She shook her head. “No, this is perfect.”
Drew spread the food and took a seat across from her. He reached for her hand, his eyes radiating kindness. “Mind if I say grace?”
A heaviness settled in her chest. She understood praying at church, but here? What could she say? That he was speaking empty words into the air that wouldn’t get an answer? No. Not only was that unkind, but she’d spent enough time with Lottie over the past few weeks to know it meant more than that. At least for some people. Just because her words fell empty into the air didn’t mean everyone’s did. For some reason, she’d never connected to that bigger power they were so keen on espousing.
“Uh…sure, go ahead.” She slipped her hand into his and closed her eyes.
Drew’s words radiated through her, touching her so deeply that for a moment she imagined she’d been part of the experience. Tears stung her eyes. Was that the key? Did she have to find the right words to say in order to get a response? Maybe that had been her problem. She didn’t know how to pray the right way in order to get an answer.
For the first time since she’d met him, their differences hit her like a sledgehammer. Differences often added to the excitement of a relationship, but this fundamental belief couldn’t be overcome by merely agreeing to disagree.
Carly opened her eyes and glanced at him, his head bowed, a peaceful countenance about him. Squeezing her eyes shut, she waited for him to finish his prayer.
If only things could be different, but she was too jaded to believe in fairy tales—and a relationship with Drew seemed as likely as trying on Cinderella’s glass slipper and discovering it fit.
Chapter Six
Drew smiled when he opened his eyes, reached for a sandwich, and handed it to her. “Want some soup?”
“Sure.” She took the sandwich and a small container of soup.
The happy, cheerful Carly who’d been eager to get to the park a few moments before was now quiet. Had she been put off by his prayer? He longed for her to have the same peace he did in his life, despite the turmoil and uncertainty around him.
He cleared his throat. “We’ll get to watch the sunset, and then since it’s a clear night, we can do some star gazing. Maybe you can teach me about the constellations.”
She wiped her mouth with a napkin. “I’d love that. The stars are quiet and so far away, kind of mysterious in a way.”
He bit into a turkey sandwich and nodded. “Kind of like you right now.”
She laughed, her eyes brightening for the first time. “Sorry. I have a lot on my mind. I’ve looked forward to coming here.”
“And now?”
“And now, I’m still happy to be here, but it holds lots of memories for me.”
“Good ones?”
“Some.” She sobered. “My mom and I used to come here when I was little and walk the trails. That was before…” She stared off in the distance.
Drew picked at the edge of his sandwich and waited for her to continue.
Carly leveled her gaze with his. “She had a drinking problem. I didn’t realize it when I was little. The ironic thing is she sent me to church…Sunday school…the whole nine yards. I was the angel in the Christmas pageant.” Her voice broke, and she reached for her sweet tea.
Drew ached to draw her in his arms and ease her pain, but this wasn’t the time. She was finally opening up and releasing some of it. He wouldn’t do anything to stifle that now.
“Anyway, she’s gone now. I’m here.” Her smile didn’t reach her eyes this time. “I’m ready to make new memories.” She looked past him to the setting sun, casting its pink and auburn rays through wispy clouds floating overhead.
“Sure.” Time for a change of subject. “I used to collect the leaves when they changed colors in the fall, and my mom would put them between pieces of wax paper and iron them.”
“We did that, too.”
“I think my mom might still have some. She saves everything.” He chuckled.
Carly’s smile faded. She wadded up her sandwich wrapper and tossed it in the picnic basket. “That’s really sweet.”
Drew kicked himself mentally for bringing up something so sentimental. Why didn’t he keep his mouth shut?
Carly turned to him. “So why does Keenan cause you so much trouble?”
Now it was his turn to squirm. “Do you want the easy answer or the complicated one?”
“How much time do we have?” Her laughter floated through the air and stirred feelings he’d tried hard to keep at bay with her.
“Not that much, I can assure you. Why don’t we take our parfaits and walk around the lake before it gets completely dark?”
“Should we leave the food here?”
“I’ll stow it back in the truck.”
Drew handed the strawberry parfaits to Carly and then put the basket in his truck. He followed her back to the nature trail.
Carly spooned some of the creamy mixture into her mouth. “Mmm, these are delish.”
He walked along side her. “The best.”
“So, tell me more about Keenan. I didn’t have any siblings, at least none that I know of. Sounds like you two have kind of a love-hate relationship.”
Drew frowned. “Not really that drastic, but yeah, we have our challenges. I guess since my father died, and I’ve had to spend so much time with Mom, he feels left out.”
“I see.”
“However, even though he doesn’t have my undivided attention, he gets more than enough.” More than Drew could stand at times. If only he could wave a magic wand and Keenan would instantly mature. He blew out his breath. Life didn’t work that way, unfortunately.
“You have a good relationship with your mom?”
Drew’s heart warmed at the question. His mom was everything to him. “I do. I’m blessed. She’s my best friend.”
“Hmm.”
What did that mean? “It’s your turn. Tell me about your family.”
Carly’s shoulders tensed. “I won’t ask which version you want, because it’s all complicated. My mom died almost ten years ago from alcoholism. I never knew my dad. My biological dad, that is. My stepdad died soon after my mom.”
“I’m sorry.”
She picked up a pebble on the path and skipped it across the water. “Yeah…Life, huh? A lot of people have it worse.”
He turned to face her. “Why do you do that?”
“What?”
“Diminish the hurt you’ve been through. You shrug your pain off so casually.”
“I know it seems like that, but actually, every awful thing my mom ever said to me is still stuck up here.” She tapped her temple. “But I’ve learned that I can choose to stay trapped in that or create my own happiness, which is what I’ve chosen to do.”
“Does that work? Choosing, that is.”
“Most of the time.”
Drew took the empty parfait containers and tossed them in a garbage can. “Your art reflects both, I think. The richness of the landscapes and portraits you create. There’s a certain subtlety mixed with color that I’ve not seen any place else.”
Her smile sparkled in her eyes. “Maybe you should write my publicity.”
“Maybe.”
She ran her hands through her hair twirling the ends between her fingertips. “Wow! We’ve already walked that whole mile around the lake.”
“Let’s go sit by the shore, okay?” Drew reached for the blanket he’d stashed behind the picnic table they’d eaten at earlier and then offered her his hand. Her soft small hand against his made him want to draw her even closer, but it would be a mistake. He’d meant to only be friends, but his heart wasn’t exactly cooperating.
He spread the blanket and dropped down beside her. She sat cross-legged sipping her tea, her blond hair flowing behind her, an occasional gust of wind stirring it. If only they could freeze this moment, the peace he’d felt and seen in her face for the first time.
Tucking her hair behind her ears, Carly glanced over at him. �
��Okay, we’ve eaten and walked. When do I get my surprise?”
He laughed. “Who said it was a surprise for you?”
She giggled and leaned toward him. Her hand rested on his chest. “If it’s not for me, who then?”
His pulse quickened with her touch. He brushed a wisp of hair from her face, his fingertips lightly touching her cheek. Her breath puffed against his hand, sending heat rushing through his chest. Alarm bells sounded in his mind as her eyelids fluttered and her lips parted slightly.
What am I doing?
***
Carly felt Drew’s breath hitch as he pulled away and smiled. “You’re right. And you’re gonna love it. Wait right here.”
She swallowed against the tears that threatened to flow. What was wrong with her? Why didn’t he kiss her when he had the chance? Either he was the perfect gentleman or…she wasn’t good enough. Maybe her mother had been right.
Drew’s truck door slammed, and he reemerged from the shadows carrying a large black plastic case.
Her pulse quickened. “What’s that?”
Smiling, he popped open the case and withdrew a telescope and tripod. “Thought we could do our star-gazing the right way.”
She clasped her hands together and resisted the urge to squeal. “Oh, I’d love that.”
After straightening the tripod and fastening the telescope in place, Drew put his eye over the viewfinder and turned a knob to bring the lens into focus. “Come take a look.”
Carly stepped forward, excitement tingling through her like an electrical charge. She put her eye up to the viewfinder. Stars appeared, and as she turned the telescope slightly, a familiar constellation came into view. “Here, look at this.”
“Orion’s belt?” He glanced up at her.
“Yeah, span out and you’ll see the whole constellation.”
He adjusted the lens again. “Pretty cool.”
“You know the Orion constellation is home to Betelgeuse and Rigel, both supergiant stars. Betelgeuse is a red supergiant, and Rigel is much hotter as a blue supergiant. Both are bigger and have more energy than the sun.”
“Wow!” He rubbed his head. “And I thought they were merely bright stars.”
She giggled. “Are you making fun of me?”
He put his hand over his heart. “Absolutely not. I’m impressed. You’re one of the smartest people I know.”
“I wouldn’t go that far.” She turned the instrument’s scope to face the moon. “What I really love is looking at the designs on the full moon and imagining people staring back at me. Here, take a look.”
He did as instructed. “Now that you mention it, it’s not that difficult to imagine life being out there.”
“Of course, I know there isn’t someone living on the moon, but when I was a little girl, I used to pretend someone was there staring back, thinking about me. One of the few places my mom took me was to the science observatory over in Boone. I always kind of wished…”
“What?”
“Nah, you’d think it was silly.”
He crossed his arms and looked her in the eye. “Try me.”
“I never got to go to college, but if I had, I would’ve majored in astronomy.”
“Nowhere does it say you have to have a degree to enjoy the sciences. Some of the smartest people I know aren’t college educated.”
She sat on the blanket and gazed into the night. What if there was something out there? Not humans, but…Oh, why did God have to be so silent if he existed? The stars twinkling a mysterious message gave her more hope than religion had. And yet, ironically, some of those stars had long since died. Technically, they were observing objects that weren’t even in existence anymore. She rubbed her temples. Why was everything so complicated?
“You seem as far away as the stars right now.”
She turned to face him. “I’m wondering, if God exists, why is he so quiet?”
“Is he?” His words carried a gentle strength, sure and sincere, like the look in his eyes.
She groaned inwardly. Why had she ruined a perfectly good evening by bringing religion into it? But if Drew were interested in her, he might as well know she wasn’t a perfect match for him. The sooner she gave him a way out, the better. For both of them.
***
Drew studied Carly’s face, serious, unyielding, almost defiant in her challenge to him. Yet her eyes briefly sparkled like a slim candle flame struggling against the wind, refusing to be extinguished.
“Carly, look around you. The stars overhead. The doe and fawn we saw yesterday. The beautiful rainbow after a summer rain. Don’t you see God’s hand in that?”
She cocked her head. “What about the terrible stuff? Earthquake. Cancer. Accidents. If he exists and loves us, why does he allow that?”
“You don’t want a sermon, and I’m not a theologian. The simple answer is we live in a fallen world. God didn’t intend for it to be that way, but he gave us all free will and choice. We have to live with the consequences of that—all of us. If a madman wants to kill someone, he will. If a drunk driver gets behind the wheel of a car, we can’t stop that. All I can tell you is that as horrible as this world is sometimes, if God’s presence wasn’t here, it’d be even worse.”
She chewed her bottom lip. “I don’t follow.”
“What about the aftermath of those tragedies? The people who show up to comfort, to rescue victims from the rubble or put their arms around them after a disaster? Where does that good come from?”
She frowned. “But how can you be so sure of something you can’t prove? You can’t see?”
“Look at it like this.” He motioned toward the sky. “You see the stars at night and know they’re there, right?”
“Uh-huh.”
“During the day, you still know they’re there, even though you can’t see them.”
“Only because I have seen them before.”
“Okay, let me ask you this. You believe you’re standing on a planet that’s hurtling through space at thousands of miles an hour, don’t you? You’re literally suspended in space with all kinds of space matter—asteroids, other planets, moons, stars—floating out there.” He waved his arms around to punctuate his point.
“Yeah.”
“That’s about as supernatural as you can get.”
“Okay, I’ll concede that.” She drew a deep breath. “I just don’t feel God. Is that so awful to admit? I mean, should I go around pretending so I’ll fit in?”
“Absolutely not.”
She wrapped her arms around herself and looked into the night sky.
If only he could wrap his arms around her instead and show her the love that overflowed in his heart. He couldn’t act on it. Not yet. Maybe not ever. No matter what happened between them, he prayed Carly would experience God’s presence this Christmas in a way she’d never felt before. That was the only thing that truly mattered.
God, give me the words to break through that tough wall she has around her heart.
He reached out and touched her shoulder. “The stars are quiet, space is quiet, yet they’re real. And maybe they’re not so quiet after all. In fact, it’s possible we could learn something about God through them.”
Her head snapped around, her eyes intense with question. “What do you mean?”
“Did you see the Bethlehem star in the summer?”
“You mean Jupiter and Venus aligning in the sky?”
“That’s exactly what I mean. That particular alignment, the close proximity of it in the sky, even though they are actually millions of miles apart, hadn’t been seen in almost two thousand years.”
She chuckled as her gaze traced the blanket of stars above them, the full moon lighting the sky just enough to cast shadows through the trees. “So you don’t believe in coincidences, huh?”
“You tell me. You know more about stars than I do. Have you seen anything truly random in science? In the universe? I see it as kind of a quiet reminder of God saying, ‘Hey, I’m still here, I’m in co
ntrol of the universe, and I want to be a part of your life.’ Like he did when he sent Jesus all those years ago with a star signaling his arrival.”
Her forehead furrowed. “Go on.”
“Maybe we can glean as much about God by looking at the quiet evidence in our life.”
“How so?”
“People like Lottie, whose service at the Methodist church is unwavering. She’s got such a big heart. She treats me and you both like we’re family, yet she only met me a few weeks ago.”
Carly’s eyes glistened.
He crossed his hand over his heart. “And I gotta say, that’s a supernatural kind of love.”
Her face softened in the moonlight as the breeze rustled through the trees and stirred the air between them. Had he finally gotten through—on some level—to her?
***
A laugh caught in her throat. Drew had a way of bringing her outside herself, even when her soul stirred with tumult. She wanted to throw her arms around his neck and tell him she believed everything he said. Would she feel the same assurance he and Lottie had? Some supernatural power—God—cared about her and loved her in a special way?
“Lottie’s handprint is on almost every mission project over there.” Drew lifted her hand and rubbed the back of it with his thumb. “I don’t have all the answers, but I can still put my faith in the One who has always come through for me. When you stop and analyze the world around you, then step out on faith and accept his existence, you’ll find he’s really not as silent as you thought. He hasn’t appeared in a burning bush or summoned me to a mountaintop, but I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve leaned on God’s strength and wisdom. Through my father’s death. Through my rocky relationship with Keenan, and…” He drew a deep breath.
Her eyes searched his face. “And?”
“He brought you into my life when I’d been going through the motions of living. You’ve brought joy back into my life.”
Carly’s tears flowed unchecked down her cheeks. “I don’t know how, when I can’t even do that for myself.”
“Maybe that’s the answer.” He reached out and wiped a tear away with his finger. “It’s not possible to bring joy to ourselves. It’s a byproduct of what we do for others.”
Silent Stars of Bethlehem (O Little Town of Christmas) Page 5
