by Silla Webb
Everything after that moves in a blur. Nurses rush in and out of the room, checking my vitals, checking the fetal heart monitor, drawing my blood, and inserting an IV. They each pay no mind to the excruciating pain that I’m experiencing, but then again I’m not the first woman to give birth, or so I’m told. Colton keeps his hands wrapped around mine and his chest rattles with frustrated grumbles. He’s torn, scared and so worried; his emotions mirroring mine. Two nurses walk into the room and introduce themselves to Colton. By this point, I’m beyond exhausted from fighting relentlessly through hours of contractions, so I don’t register their names.
“We’ll take Mrs. Weston down to the OR and prep her for the procedure. Once you’ve been scrubbed in and we’re ready to begin, we’ll bring you into the room to be with your wife.” Colton nods, stepping out of their way. They unlock the brakes on the bed and spin the bed towards the door. Colton keeps up with their pace, stepping to the side of the bed he grips my hand in his as they rush me down to the operating room. Down two floors the elevator doors open and after swiping a card they wheel the bed through a set of double doors. “Sir, you can go with Jayla. She’ll get you scrubbed in.
Colton presses his forehead to mine, kissing my lips gently. “Darlin, I love you. Everything’s gonna be okay, I promise ya, baby. I’ll be right there, darlin’. Please don’t be scared.” He promises, his eyes glazed with unshed tears.
“I love you too, baby.” I whisper, wiping the tears from my face. He releases me from his grip, wiping a tear from his eyes as he watches them roll me into the operating room. Anxiety builds up in my chest and I can’t control the sobs as tears flood over my lids. Biting down on my lip, I silently pray to God to please let my baby be okay.
The nurses wheel me into a bright white operating room, placing my bed next to the operating table. It looks cold, sterile and unwelcoming. Counting in sync to three, they hoist me up in the air by the sheets on my bed, placing me on the operating table. They wish me good luck, before exiting the room and two other people step in their place. They explain the epidural procedure before sitting me up on the side of the bed. A cool sensation tingles my back and my leg jerks. Suddenly, the pressure that has been present in my abdomen before was delicate in comparison to the gut ripping pain that tears through my stomach. Wailing out in pain my chest trembles as white spots float through my blurred vision. “She’s bleeding vaginally!” A nurse yells across the operating room. “I can’t get the epidural in. We don’t have time to waste. Prep her for general anesthesia.”
A nurse lays me back against the bed as two others surround me and begin to place my arms out at my sides. What the hell? “Sweetie, we can’t get the epidural into the epidural space. In order to deliver the baby safely, we need to give you a general anesthetic. Do you verbally consent?”
I nod my head.
“I need to hear it, sweets.” She urges.
“Y-yes.” I say.
A nurse appears behind me and kindly introduces herself. “Can ya count backwards for me from one hundred?” I nod my head as my breath hiccups in my throat. She places a mask over my face as I begin to count.
“One hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-,”
Epilogue
I watch as they wheel Carly Jo away, my feet cemented to the floor unable to move. There goes my life. The nurse ushers me through a hallway into a cold, sterile room with royal tile walls. She hands me a set of scrubs and once I change, she shows me how to scrub in and I copycat her actions. Leavin’ the sterile room, the nurse asks me to wait in the hallway while she checks to see if they’re ready for me to join Carly Jo in the operating room. I wait, and I wait, my patience quickly wearin’ thin.
A nurse steps out of the room and introduces himself upon approachin’ me. He asks me to follow him and I do. We pass back through the same double doors we entered when we got to this floor, which confuses the hell outta me. Why the hell are we goin’ away from the operatin’ room? Carly Jo needs me. Walkin’ into a small room he asks me to sit, but I refuse. A sense of forebodin’ clutches me and I know whatever this asshole needs to say ain’t gonna be too good. He explains that they couldn’t properly place the epidural, so they gave Carly Jo a general anesthetic for the c-section to be performed. I listen intently to every word that crosses his lips, noddin’ my head in agreement. It’s takin’ every damn ounce of will I’ve got to not fall apart in front of him. He tells me that someone will let me know how Carly Jo and the baby are doing shortly and to try to be patient until then. Kindly offerin’ me a blessin’, he vanishes through the sterile hall.
My wife is in surgery, bringin’ our daughter into the world and here I am, thousands of feet away from her when she needs my strength the most. I won’t get to experience the first breath my little girl inhales or hear her first cry. And ya know what, there ain’t a damn thing I can ‘bout it.
Completely helpless.
Anger floods through me as I flex my hands into fists at my sides and my chest shakes with a rattlin' growl. My knees give in and I drop to the floor poundin’ my fists against the cold tile floors, releasin’ the fury and anguish that floods through me. My broken sobs echo against the walls. I need a savin’ grace, just a sliver of hope that my girls will be okay. Once again I succumb to my weakness, whisperin’ a prayer to the good Lord to wrap a blanket of protection around my beautiful wife and my precious baby girl. A humblin’ moment, speakin’ to the Lord. I can’t help but feel regret for seekin’ him in times like this when I’m far from a Godly man.
A hand clutches my shoulder and I jump in reaction, shock surely set in my face. Wipin’ my face with the back of my hand, Luke don’t even ask, he simply pulls me into a hug. Usually, I’d smack him upside the back of his damn head, but stupid bastard has a way of seein’ when someone needs him most. Right now I need all of the strength I can get. I pat his back and tear away from his hold, takin’ a seat to ease my tremblin’ knees. Scrubbin’ my hand roughly over my face, I rest my head against the wall, starin’ blankly up at the ceilin’. Luke sits down, bracin’ his elbows on his knees and sighs. Together, we sit in silence and wait for what feels like an eternity.
Ya always think the worst possible scenarios in times like this. Thinkin’ back to the night I became a Daddy, countin’ Heidi Jo’s ten tiny fingers and toes was the happiest moment in my life. It was bittersweet, welcomin’ my little princess into the world and sayin’ goodbye to the woman who gave me one of the greatest gifts I’d ever receive. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without Heidi Jo and even though our little monkey hasn’t even entered this world yet, I know my soul would die if anything were to happen to her or her momma. Bouncin’ up to my feet, I begin to pace the floor impatiently. Luke checks his watch repeatedly, his jaw tickin’ in frustration. He’s as worried about Carly Jo and the baby as I am. I texted him when we first arrived at the hospital lettin’ him know she was in labor and I’d keep him updated.
“How’d you know?” I ask him, referrin’ to Carly Jo bein’ takin’ into surgery.
“Just had a bad feelin’, man.” He replies shakin’ his head. I don’t understand Luke’s gift, but he always knows when he’s needed. Tonight, it wasn’t Carly Jo that needed him, but me. “She’s gonna be alright, Weston.”
“Ain’t never prayed so much in my damn life, Luke.” Tears burn the back of my eyes and a blaze of heat blankets my face. I feel like a damn fish outta water, suffocatin’ for air. I need Carly Jo to breathe; and I promise you I ain’t breathed not one damn breath since they took her away.
“Mr. Weston?” A small voice calls from the doorway.
Turnin’ around quickly, I glare at the small woman through wide eyes. “Yes ma’am?” My throat tightens.
“Honey, you’re wife made it through the c-section wonderfully. She’s in recovery now and will be moved up to a room within the hour.”
“They’re okay?”
“Yes, honey. Would you like to meet your daughter?”
I collapse into
the chair, rakin’ my hands through my hair. Relief washes over me and I silently whisper a prayer of gratitude to the good Lord. “Please.” My voice cracks as I choke on a broken sob. She smiles brightly, waving me towards her. I follow the nurse to the elevator and up four floors to the Maternity ward where she shows me to a patient room. She asks me to scrub my hands up to my elbows before turnin’ on her heels to go after my daughter. When the door creaks open I stand to my feet and meet the nurse in the center of the room.
My heart stills.
I lift her out of the bassinette, restin’ her against my chest as I carry her to the rockin’ chair. Cradlin’ her in my hands, I pull the blanket back to count her ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. Coal black hair curlin’ around her little ears just like Heidi Jo’s hair curled. I trail my finger down her rosy cheek and a small sigh falls from her thick lips. She looks just like her momma. She is perfection. That breath I’d been holdin’ all this time finally worked its way up out of my chest and I breathe for the first time tonight. I never thought I’d love anyone as much as I love Heidi Jo, but I can promise you I love this little girl just as much. My heart is consumed with so much happiness, so much pride it could split in two right this damn second and I’m sure it’d still be left beatin’.
“Is she your first child?”
“No ma’am, but she’s just as beautiful as her big sister.”
“Congratulations, honey. You have a beautiful little family.”
“Yes ma’am, I sure do.”
“Your wife should be brought in soon, she just woke up in recovery. Good luck.” She waves as she leaves the room.
I wrap my little monkey up tight in the receivin’ blanket and cradle her to my chest, hummin’ softly. Her back rises and falls with each breath she takes as she sleeps peacefully. It’s amazin’ the amount of beauty somethin’ so small and tender can hold. The amount of love that somethin’ so small can withdrawal from another. One look is all it took for me to fall completely head over heels in love with my daughter, just as I fell in love with her momma so many years ago.
There are no words to express seeing my daughter for the first time. She is nestled on top of Colton’s chest, with his hand laid gently on her back, both of them sleeping. I want to hold her so bad, touch her sweet little face and count her fingers and toes. I want to smell her sweet scent and feel the softness of her hair against my fingertips. I want to see the happiness in Colton’s eyes as he looks down at our baby girl. I may not have got to witness her first breath or hear her first cry but this moment is one I wouldn’t trade for any moment in my life.
A small whimper falls from her lips and her face puckers, turning bright red. Colton pats her back softly and shushes her. With his eyes still closed he whispers, “shhh, Daddy’s got ya little monkey.” Her face softens and she stretches her tiny arm up, laying it against Colton’s cheek.
I melt.
I sniffle quietly, but Colton’s eyes catch mine watching him and he smiles the biggest smile I’ve ever see on his face. “Hello, darlin’.” He whispers. “I’m so happy to see those beautiful hazel eyes.” He exchanges seats from the rocking chair to the side of the bed then lays Rylee down in my arms. Without a second thought my tears break free. He wraps his arm around me and kisses my forehead before drying my tears with his calloused thumbs.
“She’s absolutely breathtaking, Colton. I never knew I’d love someone as much as I love her.”
“She looks just like her Momma, darlin’.”
Kissing the top of her head, I inhale and smile. She smells like flowers blowing through the wind and her hair is soft and silky. Trailing my finger down the side of her plump cheek, I gaze at her beauty in complete wonderment. Only something so perfect can be heaven sent. I count her toes, then her fingers. Rubbing tiny circles across her palm, she clutches on to my finger and I kiss the top of her little hand. Resting her hand against her chest, my eye catches the bracelet on her wrist.
Baby Girl Weston
September 3, 2014
3:30 AM
“Some birthday present, huh?” I ask, looking up at Colton through tear soaked lashes. He tilts his head, looking at me in confusion. I kiss his cheek then turn the bracelet around on Rylee’s wrist for him to read. He smirks, rubbing the tears from his eyes. “Happy Birthday, baby.”
“I just knew that little baby would decide to come when I’d be asleep. Now I missed it all.” Heidi Jo pouts.
“Would you have preferred I woke you up, baby girl?”
“Heck no, old man. A girl needs her beauty sleep. That’s why that little baby sleeps so much. She’s gotta catch up to me, ya know.”
“Your little sister’s name is Rylee Jordyn Weston. Not little baby, Heidi Jo Weston.” Colton points out, calling Heidi Jo by her full name for emphasis. Her eyes grow wide, then she crinkles her nose and sticks her tongue out at Colton. He laughs, ruffling her hair.
“Well, she’s a pretty little scutter, I guess.” Heidi Jo shrugs her shoulders as she takes a bite of cake. The day has been full of commotion with everyone and their brother stopping by to meet Rylee. Emma and Bill left just a bit ago, right before the real party started.
Savannah and Luke refused to let the celebration of Colton’s birthday go short lived. They’ve been here most of the day, but left for a short while to take the kids for lunch. They returned with cake, ice cream and a huge bouquet of balloons. Everyone sang Happy Birthday as Colton held Rylee in his arms, smiling down at her with so much love in his eyes. He hasn’t stopped smiling all day, although his eyes are heavy and sleep laden.
“Happy Birthday.” Luke says handing Colton a gift. Colton’s eyebrow cocks up and he peers at Luke like he has a third head.
“Thanks, but I ain’t twelve.” He chuckles.
“Shut your mouth and open the gift, Colton. Gimme my sweet girl.” Savannah picks Rylee up from Colton’s arms.
He shoots Savannah a piercing glare, the usual cocky smirk ever present on his face. “I’ll open it, but as soon as I’m done you reach my baby girl back.” She rolls her eyes as she sways lightly from side to side with Rylee in her arms. “Heidi Jo, come open Daddy’s present from Uncle Luke.” Heidi Jo bounces across the floor and takes the present from Colton’s hand, ripping the paper away in one swift tear. She pops the box open then lays it in Colton’s lap. He moves the tissue paper to the side and pulls out a silver frame. He looks at the picture, then up to Luke. His brows furrow drawing deep in the corner of his eyes. “How’d you?”
Smiling, Luke shrugs his shoulders and says, “I just knew.”
Colton stands, reaching me the frame before he takes two swift steps and pulls Luke into a bear hug. I look at the shiny silver frame and complete awe washes over me. I love Luke Ashton just a little more in this moment. I don’t know how he always knows when and where he’s needed, but he just shows up offering strength and creating special memories that can never be forgotten.
The engraving on the silver frame reads:
Rylee
September 3, 2014
Daddy’s Little Monkey
The picture is exactly what I saw when I laid my eyes upon my daughter for the very first time; her snuggled to her Daddy’s chest as they both lay sleeping.
I lay here scrunched up in this small recliner, listenin’ to every sound that Rylee makes as she sleeps. Carly Jo is absolutely exhausted between labor, surgery and the excitement of the day so she’s nappin’ as Rylee naps. I can’t bring myself to put her down. I can’t stand for anyone else to touch her aside from Carly Jo.
My eyes are heavy and my body is worn, but I can’t sleep. I’m layin’ here with my baby girl on my chest, replayin’ the last nine months in my mind. I nearly threw all of this away, as if it didn’t matter. I nearly lost my faith in Carly Jo and the love that I feel for her. When she told me about her and Luke, I washed my hands of her and was determined to walk away and never look back. I’ve never felt a pain so raw and gut wrenching as I did in that moment. By the grac
e of God I wandered back to her.
All the hell, the heartache, the anguish…it was worth it all.
I’d relive it all again, in a heartbeat just to relive this day again, over and over. The best birthday gift I’ve ever received is my daughter. I can’t imagine missin’ this moment. I can’t imagine not holdin’ Rylee in my arms and feelin’ her heart beat against mine. I can’t imagine wakin’ up each mornin’ to a cold, empty bed. I can’t imagine not havin’ Carly Jo wrapped up in my arms. Because that’s where she belongs.
That woman stole my heart ten years ago and even when I ripped her heart out of her chest, she thrived because she carried my heart right along with her. We have so many more years ahead of us, so many more memories to be made. All the promises I’ve made to my beautiful wife, I’ll keep. I’ll hold her hand through the darkest of hours. I’ll give my last breath just for her to breathe a second longer.
Til my last dyin’ breath, our souls will be anchored together.
BONUS SCENE
Fuckin’ hell.
I stare up at the water stained ceiling in disgust. How the hell did I let things come to this? My nerves are raw and I feel like a caged animal behind these metal bars; a six-by-six dilapidated cell separating me from my freedom. The putrid smell of sewage causes my stomach to churn with nausea. Can’t blame nobody but myself, and mother fuckin’ Drew Varney.
My best friend, my brother, turned his back on me and left me high and dry without a soul to call on. Some fuckin’ shit, right? I tore my life upside down and shredded it to tiny pieces, all because that fucker told me to, and look where the hell I end up. Facing twenty to life for Attempt of Murder on two counts, Malicious Criminal Intent and a fuckin’ bucket full of other damn charges. I’m charged with shit I don’t even remember doin’, shit I ain’t even done. All because I’m the fall out boy. The man dumb enough to eat the fuckin’ bullet all because I’m in debt to that fucker, Drew.
