class. “Did you have a good weekend?” She smiles at me like we’re friends, which obviously means that Hani hasn’t told her friends about whatever is going with her and me. There are a few people who glance over their shoulders at the two of us—trying to be discreet but failing horribly at it.
“Yeah, it was good. Quiet Sunday.” I shrug.
Hani strolls in and gives us both a wave before taking her place in the seat in front of us. At least she’s not straight out ignoring me, I guess.
“Did you study for the test?” Aisling asks, taking her biology book and copies out of her backpack.
“I did, yeah,” I say.
“I bet you’re going to get another A.” She grins.
I shrug. “Here’
s hoping.”
Ms. Taylor interrupts our conversation just then by entering the classroom. A quick hush falls over everyone as she click-clacks her way to the front of the room.
“Okay, today’s the big test. Your summer exams are coming up so this is good practice,” she says. As if she doesn’t give us a test every week. “I hope everyone studied.” She barely gives people time to register her words before passing the tests back row by row.
Hani whispers a “good luck” to both of us as she passes the bundle of tests down.
I write my name at the top of the test paper and open it up. It’s a long test—it’s supposed to last for the entire class. It has most of the things that we’ve studied this whole year. Still, it’s not difficult. The last thing I studied yesterday—ecology—is the first thing on the exam. And it’s just definitions, which is easy. It’s just having to memorize a bunch of stuff.
I’m scribbling down what a biosphere is when I feel a slight nudge on my ribs. I look up, but everybody’s head is bent down over their own test. Even Aisling—who is the only person who could have nudged me—is staring down at her test with furrowed eyebrows. Maybe it was a mistake?
I’m about to go back to my test when Aisling slides a note across the narrow space between us.
Let me take a peek?
I can only stare at the words for a moment. I should have known this was why Aisling decided to sit right next to me in class today. Why she has been so friendly. Maybe why she agreed to hang out with me on Saturday, and probably why she invited me to sit with them at lunch.
If I let her take a look at my test, if I let her cheat, does that mean I’m good in her books? Does that mean we’re friends? Or friendly enough for her to tell people that they should vote for me for Head Girl? Even if she doesn’t, isn’t the association already going to be much more than I’d ever get without her? People have already started treating me differently, just because I’m “dating” Hani. Who knows how things will change if I’m dating Hani and I’m friends with Aisling and Deirdre?
Hani and Ishu's Guide to Fake Dating Page 13
