by Savi Sharma
‘Hello,’ he answered.
‘Kabir, there is something wrong with Vivaan,’ I began. ‘He has not replied to my messages, and now, his phone is switched off.’
‘He might be busy working. I am sure he will get back to you soon,’ Kabir said, consoling me. ‘Don’t worry.’
‘I hope he does,’ I said, and hung up.
~
Two days went by and there was no message or call from Vivaan. Kabir grew more and more worried. In the meantime, I was becoming frantic.
We finally decided to go to Vivaan’s bank and figure out the reason he wasn’t responding. It didn’t take us long to get into the car and arrive at Citibank.
I was unable to speak, so Kabir took over. ‘Can we please talk to Vivaan?’ he asked a teller.
She shook her head, allowing her long black hair to sway back and forth. ‘I am sorry, Vivaan doesn’t work here anymore. He resigned two days ago.’
The words hit me as if someone had punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me. Vivaan had resigned from his job as the assistant manager at Citibank. He had not told me that he was going to resign.
‘Do you know where he works now?’ Kabir pressed nervously.
The teller shook her head again. ‘I don’t know where he went, but I doubt he decided to work anywhere else. I heard him telling the manager that he was leaving … no, he said he was “escaping”. It seemed like he had had enough from life.’
I gasped and held on to Kabir as my knees threatened to buckle. I shook my head in disbelief. I couldn’t believe he had made all these arrangements and hadn’t told any of us. My body, my mind were numb when I realized he had truly ‘escaped’. I had dialled his number so many times, but there was no response. There had been no goodbye or explanation from him.
I tried to be brave and at first I was determined to brush it off. This was Vivaan, and his dream was to escape. I knew that from the very first night I set my eyes on him. But there had never been any real hint that he was just going to get up one day and leave.
I couldn’t help thinking, how long had he planned this? Had it always been his plan to vanish one day? He had told me several times that he couldn’t stay long in one place due to his love for travelling. I knew that. Then why did it crush me when the day finally came that he fulfilled his dream? He had moved on. Without me.
We somehow managed to control our emotions and reached Kafe Kabir.
‘Come on Meera, don’t cry,’ Kabir said as he noticed my eyes begin to fill up. ‘Meera, we all knew that he loved to travel. But don’t worry, he will be back.’
‘He didn’t even say goodbye,’ I broke down, throwing my arms on the counter and sobbing into them. I was heartbroken, and worse, I already missed him.
Kabir patted my shoulders. ‘Oh Meera, stop your tears. I am begging you to stop, or I am going to start, too,’ he said, his voice breaking.
I brought my head up and glared at him. ‘How can you ask me to stop crying? My heart has been ripped out of my body! The day I finally get the strength and courage to tell him how I feel, he is gone. I am lost without him!’ I threw my head back down and kept crying.
‘Meera, we will all miss him and you have every right to miss him,’ Kabir soothed. ‘All we can do is stay busy and keep him in our hearts and memories until he returns.’
No matter how long his trip would be, it was a very long time to live without Vivaan in my life. His beautiful smile wouldn’t be warming my soul any longer.
I sat at the counter as my whole world continued to shatter around me.
Kabir brought me my cappuccino. ‘At least you have a book to write! You can keep yourself busy with that. Maybe you can finish your novel before he comes back. Wouldn’t he be proud of you then?’
My whole body was still numb and I felt isolated in the crowded café. I knew there was still a lot more for me to do and accomplish in my life, but I thought Vivaan would be there to share it. Now I was trying hard to fit back into that place where I once belonged before he entered my life.
I finally realized that the walls of the café no longer had any miracles left within them. I had lost all interest in everything about my life or my story. Everything reminded me of Vivaan.
13
Blank Pages
It felt like it had been forever since Vivaan had been here. There were still times when a steaming black coffee would be served to the person next to me at the café, and I would turn to see if it was Vivaan.
Writing had become a struggle. Many times I would read what I had written and cry. I traced my fingers over the precious book with my name on it, trying to find the courage to turn to one more blank page.
It was only when I had lost Vivaan that I realized I loved him more than anything in this world. I would have given anything to get him back.
‘Kabir asked me to come in and talk to you,’ Nisha said one day. I jumped in my seat, not having heard her approach.
‘Nisha, there is nothing you can do or say to bring back Vivaan,’ I said sadly. ‘I have to figure out how to get over this hump so I can finally finish this story though.’
She nodded her understanding. I watched as she signalled Kabir to bring her a cold coffee with ice cream.
She sighed. ‘Life is about twists and turns,’ she began. ‘It is about experiencing everything and anything it throws your way. Some people are here to teach us lessons while other people will be here forever as we grow old together. I am not sure yet if Vivaan will be there for you, but time will heal your broken heart.’
‘I’m sure it will,’ I said, although I didn’t really believe her words or mine.
Nisha pressed on. ‘Just concentrate on everything you wanted. This is the time in which you can finally be an author. There is no one here to slow you down or stop you.’
‘But what if I never see him again?’ I finally voiced my greatest fear.
Nisha rubbed my arm lovingly. She was such a dear friend, and I thought of the heartaches she had experienced before Kabir proposed.
She was silent for a moment as she put her words together. ‘I have heard that if two souls are destined to meet, the universe will always find a way to make the connection. Even when you lose all hope, certain bonds cannot be broken. They show us who we were, who we are and who we can become. Amidst everything, nature will always find a way.’
Despite her confident words and my brave determination to move forward and keep writing, I wasn’t sure how to move on without Vivaan; that was the truth. Vivaan might never have disclosed his full story, but he always told me just enough to keep me interested and wanting more.
There was something about Vivaan’s story that had called my soul as if it was a piece of mine as well. It was hard enough that he had moved on, but having to finish a book where he was the main character and every thought I wrote was about him was even harder to deal with. Every page reflected his stories.
I thought about one conversation we’d had when I asked him where he wanted to go.
He explained, ‘I want to travel but I don’t mean I want to be a tourist. I want to be a traveller, an explorer. I want to explore another country and become part of it. Climb the hills, swim the rivers, walk on beaches, find the libraries, discover secrets and stories of the places.
‘I want to meet people who are different from me, but people with whom I can still be the same. I want to see things with new eyes and listen with new ears. I don’t want to come home whole; instead, I want to leave a piece of me in each place I have been. And thus, it would be an even exchange, as I take a piece of each place I visit.’
Was that how my book would end? With Vivaan vanishing like he always did, without a trace or a word? I didn’t want to end the book in such a way that made no sense to me. I didn’t want it to end suddenly in tragedy and loss. It was supposed to be the greatest story that anyone wou
ld ever know. At the moment, I was only writing the world’s most incomplete story.
No one understood that, without him, my story was incomplete. Least of all, Vivaan.
I didn’t say a word to anyone when I left the café. I didn’t talk much now. My courage to go forward in life, the confidence to work towards everything I wanted to accomplish … all of it seemed to be locked away and hidden. I wasn’t sure if it was still within me and just carefully hidden, or if Vivaan had taken my dreams with him as well.
I walked to my car and began driving. It was a route I had taken a thousand times to get to my apartment. The traffic was unbearable. The sun was beginning to set, and the burst of colours on the horizon made it look like flames were dancing in the sky. Beautiful shades of blue, pink and purple spread across above me.
‘I want to travel, travel the whole world. I want to go on a road trip. Enjoy every sunrise and sunset, sometimes from a hilltop and sometimes from behind the trees.’ Vivaan’s voice echoed in my mind.
Tears began to form again as I hit the steering wheel with the palm of my hand.
As quickly as my anger bubbled up, it settled even more rapidly into a bland sadness. ‘I hope you at least see this sunset, Vivaan, and you remember me here, where you left me,’ I whispered quietly in my car.
VIVAAN
14
My Memoirs
The last three months had been crazy. Since I had left India, I had seen so much of the world.
I started my adventures in China. I felt the burn in my calves as I walked part of the Great Wall and tasted food so delicious that my mouth was watering weeks later remembering it. The blue waters of the Peacock Riverbed in Jiuzhai Valley reminded me of the skirt Meera wore the first night we met. I smiled at the memory and moved on to the waterfalls in the park, their thundering sound nearly too much for my own thoughts to bother me.
I went to Tokyo next. The parks they had were amazing; there were zoos as well as lakes on which people used paddle boats. I saw the sunrise from Mount Fiji and it was breathtaking. From my hotel, I walked to Yoyogi Park and later toured the Hamarikyu Gardens. It was such a busy city, and I was ready for a quieter stop next.
In Italy, I explored Mount Vesuvius, and later toured the ruins of Pompeii. It was humbling to stand in the excavated walkways of the ancient city and face Vesuvius. A shiver went down my back as I thought of the thousands that perished when the great volcano erupted.
I took a ferry tour around the Isle of Capri and remained frozen on the side of the ship as it circled the area. It was beautiful to see the island rising out of the ocean in front of me. I opted not to take the gondola ride to the top of the island, but enjoyed the scenery from below just as much.
I went to Alaska and, bundling against the cold that seeped into my very bones, I saw the aurora borealis. Shivering violently, I watched the haunting blues and greens of the northern lights dancing in the crisp air with only the snowy surface of the ground to reflect it. During the day, I saw animals and birds I could have never imagined existed. I was overwhelmed when I saw my first moose; there was something oddly adorable about the brown, long-legged animals, but their sheer size was awe-inspiring. I couldn’t help but grin as one looked up from the bog where it was eating. The water draining from its mouth dripped off the vegetation that it was munching contentedly. I had focused my camera carefully, hoping to capture the awkward beauty of it.
I went to New York City because it is called the ‘Gateway to the World’. The city was always busy, and it stayed open all night. Even in the early morning hours cars rush by and, during the day, people are in such a hurry that they forget how to live all together. It was so bright there, with all the city lights, that I could not see the stars. There were just dark skies, there was none of the beauty that I knew was hidden beyond the neon lights that formed a visual umbrella, lighting up and masking way too much.
A quick flight later, I was in front of another thunderous spill of water—Niagara Falls. I walked out on the Prospect Point Observation Tower. As dusk fell, I sat on the cold concrete and hungrily watched the multi-coloured lights illuminating the rushing water.
The next morning I donned a plastic blue poncho and took a ride on one of the small boats that skitter up Niagara River to the bottom of the falls.
I felt the powerful engines fighting the currents in the river as we inched up to the falls. The roar was deafening, but I couldn’t hide a laugh of exhilaration as I felt the spray from the falls coating my face. The monsoons of India brought such a relief, but the force of the falls, with the light, insistent spray, was breathtaking. I watched several couples cuddling on the short voyage, their transparent blue hoods pressed together as they kissed or tried to make themselves heard over the roar.
I went to the Grand Canyon next. I wanted to see if it would be as beautiful as I expected it to be. Truly, any photo could not do justice to the view. It was awe-inspiring to see such an enormous cavern in the earth. I took a donkey ride to the bottom, loving each jostle as the donkey’s nimble feet picked the way down the steep paths.
Returning to the top again, it was nearly sunset and the view took my breath away. It was as if a small child had found his mother’s painting palette and mischievously splashed all the different shades across a canvas.
15
Emma
Back on the east coast, I decided to spend a few days in Boston. After NYC, I wasn’t sure if I was ready for the press of people there, but I was drawn to the rich history of the area. It was one of America’s birth cities, and I looked forward to learning a little more about the culture.
I decided to take the subway to Boston Common, a large park in the middle of town. The subway was very confusing, but I found some helpful college kids who helped me navigate through the different colours and lines. Still, I was happy to emerge from the subway as I stepped out onto Tremont Street, at the edge of the park.
There were people milling about, but it wasn’t as overwhelming as New York had been. In fact, everyone seemed very friendly. There were college kids lounging on the sun-soaked grass, and people playing Frisbee. Walking by a playground, I stopped to watch an old man making balloon characters for kids and laughed when he handed me a green dog. As I was leaving, a little girl’s balloon popped and she started wailing. I gave her my dog and was rewarded with a huge hug. I laughed. She smelled like apples.
‘You have a pretty smile,’ the little girl said innocently. ‘Want to come to the pool with us?’
I looked at her father for help. My English is very good, but I had no idea what she was talking about. The father grinned. ‘I think you have a new friend,’ he offered. ‘This is Emma,’ he said, running his fingers through her damp, blonde curls. ‘My name is Max.’ He held out his hand.
‘Vivaan,’ I said.
Emma giggled. ‘That’s a funny name,’ she said. ‘And you talk funny!’
‘Emma!’ her father scolded.
‘It’s okay,’ I said. ‘I am from a different country, far, far away,’ I explained to the little girl.
‘Where is your little girl?’ she asked.
‘Emma!’
I smiled. I was enjoying this spirited little creature very much. ‘I don’t have a little girl yet. I hope she is just like you when I do, though!’
She started tugging her father’s hand. ‘I guess we’re heading to the pool,’ Max said apologetically. ‘You are welcome to join us, though. It’s so hot today, even I’m going to dip my feet!’
I agreed happily. After travelling for so long by myself, it was nice to have a little company again.
Emma slid her hand in mine and half-skipped, half-galloped as we made our way to the pool. It was actually a large stone area with a small fountain in the middle and only a few inches of water. Kids were scampering and splashing under the fountain. At the side of the pool, Emma dropped to the ground and yanked off her sh
oes, jumping in the water with a glorious splash.
Max and I followed her example. It was odd to be pulling off my shoes and socks in front of two strangers, but Max didn’t seem to be bashful as he kicked off his sneakers.
We sat on the edge of the pool and dipped our feet as Emma played with her balloon dog in the water.
‘Do you live here or are you visiting?’ Max asked.
‘I’m only visiting,’ I replied. ‘I wanted to see a little of the world so I quit my job in India and started to tour.’
‘Wow,’ he responded. ‘How long will you be travelling?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I would never go home but I will have to eventually. If travelling was free, they would never see me again.’
‘They?’ Max asked.
‘My friends back in India,’ I said.
‘So, you’re not married,’ he responded.
‘No,’ I said. ‘You?’
‘Nope. Emma’s mom and I split up soon after she was born. We realized we were better friends than spouses.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said automatically.
‘No, no. It’s good for us. Of course, I don’t see Emma as much as I would want, but the times we do have are precious. I cherish every second I have with her. So, there is nobody special you left behind?’
I thought of Meera. ‘Yes, sort of,’ I said, stretching my legs out and swirling my feet in the cool water. ‘She’s more like a friend, though.’
‘But…’ he pressed.
I shrugged. ‘But there could be more,’ I admitted. It felt good to finally admit that to someone, even if he was a complete stranger.
‘Will she be there when you return, do you think?’
I sighed as I thought about it. ‘I hope so.’
He reached over and patted me on the shoulder. ‘Then, my friend, you might not want to take too much time to go back.’
16
