by Tina Maurine
“So what, Sammie?” My patience, already thin since I had landed on my ass not even two seconds after waking, snapped like a twig.
“You know… What happened between you and Noah?”
I sighed. Not even a sip of coffee or an aspirin to take the edge off. “There really isn’t much to tell. We’ve decided, in spite of our connection and budding feelings for each other, that he has a prospective wife and a child with her, so that’s what he needs to explore—not something new with me.”
“Holy Shit?! You don’t say? I knew something about it from what Dirk told me, but sorta figured that everything was ok because of how you guys are around each other.”
“Yeah, well… maybe that’s how it would’ve turned out if it were meant to be. Hey, I’m kind of done with all this. It was a really rough night, very emotionally charged, and in spite of all the rest I made up by sleeping in, I’m still beat. I just really want a shower and a good cup of coffee.”
“Oh no… you don’t get off that easily. What did he say?”
“Sam, he said he wanted to be with another woman—not even seconds after he made me wet with a passionate kiss.”
“Fuck. That’s not cool.”
“No. It isn’t. Oh, and get this—before he told me he wanted to explore a future with Vi, he told me that his little sister was kidnapped.”
“Shit! No fuckin’ way.” Sammie’s slack-jawed appearance must have resembled mine when Noah told me last night. “Is that why her name is on his chest?”
“Yeah, it is. After she was kidnapped, his mom lost it and his dad left,” my voice waivered as tears slipped out of my eyes. “Sorry, it’s been a really emotional night.”
“I bet,” she sounded shocked and reached to put an arm around me.
“Sam, it sounded terrible the way him mom treated him… she blamed him for letting it happen. It sounded like she closed off into a shell of herself, withholding her love and slinging verbal and psychological poison at him until he moved out at sixteen.”
“Oh. My. God,” her voice left no question about her feeling sorry for Noah. “I’d have never guessed that. I mean, sure I could see that something somewhere in his past probably made him a womanizer, but I’d never have thought that the reasons ran so deep.”
“Right? He moved out, Sam, into his backyard shed of all places… and then it got really bad.”
“Jeezus, how much worse could it get?”
“Well, the way he told it he started looking for love in all the wrong places and with pretty much everyone—girls from school, soccer moms, friend’s moms, pretty much any woman he met on the street.”
“It breaks my heart.” Sammie sat on my bed with her knees drawn up, gently rocking. She reached up to swipe a tear from her cheek. “So, now that he’s found you, a real chance for something good, I don’t get why he’s running.”
“I don’t know either. Maybe it’s his M.O., or maybe it’s always been about Vi for him?” My voice shook, and she leaned over and pulled me into a hug.
“Tessa, it’ll be alright. Things happen for unexplainable reasons. Maybe this isn’t the end like you think it is. Maybe Vi won’t want him.”
I sobbed and chuckled at the same time. “That’s not very likely—have you seen him? Better yet, have you kissed him? How about the depth I’ve seen in him after hours of just talking? How about the depth I’ve seen in him after hours of just talking? There’s so much about him that is amazing, I cannot bring myself to believe I’ve lost him as soon as I’ve found him.”
“Tessa, you didn’t lose him. You never had him to begin with.”
I looked up at her through teary eyes and just shook my head. She’s right. Two days and a night three years ago does not a future make.
“Come on, girly,” Sam said, getting up and pulling me to my feet. Once I had my boots on, she wrapped her arm around my waist and gave me a tight hug from the side. “You’ve got this. Everything will work out just fine somehow. You’ll see. Now let’s go, Kari’s already inside working on breakfast. I’m sure she can hook you up with a good cup-o-brew.” She chuckled and gave me another hug as we walked side-by-side toward the bus.
20
I’d already made it into my second cup of coffee when the bus door opened and in stepped Dirk with Noah. I discreetly glanced at my watch and realized that, based on what Sammie had said, they’d been gone for over four hours.
“Good morning.” I smiled at Dirk, my smile broadened as I directed it toward Noah. I noticed how tired Noah looked. He had deep lines etched into his forehead that hadn’t been there yesterday, and dark circles were forming under his eyes. He looked every bit his age… this weekend had been rough on him.
“Morning, ladies,” they simultaneously replied, and everyone laughed.
Thank God, today looks like it’s going to be easy. It’s just what I need. NO MORE DRAMA. I unconsciously released the breath I’d been holding in a liberating sigh.
Thanks to Kari, there were sage sausage patties, hash browns and fresh fruit for breakfast. In an attempt to be on the same schedule as Dax, who wanted to get an early start, Sammie, Kari and I had already showered and dressed. This was a complete turn-around from yesterday, when it had taken us more than two hours longer just to be ready by noon.
I felt a weird tension in the room; an uncomfortable vibe I couldn’t really put my finger on. It may have been because Sammie and Dirk had finally done the deed, or because of Kari’s nerves about taking a week off and leaving today with Dax. I’m sure I was contributing to the whole peculiar vibe myself by how strange Noah’s and my evening had gone, especially since he’d been gone when I’d awakened. I had been nervous at first, not knowing if he was okay, but Sammie had said that he and Dirk had taken off around 0500 for a walk.
Dirk spoke first. “So, what’s the plan? Looks like everyone knows ‘cept Noah and me.”
“Well, nothing definite has been decided yet,” Kari offered, turning around from the sink where she was cleaning up the breakfast pots and pans, “but Dax was telling me he wanted to get camp packed up, so we could roll out of here no later than 1000.”
“That’s right, Suga.” Dax emerged from the hallway, silver hair styled in a mussed do and wearing an expensive pair of jeans and what looked like an angora/wool sweater in greys and blue. They sold that type of sweater all over Iceland. He looked stunning with a pair of dark blue rimmed glasses that set off the color of his blue eyes. “I was thinkin’ y’all could head back to base and my woman and I could get some miles in today before we needed to pull over for camp.”
I let my mind wander for just the briefest second to imagine when he and Kari got it on, how good of a lover he’d be. He just looked like he knew what to do. It made me a little envious that I did already know what Noah was capable of and couldn’t take full advantage of him.
Fucking Vi.
“Jeezus, Tess! Where are you?” Sammie’s voice snapped me back from my perverted contemplation.
“Right here. What’s up?”
“I wanted to know what you wanted on your plate, that’s all.” She sounded a little more put out that she should have.
“Just fruit, I think. Not really in the mood to eat, but thanks.”
“Tessa, can we talk?”
I looked at Noah, and he gave me a shamefaced look.
“Hah! Well, I guess I can’t use the excuse that I want to eat first, now can I?” I glanced over at him as I felt an emotionless mask fit itself firmly on my face. I turned when he walked past me and followed him to the stairs that led to Dax and Kari’s bedroom. I paused out of sight and within earshot, hoping to hear what the gang was saying about us. Maybe I can find out what Dirk and Noah talked about for over four hours this morning.
“Wow! What in the hell is going on with them?” Kari posed the question quietly to the gang in the kitchen.
Dax also voiced his confusion. “Yeah, I thought they’d end up mated by the end of this weekend.”
“Dirk, what�
�s going on?” Sammie inquired, knowing he had the answers they were searching for.
“It’s really not my place. What I can say is they’re crazy, and I mean crazy, about each other, but the universe is doing its best to keep them apart.” I heard someone walking and plates being placed on the table. I could only assume it was Dax.
“Thanks. So, what you’re saying is they’re star-crossed lovers?” Sammie said in an ‘oh that makes all the sense in the world’ voice.
“Yeah, basically. They really see themselves together, but there are some loose ends Noah needs to tie up—and they may permanently keep him tied up, if you know what I mean.”
“I don’t, but I’m sure I’ll get the 411 from Tessa soon enough.”
“Well, I can tell y’all this; if they’re that crazy about one another, then they’ll make it work. Look at the lengths Kari and I are goin’ through so that we can see each other after I leave here.”
Sammie started a much lighter conversation revolving around possible plans Kari and Dax might be up to for the week.
He’s crazy about me? He told Dax we were crazy about each other and that we were star-crossed lovers? So, wait, he said he felt the same way about me that I felt about him? Why didn’t he just tell me instead of making it sound like I’d been nothing but a distraction to get his mind of Vi? Fuck! How did all of this shit get so fucked up? I just shook my head as I climbed the stairs, glad I’d eavesdropped, but now more confused than ever.
At the top, I paused, taking note that the bed had been freshly fucked in. I grabbed the comforter off the floor and straightened it over the bed, taking a seat as I watched Noah. He stood at the far side of the small master suite with his back to me, looking out the window. I turned away, contemplating how uncomfortable I felt, up here with Noah and with this whole mess.
This is so out of control! How did it get this bad?
How can I remember him, and he NOT remember me? Didn’t that night at Wazzu mean anything to him? I KNOW he knew what he took from me…
How could this weekend and all of the conversations we’ve had mean nothing? I know it can’t just be me who feels the electricity between us when we kiss or touch? Hell, I can feel when he walks into room!
This is so, SO fucked up. I’ve had it!
I deserve to be having fun like everyone else…
In the midst of my own little personal pity party in my head, I didn’t notice at first that Noah had walked around the edge of the bed. I looked up to see him kneel down before me.
He placed his hands delicately on my knees and cleared his throat. “Thanks for following me up here. I just…” Noah’s voice wavered, and I watched as he physically crumpled—his shoulders slumped, his head hung, and he scrubbed his palms over his face. He ran his strong fingers through his thick, wavy hair before limply placing them on his lap. He was the picture of defeat. I never imagined such a self-assured and comfortably arrogant guy could come to care so deeply in such a short period of time.
I sighed. I was just, well… done. I wanted him, couldn’t have him and was fed up with the drama and emotional roller coaster.
He cleared the emotion from his throat. “I just wanted to say that I’ve really thought about everything I said last night. I told you the truth but was dishonest by not telling you everything. I’m sorry I was so disrespectful. After talking to Dirk all morning, I’ve decided to take the trip to see Pallavi and Suri. I don’t know if I can manage this quickly, but she has a modeling gig in Saint John’s next week. I plan to be there if I can get my leave approved.” He paused, waiting for me to say something.
I just sat there and looked at him, so he continued. “So, what I was thinking… we could be friends. I… I really need you. Damn, that’s hard for me to say… I don’t need anyone… but everything’s alright when I’m with you. You’re like a piece of my fucked up puzzle and I want us to be friends.”
I squared my shoulders, “You know what? You’re a piece of shit. You want me, I want you, but you’re being selfish by insisting on chasing after a dream you’ve held onto for far too many years. It’s so completely unfair for you to keep me bouncing up and down like a goddamn yo-yo. Figure out what you want! If it’s me, and I haven’t moved on, then we’ll see; but, as of now, I am truly done. I cannot take the bullshit vacillating, and the keeping me on a short leash bullshit. I really wish we’d never met. Fucking leave me alone already.”
I stormed down the stairs, past everyone in the kitchen, ignoring their stares and stormed off the bus. I. NEEDED. AIR.
21
The rest of the morning went by in a blur. I must’ve had ‘Fuck Off’ on my forehead because everyone, including Sammie, gave me lots of space. While outside I rolled all the sleeping bags and folded the fleece blankets. I deflated the mats, pretty much packing up the outside camp sites before anyone came out. Dax tested the waters first.
I watched him move with refinement; he was so much more polished than the guys who worked with me at the squadron. I figured it had to be a side-benefit of having lots of money.
“Hon? Tessa, Suga? Do we need to be worried? ‘Cause you’re out here and Noah hasn’t come downstairs yet.”
“Nope, no need to worry. I am FINE,” I said with such finality that he couldn’t have questioned it if he were inclined to do so.
When Dirk joined him outside to pack everything up in the storage compartments and remove the chocks, I went back in to help get the bus travel-ready.
“Hey guys, need my help anywhere?” I looked around and it really didn’t appear so, but I actually hoped they’d put me to work. We had a good two to two-and-a-half hour drive ahead of us. I guessed we’d traveled a little over 90 minutes from Reyk, and it took about 45 from there to get to base. I really needed to stay busy until the absolute last minute, because it was going to be hard enough having to be so close to Noah for the entire ride home.
“Yeah, you can help. Go upstairs and tidy up,” Kari challenged. She stood in the living room space with her hands on her hips.
“Oh hell no. There’s no way I am headed up there if he’s still there.”
“What the hell happened to the two of you? Even if you can’t be together, you still need to be cordial… this is affecting more than just the two of you. After all, Dirk and Noah are friends, and so are you and Sam. Not to mention your sour mood is making it terribly uncomfortable for everyone else here. For all our sakes, get your shit together and make up, or at least fucking fake it.” Kari turned to Sammie and gave her a high-five.
“One of you is going to have to swallow your pride first—may as well be you.” Sammie smiled at me, “It gives you the upper hand.”
“Goddamn it. Fine! Fuck!” I spat, as I turned on my heel and headed up the stairs. The closer I got, the more nervous I felt. I can’t really explain why, but every joint in my body grew stiff, and trudging up the stairs felt like climbing through thick oatmeal… slow and tedious.
At the top, there was a pony-wall about four feet high that kept people from falling down the stairs. I peeked around the corner and saw he wasn’t on the couch or any of the chairs, thankfully. I took a seat on the overstuffed leather couch and looked out the window to try to calm my nerves.
The late morning sun beamed in the open blinds, warming my skin. The light caught the highlights in my hair and greatly improved of the reflection I saw in the tinted window. On these rare moments, I truly saw my hair as beautiful and not just cute like I’d heard my entire life. I closed my eyes and laid the side of my head against the back of the couch. It felt so warm and soft, and I was so spent from the whirlwind of the weekend that I just let the peace consume me.
“Even now, knowing you hate me, I still find you enchanting.”
Before I heard the familiar rasp and smelled his sweet masculine spice, I felt his energy. The reminder of our connection stabbed my heart like a dagger. I opened my eyes and turned to look out the window, resting my chin on the couch.
“We’re taking off,”
Dax called up. “If there’s anything else y’all want to do outside, now’s the time.”
I let the announcement drop, like the feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Noah took my silence to mean I was good, so he answered back to Dax, “We’re ready to take off whenever you are.”
I could hear the jovial conversation downstairs and wished like hell I had the heart to participate in it, but couldn’t bring myself to let go of the resentment I’d felt since last night.
Reflected in the window, I could see Noah still standing there, looking at me. He laid his hands on his face, and I watched him scrub them up and down in an attempt to lessen his stress. This, if nothing else, showed he was frustrated, agitated and tense.
A final call came across the intercom. “Find your seats.” I felt the emergency brake release, and the luxury bus began the trip back to base.
As the vehicle swayed, Noah stood with his feet wide to keep his balance, one hand on the recliner, and the other jammed into the front pocket of his low-slung jeans. I mentally chastised myself for taking the opportunity to admire his muscular build in the window’s reflection, along with his mussed hair, and slightly too tight thermal Henley, which he’d left unbuttoned at the neck. Its graphite grey color looked great with his tan skin.
I was so tired of feeling dead. I needed my joy to return. Dear God, please help me. I sent out a silent prayer, and once I did, an incredible peace came over me. I couldn’t explain it then, but I’ve come to learn there’s power in prayer. Peace welled up within me, and with it, an almost overwhelming need came over me to make things right with Noah.
About this same time, Noah made a move toward the couch. I watched him approach in the window, catching the occasional glimpse of his ‘V’. I turned once he reached me and took him in. Barefoot and all, he was stunning, especially having had little to no sleep in close to twenty-five hours.
He motioned to the couch, and I nodded. I had my feet pulled up and easily took up half the couch. He sat with his back against the opposite arm and slid his leg along the back of the seat, tucking it in beside my hip. The other bent to a stop at the middle cushion. He reached out, pulled my feet onto his lap and began to massage them. My head dropped heavy onto the couch back, and I let him pamper me. We sat quietly this way for at least a half-hour before I broke the silence. I’d waited to say anything because I didn’t want it to go badly and saying nothing was safer.
