“Then, how could this possibly be for nothing?” She shot back quickly.
This was exactly why he didn’t want to discuss it. Every time he even allowed himself to think Vanessa’s name, it was accompanied by knots across the muscles in his shoulders and sometimes even an unshakeable headache.
“Maybe those were the wrong words,” he conceded. “Maybe I’m just… maybe I’m just in a bad place and I need to pull back for a while. You know… get my thoughts together before I pay you another visit.”
“No.”
The bold statement caught Zander by surprise and Dr. Shafer, no doubt, saw that in his expression.
“I’m sorry. No?” he replied, seeking clarity.
“No. I’m not letting you run from this. Based on what you’ve told me, you’ve done a lot of that. Not where you’ve physically ran away from problems, but mentally? You bolt. As if not dealing with something will miraculously make it go away. You don’t want to talk about this anymore today? That’s fine. But I won’t let you cast off these sessions as if you don’t need to be here. No, I can’t make you show up, but you definitely don’t have my blessing to stop coming.”
Tough love—that’s what Dr. Shafer promised him. When he showed up for a second session, she warned him she wouldn’t go easy on him. She warned him that being her patient came with a ton of tough love and accountability that would, at times, feel like she was being pushy, but she guaranteed him it would only ever be because she cared. He’d come to understand and appreciate it, but… admittedly not now, not when he wanted nothing more than to be left alone.
“Dr. Shafer, I—”
“Same time next week, Zander,” she cut in, writing the date in her notes so she could pass the information along to her secretary first chance she got. When her pen went still, she met Zander’s gaze, as if she dared him to say otherwise.
She was a hard one to outrun.
“Same time next week,” he repeated.
When he stood to leave, she stopped him.
“And I don’t often do this, but I’m giving you a bit of homework.”
This should be interesting, he thought. “I’m listening.”
Dr. Shafer stood and took slow steps toward her office door alongside Zander. “I need you to let yourself feel this one.”
He quirked an eyebrow. “Pardon me?”
“That’s it. That’s the homework. I want you to stop trying to keep your mind busy and allow yourself to feel whatever it is this loss has brought with it. Even if it’s only for five minutes. It’s imperative that you stop blocking these things out,” she insisted. They turned and were now standing face to face as she gripped the knob.
“For you, for all of us, displaced emotions eat us alive,” she explained. “Sometimes it can manifest itself physically as an illness, but for some it shows up in other ways. Like with your condition. And the sooner you deal with it, the sooner you can move on and continue healing.”
Zander was silent as he considered his doctor’s proposal. She wanted him to let the hurt come crashing down. There was only one problem with that: he feared he might not fully recover from this one.
She placed a hand on his shoulder as if she’d heard his thoughts, but encouraged him to take her advice. “Trust me.”
Hesitant and fearing he might regret it later, Zander nodded. He’d do it.
In the words of his doctor, he’d let himself feel this one.
Chapter Twenty-Five
With each step she took across the parking lot, she thought to turn around and get back in the car. This was the last thing she wanted to do—reneging on the arrangements she’d made with Dr. Keiser. Initially, she thought it’d be best to talk to him face-to-face, but now that the hour was upon her, she found herself wishing she’d just told him everything over the phone.
Crossing the threshold into the empty lobby, she took the elevator up to the fifth floor as bile burned the back of her throat.
“You have to do this. You have to,” she chanted to herself. “For Ryan, you have to.”
Remembering her reason for going along with all of this always helped her put one foot in front of the other. It helped her step off the elevator and muster up a smile for Dr. Keiser’s secretary when she asked the woman to let him know she’d arrived. It gave her the strength to walk into his office and look him in the eyes.
“Vanessa,” he greeted her, smiling as he stood to shake her hand. “A pleasure as always.”
She had a feeling he wouldn’t think so in a few minutes.
“I appreciate you making time to see me,” she replied.
He waved her off casually. “It wasn’t a problem. I’ve been expecting a call from you anyway. We’ve got to get a start date nailed down for you. I’m having a new lock put on your office door and Suzanne will be ordering your name plate at the end of the week.”
Vanessa’s heart sank. She’d come so close to making it out.
So close.
“Well… that’s actually what I need to talk to you about.”
Jim’s brow quirked and his hands folded neatly on the surface of his desk. “Is everything all right?”
Vanessa had to sit quietly for a moment. If she spoke too soon, tears would spring forth and she couldn’t do that here. Yes, she considered Dr. Keiser to be a friend, but the basis of their relationship was professional. She’d have to hold all that other stuff in until she was alone.
“Well, as it turns out, there’s been a change of plans,” she started. “I uh… I’ve decided to stay in partnership with Simon after all. It just… it makes sense from a financial aspect, so… ”
The rest of her words got stuck and she had to end the lie there. She couldn’t go any further explaining this because it hurt; hence the reason she’d put this conversation off for an entire month. She knew this day was inevitable the moment Simon handed over that agreement, but she dragged her feet until now. It hurt. All of it—turning down this offer, what she’d done to Zander, letting Simon control her.
All of it.
“I suppose I uh… I suppose if you’ve already thought this through—” Dr. Keiser stammered. Apparently, he was at a loss for words, too. Vanessa knew he wouldn’t understand, but also knew he wouldn’t pry. Or, at least that’s what she thought.
“You’re sure you’re all right, Vanessa? You’re sure this is really what you want to do. I thought—”
“I’m sure,” she forced out with a smile, one she hoped would get him off her back. “Now… if you’ll excuse me, I’m expecting a patient soon and I’m sure you’ve got things to do, too,” she added, feeling the back of her throat tighten as she swallowed down sobs. She feared that, when she finally did let them break free, they would drown her.
“Um… of course,” Dr. Keiser replied.
Vanessa was sure her odd behavior hadn’t gone unnoticed, but she couldn’t worry about that right now. Right now she needed to get out of there.
“Thank you for your time,” she said in parting, and then attempted to hightail it out of his office. However, despite her quick steps toward the door, Dr. Keiser caught up. Feeling his hand on top of hers when she reached to turn the knob, Vanessa’s eyes met his.
“Promise you’ll call if you need anything. You not taking this position doesn’t burn any bridges between us,” he assured her. His friendship meant the world to her and it was a relief to see there weren’t any hard feelings, not even with her less than stellar delivery of this news.
She nodded once, feeling choked up. “Thanks, Jim. I appreciate that.”
He offered a nod and then removed his hand, allowing Vanessa to flee.
And that’s exactly what she did.
The sound of her heels clicking against the tiled floor echoed as she took quick steps down the hallway, calculating the distance between herself and the elevator that lie straight ahead. She breathed and passed Jim’s secretary’s desk without so much as a glance. She couldn’t afford to let anyone slow her down. If she didn’t
hurry and get to her car, she’d end up crying in public and she didn’t want that. She needed to—
“Vanessa?”
She knew that voice, recognized the sound of her name being spoken the way only one man in particular could speak it, and that had nothing to do with his native intonation being heavy on his tongue.
Things were about to take a turn and Vanessa knew immediately, all the effort she’d put into rushing off to cry in peace had been for nothing.
Well, it would be if she actually stopped, anyway, which was why she didn’t.
In fact, she didn’t even turn when she heard Zander’s faint footsteps approaching from behind. He was one of the last people she wanted to see, given her present state of mind and, had she been thinking, she wouldn’t have come here. Yes, the odds of her running into him were slim to none, but Dr. Keiser was a mutual friend, after all. In hind sight, she shouldn’t have chanced it.
Her avoidance of Zander was imperative. Seeing him, looking into his eyes, would cause her to unravel. She knew this beyond the shadow of a doubt.
She pressed the elevator call button over and over again, as if that would make it arrive faster. Her body shook from head to toe as she prayed and wished she could somehow get away before he caught up, but the feel of long fingers gently encircling her wrist made it clear that wouldn’t happen.
Wetness touched her eyes and she knew she couldn’t contain it.
Damn him.
Why did he have to be here?
Why did he have to see her like this?
A mess.
Again.
Just like the night she’d gone to him. If she wasn’t careful, he’d catch on that there was more going on with her than she let on.
“Vanessa,” he said again, but this time the surprise had left his voice. The shock of this impromptu run-in had been replaced by longing as he stood so close, touching her.
One tear, followed by several more, ran down Vanessa’s cheeks, dripping onto the material of her dark blouse.
But she wouldn’t turn around.
“I won’t do this, Zander,” she managed to say evenly. He couldn’t know she was crying.
At those words, his hand slipped away. Having her treat him so coldly, as if he’d done something wrong, stung just as much today as it did a month ago. However, there was a difference between then and now.
This time he wouldn’t beg.
Yes, when he noticed her a moment ago, he got ahead of himself and called her name on impulse, but he wouldn’t give her another chance to degrade him. He wouldn’t plead with her over a relationship that only he seemed to want.
No matter how strong the urge.
The elevator chimed and Zander backed away, keeping his eyes trained on Vanessa’s back where her thick, dark hair swept across it as she stepped inside. He remembered the feel of it in his fingers, remembered her scent, the sound of her laugh. Everything.
He remembered everything.
Vanessa panicked a little when she realized she could no longer hide her face. He’d only get a glimpse as she turned to press the button on the elevator’s panel, but he’d see her tear-streaked cheeks, red eyes and all.
Hopefully, he’d just let her go.
Hopefully, he wouldn’t notice how upset she was.
She held on to that hope right up until their eyes locked. And in that moment, she saw it, the tension in Zander’s brow as the doors closed between them. That was all the proof she needed that he had, in fact, noticed. If she had to guess, he already managed to burrow his way deep inside her head by now, analyzing whatever clues he was able to gather before she could get away. She’d never been good at locking him out.
With her keys already in hand, Vanessa reached the lobby, but the second the elevator doors parted, her plan to retreat to her car in peace was foiled. Instead, she found herself staring into those same, gold-flecked eyes she assumed she outran on the fifth floor.
He knew. Vanessa was positive he didn’t understand exactly what was going on, but she was sure he knew she was hiding something.
She had to act quickly, pressing buttons until the doors began to close again.
Maybe if she hopped off on some random floor and waited him out, she might stand a chance. Her heart beat wildly as she panted, hoping Zander wouldn’t force his way inside. However, that hope was in vain because, the next instant, her personal space was brazenly invaded as her new elevator companion slammed his fist against the panel, stopping and stalling it mid-motion.
Vanessa’s chest heaved with each breath. Face-to-face, toe-to-toe, they stared one another down in this surrealistic moment. Neither expected to see the other so soon, or maybe not at all, considering the state of things.
It could’ve ended upstairs in Dr. Keiser’s office if Zander had just left well enough alone.
But… he hadn’t.
Vanessa’s eyes traced his features—his stiff jaw and lips, those eyes. She quivered inwardly, praying all the while that he didn’t notice how she still came undone for him. Like always.
Something about her called out to Zander like a beacon amidst the fog inside his head. It’d been her light that first awakened him months ago, allowing him to see beyond the borders of his own world to realize there was more. Allowing him to realize love was not impossible, not even for someone like him. He knew he shouldn’t touch her, but… he couldn’t stop himself.
His hands went to her cheeks and her lids drifted closed. She breathed a sigh of relief as the sensation of his skin to hers soothed the sting of what her life had become. However, instead of his touch slowing her tears, they fell faster, like tidal waves flowing from her eyes. At first, he wiped them with his thumbs, brushing them aside, but then he tasted their saltiness against his lips, pressing gentle kisses to her face.
It wasn’t supposed to go this way. He wasn’t supposed to be holding her. That hadn’t even been remotely close to his objective when he decided to chase after her. Actually, all he wanted was answers. However, as the corner of her mouth brushed his, he suddenly forgot all his reasons.
It’d been weeks since he’d held this woman and, even now he wasn’t sure how or why either of them had submitted to the other in this confined space, but they had. Per Dr. Shafer’s request, he’d just spent the past week allowing himself to feel the effects of Vanessa’s abandonment, and now he was surely setting himself back a ways.
But, for now, that mattered very little.
She was like an addiction, a drug he could go weeks without, a habit he thought he’d beaten, only to give in the moment he had her in his possession.
The taste of her skin against his tongue as he sucked the hollow of her throat drove him wild.
“What are you even doing here?” she asked breathily, untucking the hem of Zander’s shirt from his pants with greedy fingers. She was like a woman possessed, unable to control what her limbs did, unable to untangle them from around him. The more he touched her, kissed her, the more he siphoned the hurt away.
The feeling was intoxicating.
He heard her question, but didn’t feel like going into detail about the business lunch he and Dr. Keiser scheduled for this afternoon—a lunch he had clearly decided to forego the moment he saw her rushing out of Keiser’s office.
“We can’t do this,” she sighed, but Zander had heard that several times before. Those very words. It had become somewhat customary for her to fight her feelings for him. He’d never known it to be any other way. For that reason, his hands continued their journey up her thighs, gathering her skirt beneath his palms while she breathed soft moans into his ear.
Every possible line was blurred. They weren’t together, couldn’t be together, and yet… here they were. Vanessa battled the fear that stalked her on a daily basis. There was always this sense of being watched, followed by someone Simon had thrown enough money at to do so. She hadn’t forgotten his threat—that he’d make certain she cut Zander off—so she was always looking over her shoulder.
&n
bsp; The sound of her stockings being ripped away from her hips was accompanied by that of Zander’s belt unbuckling when she finally finished wrestling with the thing. In an instant, his slacks hung loose around his knees and her thighs encircled his hips in their warmth.
Their heavy breaths told of their longing. With each thrust, the distance between them was cast further and further away, as if no time had passed at all, but it had. So much had changed and Vanessa already felt the sting of having to break their tie once more when it was all said and done. But for now, she was powerless.
Her back inched further and further up the wall as Zander’s toned hips battered her inner-thighs. The feeling of his skillful strokes as he moved inside her was more than a fair trade. The pain to pleasure ratio was always tilted in favor of pleasure with him.
Sweating and grasping at the back of Zander’s expensive dress shirt, Vanessa rode out the wave of an orgasm seconds before the sound of a heavy grunt caressed her ear. It was a familiar sound, one she missed. Actually, she missed it all—even his crassness and dark sense of humor. They were almost polar opposites, but it was that balance of sensibility and impulsiveness that drew them together in the first place. That hadn’t changed.
She felt the magnetism even now.
Reality wouldn’t come crashing down on them for a moment, so they reveled in this space. Vanessa felt untouchable, like nothing had changed, like she wasn’t basically living inside a fish bowl under Simon’s observation these days. Zander rained tender kisses over her brow and closed eyes. Her body leaned into his once her feet were placed on the elevator floor again. This was a mistake, both felt it, but needed it too badly to question the logic that landed them here.
With his forehead pressed to hers, Zander inhaled Vanessa’s air, needing to feel as close to her as humanly possible. She gently tugged his pants and boxers back into place, re-fastening his belt after. Following her lead, he smoothed her skirt down her hips once she rid her legs of the tattered stockings. She stepped back into her shoes and that’s when it hit—reality.
Overdose: A British Bad Boy Romance Page 36
