by Sara Allen
He smiled indulgently and reached for my hands. “I realized I don’t want to be without you.”
A nervous giggle escaped my lips. “I don’t understand what you mean.”
He stared at me for a few seconds, pinning me with eyes and a stare that I couldn’t pull away from. “Marry me, Rowanne. Make my life mean something.”
“What?” I whispered.
“Be my partner in crime,” Ash replied. “My home away from home.”
“But why?”
He chewed his lip and looked away. With that nervous gesture showing his vulnerability, I knew I would do anything he asked of me. I didn’t ever want to see this big man with that look on his face again. In those few seconds before he answered me, I knew that for as long as he needed me I would be there. I’d never be able to deny him anything even if it meant that my own wants and needs were put in second place.
“I need you, Row.” Ash glanced at our interlocked fingers and squeezed them once. “I don’t ever want to have to worry about you or where you are. Marry me right this minute. Let’s do this for us.”
“Okay, Ash.” I plastered a smile on my face and tried to look happy. “I’ll marry you.”
Officially, we’d eloped, ran away and gotten married because we could. Unofficially, we were still the same people as the day before. I knew there were things that still needed to be reconciled, but I let Ash take the lead and decide how we would forge our relationship.
I couldn’t believe I’d married a man I’d met a little over three months before. A man I knew next to nothing about, but who I loved with the deepest part of my soul. He’d touched me with his mix of strength and vulnerability. That a man of his height and stature could appear as he had that day, unsure and hesitant, pleading with his eyes for acceptance made me wonder what demons he was fighting and whether he’d allow me to be a balm for his troubled soul.
It wasn’t long before I realized that Ash would never allow me to be more than his on-call wife. With one excuse after another, he refused me moving in with him or him moving in with me. Clearly my way of think that every married couple needed to discover the annoying parts about each other and deal with them had been wrong, because Ash refused point blank. The only conversation we’d had about living arrangements, was a terse ‘whenever he had the time’, which he lived by to the letter.
It was a few weeks after our trip to Scotland and our eloped marriage that we lay on a pile of cushions in front of the fireplace at my apartment. He’d brought our meal with him, which he seemed to be doing more and more often recently, preferring the quiet simplicity of dinner for two in the comfort of our homes, rather than allowing us to dress up and go out in public. It wasn’t the first time I’d wondered what he was hiding me away from, but I pushed that to the side and carried on.
“How was your day, Ash?”
He grunted and turned away, falling onto his back to lay looking up at the ceiling and the play of low lights from the lamps and gas-powered fireplace.
“Was it that bad?” I asked with a laugh.
His hand covered his face. “I don’t really want to talk about it, Row.”
“You never want to talk about anything when I ask.” I sat up and looked down at him. “Anyone would think you worked in organized crime.”
The stare he threw me gave me chills. Fear settled in my stomach when he failed to deny the fact or correct me.
“Let me get some coffee.” I excused myself.
Ash grabbed my arm and held me in place. “I don’t work in organized crime, Row, or any crime for that matter.”
“It’s okay. Y-you don’t have to tell me…me what you do,” I stammered. “I was just making a stupid joke. Ignore me.”
He pulled at the tie in his hair, loosening the topknot that spilled over his face before he could push the hair away. “I don’t do anything that’s illegal.” His hand slid down my elbow to clasp my fingers. “I’d never do anything that would put you in danger, okay?”
I put on a brave face and nodded my head quickly, ignoring the disquiet in my gut. “Do you want coffee?” I asked, changing the subject.
Ash held my eyes, a cloud passing across his face. He seemed to close down right there and then before my eyes as though he chose to hide all his secrets behind an impenetrable shield. I stood quickly and went to make myself a drink. When I returned, Ash was sitting on the sofa, his shirt covering the full body tattoo that graced his back and chest. I looked at him, asking without words why he’d moved, but he seemed pre-occupied.
Thinking to lighten the mood, I dropped beside him on the sofa.
“Why do they call you Ash?” I asked.
He gazed at me for a few seconds. “Because after the fire is burned away, what’s left?”
My mouth formed a perfect little “O” and I watched as he stood up and walked away. I’d offended him again, something that seemed to be so easy to do these days. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t get the measure of the man and it frustrated me thinking that I was missing opportunities to get to know him better. However, one thing I’d learned was that Ash wouldn’t be forced, and the harder I tried to make us mesh, the further away I was pushed.
16
Him
Early summer seemed to roll around faster than I’d expected and the date for Andrew’s wedding was a few days away. If I could have gotten away, I'd have jumped at the opportunity. But as it was, I needed to be there in mind, spirit, and flesh when all I really wanted was take off somewhere with Rowanne.
When I’d thought that getting married would bring us closer together, I found it was pushing us further apart. And the worst part about the whole thing, was I knew it was my fault. Yet the harder I tried to keep us together, the more out of reach my beautiful wife became.
She was busy, struggling to keep Andrew’s build on schedule as well as the other projects her boss kept throwing at her. All of that stress made it hard to see her and not nag that she was overexerting herself.
The need to force her to take a load off, to relax, and let me do my job as her man ate a hole in my chest right above where my heart sat. Knowing she didn’t see me as that hurt deeper in my soul than I imagined it should. But the confidence to let her in all the way wasn’t there yet. Not when I hadn’t thrown away the shackles that Drew Sherwin had thrown around my wrists.
Liberating myself from the stigma of being Drew’s man was going to take me a few more months. But once that was over and done with, I’d be home free. A man who could show the woman he loved exactly what he was worth. As it was, what proof did I have to show her I was more capable than she thought? I could only hope she had the patience to wait.
The wedding party would be off the ground in two days, and I didn’t have time to spend with Rowanne beforehand. I made a promise to myself and her that once this fiasco was over, I’d take her somewhere that I didn’t have to look over my shoulder. A place where we could both relax and be ourselves. Allow us to feed off each other until the wounds of separation were filled to capacity.
I tapped on Andrew’s office door and marched in without waiting. It seemed I’d never learned when to play cautious when entering Drew’s den, and the frenzied giggle was too late a warning when the door was already wide enough for me to be seen.
“Ash, my man,” Andrew greeted.
Looking at him closely, I realized he’d probably ingested far too much alcohol over lunch. The look I gave him had him laughing and pointing his finger at me. Fucking clown was always stupid whenever he’d had too much of anything.
“Oh, he’s pissed off at me, Sam,” he scoffed. “Don’t let him get me.” The laugh was forced and loud like a Hawaiian shirt at a funeral.
Sam smiled, a grimace of unease crossed her face. I nodded slightly and watched the tension ease away from her shoulders. I heard another giggle and turned to the side and spotted my nemesis, Kelley.
“He does look like a storm cloud, doesn’t he?” Kelley ogled.
The appraisal she gave me had my skin cra
wling, and I turned away with my fists on my hips.
“It’s your bachelor party tonight.” I reminded him, “and you’re already pissed.”
Andrew laughed and covered his mouth with a hand. “I forgot, Ash.”
I turned on Sam. “Couldn’t you have reminded him to drink less?” I asked.
“He wouldn’t listen to me.” She twisted her hands.
“Oh…” Andrew stood, “let’s get some sexy babes to join us tonight.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and I couldn’t believe he didn’t have the courtesy to behave in front of his soon-to-be bride.
“Sorry, Sam,” I told her. “I’ll keep him under control.”
“Let’s get that sexy architect over to party with us.” He flicked through his phone and pressed a button.
My insides chilled. I was torn. If I made a grab for his phone and told him to calm the fuck down, would he blow up? However, I didn’t want to listen to him invite my wife to one of his nasty parties. I played it cool and listened as he greeted Rowanne loudly.
“Architect,” he crowed, “come to my bachelor party tonight and bring your girlfriends.” He took a breath and continued. “Don’t worry, Sammy won’t be there.” He laughed like it was a big secret he was telling. “She has her own party to go to. You won’t want to go there. Trust me.”
That was the last straw, and I’d had enough. Two quick steps brought me to his desk, which I leaned over and grabbed his phone.
“Hey!” he cried. “What’s the fucking idea with that shit, Ash?”
Turning the phone quickly, I placed it at my ear. “Disregard that. Do you hear me?”
I waited for her reply and cut the line.
“What the fuck, Ash?”
“Get a fucking grip, Andrew,” I told him with disgust. “Sam is sitting right there.”
He seemed to remember she was there and jumped out of his seat.. “I’m just kidding, baby,” he crooned, sitting on her lap. “I’d never cheat on you, you know that, right?”
In my mind I amended what he said to ‘I’d never cheat and have you catch me,’ but I kept my lips sealed. Whatever they wanted to do was their business. I knew for a fact that Sammy knew exactly the kind of man she was wrapping herself up in, and if she thought he’d play happy families without dipping his wick as often as he could, she was lying to herself. “I’ll come to your bachelor party, Drew,” Kelley smirked from her seat, “if Ash will take me home afterwards.”
“I wouldn’t drop you off at the graveyard,” I snapped, “get a fucking grip.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Kelley jumped from her chair and marched across the room.
I looked her dead in the eye. “You are what’s wrong with me.”
“You ain’t fucking gay. I’ve proved that once.” She looked me up and down like she appraising a stud horse. “So, what’s wrong with me?”
“The biggest mistake of my fucking life was laying down with you,” I told her quietly. “Don’t ever think I’d make the same mistake twice. Back the fuck off.,I’m not interested.”
She dropped back into her seat as though I’d slapped her, but I didn’t give a shit.
I was tired of her kind of crazy and Andrew and his pampered ass getting fucked up in the middle of the afternoon. Who the fuck did that when they had responsibilities and a father who judged him? I had to get him as sober as possible before taking him to the venue where his father was set to put in an appearance.
“I’m sorry, Ash,” Sam whimpered. “I didn’t think he’d drunk so much.”
“Too late now.” I pushed my hair back. “Go do whatever you have to do and leave this to me.”
I was back on baby-sitting duty to a grown-ass man. Fuck my life!
It had taken me a full four hours to get the idiot sober enough to attend his own bachelor party and not act like a complete amateur. I’d taken him to a spa where a mixture of the steam room and a decent massage had put him to sleep. Knowing how to handle Andrew’s piss-up sessions was the reason I didn’t drink. Watching him lose his shit put me off ever being like that where people could see, and take advantage.
I’d had to call Rowanne and make excuses for the phone call and the rude invitation, but she knew that I wouldn’t want her to be anywhere near Andrew when he was in that mood. My one regret was that I couldn’t see her myself on my own terms.
This double life was becoming too much for me. When I had to put my interests on hold to cater to another man, it was time for me to get out before I made a mistake that I couldn’t take back.
The restaurant we’d booked for the night was in full swing. Those who wanted to be seen were rubbing shoulders with those they wanted to impress, while others had a serious leave-me-the-fuck-alone vibe going on.
I searched for Jim Sherwin amongst the crowd of people congratulating him and his son on the upcoming nuptials amid the commiserations of a few who griped that Andrew had chosen from outside of the ‘family’. Waiting for him to acknowledge me was the longest fifteen minutes of my life, despite wanting to back down and leave the status quo as it was. There was no other option for me; I had to do this for Rowanne and me. The yoke of being a bought man chafed, and I fought against it with every fiber of my being. I needed my freedom.
Jim gave me the signal I was waiting for and I followed him to the back of the restaurant and into a private dining room.
“What’s up, Ash.” He gave me a cool scrutiny. “You look like you have something on your mind.”
“I do, sir,” I replied, “and I hope you’ll forgive me for bringing this up now, but it’s necessary.”
He took a seat. “I think I need to sit down for this.” He pointed to the other seat. “Take a load off and let’s sort out what’s going on.”
My hands gripped each other, turning my tattooed knuckles pale under the ink. “I need to get out.”
Jim Sherwin said nothing for a while. staring at me with a hand on his chin. “Does she mean that much?”
I shook my head. “She means more.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
The seat couldn’t hold me any longer and I sprang upwards and marched to the corner, turned, and came back. “I need to be the man she can look up to.”
“And you feel that you’re not?”
“I know I’m not.” My voice quieted with the defeat that wrung me dry. “I can’t even tell her what I do because in all honesty, what do I do?”
He contemplated my anguished face for a few minutes then heaved a sigh. “You were never meant to stay as long as you have, but you fit in so well. I couldn’t let you go.”
Reminiscence pushed him from his seat to circle the small room. “I could always rely on you, Asher. When I knew that Andrew would be the immature one, I knew that you’d step up, and you have.”
What he was saying shocked me, and I didn’t have a witty comeback to ease the discomfort.
“Let’s get him married off and then we can sort you out.”
“I got married in January,” I informed him. “I don’t need anyone to do anything for me, but let me be the man I need to be for my wife.”
Jim nodded, a surprised smile on his face. “I should say congratulations, but I’ll wait until I see her for myself.”
“That won’t be anytime soon,” I replied. “Not if I can help it.”
“Yeah, I understand how Drew can be.” Jim's smile was rueful. “I’ve seen how he acts with women you’ve had in the past.”
“Yeah,” I cut him off. “But we all know it takes two.”
“You don’t think he’d try that again, do you?”
“I don’t want to think about it, sir,” I confessed. “He’s made too many remarks for me to feel conformable bringing Rowanne around him.”
Jim nodded, understanding everything I hadn’t said and then some.
“Well, Asher, anything I can do for you, you let me know.”
That was good enough for me. Now, all I had to do was secure my wife and heal the
cracks that were appearing in our relationship.
17
Her
The day dawned clear and warm, typical mid-June weather that promised to heat up perfectly. A touch of apprehension passed through me as I looked over the dress I intended to wear that afternoon. The couture, backless design in deep navy was something I’d found while wondering the back streets of London’s Soho looking for inspiration. Once I’d seen the dress, not even the hefty price tag could dissuade me from reaching for my card and buying it on the spot. Only one thought had entered my mind when I eased that dress off the railing in the shop, that Ash would see it and appreciate the way it hung from my frame. The thought of seeing him later that afternoon made my preparations so much more meaningful.
It had been almost a week since we’d been in the same room. But after the conversation and disagreement we’d had, it was a relief not to have seen him for the last few days. I just couldn’t seem to say anything right, my foot somehow finding its unerring way to my mouth, lodging itself firmly in place. While Ash would regard at me with a twist of distaste on his lips as though I achieved my goal of rubbing him up the wrong way.
He never exactly argued with me. It was the feeling I got that he was less than happy with my performance. The crease between his eyes that told me I’d gone too far. Or the tight-lipped grimace he’d throw my way that made me feel I was less important the more time passed between us in this relationship.
I really wanted us to work things out, to try and get along. But it seemed that all my good intentions went in the opposite direction. What would begin as a passionate reunion would end with him walking out or me spending time in the bathroom trying to get my shaken emotions under control, which would eventually lead to him leaving anyway.
I’d just put the finishing touches to my makeup when the buzzer rang. Hopping to the door, I pressed. “Come on up, Sy, I’ll be ready in a second.”
Leaving the door ajar for my best friend, I rushed back to my room and slipped my feet into the sandals I’d bought to match the dress. The reception we were attending would be a garden affair, and the thought of my heels sinking into the grass almost made me reconsider the thin stiletto heels.
