There was a small part of him that grew more and more uneasy with each hour that passed without a single word from her.
Not a call.
Not a text.
Nothing.
These thoughts would consume him if he let them, so, realizing he couldn’t sit in his office and sulk for the rest of the night, he packed his briefcase and headed out.
Evening was settling in and it dawned on him that the sun was about to set on yet another day and he still hadn’t heard a thing from her. It was that thought that caused his heart to leap inside his chest when his phone began to hum on the seat beside him. The screen was face down, but, even without seeing her name, a small sliver of hope filled his senses. This might finally be the call he was waiting for.
That hope lived on for exactly two seconds—the time it took to flip the phone face up and read Monique’s name on the caller ID. There was once a time that might have excited him a little. But now? Now the only thing he felt was disappointment. Hers was not the name he anticipated seeing.
A small pang of guilt struck him in the middle of his chest and he hadn’t even answered the call yet. It hit because he knew exactly why she was contacting him. Very few of his past conquests reached out to communicate with him. That was against the unspoken rules. If Zander felt like being bothered, he would make the call. The only job his female companion of choice had was to promptly avail herself. There was definitely a ‘don’t call me, I’ll call you’ clause the masses knew to abide by.
However, Monique had always been somewhat of an exception to that rule.
The phone buzzed again and he warred within himself. On the one hand, this might have been the perfect time to let her know his status might be changing in the near future and she should no longer call so freely. But then, the other part of him thought answering was probably not the best idea. Quite a bit of time had passed since he’d enjoyed the company of a woman, due to Vanessa’s hiatus. Because of this, he didn’t want to put himself in any sort of compromising position. Did he think he’d give in that easily? No; however, he thought it best not to test that theory.
Monique’s call eventually went to voice mail and Zander couldn’t help but to feel like he’d conquered something just then. Passing on her call was the equivalent of winning a small battle in the war he’d been fighting most of his life, the war in which he only recently began to experience victories. Still, no matter how great or small those victories might be, they were all important.
Stopping only briefly to pick up the Thai food he phoned in, he made it home just as the last trace of daylight disappeared on the horizon. After backing into the garage, he ventured inside with the day’s mail in hand, deciding to look it over while he ate.
Alone.
Until recently, that never bothered him. Being alone, that is. He had a theory, though. It wasn’t a problem before because, at the time, there hadn’t been a more desirable option. Not until Vanessa came into the picture and he realized that, for once, he actually preferred someone’s company over solitude.
When his phone sounded off again, he was quick to set his fork aside to check it. As if all his thoughts of her had somehow summoned this particular text, Zander smiled at Vanessa’s message:
‘I need to come see you.’
That was all he’d heard from her in three days, but it was enough to bring a smile to his face. Within seconds, he responded with an invitation to join him at home. She’d never been, so the following message was his address and a few landmarks she should look out for.
‘Heading there now.”
Zander’s smile broadened. It’d been far too long.
Anxious didn’t even begin to describe how he felt. He’d come close to calling her back, asking for her answer, begging to be put out of his misery sooner rather than later. The wait was killing him. In the days since they last saw one another, so many thoughts passed through his mind—good and bad. Thoughts that drove him to the brink of insanity.
She had to say yes.
He needed her to say she wanted him as badly as he wanted her.
When the doorbell finally rang, Zander had just finished clearing his spot at the table. He set aside the piece of mail he’d been skimming and stood to answer. And there she was—just as beautiful and perfect as she always was. It seemed fitting to greet her with a smile, one that hinted toward how happy he was to see her. However, she had nothing more to offer in return than a blank stare—a blank stare through red-rimmed eyes that were puffy underneath.
She’d been crying.
The moment Zander realized it, his imagination ran wild, making random assumptions as to what upset her so badly. Had someone done or said something? Was everything okay with Ryan? Was Simon the cause? If that was the case, he’d gladly pay him a visit. You know… ‘set him straight’.
“What’s the matter?” Zander asked, bringing Vanessa in by the hand. There was no hiding it; he cared. When it came to her, he was in too deep to pretend like what affected her didn’t affect him as well.
Standing face to face, he felt inexplicably protective of her—this woman who technically didn’t belong to him; this woman who held his very heart in the palm of her hand.
“Tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it, Love.”
Vanessa said nothing in return. There were no words, just tears. The sight of each one that fell made his heart race a little faster. She wouldn’t stop. Couldn’t stop. As quickly as she could wipe them away, more took their place until her eyes were simply flooded.
“We have to talk,” she finally mumbled.
A thought occurred to Zander, right then, at that exact moment; maybe this had nothing to do with Simon, Ryan, or anyone else for that matter. There was just something about the way she said it: ‘We have to talk’.
It made him think that maybe…
…maybe those tears were meant for him.
The realization that he’d misunderstood the purpose of Vanessa’s visit altogether struck him like a ton of bricks. All at once, he felt foolish for not expecting this.
Of course she didn’t feel the same things he felt.
Of course she didn’t…
It’d been a little while since his heart had felt like the dead weight of a stone resting inside his chest, but he could already feel it hardening. As he stood there, watching her, waiting for the inevitable. No, this visit wasn’t a pleasant one like he naively believed a short while ago; this visit was meant to sever ties. He’d been on the receiving end of his mother’s rejection enough times to read the signs.
To start, Vanessa’s body language was all wrong. She’d opened herself up to him quite some time ago, but now? Now, they may as well have been strangers. Her arms were secured tightly across her chest and she wouldn’t make eye contact. All he could focus on was her, on her lips as he waited impatiently for them to move.
She finally found the courage to stare back, feeling things she knew Zander couldn’t even begin to understand, and he especially wouldn’t once she said all she’d come here to say. When all was said and done, she was positive he’d hate her to the core, but, on some level, that was what she needed. She needed him to hurt badly enough, be filled with so much hatred, he would willingly let her go.
In truth, this was one of the most difficult things she ever had to do. But that was just it… she had to do it.
The carefully plotted details Simon laid out for her came to mind again, as well as his promise to make sure she kept her end of the bargain. If she didn’t follow his rules to a T, he’d undoubtedly pull the trigger on the next phase of his plan, which included the possibility of her son being taken halfway across the world out of spite. It was that thought that sobered her, helped her refocus on the task at hand.
“So… I thought things over like you asked,” she began. “And… the more I think about it we… we simply don’t make sense, Zander.” Another warm tear slipped down her cheek. “You and I could never work.”
There.
&nbs
p; She said it.
It didn’t matter if those words were a complete lie, but she needed him to believe it. If he even detected she’d been put up to this she knew he would stop at nothing to find out why she’d go to such lengths to feed him this bull, nor would he let her go.
And, with all she had at stake, she needed him to let go.
If Simon caught wind of her seeing or being in communication with Zander, there was no telling what he’d do. For all she knew, he’d have someone watching her around the clock. Maybe even that sleazy lawyer of his; the guy had been known to do just about anything for the right price.
Zander rested his back against the wall in the foyer, staring at his feet instead of Vanessa. He couldn’t anymore. He wasn’t sure if it was the sight of her crying or the feeling of resentment already growing in his chest, but looking at her was simply not an option.
“I’m sorry if you feel I led you on,” she added, doing her best to sound indifferent, but the tears she couldn’t contain said otherwise. However, she was pretty sure Zander assumed her overactive emotions were nothing more than the result of a guilty conscience. That was fine, though.
No, that was best.
Yes, thinking she felt nothing more than guilt in this moment was for the best.
“So… I don’t think we should see each other anymore because we’re,” she paused and let out a breath, “…we’re only wasting one another’s time, really.”
She watched and waited, staring at Zander’s dark hair because all she could see was the top of his head. His eyes had left her and she had no idea what was going on inside his mind.
Aside from the realization that their newfound place in one another’s lives had been snuffed out by Simon, the part that hurt her the most was knowing all Zander had already been through. This wasn’t the first time he’d been turned away, cruelly tossed aside as if he didn’t matter. If only she could reach out and tell him that wasn’t the truth. He mattered to her more than she’d had the chance to express, but now, that chance would never come.
“So that’s it then,” Zander said coldly as he ran a hand down his expressionless face. “Just like that? We’re done?”
The words sounded so empty, like he was unbothered by her speech. That was intentional, she guessed. It felt like her heart was in her throat now.
“Well?” came that harsh tone again. “That’s what you’re getting at, isn’t it?” he asked.
“Zander, I—”
“I don’t need you to coddle me. Just give it to me straight,” he shot back, cutting her sentence short. Those eyes that she’d lost a moment ago, found her again and they were darker than she remembered, filled with rage, no doubt. She’d come to recognize such warmth in them lately, but not today. Today they were void and soulless.
He wanted her to just come out with it, say what she needed to say and then be on her way. That was probably best, anyway, so she drew in a breath to recite the speech she’d stayed up all last night getting ready for this very moment. However, before she could even get the words out, Zander spoke again.
“I suppose I walked right into this,” he said, scolding himself inwardly for not knowing things couldn’t have ended any other way. The idea of him as a one-woman man was ridiculous, right? Happiness was never meant to be his. He’d known that since he was a child and it was downright negligent of him to get so wrapped up in her. There was no one else to blame for this mess but himself.
No one.
As he thought about it all, how reckless he’d been, he locked his fingers behind his neck, feeling the unmistakable tension in the muscles there.
He was frustrated; Vanessa could see that from a mile away and she couldn’t blame him. She was sure he was wondering if he’d misread the signs, wondering if everything she’d said up to this point had been a lie. Little did he know; she hadn’t lied to him until tonight. All of this, every word, was a complete lie. She wanted to be with him, even though she knew it was a completely rash decision, that didn’t matter. She was willing to step into Zander’s chaotic world.
But it no longer mattered that she was willing.
Being with him was no longer a possibility. Simon had snatched that option right off the table, leaving her no choice but to break Zander’s heart tonight.
Squaring her shoulders, an image of her son came to mind. That was exactly the push she needed to go through with this. Everything came down to him—Ryan.
“You wanted me to be frank, so that’s what I’ll do,” she said boldly, feeling her tears dry as the words flowed. “We’re finished here, Zander. It was… fun while it lasted, but I think deep down we both knew that’s all it was. Fun, no-strings-attached sex. Nothing more. Nothing less,” she added, gritting her teeth together right after.
These words were ugly but necessary. The more she hurt him, the stronger the guarantee he wouldn’t bother coming around again. And she couldn’t risk that.
“I’m sorry you got confused about what this was, Zander. If I’d realized sooner that you were starting to—”
“Don’t you dare,” Zander cut in, shaking his head at Vanessa’s attempt toward making a clean break. “Don’t you dare try to make me think I imagined it all.”
Her heart stopped cold in her chest as she watched him—thick veins protruding from his forehead and neck as he became angrier and angrier by the second.
“You don’t want to be together. Fine. I get that, but for Pete’s sake, Vanessa; we’re adults here. Call a spade a spade, dammit.” His steps brought him closer and with each one, Vanessa felt her nerve slipping. He was close enough to touch and she couldn’t promise she could restrain herself.
A set of quivering fingers stretched toward her and her eyes closed half a second before Zander touched her cheek. Instinctively, she leaned into it, letting him cup her face as she broke all the rules she’d set for herself before coming here. She needed to maintain a safe distance between them. Otherwise, she’d… she’d falter. She’d lose her nerve and…
“Tell me you didn’t feel something. Tell me you don’t even now,” Zander whispered. He didn’t need to speak any louder than that because they were close.
So close.
An unsteady breath passed between Vanessa’s lips and she wanted to tell him he was so, so right. She felt everything with him.
Everything.
“You’re scared,” he reasoned, going back on his own resolution to let her break things off while maintaining his dignity. He wasn’t supposed to fight for her, but… it couldn’t be helped.
“Zander don’t,” Vanessa pleaded in a low voice. Without thinking, her hand rested gently on top of his while he continued to cradle her cheek.
“You’re making the wrong decision,” he added, hoping his words weren’t falling on deaf ears. “I know I’ve still got a lot of work to do, but I’m getting better.”
The sound of him pleading his case shattered Vanessa’s heart even more. He thought this was his fault, which was completely untrue.
“Let’s just talk about it,” Zander breathed, bringing his body closer as the unintended magnetism humming in the atmosphere lulled them both into a haze of confusion.
Warm lips touching hers caused Vanessa to suck in a sharp breath. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. She was supposed to be done with this conversation and on her way back home by now. However, she currently found herself locked between the hard lines of Zander’s body and the wall. He pinned her there and she let him.
His mouth burned a feverish trail down the side of her neck and she couldn’t believe how quickly he’d been able to get her off track. The fact still remained: they could never make this work. Not with all she stood to lose.
Her fingers splayed across Zander’s rigid chest when she braced her hands there, managing to create a few inches of space between them.
“Stop. We can’t… You and I—”
He covered her mouth with his own again, swallowing down her words, words meant to tear them apart. H
e knew she wasn’t giving up, but neither was he.
“Zander,” she panted, coming up for air, “I’m not trying to hurt you.”
That statement alone brought his pursuits of her to a screeching halt. He listened as Vanessa caught her breath and as he stood there, his feelings, words that would’ve otherwise been carefully guarded had he been in his right mind, spilled out.
“And yet, that’s exactly what you’re doing,” he admitted.
Vanessa stood before him, quiet as ever. He could still feel her hand planted in the center of his chest, pushing him away, but not really anymore. At the moment, she was frozen in place.
It’d been years since he felt a sting penetrate quite this deeply. The last woman who held the power to emotionally scar him was his mother, and now here he was, a man in his own right, feeling like that broken little boy all over again. However, this time, it was his fault. Had he kept his heart guarded, had he known better than to think Vanessa was capable of reciprocating these feelings, this never would’ve happened.
Slowly, he backed away, keeping his eyes trained on the floor because, quite honestly, he couldn’t bear to look at her. She was the embodiment of everything he wanted, everything he feared, and now, everything he regretted. He’d accidentally allowed too much of himself, his happiness, to be at her mercy and now… this was the outcome.
“Just go,” he whispered.
Those words went against nearly everything he felt on the inside, but his ego was bruised beyond words at the moment. It was that pain, the humiliation of being so open and vulnerable with one woman, fueling the surge of anger that rushed through his veins.
So close, she felt the warmth of Zander’s breath when it barely touched her skin. It would’ve been so easy for her to take him into her arms as close as he was, take him into her arms and tell him the truth. She wanted nothing more, actually. He would’ve understood and wouldn’t have held a grudge, she was sure of it, but… this had to be.
The words “I’m so sorry,” choked from her throat. She took in the sight of him, the man she’d just broken and sacrificed for the love of her son.
Overdose: A British Bad Boy Romance Page 34
