by D. Lieber
“I didn’t know you could get them in different colors,” Sawyer said, nodding to the purple handle and tip of her cane.
“Yeah, companies are finally catching on to just because you’re blind, doesn’t mean you don’t want to look good.”
“Eeva, why do you only carry your cane sometimes?” Sol asked. “Don’t you need it all the time?”
“You’re probably right, Sparkler. If I was smart like you, I’d carry it all the time. But when I’m in a place that I know really well, like at home, I don’t really need it. And sometimes, like when I have a lot to carry, I just don’t use it. But when I’m in a place where I can easily trip or bump into things or when there are a lot of people who have to know that I don’t see them very well, then I try to carry it.”
Sol frowned. “I don’t want you to get hurt. You should carry it all the time.”
Eeva smiled down at the boy. “You’re probably right,” she said again. “All right. Let’s do this. You ready, Sparkler?”
“Ready!” Sol agreed, squeezing Sawyer’s hand as they began walking toward the entrance.
The steady clanging from a corner Santa’s bell sounded muffled by the insulating snow.
Sol frowned as he watched the man and his red bucket.
“What is it, my friend?” Sawyer asked him. “Why are you giving Santa that look?”
Sol turned his big, brown eyes to Sawyer. “My teacher was reading a book about Santa, and some kids in my class laughed at me when I didn’t know the story.”
Eeva met Sawyer’s gaze, her brow puckered with uncertainty.
“Did your mom tell you about him?” Eeva asked the boy.
Sol frowned. “She told me he was a giving spirit. But I didn’t know about any of the other stuff. I didn’t know he had flying deer or that he came down the chimney.”
Now inside the automatic doors of the craft store, Sawyer knelt down in front of the child. “Storytelling is a big part of how we celebrate Yule. Why don’t we ask your mom to tell us the story of Santa tonight?”
“Okay,” Sol agreed as if all his concerns had been addressed.
Sawyer helped Sol take off his mittens and hat and unzipped his coat. Then, he stood and looked at Eeva.
Her eyes were warm as she smiled softly at them. Sawyer’s heart jumped in his chest. He’d thought she would never look at him that way again with the reception he’d received.
“I’ve missed that,” he murmured.
Eeva frowned. “Missed what?” she asked.
“Your smile.”
Her cheeks flushed, and she averted her eyes.
He smiled. And I’ve missed that, he thought.
“Let’s get this done before the old ladies beat us to the good yarn.”
“Lead the way.” Sawyer swept his hand before them.
She turned to Sol. “Do you want to sit in the cart or walk?”
“I want to walk.”
“All right. Then you better stay near Sawyer or me.”
Warmth spread through Sawyer as his name left her lips. Yes, she may be different from the Eeva he knew before, but it was clear she still had an effect on him. His skin tingled with the renewed desire to have her eyes only on him, to have her voice whisper only his name.
“I will,” Sol promised.
“Will you push the cart?” Eeva asked, turning her attention to Sawyer.
He smiled. “Whatever you need,” he promised, his voice thick with implication.
Her cheeks colored again, and her eyebrows crinkled. His grin widened.
She cleared her throat. “Um, okay. Thanks.” Then, she turned and led them to the back of the store.
Three full aisles of yarn stood imposingly before them.
Eeva stared down at her list. “Okay, mom wants some worsted weight wool or alpaca and some skeins of cotton as well.”
“What is she making?” Sawyer asked.
“Hats and mittens with the wool, and washcloths with the cotton,” she answered. “All right, Sparkler. Let’s find what we need. What colors do you like?”
The trio spent the next half hour picking out yarn.
“What else?” Sawyer asked.
Eeva consulted her list. “Looks like baskets to put all the gifts for the shelter in.”
Picking the baskets didn’t take nearly as long as it had with the yarn. But then, they had to go all the way back to the yarn aisle because they’d forgotten the cotton thread for the candles. Next, they picked out fabric to wrap the soap in. They chose a light blue with snowflakes.
They still had time once they’d gotten everything on the list.
“Do you want to look around a little, Sparkler? Maybe we could find a craft for you.”
The boy agreed. “I want to make something for Mom to give to her at Yule.”
“Okay. Is there anything special you want to make her?” Eeva asked him.
Sol’s brow crinkled in thought. “Something that has to do with the sun.”
Eeva smiled. “That’s a very appropriate Yule gift. Hmm, how about a sun catcher?”
Sol pursed his lips. “You’re teasing me, Eeva. You can’t catch the sun.”
“Always so skeptical, my little Sparkler. A sun catcher is something you put in the window. When the sunlight hits it, it lights up, shining rainbows of color all over the room.”
Sol’s eyes sparkled. “That. I want to make that.”
Eeva smirked. “Okay, let’s make that.”
For Sol’s special project, they got clear acrylic discs, each with a hole drilled into it. They also found clear quilting thread, glue, and colored glass dragon tears.
Eeva looked at her cell phone as they put the last of the stuff in the cart. “I think that about does it. Unless you need anything?” she asked, turning her questioning gaze on Sawyer.
“Nope. I’m good.”
“Let’s head toward the checkout then. Dad should be here soon.”
They got into a rather long line of elderly ladies, quite a few of whom indeed had yarn. Eeva gave Sawyer a significant look that said, “I told you so.”
When it was their turn, the smiling cashier rang them up, and Eeva paid for the purchases as Sawyer helped Sol put his winter things back on.
“Your receipt is in the bag,” the cashier told Eeva.
“Great. Thanks. Happy holidays,” Eeva responded, reaching for the cloth bags they’d brought with them.
The cashier frowned. “We say merry Christmas here,” she corrected forcefully.
Eeva froze, her face going a bit pale.
Sawyer stood from helping Sol and smiled brightly at the cashier. “Thank you so much for your well wishes. And let me also wish you a very happy Yule. May the gods and goddesses of darkness and light guide you on your journey to enlightenment.”
The cashier’s mouth hung open, and her eyes bulged.
Sawyer reached out and took their purchases from the counter with one hand; he gently placed his other on Eeva’s back.
She glanced over at him, and he smiled.
“Ready?” he asked cheerfully.
Eeva nodded.
Sol took Eeva’s hand, and the trio left the store as Sawyer flashed one more smile at the glaring cashier.
Chapter 9
Though Evergreen could not feel the warmth of Sawyer’s hand on her back through her winter coat, the gentle pressure was reassuring nonetheless.
Sawyer’s eyes swept the parking lot. “It doesn’t look like he’s here yet,” he said.
“It shouldn’t be too long,” Evergreen answered. “Let’s just have a seat over there.” She gestured toward a bench some twenty feet from the store’s entrance.
“Hey, I was supposed to carry the bags!” Sol protested as they started toward the seat.
“Oh, that’s right. I’m sorry, my friend.” Sawyer handed Sol the lightest bag. “Hold on tight. We don’t want to lose anything.”
Reaching the bench, Sol stared at it as he tried to work out how he would sit on the higher s
eat without dropping the bag.
“Why don’t I take that, and I can give it back once you’re comfortably seated?” Sawyer suggested to the boy.
He nodded, holding the bag out to Sawyer. Then, he climbed into the middle of the bench and demanded it back. Sawyer obliged.
Evergreen and Sawyer took seats on either side of the child.
Staring out at the parking lot, surrounded by massive mounds of plowed snow, Evergreen snickered to herself. She could see Sawyer turn to her from the corner of her eye, and she looked at him.
“That cashier certainly didn’t see that coming,” she said with a chuckle.
Sawyer’s voice was warm. “I’m sorry if I stole your thunder. You looked as though you could use an assist. I hope she didn’t upset you too much.”
Evergreen shook her head. “Nah, I was just surprised. You hang around with other Pagans too long, and you sort of forget just how few of us there are compared to everyone else. Plus, you know, you never expect someone to be so militant about something nice like happy holidays.”
“You don’t have campus crusaders at your university?”
Evergreen nodded. “Of course we do. But they don’t know when our student group meets. And we know when to expect them. We know they’ll show up to protest Pagan Pride Day and anything we actively advertise, so we’re ready to put on our thicker skins and ignore them.” She shrugged. “But I don’t know. I guess I just wasn’t ready this time.”
Sawyer nodded, his silence heavy with thought and maybe a twinge of sadness. Evergreen frowned. She didn’t like that feeling coming from him, and she mentally kicked herself for bringing up such topics.
“I wish people could leave us to be ourselves,” he murmured. “I wish we didn’t have to hide so much, that we didn’t have to fight so much.” He met her eyes. “I wish I could make it so you never had to be afraid to be your whole self, Eeva, that Sol could grow up and never learn what it means to keep a part of himself hidden.”
Evergreen’s chest ached at his words, and she had the urge to go back and give that cashier a piece of her mind. How dare she make Sawyer feel this way! But she knew it wouldn’t help even if she did. She sighed and shook her head. “This is the path we’ve chosen,” she said. “Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean we should give up. Maybe one day people will be more tolerant. Maybe by the time Sol is our age he can openly be himself without fear of retribution. In any case, that’s what we fight for. Isn’t it? And we will keep fighting, even if that day never comes.”
Sawyer nodded. “But it would be nice if we didn’t have to fight.”
Evergreen smiled at his soft-heartedness. “For how many centuries have we been fighting? At least we’re still around. Right? I mean, they haven’t stamped us out completely no matter how hard they tried. The old ways still survive, and I don’t think they’re going anywhere. There will always be those who hear the call of this path and follow it.”
“You’ve always had the heart of a warrior,” Sawyer murmured, his tone distant but smiling. “I remember that time you got detention for standing up in assembly and proclaiming that forcing us all to bow our heads and pray violated our rights.”
Evergreen grinned at the memory. “And you’ve always been the peacekeeper. If I recall, you went to the principal’s office and requested that if they insisted on praying that they should have a moment of silence as opposed to a Christian prayer so all students of different faiths may pray or abstain as they wish.”
Sawyer smiled warmly, and Evergreen felt that hint of sadness dissipate. “You inspired me. You always did.”
A shiver ran through Evergreen as her cheeks heated. She averted her eyes, looking back out toward the parking lot. “Yeah, well. That was a long time ago. A lot has changed since then.”
“So you aren’t still fired up to take on the establishment every chance you get?” he asked, his voice thick with mock astonishment.
“I’ve learned to pick my battles,” she answered. I’ve learned to be more like you, she thought.
“When is Uncle Wes coming?” Sol asked. “I’m hungry.”
Evergreen squinted down the street in search of her father’s car. There was no sign of it yet.
“You are? Well, then it’s a good thing I just so happen to have this chocolate chip granola bar in my pocket,” Sawyer said, taking the snack from his jacket and shaking it at the boy.
“Ooo! Can I have it?”
“Mmmm, I don’t know. It looks awfully delicious. Do you know the magic word?”
“Pleeeeaase!” Sol begged.
“Okay,” Sawyer agreed. “Let me open it for you.”
Evergreen watched the exchange, warmth spreading through her chest. “You really are good with him,” she murmured to herself, smiling softly.
She was relieved Sawyer hadn’t heard her over Sol’s squeals of delight. Because as he looked up and met her gaze again, her heart skipped a beat, and an old familiar feeling pooled in her stomach. No, she thought, crushing the feeling down. Not this time.
Chapter 10
Was that smile for me or Sol? Sawyer wondered as they all rode back to the retreat center. Wes was telling them about how he’d gotten stuff to make suet for the birds tomorrow, but Sawyer wasn’t really listening. He looked at Eeva out of the corner of his eye. She stared out the window, her thoughts her own.
He pictured the soft curve of her lips as she smiled after he’d given Sol the granola bar. His heartbeat echoed the pounding of fifteen minutes before. It was for me. Wasn’t it? he thought. She smiled when we talked about the past. She smiled, and I was right back to what it felt like back then. No. That’s not true. He knew himself too well to believe it was the same. When she’d smiled at him this time, he’d felt his heartbeat in his neck and fingertips. This wasn’t the crush of a shy schoolboy. This time it’s worse. It wasn’t the simple attraction he’d felt for others. This was different. This is Eeva. There’s no going back after this.
Sawyer took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I may be feeling like this, but that doesn’t mean Eeva is, he thought. She doesn’t even know me anymore. I can’t let this time be like the last time. I have to tell her this time for sure. And if she doesn’t feel the same… His chest squeezed painfully. Well, at least then I’ll know.
Once they arrived back at the center, Wes and Sawyer carried in the bags, and Eeva helped Sol from his car seat and ushered him into the house. They put the bags on the dining room table where Ria, Tara, and Cassandra were taking a break.
“How was your mission?” Ria asked her husband.
Wes nodded. “I think we got everything,” he answered before giving her a kiss. “And yours?”
She shrugged. “We got a load of laundry done and a few of the rooms cleaned. We can finish the rest tomorrow. Everything should be ready by the time everyone else arrives.”
As Sol cuddled happily on his mother’s lap, Tara tilted her head at Sawyer.
“What is it, Sawyer? You’re wearing your stressed face,” his mother said.
He shook his head. “Nothing, Mom. I’m fine. I’m just going to go outside and ground myself a bit.”
Sawyer left the dining room and went out the sliding glass door of the common room. The patio had been cleared of snow, but the lawn chairs that usually sat around the stone fire ring had been put away for the winter. Sawyer shuffled to the edge of the patio and stared into the woods behind the house, the dirt path showing in patches below the tree branches, thick with snow.
He breathed deep the freezing air, the chill tickling his nostrils and making him feel like he had to sneeze.
The sliding door opened and shut behind him, and his mom shuffled up beside him. He glanced over at her.
“Mom, what are you doing out here? You’re going to get cold with just a blanket,” he chided.
She smiled at his concern. “Oh, I won’t be out here for long.”
She stood by him in companionable silence, staring at the same path through the woods. “Ee
va told us what happened with the cashier at the craft store. Is that what has you upset?” she asked finally.
He shook his head. “No, I’m not upset. I’m… Mom, do ever wish you’d never married Dad? I mean, with how everything turned out.”
“No. Even though our marriage ended in divorce, even if I’m not in love with your father anymore, I will always be grateful to him. He gave me the greatest gift in life. Without him, I never would have had you. And being a mother… It’s what I was meant to do.”
Sawyer smiled softly to himself. “You are pretty awesome at it.”
“I know, right?” she said in a teasing tone. “So let me do my thing.” She cleared her throat formally. “What’s bothering you, son?”
Sawyer chuckled before letting his smile slip. He sighed. “It’s worse this time, Mom. I can already tell. It’s like while I was away from her I forgot what it was like to be in her presence, like I forgot how to breathe. And then I see her and she smiles, and it all comes rushing in like crushing water from a burst dam. I feel…desperate. Like I have to take one more deep breath before sinking below the surface.”
“And the water is…?”
“It’s the feeling I know is coming if I mess this up again.”
“What makes you so sure you’re going to mess it up?”
Sawyer shrugged. “I’m not. I’m just afraid I will. I did before. And she…she wasn’t exactly pleased to see me.”
His mother rubbed slow circles on his back. “You have such a good and kind heart, Sawyer. Why don’t you think she will see that?”
“Even if she does, that doesn’t mean she’ll choose me. She didn’t before.”
“Well, you didn’t tell her how you felt before either. And neither of you are the same as you were before. You can’t control whether she chooses you or not. You can only control how you act not how she reacts. You already know what you need to do. If you hadn’t already decided to be honest with her, you wouldn’t be this anxious. I know you’re scared. But courage is doing what’s hard despite that fear, right?”
“You’re right.”
