During the bumpy and agonizingly long drive, how they managed to not touch each other was nothing short of a miracle. But the sexy glances Hawk kept sending her way set off skyrockets inside her body. Luckily they got back to the house before she attacked him right there in the back seat.
“My room,” she said from the corner of her mouth.
Hawk nodded as they totally casually meandered toward the grand staircase. “You go up here,” he said, sliding the back of his hand down the length of her arm. “I’ll take the side stairs.”
“See you in three minutes,” she said, her heart skipping several beats. Then she pretended to examine her bracelets while Hawk turned on his heels and headed toward the hall.
Ten…nine…eight…
“Ashton, hey.”
“Laurel?” Ashton shook her head, trying to sweep away cobwebs and super smexy visions. “Why aren’t you at the rehearsal dinner?”
“I had to change my shoes. Ty’s waiting outside in the car.”
“Ah. Cool.”
When Laurel didn’t make a move to leave, Ashton tried very hard not to tap her foot impatiently.
“So…you said Tyler’s waiting?”
“Uh-huh. I just need a few minutes first, you know?”
“Sure, yeah. Totally, I get it.”
Laurel tilted her head to the side. “You okay?”
“Me? Oh, yeah. Fine.”
I just need to get up these stairs and get to the sexiest man alive…
Maybe following where her gaze was aimed, or maybe feeling the crackle of pure sexual tension in the air, Laurel exhaled a bright, twinkling laugh. “Ohhh. You’re meeting someone. The guy you were telling me about the other day?”
“Um…”
“That friend of yours who’s way too conservative and uptight. Sexually repressed in the worst way, right? You said you should go ahead and hook up with him yourself to prove a point, and to teach him a lesson about being open and free about sex. Am I close?” She paused but didn’t give Ashton a change to confirm or deny. “That’s so awesome, Ash. Go for it! I was talking to Ty about it last night. As women, we should be able to do anything we want with men—just like you said! Like you’re always preaching.” She patted Ashton’s arm. “You look totally hot, too. Hunt down that Mr. No-Sex and give him the single best night of his life. No strings attached.”
Had she really said all those things to Laurel? Whoa, Ashton really did need a filter. Professionally speaking, what she’d told Laurel were obviously the words of a woman who’d been fooling herself, saying anything to hide her fears.
“You’re a hero to all womankind. Good luck,” Laurel added with a smile, her words so totally out of character, making Ashton wonder if she was already tipsy. “Ride that stallion till he breaks, then saddle the next bronco.”
Ashton couldn’t help laughing. “You know I will.”
“Take what you want and screw the rest!”
“Ha-ha. I always do!”
“Guess I better go now.” Laurel’s shoulders rose and fell as she took in a deep breath. “I’ll tell Ty we had another little talk.”
Ashton rolled her eyes. “Oh, great. He’ll be so proud of me.”
After that, Laurel headed out, and right as Ashton was about to continue up the stairs, she saw movement in the hallway. Hawk stepped into view. The expression on his face made her stomach tighten, then shatter into ice cubes.
“Hawk!” she called, not caring who was around to hear. “Wait!”
By the time she’d made it to the side stairs, he was gone.
He tried to block out the sound of her voice calling his name, along with everything else he’d overheard.
Gritting his teeth, trying to not completely come unglued, he stayed where he was, leaning against a doorway in the shadows behind the stairs. If he went up to his room, he’d run into her, and he couldn’t deal with that until he’d cooled down.
But cooling down wasn’t happening, not after the third time Ashton unknowingly rushed past him, still trying to track him down. Why was he hiding like a coward? He’d done nothing wrong…except fall for a woman who’d broken the one promise she’d made to him.
Without a word, he took a step forward, knowing she would see him.
“Hawk!” She rushed at him. “Please.”
After unlocking his jaw and blowing out a long, slow exhale, he said, “Please what?”
She blinked, out of breath from taking the stairs over and over. “Please let me explain. What you heard… It’s not, it wasn’t…”
“The truth? That’s not what you told Laurel about me?”
“No. I mean, it is, but—”
“Shit, Ashton. Do you think your brother won’t figure out who you were talking about?”
“Laurel doesn’t know, and she won’t say anything to Ty.”
This actually made him grunt a dark, sardonic laugh. “Are you serious?” He crossed his arms, mainly to stop his heart from feeling like it was being beat with a hammer. “He’s not stupid. Neither am I.”
“I’ve never said you’re stupid.”
He clenched his jaw again. “I don’t give a damn what Tyler thinks of me, but spouting off that you’d sleep with someone just to prove a point, or teach him a lesson…” He shook his head. “That’s such horseshit. I know you don’t believe it.” When she opened her mouth, he talked right over her. “I know what you think of me, what you’ve always said about me. But you promised, Ashton, you swore you’d never do that again.”
“I know.” Her voice shook. Hawk ignored it.
“Yes, I’m conservative and apparently much too closed off. But that’s no one’s business but mine.”
His tone made her flinch, but he kept going.
“I happened to think that—and any other of your inappropriate rants—are private and not something to be discussed at the top of your lungs in the middle of a party, or in front of strangers, especially not when I’m at the most important job interview of my life.”
“I already apologized for what I said in front of Knickerbocker. That was a mistake and I tried to make up for it.”
“By telling him we’re engaged.”
“But that fixed it. I thought you were happy.”
He thrusted both hands through his hair. “Unlike you, I’m not at liberty to say whatever crosses my mind at any given moment. I have my professional reputation to consider. From now on, feel free to talk about your twisted ideas about sex and relationships—I don’t care anymore—but leave me out of it.” He paused to take a breath and try to calm down. But calm was not a possibility. “I asked for this. I know what you’re like. I should’ve seen it coming.”
She stared at him blankly. If she didn’t understand now, he didn’t know how else to explain it. Instead, he looked her dead in the eyes. “Do you love me? At all?”
He couldn’t help noting the look of surprise and fear on her face. “I don’t…I don’t know.”
Feeling the blow, he swallowed hard and steeled his stomach from the wave of nausea. “Well, there’s my answer. If you did, you’d know. It’s not a trick question. It’s exactly like you’ve always said—no, preached. You don’t believe in love. In your own life, you don’t want real commitments.” He glanced toward the top of the stairs. “This was going to be meaningless sex to you. Some kind of social experiment. Research to write about.”
“Hawk, no—”
“I don’t want to hear it.” He held up both hands and backed away. “This was a huge mistake. Kissing you, wanting you, trusting you—all of it.”
Ashton’s face went white. And despite the blinding anger racing through Hawk’s veins, his instinct was to reach out and hold her and tell her everyone was going to be okay.
But he couldn’t.
Because it wouldn’t work. Not between them. Not ever again.
“You were going to prove a point with me, that’s what you told Laurel.”
“I know.”
Another bitter laugh
caught in his throat. “The fact that you’re not even denying it says everything. I can’t believe you anymore. I can’t trust you. Not sure why I ever did.”
For the first time, Ashton looked pissed. “I said I was sorry about talking to Laurel and about what happened in Bar Harbor. I made a mistake, Hawk. Okay, I’ve made a lot of them, but you can’t hold that over my head forever. You’re talking like I’m some sort of hypocrite.”
“Aren’t you?”
She narrowed her eyes. “I have feeling for you, too. I know I should’ve told you before, but I guess the timing was never right, with my research and dissertation and now Switzerland—”
“So it’s not hypocritical to teach and publish a philosophy like it’s one of the Ten Commandments, but believe another?”
She opened her mouth but didn’t speak. And again, Hawk felt the overwhelming desire to gather her up in his arms, comfort her. It took everything in him to stay where he was. He would not allow himself to be hurt by her again.
“And it’s not hypocritical of you to do and say whatever you have to to get a job?” she said. “I know you put on an act for Knickerbocker and probably all his stuffed-shirt pals at that school just because your dad’s pressuring you. Hawk, you’re better than that.”
“That’s not what I’m doing,” he replied, though he took a split second to consider if that was true. “I believe in those values. Advancing in my career is more important than”—he waved a hand around the space between them—“whatever this was. What I do changes lives, makes the world a better place.”
“You’re saying your job is more important than me?”
“Is your job more important than me?” He adjusted his stance. “You’re leaving for Europe. Early. Running away.”
Eyes locked on each other, neither of them moved, though Hawk could feel a painful throbbing in his carotid artery.
Finally, Ashton blinked. “So this is it?”
All Hawk could do was shrug.
“Then I never knew you. And you obviously don’t know me.”
Even though her voice was icy calm, for the flash of a second, her tough expression twitched like she was barely holding it together. Hawk gritted his teeth, braced every muscle in his body to show no reaction.
“I guess we were right from the beginning to just be friends,” she continued. “But even that’s impossible now. Trust and commitment aren’t real. At least not to me, no matter how I feel—or felt. Love is a dirty lie.”
“Sounds about right.”
Before he could say another word, Ashton’s face fell as she turned and ran up the stairs. Jaw still locked, Hawk forced himself to watch her go, anger wavering for only one moment when he realized she was crying.
Chapter 10
In the history of mankind, there was never a wedding day so tense and dreadful.
Only because Laurel was unwaveringly sweet, and because Ashton’s mother kept sending disapproving and curious looks, was Ashton able to zombie-walk through the bridesmaids’ brunch.
And she wasn’t even a freaking bridesmaid.
The actually ceremony? Ugh, that was the worst. Ashton was sure she would ruin the family photos, because all the MAC concealer in the world could not cover true misery and sleepless nights. She wasn’t in the official wedding party, but was forced to sit in that uncomfortable chair next to her sniffling mother and watch Hawk walk Laurel’s pregnant twin sister down the aisle.
He looked good. She supposed. Without consulting a mirror, she did suspect they had matching bags under their eyes, furrowed brows, and tension headaches.
Good, her thoughts sneered. He deserves to feel like wretched crap after what he said. While the preacher spoke, Ashton closed her eyes, trying to not hear Hawk’s words from last night.
Yes, she’d admitted her mistakes, told him how sorry she was. But the way they’d ended it, gaining his forgiveness was impossible. What kind of heartless monster treated people that way?
She couldn’t help taking a quick peek at him.
Only, he wasn’t heartless. Hawk had the biggest, kindest heart she’d ever known. For him to lash out like that meant she’d truly hurt him. Okay, fine. What she’d said to Laurel was thoroughly out of place, and so untrue. But when she’d tried to tell Hawk, he wouldn’t listen. He’d completely shut her out.
Did she deserve that?
Probably. Yes. And now, there was nothing she could do. Through the entire ceremony, not once did he look her way.
“Here.”
She opened her watery eyes to see her father’s handkerchief on her lap. “Thanks,” she whispered, voice shaky. At least it was normal to be crying at a wedding. No one would know her tears had nothing to do with the bride and groom.
It would be way too suspicious if she disappeared now, so she forced herself to participate in the post-ceremony activities, but her heart so wasn’t in it. She’d much rather sneak a bottle of champagne up to her room and get on the way to forgetting the last four days.
“May I have this dance?”
Tyler, tie loose and hair a little messy, stood before her. He looked so happy that she felt on the verge of tears again. His hand was outstretched, waiting.
Swallowing back a sob, she took his hand and he led her to the dance floor.
“Well, it’s all over,” she said. “How do you feel?”
“Like a million bucks. Like I won first place at a marathon. All of this, this whole week of wedding nonsense, was worth it. We made it. Together.” His gaze moved to Laurel dancing with their dad. “I can’t believe she’s mine. That she loves me enough to accept all my crap and baggage.”
Ashton couldn’t help snorting. “You don’t have baggage.”
“Of course I do. I’m thirty-two years old. Every relationship comes with baggage. No one’s perfect. But if you love someone enough, you deal with it. You forgive and you compromise. You think of them first. Always.”
Ashton felt another sob coming, but tried to hold it at bay. “Yeah.”
Probably hearing her pitiful sniffle, Ty looked down at her. “Sis? You okay?”
“Yes,” she said, though shook her head no at the same time. “What you said about love and compromise, I…I want that. I…think I almost had it, but I messed up, so bad, now it’s too late.”
“Are you talking about a new relationship?” When she didn’t answer, he smiled ear to ear. “Ash, that’s awesome. I’ve been so wrapped up in wedding crap that I didn’t realize— Wait, you found someone new after that creep from last year? Someone you love and trust, who loves you back?”
She still couldn’t answer, because every word her well-meaning brother said was an arrow to her heart. And then the tears. All she could do was hug him, hide her face.
“Oh, Ash.” Ty’s voice was wrapped in the warmth of apology. “I’m sorry. Any way I can help?”
After a few steeling breaths, she shook her head. “I’m fine, really. Just…wedding-emotional. Perfectly natural.”
Ty gave her hand a firm, brotherly squeeze. “Okay, check it out. I’m not supposed to know about this, but instead of the traditional throwing of the rice, one of the local vets smuggled in a bunch of dogs for guests to hold and wave around when Laurel and I are leaving the reception.”
“Dogs?” Ashton asked, totally bemused.
“Uh-huh. Golden Retriever puppies. Couple dozen of them.”
At the image, Ashton’s heart completely stopped, then she broke down in real shoulder-shaking sobs. “Puppies?” she sniveled out.
“Yep,” Tyler replied, rubbing her back. “Just for you, little sis.”
It was true that fluffy pups could cause minor hyperventilation in Ashton; they were not the cause of her tears. Ty must’ve known she wasn’t ready to be on her own, and they danced another song.
As her pulse and gaspy sniffles slowly stabilized, she blew out one last breath and looked her big brother in the eyes. “I need a change, so I’m heading to Switzerland early. They asked me to come out next mo
nth, but I’m thinking earlier than that.”
“How soon?”
She shrugged. “Maybe this week. Fly home in the morning. Do you care if I miss the brunch tomorrow? You’ll be gone already, so…”
“Does Hawk know?”
Her stomach tightened and dropped simultaneously. “Why should he?”
“He’s got the final interview for that school in Charleston. The call came yesterday.” He smiled. “He said the interviewer loved you and asked if you’d be there, too. I guess he’s pretty smitten.” His grin grew. “Actually sounded like Hawk knew he’d get the job if you were with him.”
“Well, I won’t be,” she said stubbornly. “I mean, I can’t. I’m leaving. Hawk will do fine without me. He’ll say exactly what he needs to and he’ll get the job. It’s his dream; he’ll do whatever it takes. He doesn’t need me.”
“If you say so. You know him a lot better than me.”
Another sob shook her lungs.
She’d thought she knew him best, but now… Only thing she truly knew was that she had to get out of there. Move on, sever old, broken ties, even if that meant moving across an ocean.
After giving Tyler a big hug, she grabbed her purse and headed for the door. Only because he happened to suddenly be in her direct eye line did she notice Hawk. He was talking to Maggie, who looked extra curvy and spectacular in her dress and heels.
Swell. Have fun moving on, buddy.
Anger and hurt gave way, leaving nothing but sorrow as she turned and went out a different door. Not even puppies could make her stay.
There hadn’t been a moment that Hawk’s restless antenna didn’t alert him of Ashton’s location. She looked beautiful, smiling and sunny. But he knew her, and saw through the act.
She was broken.
It tore his guts apart to know it had been his doing.
Though he didn’t regret it—he couldn’t. Being with her would never work. In a way, through all the shouting and accusations and hurtful words, they’d both agreed about that.
The Last Plus One Page 24
