“But the nightmares... Talking about it might help.”
A shudder passed through him and she squeezed his hand, leaning in closer. “You’re not alone,” she whispered.
“I’ve been alone so damn long.” He said the words more to himself than her, but they broke her heart just the same.
She was torn between pushing him, wanting to know more about Eddie’s death and the demons that made Nate suffer so much, and simply soothing him. Was it fair to force him to relive the traumas or atrocities he’d seen in the line of duty?
“Not anymore,” she said finally. “I’m here for you as long as you need me.”
He pulled away, got up off the blanket, paced a few steps and then turned back to her. “There are things you don’t know about Eddie—about that last mission.”
“Do you want to tell me?”
He closed his eyes. “Yes. No. I’m so messed up, Bianca.”
She drew her knees to her chest, as if they could protect her heart from whatever pain she was sure to endure in learning the details of her brother’s death. “Whatever it is, I can handle it.”
“Mommy, I caught a grasshopper.”
She sucked in a breath, her focus switching to EJ in a split second. “Bring him here,” she called, shielding her eyes from the Texas sun. “Let me see.”
As EJ ran forward, Nate backed away. It felt like more than just a physical distance between them. Somehow the connection they’d shared moments earlier had been severed. His mask was in place again, and she wanted to rip it from his face. Until Nate was truly honest with her and himself about how Eddie’s death had affected him, could they really have a chance at making this work?
“Look at his big eyes.” EJ came to stand at the edge of the blanket, his small, dirt-smudged hands cupped in front of him. “He’s green.”
“So cool,” she whispered.
EJ smiled. “He tickles my hand with his legs. Can I keep him?”
“No, sweetie. His home is out here on the grass. He probably has a grasshopper family waiting for him.”
“What if he’s alone?” EJ asked.
She could feel Nate’s gaze on her and glanced up, but his eyes were unreadable under the wide brim of his Stetson.
“I doubt he is,” she answered.
EJ scrunched up his face into a frown but then opened his hands. The grasshopper rested on his palm for several moments, probably stunned by being captured. Then the bug hopped into the grass and disappeared in the high stalks.
“There are a thousand more you can catch,” Nate told EJ. “Grayson, Jayden and I used to chase those things all over the place.”
He smiled at her boy, and Bianca’s heart stuttered. She had to convince him to face his demons because she needed a future with Nate Fortune like she needed her next breath. She’d fallen hopelessly in love with him.
Not the start of something that felt like love. Not a little bit. Full force with everything she had. It was difficult to fathom how that was possible given the brief amount of time she’d truly known him, but it was her reality just the same.
She wasn’t going to give him up without a fight.
“We should go.” When both Nate and EJ turned to stare, she realized she’d shouted the comment. She was willing to fight but didn’t quite know how to start. That made her nervous, and when she was nervous she talked too much...or blurted out random commands.
She’d never had the nerve to fight for anything she wanted. Everything in life had simply happened to her and she’d made the best of it. This was different. She was different in Paseo, and as much as she yearned to embrace it, the thought also made fear pound through her. She took a breath and thought of what Nate had told her about Eddie. Her brother had been scared, but he’d kept going. She could keep going. Or at least try to keep going without making a fool of herself.
“I mean...” She tapped a finger on her watch. “It’s probably time to head back to the ranch.”
“Sure,” Nate said, giving her a questioning glance. “Are you feeling okay?”
She grinned, wondering if her smile looked as fake as it felt. “Fine.”
“Then let’s pack everything up.” Nate placed a hand on EJ’s shoulder. “You ready, buddy?”
“Fifteen more minutes, Mommy?” EJ asked, his eyes darting toward the windmill on the hill. “I’m not done exploring.”
Bianca sighed. “Fifteen more minutes.”
EJ pumped a fist in the air and ran toward the windmill.
“Would you like to see it, too?” Nate approached her slowly, as if not sure how she might respond.
Perfect. He thought she was a crazy person. What a great start to her plan to fight for him.
“I can show you the spot where Jayden and Ariana said their vows.” His voice was gentle. “Are you sure everything’s okay?”
I’m in love with you.
“Yep,” she said quickly, pressing a hand to her stomach.
“I don’t think so.” Nate slipped his hand into hers. They began walking toward the windmill, where she could see EJ bobbing up and down in the tall grass, clearly still on the hunt for grasshoppers.
“Does this have something to do with what we were talking about?” His voice was hollow. “About me being messed up?”
“No,” she answered immediately, hating that her own tumbling emotions had made him think she was judging him.
“Because I wouldn’t blame you. You and EJ are important to me. Getting to know you is one of the best things that’s happened in my life in forever.”
“Me, too.”
“But I don’t know if I can give you what you want.”
“Then give me what you can,” she blurted.
“Bianca.” He shifted so he was in front of her, blocking the path. “You can’t mean that.”
“It’s not forever,” she told him, forcing her gaze to remain on his. A spark flared in his coffee-colored eyes, like her words disappointed him somehow.
Was it possible Nate wanted forever with her?
“What I’m trying to say is I can be patient. You’ve been through a lot. I get that. We can go slowly. It doesn’t have to be a rush. You and I have all the time in the world, but I’m not going to give up because I’m scared and you believe you’re messed up.” She bit down on her lip, took a breath. “I’m going to fight for us. I believe this is something special, and I refuse to let it go.”
He lifted his hands to cup her cheeks and leaned in to brush a kiss across her lips. The touch was featherlight, but she felt it to her toes. There were things he couldn’t say yet, secrets he wasn’t willing to share. But the kiss was a promise of more. It felt like a pledge, as if he was giving her an answer to a question she hadn’t even known to ask. But the “yes” in his kiss meant everything.
“How did you get to be so amazing?” He pressed his forehead to hers, their breaths mingling so that it felt like they were connected even by the air around them.
She tipped back her head and laughed. “I was born that way.”
“Mommy, I got another one!” EJ’s voice rang out across the meadow.
Nate looped an arm around Bianca’s shoulder and they walked toward her son. Suddenly the fear that had become Bianca’s constant companion dissolved, hope blooming in its place. Hope for a real future with the man she loved.
Chapter Thirteen
It was a week later that Nate got the call he’d been expecting since Jayden left the ranch. He driven into town to pick up materials to replace a section of fence that had been damaged by a windstorm just after Christmas. His phone rang as he loaded the back of the truck, and he sent the call to voicemail.
Almost immediately, the device buzzed with an incoming text.
Don’t you dare screen my call, Nathan.
He finished sliding a piece of timber into the car
go bed and punched a button to return the call.
His mother answered on the first ring.
“It wasn’t on purpose,” he lied. “I’m in the middle of fixing the south pasture fence. It’s not a great time to talk.”
The familiar sound of one of Deborah’s patented sighs came through the phone. “Talk to me, anyway,” she told him. “I’ve been trying you for days.”
“I’ve been too busy to get to town.”
“You’re not answering the house phone, either. Did you get my messages?”
“I meant to call you back earlier.”
“Lucky for both of us, you made the right choice today.”
He shut the back of the truck and leaned a hip against the tailgate, resigned to get this inevitable conversation out of the way. His mother wasn’t going to let him off the hook. The truth was, he’d been secretly waiting for her call. He was a grown damn man, but sometimes he wanted his mom to help smooth the rough edges of his life. Of him. The way she had when he was a boy. Even though Deborah had been busy raising triplets and working, she’d always made time for each of them as individuals.
“Hi, Mom. How are you? How’s Grayson? I hear you’re heading to Tulsa.”
“Fine. Fine. Yes,” she said in rapid succession. “Are you going to explain why I have to hear about your new girlfriend from Jayden?”
“She’s not my girlfriend,” he said, which was both true and not. He’d never taken Bianca out on an official date but he felt closer to her than any other woman in his life. “She’s Eddie Shaw’s little sister.”
“Jayden explained that part. He told me she has a son.”
“EJ,” Nate explained. “Edward James.” Guilt twisted in his chest as he added, “Named after Eddie.”
“He also said you’re different with her.”
“Different how?”
“Happy,” Deborah said, her voice a caress across the miles that separated them.
“I was happy before,” he argued but couldn’t manage to put any conviction in the words.
“No, you weren’t. Not for a while, Nathan. I’ve been worried about you.” His mom had a knack for ignoring the nonsense her three sons tried to feed her and cutting through to the truth. “I’d like to meet Bianca and her son.”
He took off his hat and swiped an arm across his forehead, sweat beading along his hairline despite the cooler January day. “I don’t know how long she’s staying. She hit a rough patch and is trying to get her life back on track.”
Deborah let out a soft laugh. “I can relate to that.”
“You’d like her. She’s smart and funny and she loves her son more than anything. She’d do anything for EJ.”
“I can relate to that, too,” his mom answered. “It’s how I feel about all three of you, even though you’re grown men now.”
“What about you?” he asked. “How are you, Mom?”
“I told you I was fine.”
“Fine doesn’t mean anything to me. Or to you. We both know that. Did Jayden tell you he had lunch with one of Gerald’s kids when he and Ariana stopped in Austin?”
There was a charged silence on the other end of the line. “He mentioned it,” Deborah said finally.
“How are you dealing with the fact that our father is still alive now that we’ve all had some time for it to sink in?”
Another pause. “The same as you, I’d imagine.”
He laughed. “Well, that doesn’t reassure me you’re okay.”
“Oh, Nathan.”
“We’ll make it through.”
“We always do,” she agreed. “One thing I’ve been thinking about is what I might have done differently back then. The regrets I have about letting Jerome—or Gerald now, I suppose—walk away.”
“Mom, he made that choice.”
“I didn’t stop him. We had a stupid argument, and I let fear and pride dictate my actions. I didn’t fight.”
Nate sucked in a breath. Bianca had told him she was willing to fight. Hell, she was so much braver than he imagined. Than she gave herself credit for.
“You couldn’t have known,” he insisted, “what he would do to break ties with his family.”
“You’re right, of course. It’s the past now, anyway. It doesn’t do anyone any good to let regret take over and dictate how you live your life.”
Nate didn’t answer. What could he say to that?
But his mom knew. Even though he hadn’t talked about Eddie’s death to her—to anyone except the tiny snippets he’d shared with Bianca—Deborah didn’t need words. She had that spooky maternal sixth sense, where she understood what he and his brothers were going through without them uttering a word.
“You know this, right?” she asked, her voice still gentle. “Regret is not a way to live your life, Nathan. You can’t change what happened in the past.” He heard her draw in a breath. “You can’t blame yourself for Eddie’s death.”
Of course he could. He did.
“I want to talk about Eddie Shaw,” he told her, “about as much as you want to discuss Gerald Robinson.”
Deborah chuckled. “You’re like him, you know.”
“Eddie?”
“Your father,” she corrected. “You’re strong like he was. And so darn stubborn.”
“I thought I got that from you,” he said, letting humor lace his tone.
“From both of us,” she admitted. “Don’t let it change the course of your life. If you care about this Bianca, tell her.”
“She knows how I feel.” But doubt niggled the back of his mind as he said the words. What did Bianca really know? That he’d opened his house but not truly his heart. That he wouldn’t share the details of his past. That he was willing to make love to her every night but would sneak away after she fell asleep, afraid of what she might witness when he was in the middle of one of his nightmares.
“Take it from the voice of experience,” his mom said, as if reading his thoughts. “A single mom who’s built a life around her son needs to know a man is committed to her and her son. The stakes are too high any other way.”
“There are things about me she doesn’t know,” he admitted. “The night Eddie died...” His voice cracked and he swallowed.
“Tell her,” his mother urged. “If she’s the kind of woman I think she is, the two of you will find a way to get through it, Nathan.” She let out a delicate sniff. “You deserve happiness.”
“Mom, I don’t want to upset you.”
“You’re not. Sometimes I just wish things had been different for our family. That I’d been able to give you boys more.”
“You gave us everything.”
“You were always sweet,” she said. “A teddy bear heart in a tough navy SEAL body.”
He smiled. “Bianca called me a teddy bear the first day she showed up in Paseo.”
“I like her already. Remember, no regrets,” she said. “I love you, Nathan.”
“You, too, Mom. Say hi to Grayson for me.”
They disconnected and he got in the truck and headed for home, surveying the land that he’d grown up working on as he drove. The ranch had been a kind of salvation to him when he’d left the navy. A place to escape and hide out, where he could lose himself in the backbreaking labor and honest sweat of a hard day’s work. He’d needed a reprieve from life and from the hell his existence had become the moment Eddie died, but he was quickly realizing there was no way to outrun what he’d gone through.
He thought he could escape the bad memories by ignoring them, but in doing that, he’d allowed the past to dictate his future. He didn’t want that. He wanted Bianca and EJ.
He wanted to be the man they both deserved.
As he approached the ranch, he noticed a car he didn’t recognize parked in front of the house. Not that he knew every vehicle in Paseo, but the cherry re
d sports car seemed out of place in this part of Texas.
In front of the old farmhouse, the Miata gave the impression of nail polish on a pig. The car wasn’t new. It had several small dents in the back bumper and the paint’s shine was worn down on the hood. He did a mental eye roll at the car’s bumper sticker, which read My Other Ride Is...Your Mama.
Nate didn’t know who was visiting the ranch today, but he could guarantee they were no friend of his.
He parked the truck and took the steps two at a time, not sure why his heart was hammering in his chest. As he burst through the door, Bianca, EJ and a man Nate didn’t recognize all turned to him.
“Mr. Nate,” EJ shouted, his voice shaky. He let go of his mother’s leg and ran toward Nate.
Nate scooped him up in his arms, holding a protective arm on the boy’s back.
Who the hell was the guy glaring at him from across the room?
“Nate, you’re here.” Bianca pressed two fingers to her temple.
“Yep,” he agreed. “I live here.”
The stranger’s eyes narrowed and Bianca took a step forward, as if she was breaking up a potential fight on the playground. “This is Brett Pierson. He just arrived.” She swallowed. “My—”
“Husband,” the man supplied.
“Ex,” she corrected.
Brett raised a brow in Nate’s direction. “For now,” he muttered.
“Don’t do that,” Bianca whispered, and Nate hated the panicked look in her warm cocoa-colored eyes. She shook her head. “Not in front of EJ.”
Brett gave the barest hint of a nod, as if agreeing only to humor her.
“This is Nate Fortune.” She gestured toward Nate. “He was a friend of Eddie’s.”
Brett curled his lip in what could have been a smile but looked more like a sneer. “Right.”
Bianca seemed shocked at Brett’s reaction. “Really, Brett. I’m sure I mentioned Nate to you. He and Eddie did BUD/S training together. They were SEALs in the same squadron.”
“Yeah. I’ve heard all about him.” Brett focused his gaze on EJ. “Come here, son.” He held out his arms and motioned for the boy.
EJ buried his face against Nate’s shirtfront.
Her Soldier 0f Fortune (The Fortunes 0f Texas: The Rulebreakers Book 1) Page 14
