by Diana Gardin
My eyes snap back to Axel’s when I realize he’s been speaking to me while I zoned out about the color of his brother’s eyes. Giving myself a strong mental kick, I paste on the smile I’ve learned to use since waking up from the coma. It’s easy and friendly, not inviting anyone closer, but making sure they don’t worry about me, or think I’m a complete psycho. Brantley calls it the “fake-it-till-you-make-it” smile.
“Oh, really? I was happy to help. And now that I’ve been running with him, I see why he needed to be doing it again. He’s a natural.” I glance at Flash, only to find that his gaze, which I can imagine is intent behind his glasses, is on me.
He tilts his head, the way he does sometimes when he’s listening to someone speak, and his mouth kicks up on one side in his devastating half-smile that brings a genuine one to my lips every time I see it.
Tonight seems different, somehow. I’ve never been anywhere other than in the studio or at the park when I see Flash. Here, in his home, and in such a relaxed and casual setting, I’m seeing him in a different light. And that smile, instead of making me grin, is now causing an alarming flutter of butterflies in my belly.
Hunger. I need food. And also, a beer. Stat.
The doorbell rings, and everyone in the kitchen freezes. Axel lifts an eyebrow at Flash, who hasn’t looked away from me.
“Trick-Or-Treaters are here,” Axel muses as he grabs a bowl off the counter, overflowing with candy. “I got this. Want to help me name costumes, Brantley?”
His offer is casual, but Brantley straightens, interest written all over her face. I’d chuckle if it weren’t so damn inconvenient. Of course she’s going to fall for Flash’s brother. Because that would just put me in Flash’s proximity even more often, and even this one little visit outside of our norm has me reeling.
Flash and I stand in silence as we hear Axel pull the door open. He and Brantley’s exclamations over the undoubtedly adorable costume display before them make my legs tremble.
I can’t do this. I should be at home…hiding from these emotions. Why did I come out tonight?
I swallow, closing my eyes as my knees knock together. My breathing increases and grows shallow, and I can feel the panic washing over me; an inescapable tidal wave of dread. Terror almost consumes me. I can’t do this...not here.
Not now.
Sounding much further away than they should, I hear more excited exultations and I know that more kids, dressed in cute costumes, are probably arriving on Flash’s front porch.
Kids who’re probably the same age as my Danté. Images of a tiny little Charlie Brown costume and an even cuter little blond boy smiling as he accepts handfuls of candy flip through my head.
Nausea rolls through me. Oh, God.
“Breathe, Arden.”
I hear his words, low and steady, a split second before his big hand wraps around the back of my neck. Flash’s forehead rests gently against mine, as his other hand covers my own.
“Come on, sweetheart. You can do this. Whatever this is, you’re strong enough to fight it. Breathe.”
His words are barely louder than a whisper, the normally smooth timbre of his voice rough.
I gasp for breath. “I—Flash, I need my pills.”
He shakes his head, and his voice is firm. “No. You can do this without them this time, Bunny. I know you can. Breathe with me.”
This is the point in a panic attack where I can’t see anything other than the memories, can’t wade through the agony of the losses I’ve endured. But right now, surrounded by all things Flash, the panic is slowly pushed away. I realize it when I attempt to match his breathing, and it works.
It’s his hands, one wrapped around my neck and his fingers intertwined with mine on the other. It’s his breath, brushing lightly across my face as he demonstrates the suddenly complicated art of breathing. It’s his voice, as it chases away the pain holding my heart in its vise grip.
His grasp on my nape loosens as I keep my eyes glued to his face, and the aroma of him fills my nose. Spice mixed with ocean, and just a hint of wind. That’s Flash’s scent, and I know I’ll never associate it with anything other than safety from this moment on.
“That’s my girl,” he whispers, his breaths mingling with mine.
The front door slams shut, and I hear both Brantley and Axel chuckling as they head back toward the great room. Flash doesn’t seem in any sort of hurry to let go of me, and there’s a twinge of regret as I step away from him.
“Thank you,” I whisper before turning to face the bar.
As soon as she enters the room, Brantley’s beside me, whispering in my ear. “You okay?”
Nodding, I think back to seconds ago, when I was trapped in Flash’s grip. I needed him in that moment, and he was there for me.
This is just the beginning. Next week…I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. And then the holidays…
Almost like he can hear my thoughts, Flash cuts off Axel as he starts talking about the kids and their costumes.
“How about we break into that beer you girls brought?”
I nod, grateful. “I could use a beer. We brought the new October ale from the brewery here in Savannah. That okay with you guys?”
Axel laughs, lifting a thick brow. His hair is the same color as Flash’s, but he’s let his grow out longer. “We’re guys. And it’s beer. I think we’re good with it.”
Brantley and I exchange an eye roll, and we all dive into the food and fix plates. Just like that, everything is normal again.
I glance at Flash as we all settle into comfortable spots in the living room with our plates and our beers, and I find myself wondering.
When I agreed to help him with his running, I did it because I thought I was helping him. As reluctant as I was to get involved with anyone’s life, or get to know anyone new, the prospect of helping someone who needed it was appealing at the time.
Now, as I gaze at him sitting on his couch, with Nitro at his feet and his brother by his side, I wonder when, exactly, that turned around. When did Flash start helping me?
10
Flash
Damn, I wish I was alone with her.
It’s not the first time tonight that I’ve had the thought, but it’s the first time I’ve been sitting beside her, surrounded by her fresh peach scent, and her silence and her pain.
That moment with her in the kitchen at the start of the night? That moment shook something up inside me. The whole time I’ve known Arden, I’ve looked at her as someone whose pain matches my own. Tonight, it’s like I had a front row seat for the viewing of the darkness in her heart. And now I know that the pain that’s slowly ripping her to shreds is stronger than mine.
I thought that the fact that we’re both fucked up emotionally would tear us apart if we spent time together. But tonight, I realized that if someone doesn’t pull Arden back into the here and now, away from the blackness trying to drag her down, she might drown in it. I can see that Brantley’s trying. She’s a good friend and she loves Arden, but whatever she’s doing isn’t working.
Arden’s one panic attack away from total despair, and if there’s anyone who understands despair, it’s me. There’s a reason our paths crossed, and it’s time for me to admit that this might be it.
I might be able to save this woman. Just like she unknowingly saves me every time I meet her in the park. Every time she treats me like a man, instead of like a blind man. Every time she gives me her time, her laughter, and her truth.
Ignoring the voice in my head that tells me my motivation isn’t altogether altruistic, that my thoughts aren’t totally pure when it comes to Arden Fontaine, I turn to face her.
At some point during the movie and dinner, maybe two beers in, Axel went to sit beside Brantley. I still can’t decide if I want to slap my brother on the back in congratulations, or if I want to strangle him because tonight wasn’t supposed to be about him. Either way, he’s put me in closer proximity to Arden, and I can’t be pissed about that.<
br />
I can hear her as she swallows a sip of her beer and her sigh as she sits back on the couch cushion. Her voice is low when she speaks. “I can’t even believe how those two have hit it off, can you?”
I know she’s talking about Brantley and Axel, and I offer her an apologetic smile. “I’m sure that’s not what you were expecting to happen when you came over here tonight. My brother to start hitting on your best friend.”
Her soft laugh churns up something inside my chest. Because it’s real, and her laughs are a rare gift. I appreciate it every time it’s given. “I don’t even think he’s been hitting on her. It’s just like they have this weird connection that’s totally mutual. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
A thought occurs to me, and a spark of worry for Axel hits me. “Brantley’s not dating anybody, is she?”
Arden murmurs in the negative. “She’s been single for awhile now…never really dates anyone seriously. She’s kind of a free spirit, my Brantley.”
As if on cue, Brantley giggles, and I turn my head toward the sound. Arden sighs again, and I nudge her with my arm. “Hey, do you want to go out on the back porch?”
I can hear the grateful smile in her voice. “Gladly.”
Standing, I hold out my arm for her. She wraps a tentative hand around my bicep, and I grip Nitro’s harness with the other hand.
“C’mon, Nitro. Let’s go outside.”
Nitro leads both me and Arden out onto the back screened-in patio, and I slide the big glass door closed behind us. I gesture toward the two loungers I know sit across the stone from the door, and Arden and I both sink down into our own seats.
“This is really nice, Flash,” she muses quietly. “I love your house. It’s so different from mine, and sometimes…sometimes, my house is more like a prison for me. Yours feels so comfortable and…” She trails off, like she’s said too much.
I’m not letting her get away that easily, so I finish her sentence for her. “Safe?”
Silence from Arden, but I know I’ve hit a bull’s eye.
“You are safe with me, Arden. I’m not sure what happened earlier, or what makes you have those attacks, but whenever you’re ready to tell me, I’ll be here. I might not have been through exactly what you have, but I bet I can understand it better than anyone else you know.”
“I know I thanked you earlier…but I don’t think you understand what you did for me. No one’s ever…pulled me out of it like that before. I didn’t know it was possible to get through it without the pills.” Her voice, soft and gentle and filled with torment, slices through me. My spirit reacts to her, drawing closer to hers with every second I’m near her.
“Anytime, sweetheart. I’m here for you any damn time.”
We sit in comfortable silence until Arden shifts in her seat. It’s gotten chillier outside since the night started; I figure she must be cold.
“Come here.” I can’t keep the command out of my tone. “You’re cold.”
“No, I’m fine,” she protests, but I can hear her teeth click together even as she says it.
“Come here, Bunny. I won’t bite you until you ask me to.”
She sucks in a breath, and I smile to reassure her. “I just don’t want you to be cold.”
Grabbing a blanket from the storage chest beside my chair, I stretch it out on my lap and pat my legs. After another second of hesitation, Arden gets up from her chair and comes to mine. Spreading my legs wide, I pull her down between them and then pull the blanket on top of her, effectively covering us both.
“Better?” I ask near her ear, as her long hair tickles my nose. Pushing it to one side and letting it fall over her shoulder, I take a second to inhale her sweet scent. Peaches, definitely.
She’s stiff at first, but after a moment, she settles back against my chest, melting back into me. I send silent thanks up to the heavens that I didn’t just send her running for the hills.
“Better.”
She’s soft and warm against me, and it feels so damn good it’s scary. “Did you grow up in Savannah, Arden?”
Her voice rises up into the stars when she answers, and it’s the first time since the accident I’ve sat out here and haven’t been focused on the fact that I can’t see them.
I’m only focused on her.
“I’m from Florida, and my parents still live there. Brantley and I decided a long time ago, when we were still in high school, that one day we’d live in Savannah. We came on vacation back then, and we both fell in love with it. I went to college here, and never looked back.”
I nod, the silk of her hair rubbing against my chin. “And how long ago did you graduate from college?”
“I’m twenty-seven. I graduated about five years ago. With a B.F.A. in Art.”
There’s a thoughtful tone to her voice that wasn’t there before as she answers my questions. There’s also a hint of cautiousness, which I’ve decided comes from fear. She doesn’t like to give away too much, and it stems from whatever she went though. She doesn’t want to hit on a subject that will bring it up, and I get it. I’m done waiting for her to open up, though. I’m going to have to push her a little, and I’m starting tonight.
If I have to remove that big-ass wall she’s built, one fucking brick at a time, I’ll do it. At this point in my life, I’ve got nothing but time.
She shifts against me, and I bite back a groan as my body responds to her closeness. To the way she feels backed up against me. I ball my hands into fists on the seat, to stop them from touching her. From pulling her closer. From finding the sweet spots all along her body I’ll never be able to see, but that I damn sure want to feel.
“What about you? How long were you in the service?” She’s sweet and hesitant, like she’s not sure if I’ll want to answer any of her questions.
“I went into the Air Force as an officer the second I graduated from college. That was eight years ago, when I was twenty-two.” My voice is matter-of-fact, even though my heartbeat starts to race at the thought of what she’s going to ask next.
“And…your eyesight?” Her voice drops to barely above a whisper. “Did it happen while you were serving?”
I take a deep breath, trying to keep the emotion and rage out of my voice when I answer. The last thing Arden needs to deal with is my anger, and I can’t handle the thought of scaring her away now.
Swallowing, I let a lock of her hair slide though my fingers. The motion and feel of silk against my skin calms me. “It happened stateside, in a motorcycle accident. Here at home. Couldn’t believe I’d served for eight years, and done two tours in Afghanistan, only for one stupid moment to change everything, back home. Where it’s supposed to be safe.”
“Oh, Flash…” The emotion in her voice isn’t pity. It’s empathy, and the relief that flows through me at the fact that she’s not feeling sorry for me, just feeling sorry about the situation, is mind-blowing. “Life’s such a bitch sometimes. A cold, cruel bitch.”
“Ain’t she, though?” I agree. “But all we can do is pick up the pieces of the shit she breaks and keep on going.”
She’s quiet again, but I don’t let go of her hair.
When she speaks again, her question lights a fire under me. “What happens if we can’t?”
If I wasn’t sure before that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, and this is exactly when I’m supposed to be here, I am now. And a little voice in the back of my head, the one I don’t always listen to, especially when it’s right, tells me that if I had never lost my eyesight, I wouldn’t be in a position to help her now.
“Failure is not an option, Bunny,” I tell her firmly. “We can, and we will. And any time you think you can’t, you need to remember that now you have me. And we can do it together.”
She takes a deep breath, one that makes her whole body shudder. “Why are you doing this, Flash? Why are you being so nice to me? You don’t have to do this…help me this way. I’m managing just fine on my own.”
My hand stills, her hair
falling from my fingers. “We all need a little help sometimes, sweetheart. Axel does it for me, Brantley’s there for you. But I have a feeling that you and I are going to understand each other a little bit better than either one of them can. And I think you have that same feeling.”
She nods slowly against my shoulder. “So, what? We’re not just running partners anymore? Now we’re…friends?”
“I can be a damn good friend. How about you?”
“Yeah. People have said that I’m the best friend ever.” The smile is back in her voice, and the tension I’ve been holding in my body finally seeps out.
“Ever? Seems hard to believe. There’s a lot that goes into being the best friend ever.”
She sits up, turning against my body, and I know she’s looking at me. I can almost feel her gaze just as surely as if I could see it. “Excuse me…you don’t think I can be the best friend ever?”
I pretend to think about it. Then I shake my head. “Doesn’t seem like it’s in your skillset.”
She gasps. “I have all the skills!”
Choking down a laugh, I keep my face deadpan. “Best friends always share the food on their plate.”
“I can do that,” she assures me.
“And best friends always drink together. They never let the other one drink alone.”
“Please. Easy as pie,” she scoffs.
I reach out, tapping the end of her nose with my index finger. “The last one is the most important one. Best friends lean on each other. No matter what time of night it is. No matter how much they don’t want to bother the other person. They count on each other. They trust each other.”
She doesn’t speak, and for just a second, I think that maybe I’ve pushed her too far.
And then she answers me. Her hand finds mine, and she squeezes it gently. She might as well have reached inside my chest and wrapped a hand around my heart. “Deal.”
I don’t let go of her hand until half an hour later, when Brantley and Axel come to find us.
And I don’t stop thinking about her until much longer after that, even after she’s gone.
