by Kate Morris
They separate, and Sam follows Cory to the rooms that have been appointed to the McClane family while they stay at Knox.
“You guys stay here,” Cory says to them. “Hardy and I are gonna go do some snooping.”
“I can go, too,” Simon offers.
“No, stay with Melora and Sam,” Cory orders and gets a nod. “I don’t trust this shit. Something’s fishy.”
“Yeah, and Parker was acting strangely when we ran into him,” Sam tells him.
“Strange like how?” Hardy asks.
“When we ran into him, Parker was just as shocked to see us. He’d stumbled on his words at first but had finally explained his reason for being in the area. I don’t know. It was strange. Almost like we’d caught him in the act. And he said someone tipped them off, not that it was a hunch. You know, how little kids behave when they’re being bad and get caught? That’s how he was acting,” Sam explains and then feels silly. “Sorry. I’m probably just tired.”
“No,” Simon interjects, stopping her from saying anything else. “I got the same feeling. He was definitely flustered, Cor.”
“Got it,” Cory says with a firm nod. Then he turns to Hardy. “Ready? Looks like we have a target to watch now.”
They leave, and Sam follows Melora and Simon into the small apartment. The general has had apartments set up for the McClane family that no other people stay in. Each of the three apartments contains a kitchenette, a small, four-person dining table and chairs, a common room with a sofa or stuffed chairs- probably whatever they could find for furnishings- and two bedrooms that contain two twin beds in each. They also contain small, wood-burning stoves, and someone has already seen to lighting theirs as the apartment is warm.
“I’m hitting the hay,” Melora announces before going into one of the bedrooms and shutting the door, letting it slam after her.
“Oh, um…” Simon stammers. “Guess she’s claiming that room for herself and her brother.”
“Apparently,” Sam agrees. “They’re just probably used to staying in the same room.”
“Right,” he says nervously. “I’ll just…I’ll sleep on the sofa.”
“I’ll get you some bedding,” she volunteers and goes into the second bedroom where she slings her pack onto the bed closest to the window. Then she removes her toiletries bag and places it on the table near the window. In the closet, she finds extra pillows and blankets and takes an armload to the living room where Simon is looking out the window with binoculars. “Hey, you and Cory could have the bedroom. I’ll sleep there. That makes more sense.”
“No way,” he retorts quickly. “Besides, I probably won’t sleep much. I’m responsible for you and Melora until they come back.”
“I’m responsible for me,” she corrects angrily. “You’re not responsible for me. And don’t start thinking that you are.”
“Sorry,” he apologizes and lowers his own pack onto the sofa and the binoculars, as well. He has already discarded his jacket and black stocking hat. His auburn hair is mussed and unkempt, which would probably upset Simon to know. “Of course, you are. But I’ll be here just the same. In case you need me.”
“I don’t,” she blurts and shoves the pile of linens into his arms. Sam turns on her heel to leave in a huff but is stopped by his voice.
“Sam, wait,” he says and closes the gap between them, having discarded the linens on the sofa. “Please, wait.”
She doesn’t turn to face him, but she does stop walking. He steps closer, so close she can almost feel the heat of him against her back.
“I…I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to talk back at the farm,” he says.
Sam interrupts him by saying, “I’m not. There’s nothing I wish to discuss with you, Simon.”
“But the night of Paige and Cory’s wedding, I was trying to tell you something really important, and we kept getting interrupted by people.”
“You don’t have anything to tell me that I want to hear.”
He takes a deep breath and steps around her, which also blocks the door to the bedroom. “I think you do. I’m sorry that I have to talk to you here. This is certainly not an opportune time, either.”
“No, the middle of the night is not great timing.”
He swallows hard and says, “We may not get another chance.”
“Maybe that’s for the best.”
“It’s never for the best to leave things on the table, words unspoken that need said.”
“Maybe sometimes it is a good thing.”
He tips his head slightly to the side and asks, “Are you just being argumentative?”
“Yes, I have nothing better to do with my time. Like sleep!” she whispers fiercely, fearing she’ll awaken Melora, whose light is already switched off.
“Have you thought about what I told you that night?” he asks, ignoring her jabs.
“No,” she lies. Of course, she’s thought about it, about him. It’s pretty much the only thing she’s had to do for the last few weeks. Her uncle was gone, her McClane family was on their own farm, and she was moping around Dave’s compound not knowing what to think or do about the information he dumped on her that night.
His eyes lower for a second, which makes Sam feel bad. Not bad enough to correct her falsehood.
Then his eyes rise to meet hers again, “I have. I’m glad that I told you, Samantha. I need you to understand so much more, though. Why I could never tell you before how I felt about you.”
“I don’t want to hear this, Simon!” she nearly yells.
“Hey! Keep it down out there, you two,” Melora calls from her bedroom.
Sam hurriedly ushers him into her room and softly closes the door. “There. Now, say what you need to say so that I can go to bed.”
Simon glances at the bed with a strange expression on his face and then looks back at her.
“Well?” she asks impatiently. “I’m waiting.”
“Don’t be so impudent,” he chastises. “It’s not you.”
Sam glares. “Don’t tell me how to behave, Simon. That is you!”
He doesn’t answer but strolls almost casually to her bed where the pack is resting, then on to the toiletry case on the table and absentmindedly peeks inside the open zipper. Sam rushes over and closes it to keep him on track.
“Do you have any sort of agreement with Henry?” he asks, confusing her.
“What do you mean? Like what kind of an agreement? An agreement to live on his farm? No, I never signed anything. Henry isn’t like that. He’s a good man…”
“An offer of marriage or something less binding like living together?”
“What are you talking about? Are you asking me my relationship status with Henry? That’s none of your business, Simon.”
“It is, though,” he answers. “I need to know if you’re in love with him. We didn’t get to finish our discussion that night.”
“I refuse to have this discussion,” Sam states firmly.
He leans his back against the wall as if he has nowhere else to be. She’d like to throw him out of her room and lock the door to prevent re-entry.
“Has he proposed?” he asks again in a different way this time.
She doesn’t answer but squints her eyes meanly in the hopes that he’ll move on or leave.
“Fine, you don’t have to tell me,” he says and pushes away from the wall to walk toward her. Sam actually takes a step back. Simon comes within inches of her. “I hope he hasn’t asked and you haven’t said yes. That would…that would be devastating, but I would also respect your decision.”
Sam holds her ground and sticks out her chin just slightly to let him know she won’t budge on this violation of her privacy. Simon nods and reaches out to touch the side of her arm. She tries not to flinch. Being this close in proximity to him is a mistake.
“I’m sorry I never told you before how I felt about you,” he starts and sighs. “That was wrong of me. I just…I just felt like I was protecting you.”
“
Protecting me from what?”
“Me,” he answers directly.
This is even more confusing than their usual conversations, which also perplex her.
“I don’t understand,” she admits.
Simon swallows hard and frowns at the same time as if what he is about to tell her is leaving a bad taste in his mouth. “I was trying to protect you from me. I didn’t want to have those kinds of feelings about you. I felt like it was wrong. I didn’t want to be like…like them.”
“Who?” she questions and looks up at his expression of pain. “Oh, them.” She understands that he means his aunt’s group, the men who were monsters, who were evil, the cousin who was more demon than a human being.
Simon nods, his frown deepening. “I didn’t want you to look at me like I was some sort of beast for feeling like that about you or acting like them. I never wanted that. It would’ve killed me having you think of me like that.”
“I would never…”
“I know,” he says softly and takes her hand in his between them. “I understand that now. I’m coming to terms with a lot of what happened with us. I know I was powerless back then to stop it all from happening, but my brain couldn’t reconcile that. I blamed myself.”
“I know,” she interjects. “You didn’t need to. I never blamed you for any of that happening to us.”
“Not us. It happened to you. Just you.”
“No, that’s wrong, Simon,” she says and has to resist the overwhelming urge to hug him and make him feel better. “It happened to you, too. You tried to protect me, remember? They beat you for it. You were just as abused.”
“Not like you were, and I felt like less of a person because I allowed it to happen, less of a man.”
This is painful to hear. Sam lifts her chin a notch to keep
from tearing up. “You weren’t. You aren’t.”
“I am trying to accept that,” he states with a sardonic partial smile. “It’s not easy, but I’m trying.”
“Simon,” she breaks in on a soft sigh, “we were just kids.”
He nods but winces. “I just wanted to protect you from them, and I failed.”
“But you didn’t.”
“I did, but I’m also trying to find some way of forgiving myself for that, as well.”
“I don’t know why you’d feel that way, though. I don’t hold you in contempt for not protecting me. You tried. You did everything you could. I would forgive you, but there’s nothing to forgive.”
“I never allowed myself to have feelings for you because I felt like it would make me as bad as them, that I didn’t deserve you, and I felt disgusting for even thinking like that about you,” he further explains, shocking Sam.
“Wow,” she says on a long, drawn breath and a slow exhale. “Simon, I had no idea you felt any of that. It’s so ridiculous. And here I thought it was me.”
“You?” he asks with confusion on his face. “How could it have been you?”
“Because…” she starts but cannot bring herself to finish. What she means is too painful to admit aloud.
“It’s not,” he corrects with a new frown as if he knows what she wants to say. “It’s not you at all. You are perfect in every possible, every conceivable way. It could never be because of you. It was all me, Sam. I saw myself lusting after you and having feelings that weren’t at all brotherly toward you, and all I could think was that I failed you and I was no better than Bobby.”
She tries not to cringe at his name, but it doesn’t work. It also causes Simon pain when he notices her reaction, which makes Sam feel guilty.
“You’re nothing like…” she starts but pauses, not able to say his name. “Like…him. He was purely evil, nothing good or redeemable about him. But you aren’t like him at all, Simon.”
“I know,” he says quietly. “I’ve been talking to Reagan a little bit about all this. She says I need to learn to forgive myself. I’m trying. Maybe a small part of me will never fully find absolution in this situation, but I’m trying.”
“Good,” she says and runs her thumb over the back of his hand. “You should, Simon.”
“But I don’t want to feel guilty about having feelings for you anymore, either, Sam,” he says more firmly.
This catches her attention, and Sam looks up at him again.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you,” he explains. “I never meant to hurt you. I’m pretty sure I did, too.”
Sam looks at her feet quickly, but he captures her chin and forces her to make eye contact.
“I’m sorry,” he says softly and strokes her chin. “You mean more to me than anyone in this world. I’d never hurt you, not intentionally. That was the exact opposite of what I intended. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping my distance, keeping you at arm’s length. I was trying to protect you.”
“How did you think you were protecting me by pushing me away all the time and making me feel like a complete idiot?”
This time, Sam doesn’t care if she’s hurt his feelings by the reaction in the narrowing of his eyes. Being rejected by Simon time and again hurt, too.
“I didn’t feel like I could control myself around you, so I just pushed you away. It was the only logical thing I could think to do.”
Sam snorts and jerks back. Then she walks over toward the windows. “Logic. Sensibility. Responsibility. These aren’t feelings, Simon. You rejected me.”
“I just didn’t feel like I could ever deserve your affection, that I didn’t deserve you.”
“Why?”
Simon joins her near the window and leans his shoulder against the casement. “Because I failed you, Sam. On every possible level, in every way conceivable, I failed you.”
She can’t understand how he came to that conclusion, though. He didn’t fail her. He tried numerous times to save her. They were so young. He didn’t have experience in fighting, not like he does today.
“We were just kids, Simon,” she allows, to which he nods and sniffs as if to ward off further emotion. “Maybe when two people go through something like we did, it just changes you. Maybe it would never work out. It hasn’t so far.”
He vigorously shakes his head and steps closer again. “No, Sam. That’s wrong. I was wrong. What I felt for you wasn’t a terrible thing. It wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t sick and twisted like them. It was real. It is real. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with it, but I have. My feelings came from a place that wasn’t rooted in evil. I genuinely care about you. I’d never hurt you, not on purpose, not physically or emotionally. The damage I’ve done, the ways I’ve already hurt you? That’s all on me. I have a lot to atone for.”
Sam draws in a deep breath and holds it. A second later before Simon is able to say anything more, the bedroom door opens and in walks Cory.
“Out!” Simon blares, to which Cory looks startled, holds up both hands in supplication and backs out of the room again closing the door after. Simon looks back down at her and apologizes. “Sorry. It’s just that every damn time I try to talk to you, someone interrupts us.”
She chuckles. “See? Maybe it just isn’t meant to be.”
“No, that’s not it at all. We just have way too big of a family.”
This makes her laugh harder. He smiles broadly, the white of his teeth a stark contrast against his dark clothing and the atmosphere of the dimly lit room.
“Just think about it, ok? That’s all I’m asking. Don’t accept Henry. Not yet. Just give me a chance to show you I’m worthy of whatever you have to offer. I don’t know how you feel about me anymore, but I’d like just to start over. You used to have feelings for me, and I understand if you don’t now. I just want you to give me a chance to prove it to you that I’m telling the truth.”
“I don’t know what you expect of me,” she admits with a shrug.
“Nothing, just more time to prove it to you that I care about you,” he says, looking more like a hopeful little boy than an adult man trained to kill. “I love you, Sam. I have sinc
e the first moment I saw you. It’s never going to change. Trust me. I’ve tried everything to suppress those feelings. They’re not going away. Just give me some time to prove it.”
The door opens again, and this time Simon looks like he’d like to murder his best friend.
“Sorry, bro,” Cory apologizes. “We need to talk. More shit’s happened.”
“Oh, no,” Sam cries. “Anything bad?”
“Nah, just get some sleep, little sister,” he answers. “The Professor and I can handle it.”
Sam nods as Cory retreats again. She can see Hardy in the other room. They are spreading out what looks like a map on the coffee table.
“Sam,” Simon whispers and turns her chin to face him again.
Before she can stop it from happening, Simon bends down and presses a quick kiss to her closed mouth. Then he grins and leaves. Damn him.
It is only then that she realizes the door is wide open and Cory or Hardy could’ve seen. This is all getting too confusing and complicated. Just when she thought her feelings for Simon were sealed off in that dark chamber of her heart for good, he goes and opens that partially healed wound right back up again. She’ll never sleep tonight now.
Chapter Ten
Paige
She hasn’t heard from Cory all day. Last night, he’d called in to say that they’d arrived safely at Fort Knox and had run into Parker, who was also now at the fort with them. Her husband has news but will tell them when they arrive later tonight. Paige wishes she’d gone, too. Being separated is so difficult.
“Hey, you’re going to cut off your finger,” Sue warns.
Paige startles out of her reverie and pays closer attention to cutting vegetables for the soup Hannah is preparing for dinner tonight. Cory also told them that they got about five or so inches of snow up there. She’s glad only half that fell on the farm.
“Sorry,” she says to Sue. “Thanks. I was just…”
“Worrying,” Sue finishes for her. “Yeah, we all do a lot of that around here.”
“I think I should’ve gone with them,” she admits.
“You’re needed here,” her friend states. “If something happens, we would need all the help we could get.”
