by Silla Webb
Baby Girl White
January 21, 2007
She needs a name. Kari had a name picked out, but we never settled on anything particular. Guilt consumes me because Kari never got to hold her daughter. She never got to feel just how perfect this moment is. Tears well up in my eyes as I think about how I’ve lost so much over these last six months. But with all that is lost, I’ve been given the greatest gift of them all. I’d do it all over again just to hold this perfect little angel in my arms forever.
“No, baby girl. Heidi Jo Weston, that’s who you are. Daddy’s little princess. I’ll always hold you close and protect you forever, baby girl.” I whisper, then kiss her forehead.
Chapter 1
I brush her hair back softly, restin’ my fingers against her forehead for just a minute to check to see if she has a fever. She startles in her sleep and looks up at me behind heavy eyes.
“What are you doing here?”
“Worried about you, darlin’? Been callin’ ya all damn evenin’ and you wasn’t answerin’ your phone. So I came to check on ya.”
“How’d you get in?”
“You left the door unlocked. Momma made you some chicken noodle soup. Do you feel like tryin’ to eat?” I ask her, poppin’ the top off of the container of homemade chicken noodle soup Momma whipped up for her. Carly Jo springs from the bed and rushes into the bathroom, slammin’ the door behind her quickly. Damn, the puke’s flyin’ now. Shit.
I sit on the edge of the bed, waitin’ for her to come out of the bathroom. Minutes pass, before I hear a thud so I jump up to check on her. Pullin’ the bathroom door open, I see Carly Jo slumped to the floor, wrack sobbin’ cries consumin’ her small body. I pull her into my lap kissin’ her forehead then whisper in her ear that I’ll take care of her. Damn, I hate seein’ her sick. I know she has to be scared all alone in this big house and feelin’ as bad as she does. Her sobs thicken with each promise I make to her. I reach for her hand to bring to my lips for a kiss, but she rips it away quickly. It’s then that I realize she is grippin’ somethin’ in her palm. When I try to pull the object from her hand, she pulls away, tryin’ to hide it from me. But I’m too strong for her fight. I strip the object from her hand and look down at it, blinkin’ rapidly as I stare at the small piece of plastic. Damn, I sure as hell wasn’t prepared for this.
“What the hell?” I mumble, and thank God that my ass is already firmly planted on the floor, or I’d hit that bitch hard. The world around me stills, as I stare down in awe, and disbelief. Memories of Heidi Jo’s birth flash through my mind; the fear, the anxiety, the excitement. With everything that has happened between Carly Jo and I since she came home, her bein’ pregnant is the last thing that I expected to happen. But I didn’t wrap my junk up either.
Carly Jo’s cries pull me from my trance. Lookin’ down at her body, shakin’ uncontrollably in my arms, my heart constricts because I know she doesn’t want this. She doesn’t want me, a baby, or the happily ever after that we both need and deserve. I’ve been in love with this woman for as long as my mind can remember. She’s all there’s ever been for me. I know that she loves me, but she keeps puttin’ these damn walls up and lockin’ me out. The harder I fight for her, the farther she falls away from me.
Wrappin’ my arms around her I pick her up and carry her back to the bed. Slidin’ in behind her I pull her tight to my chest, then cover her with the blanket. She continues to cry, and I let her. I don’t know what words, if any, can comfort her right now. We don’t say a word to each other. She cries, and I fight back the tears that I refuse to let fall. She cries for so long, that even when she falls asleep, tired from the emotions that consume her, I still hear her cries. They are permanently embedded into my brain because for the last six months, it seems that is all that I make Carly Jo do, is cry.
Reality sets in layin’ here in the bed, holdin’ the woman that I love. We are havin’ a baby. A small life that we created. I think about holdin’ Heidi Jo for the first time. The feelin’ that all was right in the world as long as I had her eyes to look into. It’s funny how a small, innocent baby can bring you to your knees and make you feel so perfect with just one tiny touch.
Then, my mind flashes to the night that Carly Jo told me that she was pregnant with my child, the one she lost. I know in this second that she has to have those same thoughts runnin’ through her mind, fear gnawin’ at her heart strings. Maybe that’s the fear that she’s holdin’ onto, and why she’s so scared right now.
I’m wagin’ a battle that I don’t know how to win. I want all of this so damn bad. It’s within my reach, yet so far away. I ain’t give up hope on us yet, and I ain’t about to now. I pull Carly Jo closer to my side kissin’ her neck I whisper, “I love you darlin’, it’s all gonna be alright.”
I close my eyes to go to sleep, and even though her voice is faint, I still hear her whisper, “I love you too, Colton.”
And that’s the hope that I hold onto.
The alarm sounds, ear piercin’ beeps shrillin’ across the room. I reach over the night stand to shut it off. Rubbin’ the sleep from my eyes, I see that Carly Jo’s not in the bed any longer. Worried that she may be sick, I spring from the bed and go look for her. She ain’t in any of the bathrooms upstairs, so I take the stairs two at a time to find her. When I hit the middle of the steps I hear her, and her faint sobs stop me dead in my tracks. I stand on the steps and listen to her cryin’, and the inaudible prayers I know she’s whisperin’. I continue down the steps and take a seat on the far end of the couch, tryin’ to give her some space.
“Ya alright?” I ask her, terrified of her answer. She doesn’t answer right away. She takes a couple deep breaths, tryin’ to find her voice that I’m sure is lodged in her chest.
“I don’t know.”
“Wanna talk about it? Ya can’t run from it ya know. Might as well face it head on.”
“I know. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.” She shrugs.
“Just what are ya sorry for, darlin’?” Why the hell did I ask that? She glares at me, chewin’ on the bottom of her quiverin’ lip.
“I’m scared.” She whispers before the cries start again. I scoot her over to me, and place her in my lap. Kissin’ her softly on the cheek, I wrap my arms around her tightly, tryin’ to make her feel safe. I don’t want her to feel scared.
“Baby, you ain’t gotta be scared. I’m gonna be here with every step, holdin’ your hand. I promise ya, we’ll get through it, together.”
“You ain’t scared, Colton?”
“Fear is to be expected, darlin’. It’s a big change, and you just have a lot of worries with all of the changes that have already happened. But I promise ya, everything will be fine. You do need to realize that pushin’ me away is only gonna make all of this harder on ya. That little baby you’re carryin’ is as much a part of me as it is you. I love you. I know I’ve screwed up, but we gotta work together. I’m gonna make ya happy if it’s the last damn thing I do.”
“After everything we’ve been through together, how do you still hold on?”
“Cause I got faith in our love, baby. Don’t you remember readin’ the card I gave you on Christmas?” I tip her chin up to see her sunflower irises. I know she does, ‘cause the infinity loop necklace I gave her hangs around her neck. She shies away briefly, but nods. “Ain’t nothin’ comin’ between us again. Startin’ now, we’re puttin’ it all behind us and movin’ forward. Together, hand in hand. I’ll be your strength when you’re too weak to stand, and you will be the reason for my next breath.”
“You aren’t going anywhere are you?”
“Did you really expect me to?” I laugh then kiss her forehead.
“Not really. I’ll admit, part of me wanted you too, just so I could shut you out of my world. But I need you.”
“I’m here and ya ain’t gettin’ rid of me. It’s behind us now.” I brace her face in my hands and pull her into a slow, sweet kiss, before settin’ her beside me.
&
nbsp; “Colton, I know you are excited, but I really think we need to keep this between us. For now at least.” Yeah, I don’t like the sound of that, but I know she’s scared and she’s tryin’ to let me in so I’ll give her her way.
“I gotta get ready for work. You need to stay home and rest. Might be a good idea to get a doctor’s appointment. Call me at the mines later to let me know how you’re feelin’, ‘kay?”
She follows behind me to the door, and kisses me goodbye before I leave.
On the drive home, I can’t wipe the smile from my face. We’re havin’ a baby. Our little family is comin’ together, and we’re finally gettin’ the happiness and love we both deserve. But even clutchin’ hope tightly in the palm of my hand, doubt still rears its frickin’ ugly head in. I try to push it back and ignore it, but I realize Carly Jo’s emotions resolved too quickly, too easily. Refusin’ to let the glory fade away, I focus on the drive and remind myself to keep fightin’.
I’m pregnant. I want so badly to jump up and down, shout to the heavens and cry tears of happiness. And I could do all of that if I was one hundred percent certain that this little baby I’m carrying belongs to Colton. But there are no certainties. I should have never trusted my broken, drunken heart to a sexy and comforting Luke Ashton.
But I did.
And to make matters worse, Luke carries a broken heart and tattered soul of his own. He has enough to deal with in his own life. Yet here this little hiccup rises, and threatens to turn three innocent lives upside down. It isn’t fair to Colton or Luke. But me, I deserve every last ounce of despair that bitch Karma throws at me.
I have to laugh at the situation, really. I fought so hard to protect my heart from Colton, even when I knew I was battling the impossible. My heart, my soul, every ounce of my living, breathing form belongs to him. I’m sick of fighting, and I just want our happily ever after. But now I’m faced with the possibility that this baby may be Luke’s, and if it is, Colton will never be able to forgive me.
Hell, I’ll never be able to forgive me.
I should have never left him that night in the hospital. Colton’s accident wasn’t entirely his fault. He was trying to do what any good Superintendent does, and handle the situation on his own, leaving me to deal with less menial issues. But I did leave him. Mad, no, pissed and stubborn, I walked out and left him. He was injured, and in misery from the bolts and pins placed in his arm after the accident. But I guess that’s the kind of cold hearted bitch I am. I simply didn’t care in the moment. Blind fury, I think they call it. I didn’t take time to look at the big picture. I let my anger and emotions control me, and I was blind to what really was before me.
But now, my heart is bleeding and I don’t have any idea what to do to right my wrong. Hell, there may be no fixing it. And I can’t even fathom the idea of losing Colton forever. If I thought my life had shattered before, spiraling down around me, I was wrong. Because in this moment, the eye of the tornado is heading right for me on a path of destruction and despair.
I deserve every ounce of what I get.
Not only is my heart wracked with the fear of losing Colton, but it is also trembling to the fear of holding on to him. Everything is changing so quickly, and although I stood by and watched it happen, it seems as if it’s hitting me like a ton of bricks. I swear to God, I’ve had to have had my head stuck up my own ass over the last six months to not see all of this happening right before my very eyes. But perhaps, I was just too love struck and blind to see it.
Don’t get me wrong. I love Colton with all that I have, but I simply don’t know how to move on with him. He’s already a daddy. Me, I lost my baby, well, our baby. And now, I could possibly be carrying the one tiny heart that will anchor our love together for an eternity. I want that love, that eternity with Colton like I want, no need my next breath.
I was stupid for pushing him away for so long, but fear controls my every move where he is concerned. It’s hard to uncage my heart, setting it free for his rough, calloused hands to hold. But, had I been smart enough to have done so to begin with, I wouldn’t have this incessant doubt gnawing at me from the inside.
“What the hell?” I heard Colton say, through the chest wracking sobs that paralyzed me in his arms. I thought in that moment he would be mad, upset that I was pregnant. But no…he was just floored. After the initial wave of shock washed over him, you could see the excitement beam from his chocolate brown eyes. Damn, I hope I don’t shatter his world. After all of the heartache and torment we both have been through, this man still clings onto the tattered, raveled threads of what we once were. He has faith that we will be, once again, whole. My God, his strength to hang on to something that feels so farfetched makes me love him even more.
After Colton leaves for work, and I’ve wallowed long enough in my self-loathing, I take a hot shower to ease the tension and stress. I’m still weak, tired and frazzled, but I guess this is just the beginning of it all. Morning sickness ain’t for the faint of heart, that’s for damn sure. I vomited enough yesterday that you’d think I’d be ready to devour a cow from the emptiness of my stomach. But hell no…don’t even mention food, water, sweet tea, peanut butter fudge cheesecake. Don’t mention any of it, ever again, until further notice!
After the tension loosens between my shoulders and the water runs cold, I step out of the shower to towel off and get dressed. Taking a long deep breath, I try to determine whether I should tackle this pregnancy head first, all alone or should I call on Savannah. Hell, I don’t know of any OB/GYN’s in this area. I don’t even know what the hell an OB/GYN goes poking around for, and I sure as hell don’t wanna find out. But, apparently that’s the only damn mad scientist who can get this kid out of me when the time comes. So if I must, I must. Yes, you sense sarcasm, but that’s only because when in fear, I spread a poker face over the frown and cover up the insecurities and doubt. Otherwise, I may falter, I may crack, and I may simply just lose my damned mind.
Picking up the phone, I dial Savannah’s number, and wait for her chipper tone to greet me on the other end. Hell, I know she’s the best choice at aid right now. She’s been there, done that, got a double whammy and a frickin’ tee shirt. When she doesn’t answer her house phone, I try her cell phone instead…it rings endlessly, so I leave her a voicemail then send a text message. Where the hell could she be? It’s just after eight AM.
After searching for a doctor in the area on Google I still haven’t found the confidence to call for an appointment. I simply don’t see the safety of selecting a random doctor from the internet. Hell, I’m having a baby. Not any damn Tom, Dick, or Harry needs to be poking around my friggin’ lady bits and precious cargo for the next eight to nine months, ya know.
It’s been an hour since I called Savannah, so I try to reach her again. Maybe she will sense the urgency this time and answer the frickin’ phone. Finally, on the fifth ring she answers, her voice small and mousy. “Hello?” She whispers into the receiver.
“Thank God you answered the damn phone. I’m in a pickle, and I need my big Sis like yesterday. Get your ass in the car, and get over here now.”
“Carly, what the hell is goin’ on?” She whispers again, but this time her voice is filled with annoyance.
“Why the hell are you whisperin’? Are you sick?”
“Carly, now is just not a good time. Braden is sick, I’ll try to call you tomorrow.”
“Savannah, you can’t leave me hangin’ like this. I’m seriously in desperate need right now.”
“Damn it Carly, when are you gonna realize that everything ain’t about you? I gotta…” her voice trails off, and I’m met with a dull beep. Well screw you sideways too. Wonder what the hell is up with her?
I toss the phone on the table and fall back on the couch, trying to decide what to do now. Savannah was acting really strange. I don’t think she’s been that hateful with me since we were kids. Deciding she’s probably been blessed with a visit from Aunt Flo damn lucky bitch, I brush off my frustration
and turn back to Google to search out a doctor. I find a female OB/GYN at the local Medical Center and call for an appointment. NICE…two frickin’ weeks before they can see me. TWO WEEKS! How the hell am I gonna be able to control these scattered emotions for the next two weeks? Should I talk to Luke now? Do I tell Colton about Luke? Ah damn! I am so screwed.
When the roiling emotions are too thick to break away from me, I decide to spend the rest of the day curled up with my kindle. Colton did say that I need to rest, so why not take it all for what it’s worth.
I grab a fluffy throw from the trunk under the window and settle on the couch, pulling the cover up high on my neck. I scroll through my Kindle before settling on Life’s A Cappella by Yessi Smith. Within minutes, the Kindle slaps my face, startling me from my sudden pull of sleep. Laying the Kindle on the coffee table, I roll over facing the thick cushion, and allow sleep to carry me off to dream. And it does. Except the dream quickly turns into a nightmare.
Chapter 2
Perfection.
per•fec•tion noun pər-ˈfek-shən
: something that cannot be improved : something that is perfect
In Joshua Blake Moore’s eyes, his picture should be notated beside this word in the dictionary, so everyone in the world would have a clear idea of what PERFECTION looks like.
The man does NO wrong. Behind every act, there is a reason. Whether I understand it or not should NEVER be questioned. I am just to trust in his good word because he is perfect and does no wrong. He has the right answer to everything. In fact, I am certain he has the cure for cancer and world hunger, stowed away for safe keeping. But he is too big of a pompous, sinister ass to want to shed any rays of sunshine or happiness to anyone, aside from himself. Perfect, that is Josh. Down to every perfectly combed hair on his head, and the neatly pressed Dockers that I iron each morning at five AM. The man knows no limits at perfecting his own perfection.
