by Emma Janson
Holding on to the idea of love, he’d wished daily that it would happen again...but it never had. She never afforded time alone together, even if he planned it. But now, a month into his stay at Northern Lights, Lydia said that she was pregnant – and Ignacio’s mind was utterly blown into a million little pieces. Was she joking? He had to replay their experience in the dark in an unsettling mental loop to understand what had gone wrong. The only thing he regretted during their passionate time together was leaving things to chance by assuming that, when he’d unleashed himself from his jeans and she’d directed it with her hands into her body, she’d known what she was doing. He’d ignorantly presumed she was on some kind of birth control.
Dumbfounded that a one-night stand could end this way after weeks of his hoping for a relationship, he slowly picked the scenario apart as he relived it from memory – only to hear those three shocking words in an unfortunate coil of repetition. I am pregnant. He’d been calm when she’d said it through the laughter of the twins at their bay window, but numbness washed over him now as he remembered staring with confusion at her red lips over the words that had transpired between them. The rest of her speech was made up of mumbling with unrecognizably high and low tones that were much like the background noise of a television on low volume. Something in his mind told him this wasn’t the truth, but he never asked. He was shocked again when she touched his shoulder to echo that she was also leaving Northern Lights to deal with it.
How could she have used those words without blinking? Something about it wasn’t settling well in the confusion of his head. But if she knew his façade it wouldn’t make anything clearer other than the fact that they were liars together.
He wanted to tell her that he was falling in love with her and that everything would be okay, but he was a patient at Northern Lights and she didn’t know the truth. He certainly wasn’t going to expose himself to her in the front lobby of the building, with those nosey twins listening at their bay window.
So, he’d lovingly given her time to sort out everything. But she would never return to duty at the front desk. He’d stopped waiting for her when the ring he’d bartered from Maggie Koontz seemed to be endlessly rolling around in his pocket as a sad reminder of where his emotional state had been headed even before she’d disappeared.
Ironically, the person who eased the pain the most wasn’t one of the counselors or therapists who were happily getting paid to do just that. It was Buck Lynn, the southern orderly with a fascination for keeping his lips moist. Everyone, including Mr. and Mrs. Reed, agreed that Buck Lynn practically ran the mansion, and now Ignacio felt like he understood why. He was the ‘go-to’ guy for everything at the vineyard. So, it was no surprise to anyone that Ignacio sought his advice from Buck, as so many others had done before him.
Gay, obnoxiously tall, and southern were his identifying traits, but if given a moment to understand him, anyone found that his compassion was genuine for every client – yet, he maintained his professional responsibilities as a head nurse and an unofficial part-time security guard. The respect that he’d earned within the facility was pretty standard across the board, too, no matter if Sam said negative things about him or pushed his buttons. The average person did not come across a man as well-rounded as him very often, either. Everyone was lucky to know such a kind soul. He was funny when he was relaxed, serious when he needed to be, and persistent at the appropriate moments. In previous years, Jack and Jill Reed had rewarded him with select wines from their personal collections and gifted him etched metal certificates that were presented on fine wooden placards. He’d been grateful as usual and humble about his place at the facility, but deep down, he already knew his worth was invaluable to them and so many of the staff members. That’s why he’d stayed then, and it was why he still stayed now, even though some days working at a mental health facility became incredibly intense.
However, without the ability to develop real friendships among the clients, lack of fraternization did present itself as a work hazard and as a direct path to loneliness. His half-sister’s sudden interest and help at the front desk had been a blessing in disguise. Her timing had been impeccable after a horrible break-up he’d suffered through, and her desire to build a relationship with him had been just what he’d needed to pick himself up again.
But when she left, it was so sudden that it was hard for him to cope with the silence in their apartment after his shifts. She didn’t even take all her belongings – just two bags, and one photo of him and their dad before he’d run off and married her mom, the white lady. On the undusted portion of the table, where the framed photo had once stood, she’d placed a note that promised she would return the original after making a copy. Tragic as it was, Buck couldn’t really do anything but consider her ambitious youth as a part of the dramatic decision to leave. A lot of unanswered questions plagued him, so when he and Ignacio began talking, this was a key point of interest.
At first, when they had a moment to chat, the conversation tended to boomerang back to Lydia and her unusual disappearance. Both men were affected by it, but neither would divulge just how deep their personal ties were in the whole mysterious situation. Ignacio was five weeks into his therapy at Northern Lights when he and Buck began to discuss the facility in general and how they’d ended up there, along with bits of gossip from their days inside of it. Buck slowly began to appreciate Ignacio’s realistic sense of humor, longer hair, and stupid dimples that everyone loved so much. Having a friend in Northern lights made for pleasant working hours, and he noticed a great sense of pride returning to his personal work ethic.
Six weeks into Ignacio’s time at Northern lights, they shared lunch together every other day in the cafeteria, which led to discussions of outside interests and future dreams in between dirty jokes and talk of building fantasy football leagues. Their friendship bloomed into a brotherly bond, and yet there were hidden secrets they kept from each other. Ignacio didn’t speak about Lydia, and Buck never talked about his most recent past relationship. Those were boundaries that neither wanted to knock down.
By the time Ignacio had been at Northern Lights a grand total of eight weeks, he and Buck were on a first name basis – although, around others, they maintained a professional boundary. It had to be this way for obvious reasons. The only person to witness the deeper level of the relationship was Ignacio’s doctor. During a counseling session, she struck an emotional chord while attempting to discuss the VHS tape of the Cheyez incident. When the doctor persisted with what Ignacio felt was an irrelevant question, it triggered a belligerent outburst. Buck calmed the situation before it escalated; however, it was not necessarily in the capacity of Northern Lights security.
Before Buck had entered the room, Ignacio had been screaming with his hands up in the air like an alpha baboon. The doctor who was scrunched down in her chair knew she was beyond her scope and had pressed the hidden security button mounted under her desk.
“Why does everyone ask me about my feelings when I watched the fucking tape? Why doesn’t anyone ask about my mother’s feelings? You should have seen her god damned face! Where were all of you concerned assholes when she was fifteen? Bitch, I told you about the fingernails stuck in her face – the moons! Fuck the moon – I wish I could light that bitch on fire! Get me out of here. Open this piece of shit door before I kick it the fuck down!”
He tried to kick at the door, but the security button triggered a locking mechanism within it that was only to be opened by staff. By the time Buck arrived, Ignacio was standing on the back of a chair, pulling down a painting of a night sky over a body of water with a sailboat in the distance and, of course, the moon.
“Stop asking about the tape!” He whipped the painting at the scared counselor like it was a rectangular Frisbee. “Stop asking about the tape!”
Buck’s baritone shout only stunned him for a moment before he jumped down from the chair and charged at the door. Buck aimed his Taser without hesitation. “Sit down
, Mr. Cheyez, before I pull on this trigger long enough to make your grandchildren have seizures.”
“Get out of my way, Mr. Lynn!” Sarcastically, Ignacio wiggled his head at the formal use of names. Then he rushed Buck so quickly that the Taser flew out of his hands before he was stumbling backward. Buck quickly rebalanced himself and, in one impossible move, wrapped his arms around Ignacio to restrain further movement. There was no room for Ignacio to twist his body away from Buck’s firm yet somehow gentle embrace. Ignacio yelled about feeling pain and tried to thrash free, but Buck’s strength was more than a physical force. The suppression of his emotional eruption suddenly became an intensely intimate moment between them.
It seemed as if Buck’s voice was sincere, calm and assuring, but the kind of concern he projected through his words came across as a plea. “Isn’t that what you are here for? We will take care of you. That’s what you are here for – shhh…” He lowered his tone before continuing. “I will take care of you.” He looked over to the doctor, who had a white-knuckled grip around both arm rests of the chair she’d hid behind. Her eyes had witnessed more than a rescue. “We all will.”
Buck’s words pacified the anger that burned within Ignacio. Although his face was buried in Buck’s chest, it was as if he could finally breathe. He relinquished it all in an exhale that weakened his knees. Depleted, Ignacio slumped and gave in to a deep cry that purged his mind. He was letting the compassion of this man carry the heavy burden of his mother’s weight.
Ignacio moved his ear to Buck’s heart. He let the beat of it drum away his anger. They stood together until Buck loosened his grip. His eyes glassed over with tears made up of something other than sadness or pity. His heart beat with much more than adrenaline. His body swayed to sooth his friend with movements representing love.
That was when Mr. and Mrs. Reed ran into the office to check on the doctor, along with an older security guard, with the intent of sedating Ignacio. But, Buck told them he would personally escort the young man back to his room rather than relying on further drugs. The older guard spoke with the Reeds at that point, and then they simply gave him permission – after all, it was Buck.
PINKY SWEAR
It was never Ignacio’s intention to befriend people at Northern Lights, and certainly not when it came to a staff member with whom he should be strictly professional. However, he and Buck had one thing in common that brought them together, and her name was Lydia. They spoke of her in restricted conversations, and then as Ignacio’s relationship to Buck blossomed, the subject slowly became an unspoken closed door. It was suddenly possible to consider that Lydia’s disappearance was a blessing in disguise. It brought two people together and formed a friendship that was beginning to fill the holes in the men she’d left behind.
They continued living without answers to their questions. Sometimes not knowing the awful truth allowed people to move on despite the ties that bind. There was a certain kind of irony in the way life replenished itself at Northern Lights.
No matter the hidden circumstances, Buck and Ignacio naturally gravitated to each other. It opened the doors to happiness for both friends – something that each had forgotten existed.
Their conversations, no matter how simple, brought joy into their lives. Like the time Buck brought in a small plaque he’d received from the Reeds during his fifth year there. He spoke proudly of the bonus that had come with it and how he’d spent the money on a whitewater rafting trip. He shared his amazing adventures with Ignacio, who appreciated his story and the way he told it.
“I would offer to take you once you get out, but your hair would get wet, Ms. Priss, and I don’t know how to braid,” Buck harassed him. Ignacio used choice words as he laughed and went on to giggle through racial stereotypes about swimming. It was always the little things that bring the most joy.
As the bonding continued, Ignacio heard many stories from Buck, both funny and heartwarming. Most of them held a compassionate element that reminded him of his grandmother. He realized that Buck was more than a staff member or even a friend. He was a wonderful human being who really took pride in helping others. This quality was admirable, and Ignacio repeatedly told his buddy just that.
“I mean it, man. That was fucking nice. I wish someone would have done some shit like that for me when I was fifteen. You listened. You cared enough to actually listen.” He choked back the lump in his throat and pushed himself away from the lunch room table. He watched Maggie dump what appeared to be a full plate of food in the trash and walk out of the dining area. Distractions were good when he felt too emotional.
Buck shook his head as Ignacio returned his focus to the conversation. “Naw, anybody would have done the same.” The keys attached to his hip clinked as he dug into his pocket for the Carmex.
Ignacio, obviously touched by his most recent story, pressed on the best he could as the lunch crowd bustled around them. “That’s just it, man – no, they wouldn’t. Not only is that a great story, but you are humble about it, too. You have a good heart, fucker. Take a compliment.” He shook his head in an attempt at composure, then inhaled deeply and exhaled into a smile.
After moisturizing his lips and tucking the container away, Buck leaned his shoulders over the table. He spoke in a low tone, forcing Ignacio to lean in, too, so that he could understand him. “Are you messing with me? Tears? Get it together, girl – I’m the gay one here, but you are acting like it.” He pointed to Ignacio and circled his finger around his head, then retracted it while smacking his lips together. Ignacio, lingering in the smell of his lip balm, laughed so hard that tears began to well in his eyes. Buck laughed harder.
After wiping away moisture from the outside of his eyes, Ignacio said, “I haven’t laughed that hard in a minute. Hey, bro, do you have a boyfriend outside of here?”
“What do you mean ‘outside’? You act like I never leave,” Buck said in a small attempt to change the direction of the question.
“Seems like you are always here...come on, you know what the hell I mean. You’re such a cool guy. I’m just wondering.” Ignacio shrugged and took an oversized bite of his noodles.
Buck sat back in his chair and folded his arms over his chest. “You know, I don’t really care to talk about that personal stuff.”
While chewing, Ignacio said, “I told you I wiped my ass with my hands once because we didn’t have toilet paper, and you can’t answer the fucking question? We’re bonding.” Then he wiped his mouth with a napkin.
Buck didn’t move his arms, but his head turned to face the serving area. “I’m not indulging you in the lunch room of my working environment.” He shook his head and then looked back to Ignacio, demanding he change the subject.
“Damn, you are suddenly wound up tight. You need to get laid. What about the prep cook? He is a handsome queen.” Ignacio lifted his chin to the door of the kitchen and raised his eyebrows several times.
Buck was disgusted, and immediately turned his head in the opposite direction as if he would be sick from the thought of it. Then he leaned over his tray again, directing his softened voice at Ignacio. “I would not sleep with any man in this facility, so just stop.” He thought for a second, then circled his finger in the air to clarify that he was speaking about everyone at Northern Lights. “Sex isn’t just something ya’ll can just give away.” He sat up and took a sip of his water without breaking eye contact.
Ignacio wasn’t sure how to react to this, and rather than thinking about what had just happened, he said the first thing that came to his mind. “See, you have standards. That’s what I like about you. So, are you going to answer the question?” A part of him wished he would have shoved another fork full of noodles into his mouth instead of pushing, as he felt immediate regret after speaking. There was an uncomfortably long pause before Buck spoke again.
“I need to speak with Mr. Jenkins about his medication anyway, so I’m going to go.” Buck stood up and began placing his cup and silverware on his tray
. He seemed to be deep in thought.
Ignacio, recognizing the pain he’d caused, grabbed at Buck’s forearm. When he did, the muscles jerked inside. Ignacio’s pinky finger rubbed at Buck’s skin in gentle, subtle sweeps. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hit on such a sensitive subject. Please sit down.” He let go of his friend’s arm when Buck looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Ignacio looked around, too. Belinda had seen the gesture from the opposite side of the room, but not in detail. Ignacio folded his hands on his lap and tucked his rogue pinky under stronger fingers.
After another staff member walked behind him with her tray of food, Buck whispered, “It’s apparent that I am getting a little too comfortable during our lunch breaks. This is my fault.”
“Maybe we need privacy for our deeper man to man shit. I’m your friend now, and I enjoy getting to know you, all about you. Could we meet in the craft room after your meeting with Mr. Jenkins? We can talk about toilet paper and swimming instead.” Ignacio knew this would get Buck to smile, and it did. Then he added, “I’ll teach you how to braid hair. Every Mexican knows how to do that shit.” He flipped the bottom of his hair backward and laughed.
Buck shook his head. “Sure. It’s completely against my personal work ethic, though, and I may cancel.”
Ignacio held his hand up. “I can see you struggling with the thought of you having fun on duty, but I’m the fucking awesome exception.” In this moment of friendly egotism, there was joy.
“Go to group, you idiot,” Buck said, and then he walked away happy.