“Lev,” I scream, more frightened of begin separated than falling. He seems so still, as though everything is beyond him, and it tears through me. I claw at the air, trying to grab him, but the wind takes our bodies in different directions, separating us completely. I keep screaming his name; right now he is all I know. My body somersaults in the air, and I realize the earth is dangerously close to meeting me as I take things in from an upside-down angle in a perfect blue sky that seems to promise summer in spite of it being the start of winter—yet another broken dream.
I think of Jimmie and Griffin and how sorry I am things turned out this way for all of us. But being sorry doesn’t change anything.
“Lev, I love you,” I think, hoping wherever he is he can hear that one last thought.
Chapter Eighteen
I close my eyes and splay out my hands, as if that will help me against the impact. Suddenly I feel someone slide an arm around my abdomen and pull me close. The falling sensation stops.
“Lev?” I cry, jerking open my eyelids.
“No.”
I look up into Celia’s blue eyes. Her mouth is drawn into a tight line, and she appears to struggle in flight.
“Oh God, Celia! I thought I’d killed you. I’m so sorry.” The words gush out so fast. The world is spinning, and I can only keep my eyes open for a second. Otherwise, I’m going to vomit again.
“No, you didn’t kill me. You just stunned the crap out of me. Have to say I don’t want you to do that again.”
I feel myself drifting toward darkness, but she shakes me awake. “No sleeping, Elizabeth. You’ve got to stay with me so Evan can look at you.”
“My body hurts,” I murmur. “I just want to go to sleep.”
More shaking. “No such luck. Keep your eyes open. You go to sleep, you might not make it back.” We’re descending. I feel the world coming toward us, and I open my eyes to confirm it and clench them shut again.
“Where is Lev?”
“Evan’s got him.” Her clipped tone tells me she really doesn’t want to talk about this, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know things have gone horribly wrong—again.
“How did you know all this was happening?” My voice is breathy and weak. It’s taking so much energy to talk, but there’re so many questions I want to ask, no matter how hard it gets.
“Evan told me. I got there just in time to see you and Lev start to fall. Evan flew toward Lev, and I grabbed you.” She looks at my face. “Maybe you shouldn’t talk, Elizabeth, You are weak, and you need to save your strength.”
“How’s Lev?” I hold my breath, hoping her answer will be better than what I’m expecting. Please don’t tell me he’s gone. Please.
She stares ahead, her blue eyes troubled. “I don’t know. Probably not good; he was too weak to even fly.” Her feet touch the ground, an abrupt bump compared to how Lev usually glides in, his feet touching long before I ever realize we’ve landed.
“Where is the Triune?” I look around apprehensively, expecting they will be waiting for us.
“Evan says they are tending to Lepail’s injury. Apparently, he did not expect you would be able to attack him so easily or so successfully. It appears he won’t be rebounding as quickly as he thought.
A few steps ahead, I see Evan kneeling over Lev. Lev’s wings are still splayed, but they are broken and battered, much like his body. The former glow is gone, replaced by a pallor that reminds me of death.
“Lev?” I pull away from Celia to go to him, but Evan raises his hand to ward me off.
“Keep her back,” he tells Celia, who quickly grabs me again.
“Let go! I want to see him!” Even though I can’t see a lot of Lev because Evan’s body blocks my line of sight, what I can see is his body seems more broken than I imagined; he is so still it scares me.
“There’s nothing you can do,” Celia whispers. “Evan has to tend him.” She tries to embrace me and take away my pain, but I never stop struggling to get free. I have to get to him.
“Let me go!” I shout. Even as I try to pull free, it feels as though my body is too weak to fight. Tears spill down my face, and by some miracle I do get free, I fall in front of him. Evan tries to shield me, but I see the stillness well enough to know.
“No!” I shout. “You have to do something. You have to!”
“Elizabeth, you must not fight us,” Evan warns, gathering me in his arms. “What’s done is done.” His voice is soothing, and I know what he’s trying to do as he holds me and starts to lead me away from Lev.
“No! You have to go back and heal him—he needs you! You can’t just leave him!”
“Shhh,” Evan whispers, carrying me so easily despite the way I fight him at every moment. If I could just get free, I could go back to Lev. I’d find a way to help him. Somehow. It can’t be like this. It can’t!
“Lev!” I yell. “Please, take me back there.”
Evan frowns, and I can see the pain in his eyes. At that point, the pain in my body grabs me so forcefully I can do nothing except clench my eyes shut.
A couple of seconds, later there is no pain. Nothing. I don’t understand. So I open my eyes. The world has shifted. I find myself above the scene, looking down. My body is there, not in Evan’s arms anymore. I lie on the ground, and Evan is frantically doing CPR. His blond hair is usually brushed back from his face, but now, as he works so hard to save me, it falls towards his eyes, making him appear younger.
“Come on, Elizabeth—don’t you give up on me!” As he works on me, Celia kneels over Lev, touching his face. Both of them are crying. Does that mean both of us are dead?
Evan’s breathing for me, then he begins the compressions again, his movements fluid and constant. At first, I wonder why he doesn’t just do his supernatural thing. Then I think about what that resulted in the last time. Not good.
“Evan waits for you to make a decision.”
I turn and find the third angel of the Triune, Atmir, standing beside me. I jump.
He lifts his hands. “Relax, child. I will not harm you.”
“Why are you here? I would think you’d be glad I was dying.”
He folds his long arms across his chest. “I’m afraid your introduction to Lepail has given you the wrong impression of what we are supposed to be doing. Yes, I number myself in the Triune. That does not mean I agree either with Lepail or Turnoc at all times. In this case, I strongly disagree.”
I shake my head. “What exactly is the point of living when Lepail and Turnoc will come after me again—especially when it has destroyed the being that mattered most to me?” My voice softens and dies as I look over at Lev. “I can’t believe he’s really gone.”
“The future is not always clear, Elizabeth. You cannot see all your path at this moment, and what appears to be the truth may in fact be far from it.”
His whitish-blue eyes stare at Lev as Celia hovers over him, her expression worried. Atmir’s face is long and skinny, so different from the other angels I’ve known.
“So I’m supposed to just have faith everything will work out all right no matter how it looks now?”
He shrugs. “I cannot answer that for you. But I can tell you this: a life without faith isn’t much of a life.”
Neither is a life without Lev, I think, feeling tears burn my eyes. “I’m scared.”
He nods. “Yes, I know that. But you have very little time, and you need to make your choice. If you choose to stay, I will send your spirit back. Should you choose to go, I will carry your soul. It is a matter of direction now, Elizabeth.”
I flinch at his words. “I thought Lev would be my sojourner.” The world feels cold. I start shaking. Yeah, me, the one’s stuck without a body shouldn’t feel anything.
Atmir shakes his head. “Lev is beyond the duties of a sojourner. He cannot carry your soul when his is so close to that same journey. You must decide.”
“If you carry my soul, will I be with Lev?” My voice is thick with tears, and I just try to b
reathe.
“I cannot make such a promise, Elizabeth. No matter which path you take, it may not lead you to Lev. That is no basis for your decision.” He points to Evan. “Your chance is almost gone. In a few seconds, it will no longer be your choice. Do you understand what I am telling you?” He turns his ancient gaze my way.
I nod. Then I force myself to speak. “I want to go back to my body. I want to finish whatever has been left undone.”
Atmir smiles at me, and for a moment, I wonder what I misunderstand. Has he tricked me? Does he know something more than I do? Is there something I have yet to do of significance? How can I know the right path considering I’m blinded with pain and sadness? How can I know I have chosen wisely?
“You will never know which path is better, Elizabeth. You can only know the outcome of the one you choose. Farewell.”
Suddenly the pain returns, and I feel my chest burn as I gasp for enough air to fill my lungs. I start crying. The pain is so intense, and I cannot escape it, no matter what I do.
“Elizabeth! I am so glad to see you.” Evan’s hands hover above me, ready to begin compressions again should it be necessary. He keeps shaking his head as though he can’t quite believe I’m right in front of him. “I thought I’d lost you, and it was killing me.” His expression is shaken, and he seems stunned.
“It hurts,” I whisper. “Bad.” The pain stabs me constantly, and I’m cold--so cold. My body shakes convulsively, and I can’t make it stop.
He nods. “Hang in there. An ambulance is on the way.”
In the background, I hear the scream of sirens, and I force myself to peer into his eyes. “Lev--how is he?”
“We’ll talk about it later, Elizabeth. Right now, you need to save your strength, okay?” He tries to smile reassuringly, but I know something is wrong. He won’t tell me what is happening with Lev. He doesn’t want me to know the truth.
“No! I have to know.” The sound of the siren is deafening, and the colored lights whirl around us, bathing everything in red and blue. Knowing I am far too weak, I still try to stand. Evan keeps talking to me in that low, soothing tone, but I hear none of his words over my own screams. I just have to get to Lev. I have to.
Suddenly an EMT is there. Evan holds my arm. I see the needle hovering over my skin. I try to jerk away. I have to get to Lev. I have to.
The needle sinks into my flesh, and blackness washes over me completely.
The ticking wakes me, and I open my eyes to find myself in the white antiseptic hell of a hospital room. I can tell that much, even though my vision is blurry. Well, that answers my question about whether I’ve made it back or if Atmir had ferried my soul.
Jimmie sees my eyes open and jumps from the chair beside my bed to hover over me. His hand touches my face. “Lizzie. Baby. Can you hear me?”
“Jimmie,” I manage weakly and reach for his hand. “I can hear you.” Tears fill my eyes, and I’m so glad to see him. I try to sit up, but Jimmie gently holds my shoulder.
“You need to rest, Lizzie. You almost died.”
Which only reminds me of Lev and makes me want to get up all the more. “Lev. Where is he?”
“If you lie back down I’ll tell you.”
Stubborn Jimmie. What was I expecting? I force myself to stop struggling even though that’s far from what I want. Then again, as weak as I feel, I probably wouldn’t make it that far, anyway. Jimmie’s hand hovers there for a moment, and when he finally moves it away, I stare at him expectantly, waiting for his end of the bargain.
“He’s down the hall from you.” His voice is quiet.
My head is swimming with confusion. “Is that the morgue? Why would they take him there? He’s an angel.”
Jimmie arches his eyebrows questioningly. “He’s not dead, Lizzie. Granted, he’s in bad shape, like you, but that’s a far cry from needing cold storage.” He slips his hand over my forehead, probably checking for a fever.
“I’m not delusional, Jimmie. Lev looked dead, and I thought I’d lost him.” If I close my eyes, even for one moment, I see his face, ashen, eyes closed. He’s so still, like I’ve never seen him. Even though it’s just a memory, I shudder.
“You okay?” Jimmie asks, grabbing my hand.
I open my eyes and really look at him. He’s wearing a thick stubble that has more grey in it than the reddish-blonde I’m used to. His blue eyes are bloodshot, and dark circles pool under his eyes. His hand trembles as he brushes his fingers across the top of my hand, and I can tell he’s afraid.
“How long have I been here?” I lift my other hand to brush through my hair, but that’s the one with the IV. I quickly change my mind. The last thing I need is to tangle my hair with the IV, which, considering my luck, would definitely happen.
“Three days.” Jimmie eyes me one last time, and I guess he figures I’m not going anywhere; he finally sits back down. “For a while, it was touch-and-go. You almost died twice.” He averts his gaze, and I can tell he’s been having some nightmares of his own. As hard as it is for me to think about losing Lev, Jimmie can’t bear the thought of anything happening to me, which means it’s a good thing I’m still here. Jimmie has given so much to raise me, and I know he loves me. Always has.
“I’m gonna be okay. I promise.”
“Yeah,” he says, swallowing hard. “I know.”
I nod at the water. “I’m thirsty.”
He quickly stands and adjusts the head of this bed so I’m sitting up. Although I feel my body shifting with the bed and it hurts, I manage to keep my expression neutral so Jimmie won’t know. Right now he’s pretty scared of most anything, and I don’t want to add to that. He hands me a half-full cup of water and a straw, and I drink it all, amazed at how good the cold water tastes and feels going down my throat.
“Has Lev regained consciousness yet?” I lick my dry lips.
Jimmie shakes his head. “No, not yet.” His frown deepens, and he looks at the floor like he’s completely at a loss for how to comfort me. I guess what he doesn’t realize is there is no way to comfort me through this one. I love Lev. I think I’ve always loved him, even before this lifetime began, and trying to stop now because I could lose him would be futile. It’s like fighting fate, which I’ve done my share of, and it never turns out well. So no matter what happens, I have to ride this one out.
“Can I see him?”
He squeezes my hand. “It’s a small miracle you’re even alive, baby. I don’t want to tempt fate and get you out of this bed yet, okay? Please, take my word; you can’t change what is happening with him. Lord knows, I’ve been trying to do that with you. Only God knows the things I’ve promised in the last three days just to get you back.” He closes his eyes for a moment, as though he’s trying to deal with something, and then he opens his them. “You need to rest, baby. Tomorrow we’ll see about getting you up and around, okay?”
I want to argue with him, probably because I have to believe my love can save Lev, even if nothing else can, but Jimmie is right. I’m too weak to go anywhere. I’m still not sure what Lepail did to me, and I really don’t want to know. I just want to get stronger and stop this pain cutting through my body.
“Have you been here all three days?” I ask, pushing the button on the side of the bed to lower it again.
“Yeah. I couldn’t bear to leave you.” Jimmie rakes his fingers through his hair. “I wanted to be here when you opened your eyes.”
“Thank you.” I stare at his face and see how tired he looks, and I know he needs a break. “But you should take a break from this white room before I send you to the funny farm.”
“Lizzie,” he starts to argue, but I raise my hand.
“I’ll still be here when you come back. But right now you need some time to rest and relax. Okay?”
He squeezes my hand. “I’m scared to leave you. What if something happens?”
I squeeze back. “It won’t. Now scram.”
He leans down and kisses my cheek. “I love you, Lizzie. You know that,
right?”
I smile, thinking of all the times he used to tell me that when I was little. “Of course I do—and I love you, too.”
He finally releases my hand and stands. As he straightens, his knee joints pop, and I laugh. “Sounds like you’ve been sitting in that chair way too long, Jimmie.”
Nodding, he looks down at his legs, as if that’s going to tell him anything. “You’re definitely right on that score. Guess I’ll go get a shower and some sleep.” He gives me one last concerned glance before heading out the door.
Once he leaves, I exhale, relieved I don’t have to pretend I don’t feel any pain because yes, I’m definitely feeling it. I just don’t want to hurt Jimmie, especially not after accidentally discharging my power on him. I’m still amazed he’s not afraid of me, considering how unpleasant that must have been.
I start to push the television button when I see an older man slip into the room. At first, I think he’s got the wrong room because his eyes appear filmed over with cataracts. But then, for some reason, he appears familiar. I just don’t know why. He’s tall, really tall, and he looks about seventy, I’m guessing. It totally takes me aback when he strides over to the chair Jimmie just occupied and sits.
“How do you feel, Elizabeth?”
I swallow hard, suddenly uncomfortable. “Do I know you?” I’m searching his worn and wrinkled face, but I can’t place him.
“In another form, yes.” Suddenly his features blur for just a second, and I realize Atmir sits there, his long hands relaxing atop the arm rests. Even sitting down, he appears tall, and it’s really disconcerting to see him in human clothes rather than angelic robes. While Lev and the others blend easily, it would be pretty hard for the Triune to appear like others do—either that or I just know far too much about them to ever feel comfortable with them walking among us.
Anathema (Sojourner Series Book 4) Page 18
