“You still taste of beer,” Calum whispered. “Christ, why do I love kissing you so much?”
He pressed his lips against Jasper’s and slid his hands over his back and up to his neck to hold him exactly where he wanted him. Jasper’s hands gripped Calum’s butt under his coat, his fingers grinding the seam of his jeans into the crease. Then they were shedding clothes, pulling at each other’s buttons while they kept their faces together in a frantic lips-nose-tongue kiss that grew wilder by the moment.
They left a trail of clothes along the hall, up the stairs and the length of the landing as they stumbled and laughed and snogged their way to the bedroom. Calum broke away, panting, his gaze fixed on Jasper. Calum was naked while Jasper still wore black socks—and that bracelet.
“Think I’ve got socks-appeal?” Jasper asked.
“Loads of it, but I want you naked as me.”
Calum pushed Jasper to lie back on the bed and then pulled the socks off with his teeth. When Jasper felt Calum’s lips around his toes, he shuddered, closed his eyes and wrapped his fist around his cock. One nip of his big toe and all but a couple of Jasper’s organs turned to soup.
“Like that?” Calum asked.
“Speak. Can’t. Sense. What. Fuck.”
Calum laughed. Jasper opened his eyes and pointed to the bedside cabinet. “Lube, condoms, nipple clamps, handcuffs, raclette.”
“What?” Calum gaped at him.
“It was a joke.”
Calum narrowed his eyes. “Which of them don’t you have?”
“The raclette’s downstairs.”
Calum yanked open the drawer and threw lube and a string of condoms onto the bed. “I don’t know what the hell a raclette is, but we’ll leave that for another time.”
He pushed up Jasper’s legs and leaned through the V to lick his nipples. When he drew his teeth in tight and tugged, Jasper sucked in a breath at the bite of pain.
“Aaah shiiiit,” he hissed.
Calum licked him all better and then bit him again. Jasper held Calum’s head, fingers threading his hair, pulling him off, pushing him down. The rough stubble of Calum’s cheek, together with his hot, wet tongue had Jasper writhing. Calum lowered himself onto Jasper, pushing their cocks together, and they rutted, lips joined, panting into each other’s mouth. Jasper slid his fingers into the seam of Calum’s backside and massaged his butt cheeks with his palms.
Calum licked his way to Jasper’s neck and whispered, “I want to fuck you so bad. Can I?”
What could Jasper say but yes? It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be fucked by Calum, but he had to push back the disappointment that once again he was on the bottom.
Note to self: I have to talk to him about this.
Tomorrow.
Mmm.
Maybe the day after.
Chapter Eighteen
Jasper melted under Calum’s caress. He still couldn’t quite believe the cowboy was here. In my bed. Jasper lay on his side, Calum behind him, panting into his ear as he held up Jasper’s leg and slid into him. So good, but I wish I was doing this to you. It took only moments before Calum grunted and cried out, his hips jerking as he spurted into Jasper. Jasper’s hand pumped at his cock but his heart wasn’t in it. They needed to talk. Now. Not tomorrow or the day after.
Barely a heartbeat passed before Calum withdrew. He pulled Jasper onto his back and buried his face in his shoulder. Jasper’s hand fell from his softening cock. He slid the condom from Calum’s dick, put it aside and then wrapped him tight in his arms. Another heartbeat and Calum was asleep.
A smile curved Jasper’s lips at how fast Calum had zonked out, though the smile didn’t last. He hadn’t had the chance to talk to Calum about the rape. Back in Wyoming, Calum had blurted it out, rushed off, and Ring and Pete had burst in. Jasper guessed the rape was at the root of Calum’s reluctance to bottom, but how the hell could he bring it up? Maybe Calum didn’t want to talk about it—ever. What if he thought merely telling Jasper was enough? If they only had this week together, then maybe it should be left to rest, but that meant always being the subservient partner. That’s not me. And the longer it went on, the harder it would be to do anything about it.
Jasper had no idea how to handle this. Or if he should even try to. Fuck it. Maybe he was already handling it by lying here and holding Calum and saying nothing. Jasper brushed his cheek against Calum’s tousled hair. He was the first guy he’d ever had in this bed. Not that he’d wanted it that way, but Jasper was cautious. He never rushed into anything.
Usually.
“I’m sorry,” Calum whispered.
Jasper stiffened. Had he even been asleep? “What for?”
“For not coming back to your room soon enough,” Calum mumbled into Jasper’s shoulder. “For what Ring and Pete did. For not letting you fuck me.”
Jasper tightened his hold. “First of all, you’re not responsible for Ring and Pete’s actions.”
“Yeah, I am. If I’d taken it more seriously about the burr under the saddle, the sandwich making you sick, the stuff about the mountain lion, maybe I’d have been able to stop what followed. If I hadn’t shown any interest in you, they’d never have picked on you like that.”
Jasper shuffled down so that he lay face-to-face with Calum. “But I showed interest in you as well. And you did come back to my room, which was the important thing. If you hadn’t spotted those beads, the outcome would be very different. You saved my life. I don’t think I ever said thank you.” Jasper kissed him. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Jasper smiled. “What lovely manners.”
Calum thumped him in the kidney. Not hard.
“What did your father think about you coming over here?”
Calum winced and then stroked Jasper’s neck. “Pointed out a whole load of reasons why it was a bad idea. I had to come. I have to… I want to…” He shuddered and pulled away to sit on the edge of the bed with his back to Jasper.
Jasper swung his legs on either side of Calum’s hips and sat behind him to massage his shoulders, pressing his thumbs into tight muscles, willing Calum to talk.
After a couple of minutes’ silence, Jasper gave in.
“I’ve never found it easy to talk about personal things,” Jasper said. “I think that’s true for most men, but even as a boy, if I had a problem, I kept quiet. I was bullied at school for a long time and it was only Ben blabbing to our father that eventually stopped it. I was geeky, wore glasses, always did my homework, always came top of every test and it was my hand that rose in response to questions no one else could answer. The phrase ‘Teacher’s pet’ could have been coined for me. I appeared on the surface to be the perfect child—biddable, smart, polite, always well groomed.”
“Christ, I’d have bullied you.”
“No, you wouldn’t.” Jasper pressed his thumbs harder into the knotted muscle, and Calum rolled his shoulders with a moan. “The thing is, below the surface I was different. Sex mad, constantly jacking off in the school toilets after I’d showered surrounded by cocks, not understanding why boys’ butts turned me on, why I was entranced by the size and shape of those dicks, fascinated in the way balls hung and knowing that if anyone caught me even taking a glance, I was dead. My Latin teacher was an accident waiting to happen.” Jasper took a deep breath. “Not quite an accident. It was me who seduced him.”
Calum sighed. “You were fourteen. He should have said no.”
Jasper kneaded down the sides of Calum’s spine. “I was very persuasive and I feel the guilt of that even now.”
“He should have said no.” Calum turned to look at him.
“He did. I ignored him. Christ, I don’t know what had got into me that day. Desperation maybe. I unzipped him, took his cock in my mouth and made him mine.”
Calum’s Adam’s apple rose and fell. “He could have stopped you.”
Jasper nodded. “You’re right, but it must have been like a dream come true for him. A fantasy he might have
jacked off to but never imagined acting on. Sex with one of his pupils. So did I create a monster? Would he have ever thought of touching Ben if I hadn’t encouraged him to touch me in the first place? See why I feel guilty? The consequences are that I never, ever make the first move on a guy.”
“I don’t remember throwing myself at you.” Calum leaned back so his head rested on Jasper’s shoulder.
“I said you were perfect for me. We collided head-on.” Jasper snuggled tighter to Calum’s back and swept his arms round to hug him. His fingers brushing the scars from the lion attack. It was a reminder of how close Calum had been to death.
He could feel Calum’s heart pounding under his palm, the rapid rise and fall of his chest, the tension in his body. Jasper kissed Calum’s neck and waited.
“I got a fucking erection and I came.” Calum rushed out the words.
Jasper held him close because he understood what Calum had just confessed. The tension evaporated and Calum shrank in his arms.
“I must have wanted it, right?” Calum whispered.
“Of course not. It means nothing that you came.”
“Don’t talk crap.”
Jasper hugged him tighter as Calum tried to move away.
“They got me on my back. One guy sat behind me, his thighs pinning down my arms, holding my legs up while the other guy fucked me and I not only got an erection, I fucking came all over my chest.”
All the tension flooded back and it was like holding a piece of stone. Jasper swallowed hard. “You think that means you must have enjoyed it?”
“I fucking didn’t enjoy it, but other people would think that, wouldn’t they? That’s what they’d have said if I’d reported it.”
“Listen,” Jasper whispered in his ear. “Ejaculation is not the same as orgasm. It’s an involuntary physiological reaction. They wanted you to come because they knew you’d be ashamed and at the same time it lessened their guilt. It doesn’t mean you wanted to be raped or that you enjoyed it. Just because you were aroused does not mean you consented.”
Jasper felt the tension sliding from Calum, but he didn’t loosen his grip.
“I couldn’t tell anyone,” Calum muttered.
“I know.”
“We’re supposed be able to protect ourselves.”
He sounded like a little kid, not a grown man, and Jasper’s heart ached for what had happened to him. “Not against two guys, and it seems to me there’s no right or wrong in keeping quiet. I get why you said nothing, why a lot of rape victims keep quiet. Talking about it somehow makes you the victim you tried not to be. You can’t know how family and friends will react, or the police, or what the bloody bastard rapists would claim. But one thing’s certain, you have to stop thinking that in some way you wanted it, or you’ll never get over what happened.”
Calum dragged Jasper’s arm up to his mouth. “I didn’t even freak out,” he mumbled into his wrist.
“Because most guys wouldn’t. I bet you were calm and composed afterward, maybe a bit subdued. It’s the way men cope, but you’ve buried the issue in shifting sands. You’re still struggling.”
“How come you know so much?”
“I read the back of cereal packets.”
Calum sighed. “I want you to top me, I’m just worried I’ll freak out or…”
“Or what?”
“Not get hard,” Calum blurted.
Jasper kissed his neck. “You don’t think I wouldn’t understand?”
“It’s not you I’m worried about. I did try once to let someone top me. My head filled with flashes of what happened before, what they did and said, and my cock stayed limp. I swore I’d never let myself feel that helpless again and now I’m frightened how I’ll react with you because I don’t want—”
“It’s okay,” Jasper whispered. He pulled Calum back so he lay flat on the bed and then settled next to him. “I can wait.”
“But—”
Jasper put his finger over Calum’s lips. “When it’s right. I would never push this. I will never hurt you.”
“Hold me,” Calum whispered.
“Always.”
That was the sound of my heart breaking.
Calum woke with a jolt, for a moment disorientated. When he realized he was alone in the bed, his heart thumped. Is it over already? Fuck, I shouldn’t have told him. He turned and his cheek landed on a piece of paper.
You looked so peaceful, I thought I’d let you sleep. Breakfast downstairs when you’re ready.
Calum exhaled. He levered himself out of bed, stretched and took in what he’d been too distracted to notice last night. Jasper’s bedroom was…stark. Light wood furniture, light brown carpet, cream drapes. But the bronze of the pair of them sat on the top of a chest of drawers on an eye line with the bed. Calum’s bag lay in the corner, the clothes he’d discarded last night, neatly piled on top. Calum thought of the clutter in his bedroom and gulped.
The bathroom was tiled floor to ceiling, the showerhead above a place where the floor dipped, a circular drain in the center. The towels hung in a regimented line on a sail-shaped set of chrome rails. It was hard to believe anyone had ever used the room.
A hot shower revived Calum’s spirits and he pulled on boxers and jeans before he went barefoot down the stairs. More pale paint on the walls, the same carpet everywhere. He heard Jasper hiss “Shit” and pushed open a door at the end of the hall to find him crouched down in the kitchen. Calum smiled. Here was the mess, pans and packets all over the counters, egg all over the floor.
“Morning,” Calum said.
Jasper stood and growled. “You look good enough to eat. And that’s just as well because I’m not sure breakfast will be edible.” He pulled Calum into his arms and kissed him. “Yep, definitely good enough to eat.”
Calum laughed and pulled away. “What are you trying to do here?”
Jasper sighed. “I nipped out to buy the sort of things you served on the ranch. I thought I’d better have a practice first. The results are in the bin.”
“What were you trying to cook?”
“Toast.”
Calum laughed.
“Eggs, bacon, pancakes. Who knew it was so hard to crack an egg without breaking the yoke?”
“Want me to do it?” Calum asked.
“You can cook?”
“I can do breakfast.”
Jasper stepped aside. “Be my guest. I’ll clean up the mess.”
Calum kind of liked that Jasper wasn’t perfect, though it did occur to him that this might have been deliberate. When he caught sight of the burned eggs in the trash can, he changed his mind.
“Is there anything you’re desperate to do today?” Jasper asked.
“Nothing I’m desperate to do.” Except fuck you.
“Good.” Jasper came up behind him.
Calum shivered when Jasper’s hands slid over his chest. The feel of Jasper’s breath hitting his neck made his cock stir.
“Oh God, I can’t believe you’re here,” Jasper whispered. “I think that had to be the best surprise of my life.”
Calum chuckled. “Set two places and get me a couple of plates.”
“Yes, chef.”
Jasper chattered away as Calum cooked and he sensed Jasper’s anxiety, as if he was afraid to leave a gap in the conversation. Christ, is this going to sit between us like a sheet of toughened glass? Maybe he’d be better to drag Jasper upstairs and tell him to go ahead and fuck him.
Calum put the food on the table and Jasper groaned as he stared at the plate. “Oh God, it looks delicious. I can’t tell you how excited I am. Well, I probably don’t need to. I haven’t shut up, have I? I want to take you everywhere and show you everything. London is a fantastic city—well, if you ignore the traffic and crowds. But not just London, the UK’s stunning too. Admittedly not the open plains—oh shut up, Jasper.”
Maybe it wasn’t anxiety, just excitement, and it was infectious.
By the time they were dressed and ready to leave the ho
use, Calum was buzzing too. Jasper had told him to put on the oldest things he’d brought, which wasn’t a problem, but Calum couldn’t help laughing at Jasper’s version of old.
“You look as though you’re going to dine with the Queen,” Calum said.
“Hey, I’ve left off my tie.”
Calum sniggered.
“Bring your coat. We’ll be doing this outside.”
Jasper carried a bag out to the car and put it in the trunk.
“Where are we going?” Calum asked.
“Surprise.”
Two hours later, after they’d passed through a village called Camber, they paid to park in a small lot, and Jasper led Calum up a sandy track. As they reached the top, Calum’s jaw dropped. Ahead stretched a line of undulating dunes, followed by an expanse of flat sand and then water. The sea.
“Christ,” Calum whispered.
He took a deep breath. The air smelled different—fresh, untainted, salty. A cloud hid the sun and the color of the sea changed from dark blue to dull gray. Calum looked up. Not the wide blue skies of Wyoming, but there was a lot of blue up there.
Jasper slung his arm over Calum’s shoulder. He didn’t say anything and Calum was glad. He wanted to drink this in—the water, the sand, the wind. It calmed him somehow. How could he worry about things when there was a vastness like this to drown his concerns?
“Thank you,” Calum whispered.
“Have you seen the sea before?”
“Not for real. Are we going to swim?”
“You can. I’ve got more sense. It’ll be freezing.” Jasper glanced at his watch. “We should have time to get to the surf. Come on.”
He ran down the sand dunes and Calum whooped and followed. Once the sand turned hard underfoot, the going was easier and he ran alongside Jasper until they reached the water. Jasper was breathing heavily.
“You okay?” Calum asked. “Don’t tell me you forgot your inhaler.”
“In my pocket. I’m fine.”
Calum jumped back as a wave rushed toward his feet. He turned to Jasper. “I really want to go in.”
Cowboys Down Page 24
