by T. L. Haddix
Her entire life, her mother had impressed upon her the need for decorum and superiority. When Ainsley turned seventeen, Geneva had made her cut her long hair to a shoulder-length bob. “You look ridiculous with those buns you wear it pulled back into all the time. Like one of those Holiness Church women. It’s common, Ainsley.” And she made her get it cut regularly; it was not to exceed shoulder length.
When Ainsley had grown more on her chest than Geneva thought she should, she’d made Ainsley wear minimizing bras. “Large bosoms are vulgar and common. People will think you’re loose, even if you keep your legs welded together. We can’t have that. If you have any hope of making a good match, we have to keep you as pure as the driven snow.”
It mattered not to Geneva that Ainsley’s feet were a size eight. That was unladylike. The largest shoe she allowed Ainsley to wear for almost a year had been a size seven. Ainsley’s doctor had finally stepped in and put an end to that.
Growing up, she hadn’t been allowed to play with most of the children in her class. Playing sports was out of the question, and Geneva had picked all of Ainsley’s friends throughout her childhood. As a result, the only person she was really close to was Elliot and, despite her mother’s efforts, Byrdie.
Her cheeks heated even now as she thought about the party she’d attended during her senior year in high school. Surrounded by girls her mother thought of as quality, she’d been awkward and out of place. She knew they only included her in their group because her mother put pressure on their parents to make them do so.
They would go to the skating rink or to other social events, and as soon as the adults’ backs were turned, they would leave Ainsley alone. But at this particular party, Ainsley thought she just might have finally been accepted by some of them. They’d been much nicer to her than they usually were, complimenting her hair, her makeup, and her dress. She should have known better.
Mark, Jordan’s brother, had lured her out into the darkened garden by wowing her with his gallantry. He’d paid attention to her nervous chatter as they walked, arm in arm, through the fragrant grounds. When Ainsley realized he was leading her toward the gazebo, her heart sped up with anticipation.
Sure enough, he’d taken her into his arms and pulled her close. It had seemed so romantic, so genuine. But then he’d started laughing.
“I can’t do it. I’m sorry, Jordan,” he called out. “I just can’t kiss her. I haven’t had nearly enough to drink tonight.” He let her go and stood back, laughing so hard that he had to bend over and grab his knees.
Over the pounding of her heart, Ainsley didn’t hear the rustling in the bushes that surrounded the gazebo, or the other kids’ laughter, for the first several seconds as she tried to understand. Once she saw Jordan and her friends standing around the gazebo, a flash went off, and the truth of the situation sank in.
Jordan had set the whole thing up to humiliate Ainsley. Though they bickered, Ainsley and Elliot were close. She’d confessed to him a few weeks earlier that she had a crush on Mark. He must have told Jordan, who’d used the information against her. Ainsley had known for a while that Jordan was threatened by her closeness to Elliot, but she hadn’t realized just how much until that horrible moment.
Blinded by the flash, Ainsley felt tears start slipping down her cheeks. She spread her hands, groping in the flash-induced darkness for something, anything solid to hold onto. When she ran into Mark, she grabbed onto him. Another flash went off.
“I can’t see! Get her off me. She’s so desperate, she won’t give up.”
The laughter started again, raucous and cruel, but when Elliot’s angry voice interrupted, it died down.
“What the hell is going on here? Ainsley? Are you okay?”
She felt his hands come up to her arms, then an arm came around her shoulder.
“Get me out of here,” she begged. “Please.”
“Oh, come on, Elliot. We’re just joking.” Ainsley recognized Jordan’s voice. “Just having some fun.”
“Doesn’t look like much fun to me. You all can go fuck yourselves.”
He’d gotten Ainsley home and managed to slip her inside the little pool house that sat across from the main house without causing too much commotion.
“I’m sorry, kid. I didn’t know they had that planned.”
Ainsley was in no frame of mind to listen to him. He eventually figured that out and just sat down beside her on the slatted lounge. When she’d pulled herself together enough to go inside, she walked away from Elliot without a word. She didn’t go to prom and suffered through graduation, and for the rest of the summer, she managed to come up with excuses to avoid all the socializing her mother wanted her to do.
Frustrated with Ainsley’s refusal to do as she’d wanted, Geneva had put her foot down. Ainsley had stood up to her then for the first time in her life. She was eighteen years old, and she didn’t have to obey Geneva any longer.
Her defense had changed the dynamic between them. When Ainsley had suggested a tour of Europe, Geneva had agreed. She knew her mother would never agree to let her go away to college, but if she didn’t do something, she was going to quietly go mad. Ainsley planned the itinerary around the cooking regions in the countries she wanted to visit, making sure to include enough cultural stops to satisfy her mother. She’d left home in September, and had only returned this past April, just in time for her nineteenth birthday.
Thinking about how her mother would react to Ben, Ainsley winced. “Do you ever wish we were just normal people, Elliot?”
“Normal. You mean poor?”
“Not poor necessarily, but not privileged. Normal. Average.”
Elliot turned his silver lighter over and over as he answered. “No. I enjoy all the perks. I’m a big enough man to admit that. I’ve never felt confined by it like you have. Of course, I don’t have Auntie over my shoulder the way you do, either.” He rummaged in his backpack and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He lit one and inhaled deeply. “I asked Jordan to marry me, and she said yes. I know you don’t care for her, after what happened last summer. I understand that. But she’s changed, cuz. I didn’t speak to her for a whole month after that. She grew up a bit.”
“What about college?”
“That’s one of the perks I was telling you about. Her parents are setting us up in a house. I talked to her father already, and he’s approved the match. I’ll be working with Dad at the bank. I won’t be going to college.”
“Elliot, you’re so young. I hate to see you get married when you’ve barely been out of high school a month.”
He hesitated. “We kind of have to get married. She’s pregnant.”
“Oh, hell.” Though she wasn’t surprised, she was saddened. But Jordan always had been smart, and snagging the son of one of the wealthiest families in the region was a cunning move. Ainsley’s mother would admire the girl’s efforts. “Do you even love her?”
He shrugged. “I like her well enough. And you know my theory about love—it’s only for those poor peasants you seem to feel a connection to.”
Ainsley rolled her eyes at his theatrical wording. “Seriously? Peasants? You’re buying into my mother’s royalty complex now?”
“No. I’m just a realist. The way we were raised, cuz, the stock we come from, you know the expectations our folks have. If you tried to bring that guy back there home”—he jerked his thumb over his shoulder in the direction they’d come from—“and you seriously thought you would be able to be with him? Geneva would disown you. Are you prepared for that?”
“First of all, I just met him. And I’ll probably never see him again. Even if I did, he was probably only being polite today.”
Elliot’s laughter interrupted her. “Seriously? Cuz, he would have been all over you in a heartbeat.”
Ainsley’s cheeks felt like they were on fire.
“You’re nuts.”
Her cousin shook his head slowly. “No, I don’t think so. I know you have self-esteem issues, but you don’t see yourself. Not the way the rest of us do. He does, and he liked what he saw. Did he ask you out?”
“Maybe.”
Elliot fell quiet for a few miles. “You should go out with him.”
Shaking her head with confusion, Ainsley briefly took her eyes off the road to look at him. “I thought you just said there was no hope for any future between me and someone like him.”
“I did. But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to get a shot at something. Hell, maybe it will turn out that he’s got enough of a pedigree that Auntie will approve.”
“You’re assuming that I’m interested.”
“Aren’t you?”
She slowed as they approached Isom, where a slow-moving coal train had stopped traffic as it crossed the highway. Since the locomotives had just crossed when she’d approached, she knew they would be there a little while. She put the car in park and turned off the motor. The heavy thrum of the engines reverberated with a low pulse through the valley.
“I don’t want to be,” she finally answered.
“But you are.”
“Yeah, I am. I thought you’d put him up to it, at first,” she confessed, reaching for his pack of cigarettes and lighter. She didn’t smoke often, but every now and then, she needed something to do with her hands.
“I promised you last year that I’d never willingly do anything like that to you again. I meant it,” he told her quietly. “And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for Jordan’s part in the whole thing.”
“I know you are.” Exhaling in a long stream of smoke, she groaned. “He’s working at the library in town this summer. I guess it would be easy enough to wander in and see how things go.”
Elliot had lit a second cigarette, and he tapped the ashes outside the car. “Well, whatever you decide, if it turns out you need an alibi or something, let me know. I’ll do what I can.”
Ainsley felt a little sick just thinking about it, but she knew the offer was valid. If she did pursue her interest in Ben, she might very well need to use subterfuge to get around her mother.
“You know, honest to God, cuz, if I met someone and we hit it off, and it turned out that person was it for me? I don’t think I’d be strong enough to walk away from our lifestyle to go after it if I had to make that choice. But you’re not like that. I think you’d do anything if you had a chance at the one. The right one.”
“If he loved me back.” She smiled across the car. “I would. All the material wealth in the world is no substitute for being loved. I just wish someone had told my mother that. Both of our lives would be easier.”
Chapter Ten
She went to the library later that week. She didn’t get in there too often, maybe once a month or so, because she purchased most of the books she read. Borrowing books was another of Geneva’s “common” taboos.
Ainsley tried to act casual, browsing through the stacks, but she was terrified she hadn’t pulled it off. After she’d been there a few minutes and had seen no sign of Ben, she admitted her disappointment. Shoot, maybe he’d lied about working there.
Shoving her disappointment to the back of her mind as much as she could, she settled in to browse in earnest. She found the section where her favorite mystery author’s books were shelved, and when she saw two books she hadn’t read, she snatched them off the shelf. They must have come out while she was overseas, and excited to see how the first one started, she opened it and started reading. After a few paragraphs, she was enthralled.
Glancing around, she noticed two comfortable-looking chairs not far away, nestled into the other corner of the u-shaped section. It was early in the day, just barely past eleven o’clock, and she didn’t have any obligations with her mother to worry about. Without a second thought, she crossed to the sitting area and, slipping off her shoes, curled up to read.
She was fifty pages into the story when she realized she was being watched. Raising her head, she drew in a breath when she realized who her watcher was.
“Good book?” Ben asked, not approaching from his spot in the opposite corner, where she’d found the books.
“Yes. Hi.”
“Hi.” He didn’t approach until she lowered the book into her lap. “I don’t want to bother you.”
“You aren’t.”
Glancing at the front desk, she saw that they were being watched surreptitiously by the older woman manning it. The bottle-blonde smiled and looked back down at her papers when she saw that Ainsley had seen her.
Ben took the vacant chair and picked up the second book, which she’d laid on the small table between them. “You like mysteries?”
“Mmm. I like his. They keep me guessing.”
“My dad reads him, says the same thing.” He laid the book back on the table and looked at her, but kept his hand on it, tracing the edges of the binding. “What brings you in here today?”
Ainsley shrugged. “Oh, I just thought it would be a nice day to stop in. Apparently, I’ve missed out on some new releases while I was in Europe.” She cringed inwardly. That sounded so elitist. But Ben just quirked an eyebrow.
“Fair trade, I imagine.” He studied her, his head tilted to the side a bit.
Ainsley put the book down on top of the other one and turned to face him more fully. “I might have come in looking for you,” she admitted. “Just to say hi.”
He smiled then. “Hi.”
Uncaring of who was watching, Ainsley smiled back. “So…”
“So. We can do this all day, you know. Repeat each other.”
She laughed. “I guess we could. Do you get lunch? A lunch break, I mean?”
“Sometimes. My mom’s a pretty strict slave driver, though.” She shook her head, confused, and he explained. “Mom’s a senior staff member. And I’m kidding. They do let me eat at least once a day. Do you want to grab something?”
Ainsley studied her nails as she debated her answer. If they went anywhere in town, her mother would know about it before she got home. Before she could answer, though, a sharply dressed woman with dark hair came around the corner, a worried frown on her face.
“There you are, Ben. I hate to do this to you, but we need to get set up for story time, and Marsha just called. Her car broke down. Can you skip lunch today?”
Ben stood. “Sure. Mom, this is Ainsley. Ainsley, my mother, Sarah Campbell. Ainsley and I met in Whitesburg the other day while I was waiting for Emma.”
Ainsley shook the hand the other woman offered. “Ma’am.”
Sarah smiled. “Hello. I’ve seen you in here before. I’m sorry to take him away from you.”
“It’s okay. I have to go, anyhow.” Standing, she slipped her shoes back on and shrugged at Ben. “Maybe a rain check?”
“He gets off today at two,” Sarah interjected with a wink as she turned to leave. “Ben, I’ll see you upstairs in a few minutes.”
“Mom!” His consternation made Ainsley laugh. She could tell he wasn’t really aggravated with his mother, just a little embarrassed.
“She seems nice.”
“She is. One in a million.” He shook his head, obviously still a bit flustered. “I’m sorry, but as you heard, I have to go.”
“It’s fine. Tell you what, do you want to do something this afternoon? I’m free.”
“I’d like that. I have to be back here by five, though. I rode in with Mom. Emma has our car.”
Ainsley picked up her books, then hugged them close. “I’ll meet you in the parking lot, then? Around two?”
“I’ll be there.” He bowed deeply, winking at her as he straightened. “See you then.”
As she watched him walk away, she held in a shriek of girlish del
ight. It wasn’t a “date” date, but it was close enough. On cloud nine, she floated to the front desk to check out her selections. She didn’t even mind when the blonde questioned her nosily about what she and Ben had discussed.
For the first time in her life, Ainsley was going to be spending time with a guy her mother hadn’t strong-armed into being with her. She felt as if the whole world had opened up in front of her, and she could hardly wait to see what the afternoon held.
Five years later, Ainsley wiped away tears as she thought about how excited and hopeful she’d been that summer, all the hours she and Ben spent together, having a romance, and how naive she’d been to think that it could last.
They’d never stood a chance. Her mother had seen to that. There’d been so much loss since that summer. Ainsley had lost Ben and then the baby. Elliot’s father, her mother’s brother, had died unexpectedly, and Elliot’s mother had relocated to Florida. After finding out the truth about her marriage to Doug, Elliot had cut the ties between Ainsley and his family. And then there was the loss of Doug himself. Though they hadn’t married because of love, Ainsley had grown to love him. He’d become a true friend during their tumultuous marriage, and she mourned him to this day.
Everything her mother touched turned to poison. Ainsley got up and walked to the closet, where many of her clothes were still hanging. Geneva had told her to leave them all. “You’ll be a married woman, and you’ll need a different wardrobe than what you’ve worn as a girl.”
Devastated and heartsick about what she was doing, Ainsley had left them. When she married Doug, her only possessions, aside from her car, had fit into three large suitcases.
She pulled an old, faded dress down from the hanger. It was the dress she’d been wearing the first time she’d met Ben. She crushed it to her, sadness washing over her. She was still standing that way when Byrdie found her.
