by Benyamin
My throat was aflame when I woke up. But where was the water to soothe it? Allah, how much water have I wasted back home! Now I am begging for a drop of it. I realize the greatness of my homeland. Is this, Allah, the punishment for that waste? Forgive me!
Water. I realized how precious it is.
Thirty-five
Writers in every language and religion have seen the desert as a space for enlightenment and spiritual revival. There are writings that suggest life in the desert can create an explosion of knowledge in the brain. But the desert did not revive me in any way. I lived in the desert for more than three years. Then I tried crossing it. All through, the desert gave me nothing but grief and frustration. Maybe the desert gave spiritual knowledge to those who came seeking it. I didn’t set out to look for anything, so I got trapped. It must have decided that it had nothing to offer me.
With no idea of where we were going, we wandered in the desert for another two days. We didn’t get anywhere. Nobody saved us. By then we were absolutely tired. The blisters on our feet from walking on the hot sand burst. The swelling had gradually spread to our knees. Unbearable burning. Pain. It must have been about afternoon that day when Hakeem, who had been walking quietly, suddenly rushed forward, shouting ‘Water! Water! Allah, water!’
I stared fearfully in the direction in which he was running. I guessed, even with my little experience of travelling in the desert, that it was a mirage. I called him back. But, without heeding my cries, Hakeem ran forward shouting like a madman. Ibrahim and I ran after him and caught him. By then he was frothing at the mouth. Blood was dripping from his nose. I wiped his face with my clothes and we forced him to sit down. He told me he was feeling dizzy. After some time he began to make strange gestures. Suddenly he sprang up like a person who had contracted rabies and ran away.
We ran after him. After running for a while, he fell down exhausted. Then he began to cry very loudly. He pushed us away when we went to catch him and began to eat hot sand. Although Ibrahim and I tried to stop him, he shrugged us off with demonic strength and kept eating sand. Then, he started vomiting. There was nothing Ibrahim or I could do. We were helpless. After vomiting for some time, Hakeem began to spit blood. He writhed in the sand like a beaten snake. His eyes bulged out. More blood began to ooze from his nostrils and mouth along with froth and foam.
‘Ibrahim, do something! My Hakeem will die now,’ I cried. ‘Allah, my Lord, Lord of all the worlds, Let nothing happen … Let nothing happen to my Hakeem! Please protect him,’ I prayed beating my breast.
I looked at the heavens. The flaming sun met my eyes.
I went to Ibrahim again, crying, ‘Do something Ibrahim …’ He sat unmoving and in my anguish I hit him and kicked him and spat on him.
‘We can’t do anything but leave Hakeem to Allah’s care,’ Ibrahim cried. I had never seen Ibrahim look so helpless.
I was shattered. I sank down, closing my eyes. I couldn’t watch Hakeem’s convulsions. His grunts and shudders lasted for a little while. Slowly, I opened my eyes and glanced at him. He was lying there staring at me. He was trying to say something. I ran to him. ‘Dear Hakeem, don’t worry!’ I took him into my lap. His eyes moved once. Then slowly they became still. A pall of darkness spread over my brain. A deathly fatigue overcame my body. I blacked out.
When I opened my eyes, I was hanging from Ibrahim Khadiri’s shoulder like a dead body. The desert was blowing a furious dust storm. Even taking a step forward was difficult. Still, Ibrahim was carrying me on his shoulders and running fast. I couldn’t understand why he was running like that. But I was so exhausted that I couldn’t get down.
I looked around me as I hung on. There was some movement behind the sand dune. Wondering what it was, I looked carefully. The movement wasn’t behind the sand dune, it was the sand dune that was moving. Like a wave comes from the far corner of the sea, a sand wave was moving in from the desert. And behind that came other huge waves. I felt that we were not standing in a desert, but on a beach. The topography was constantly changing before my eyes. The sand dunes would rise up and fall down and vanish into thin air.
‘Shut your eyes tightly,’ Ibrahim screamed. He put me down and hugged me close. ‘Don’t move!’ We stood there embracing each other. Within a few moments, the fringe of a wave came and touched us. I could feel the hot sand burning my face, body and hands. I don’t know how long we had to remain like that in that cave of sand. When I was sure the wind had subsided, I slowly opened my eyes and looked. Embracing me was a sand figure! There was only dust in the air. I couldn’t see anything ahead. Sand everywhere. We were almost waist deep in sand. More than that, what amazed me was the fact that the sand mountain in front of me had moved ahead. As if a map had been redrawn in front of us. A mountain like that one have buried my Hakeem forever.
Thirty-six
Somehow Ibrahim dragged himself out of the sand dune and he pulled me out too. He was about to put me on his shoulder and walk when I wriggled out of his grasp. ‘Ibrahim, abandon me here and save yourself. I don’t want to go anywhere without Hakeem. I don’t want to escape. We came together. I can’t go home without him. I can’t face his ummah’s questions or meet his sister’s eyes. Leave me here. I want to go with him. I want to go with him!’
I tried to rush towards the sand mountain that had buried Hakeem’s body. But Ibrahim grabbed me and forced me on to his shoulder, ‘Allah didn’t send me to that masara to abandon you like this. I couldn’t save Hakeem, but I will permit you to die only after I die.’
I didn’t have the strength to resist him. I hung on his shoulder like a wilted plant. I sobbed like a small child. Carrying me, he walked through that sand forest. Thirst, fear and hunger clung to us. I could feel my own heart beat. As moments passed it grew fainter. Even my breath became faint. My tongue felt heavy, as though I could never again move it. The world grew dark and moved around me. Like steam, heat came out of my skull. I began to lose control of my senses. I realized that I was becoming like Hakeem in his final moments. I don’t have much time left in this world. It was time to say goodbye. I tried to remember all those who loved me and those whom I loved. Not many human faces came to my mind. Ummah, Sainu, Hakeem … But the goats in my masara filled my mind’s eye one after another. Nabeel, Aravu Ravuthar, Pochakkari Ramani, Marymaimuna, Indi Pokkar, Njandu Raghavan, Parippu Vijayan, Chakki, Ammini, Kausu, Raufat. Maybe that was because those goats had loved me more than humans did. All of them bade me goodbye.
Evening came. Night came. Again we lay on the sand. A whole night passed during which we did not utter a word to each other. I didn’t think I had the strength to live through that night. But I survived. I was alive the next morning.
Thirty-seven
The wind had subsided and the morning was unusually serene. We slowly got up, neither of us uttered a word. Hopes and expectations had come to an end. We only wanted to reach some place. I did not even want to reach any place, I just wanted to die as soon as possible. I couldn’t withstand the thirst and the heat any longer. Allah, save us, as you saved Hakeem from this hell.
My feet did not fall firmly on the ground as we walked through the sand. I was walking like a half-dead person. Ibrahim offered to carry me on his shoulders many times. I didn’t let him. I knew that I would die that day. Only that much of life was left in my body. I decided to walk hoping I would die more quickly if I walked.
After walking for some time, we spotted the footprints of some creatures on the sand. Light signs of their furtive excursions. Ibrahim followed them and saw where they led. They stretched far and ended in the wild. Confirming that it was the desert’s heartland, he led me in the other direction. We might have walked till around noon when all of a sudden we spotted a big lizard on the sand.
‘Lizard!’ crying loudly, Ibrahim ran after it. I didn’t understand his excitement. I was already swaying in half-sleep. Hoping to fall any time …
‘Najeeb, did you see that? It was a lizard!’ Ibrahim cried joyfully.
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br /> ‘So?’ I frowned.
‘Do you know what a lizard in the desert means? It means that there’s water somewhere near,’ he said gleefully.
‘Really?’ Suddenly, I came awake with hope.
He nodded. ‘Now we have to be extremely careful with every step. We shouldn’t go back into the desert. This is our last chance,’ Ibrahim warned.
Therefore, we walked very carefully. With each step, we looked for more lizards. We moved in the direction towards which they had fled. We had reached the top of a sand dune when I saw it clearly. Green tops at a distance! Date palms. Small shrubs. There had to be water nearby! After that I didn’t know whether I was running or flying. Forgetting all fatigue I rushed there. Although my legs were as heavy as an elephant’s, I ran, dragging them along. Although my legs were cut and were bleeding, I ran over stones ignoring them. Ibrahim Khadiri was behind me. Even though I had walked longing for death, the desire to live was deep within me. Maybe it was that craving that helped me hold on to life till the very end.
Since I was sure about the presence of water I ran madly through the thick shrubs. There was the buzz of a thousand bees in my head. A thousand white circles soared in front of my eyes. I could relate to Hakeem’s mad gestures in his last moments. I had become mad with thirst. I moved here and there, running in all directions. But Ibrahim looked for water in a calm, systematic manner. He looked for spots with more greenery. Places where the sand was damper. Finally he found a small pool among the shrubs. He raised his hands to the heavens and cried aloud, ‘Allahu Akbar! Water! Water! Allahu Akbar!’
My head was ablaze when that sound fell on my ears. I ran towards him like a madman. When I saw it, my eyes opened wide with wonder. A small pool amid the shrubs. So much water! Crazy with thirst, I dashed towards it. Suddenly Ibrahim pulled me away. ‘Don’t drink!’ he shouted. My eyes blazed. My blood boiled. Gathering all my strength, I hit him on his neck. He staggered at that unexpected assault.
Again I moved towards the water. Then Ibrahim caught my legs and dragged me to a distance and laid me down. ‘Let me off, dog. I am thirsty! I must drink water,’ I screamed.
But he wouldn’t let me go. I hit my chest and cried. ‘My Lord, why do you make it so difficult for me to get what I long for? Strike this villain down with lightning. I walked with him all these days. He killed Hakeem. Now his plan is to kill me. That crook will finish all the water in the pool. I won’t even get to moisten my tongue. I must drink some water before I die. I must know its taste,’ I struggled and screamed.
Since Ibrahim had taken me so far away from the pool I had no strength to get up and go towards it. He went to the pool. I closed my eyes unable to bear the sight of him finishing up all that water.
All of a sudden, I felt a dampness on my lips. I opened my eyes. Ibrahim was sitting near me. He had a wet piece of cloth in his hand. He was moistening my lips with that. Greedily, I opened my mouth. As a drop of water from it fell on my tongue, I sprang up as if burned with acid. He again dabbed my mouth with that cloth. Drop by burning drop of water oozed on to my tongue.
Again, Ibrahim went and wet the cloth. Water forced its way through my tongue into my throat. That moistness reached my stomach burning all the sore spots. It was only after my mouth was moistened fully that the burning sensation slowly ebbed and a thirst began to grow in me. Ibrahim walked me to that spring. Scooping water in his palms, he slowly poured it into my mouth. I drank till I was fully satiated. I felt, with pleasure, the wetness spreading to each cell of my body. Finally, after I drank enough, I fell down on the ground exhausted. It was only then that Ibrahim Khadiri took the wet cloth to his own parched tongue for the first time.
I sobbed heavily recalling my pettiness.
Thirty-eight
We stayed at that oasis for the next three days. We drank enough water and ate dates from the palm trees. We slept enough and washed off the fatigue of all those days from our bodies. But the pain, swollen legs and burnt soles remained. Every morning Ibrahim went out to scout the area and returned in the evening. His goal was to locate human presence, so that we could find out more … Was there any way for us to get out? Where were we? And so on.
On the very first day, Ibrahim rejected my offer to go with him. ‘In the desert, you are like a fast-withering flower. The next step in your journey will begin only after we find a proper route.’ I was scared that he would lose his way during his wanderings and not be able to come back for me. I valued his companionship and did not want to be alone on this earth. Worry welled up in me when he was late to return. I couldn’t imagine being lonely. I would be at ease only after I caught sight of him on some distant sand dune.
Once Ibrahim Khadiri left for the day, I would walk around the entire oasis. Usually, the greenery of an oasis spreads over many acres. Arabs and travellers visit the place. This was nothing like that. It could have been the world’s smallest oasis, it was so tiny. It had a pool, some date palms, some unknown cacti, some small plants. Surrounding this little green patch was an endless stretch of sand. A tiny oasis. God’s own Garden of Eden. I often wondered if God had created the oasis only for us.
On the afternoon of the third day, Ibrahim returned happy. It meant that he had seen something that pleased him. Dragging myself, I approached him. ‘What, Ibrahim, any signs of a road?’
‘We’re not very far away from life, Najeeb,’ he said. ‘Today, I discovered three stones. Three stones used by humans. Some people had come that way. Lit a fire in a hearth made with stones to cook food. It is a good sign.’
The next morning, we walked in that direction. It was pointless to stay in the oasis for much longer. So we left the safety of water to go where Allah would take us. I also saw the stones Ibrahim was excited about. That open area did not have loose sand. As we went around inspecting it, a path slowly became visible. A path made by regular vehicle traffic. More evidence of human presence. It could have been a spot city dwellers frequented for fun. If that was the case, this path would surely lead us to a safe destination! Again our hope that we would be saved began to swell. With that hope we hurriedly followed the path. At each turn, behind every hill, we expected human presence. But that path took us through barren and uninhabited land. Then, we saw it. A long mark, like the lines on the squirrel’s back, running through the middle of a sand dune! My ravenous eyes spotted it from far away. Hurriedly I ran towards it.
My suspicion turned out to be correct. It was the mark of wheels. My Lord, Rabb al alameen, this mark could signify so many things. That some human being had been here! That there is human presence nearby. That there is a road somewhere nearby. That there is a human settlement somewhere nearby. A little lamp of hope was lit in that great world of darkness.
We decided to follow that track. We firmly believed it would lead us to a secure place. The wheel marks were not of a vehicle belonging to any human being. It was the mark made by the wheels of Allah’s vehicle. A pointer to escape. Allah, thank you. A thousand thanks. A billion thanks.
Still we were apprehensive. A breath of wind would have been enough to end all that hope. If the wind turned direction, that wheel mark would dissolve into nothing. But that day, Allah was with us. He did not permit the wind to even stir. Forgetting all our discomfort, we started to run. I forgot the ache in my legs, the twitches, the swelling, the pain, the burning, the cuts, everything. We reached the path before the wind blew it away. Twisting and turning, it went on as we ran alongside. Our dreams also came alive.
I am not sure how long we ran following the flicker of hope. It was dusk when we were sure that we had almost reached our destination. But, in an unfortunate turn of events, the wind which had been dead throughout the day, suddenly sprang up and vigorously carried away the wheel trail on its wings.
We stood shocked. When the storm subsided, only endless emptiness stretched wide open before us. Desperately, I broke into a cry. I looked towards the heavens. ‘Enough, Lord, enough. Please don’t play games with me any more, Lord. I
can’t stand being mocked by you any longer.’ Ignoring Ibrahim Khadiri’s entreaties to go on, I lay over the sand waves, like the remains of a shipwreck. One more evening was washed away in tears.
Thirty-nine
Dawn had not yet broken. I was jolted out of sleep by an unfamiliar sound. It must have been a dream. I closed my eyes. Again that sound. I woke up. The desert, discarding all its fury, was sleeping serenely. One could clearly hear even distant sounds. Again that sound. I listened, paying close attention. When fully loaded vehicles pass through the highway, their tyres make a peculiar sound. How many times had I heard it in the silent hours of the night back at the masara. Surely, this too is the sound of a vehicle moving at some distance, somewhere. I could hear the traffic intermittently.
Before me was a reasonably big hill. There must be a highway on the other side of this hill, unless my senses had completely failed me and this noise was the hallucination of my tired mind. Vehicles passed through that highway! I scrambled up from my sleep. ‘Ibrahim!’ I screamed. ‘We have reached. We have reached.’ My mind was fluttering with joy. I ran to where Ibrahim was sleeping. But he wasn’t there. I looked all around. Ibrahim wasn’t there anywhere.
‘Ibrahim! Ibrahim!’ I shouted, moving around the place. There was no reply from anywhere. Where had he gone? He had gone to sleep along with me. ‘Ibrahim! Ibrahim!’ I shouted again and again, searching for him. All those shouts blended into the desert’s infinity without any answer.
The first light broke in the desert’s eastern corner. The pall of darkness disappeared. Right in front of me, sand and hill came into view. Assisted by the light, I looked around for a long time. Ibrahim Khadiri was nowhere. Climbing up a sand dune, I looked all around. There was no sign of him. It was only after a lot of searching that I accepted the truth. My guide and my saviour Ibrahim Khadiri had disappeared from my life forever. Without leaving a trail.
