“Okay.”
Calum thought it was ironic he’d agree to pretty much anything Jasper wanted to do and yet found it so hard to say yes to being fucked. Much as the idea of base jumping scared the shit out of him, if Jasper had thrown himself off a cliff, Calum suspected he’d have followed. He wanted to make Jasper happy, he wanted to do things together, and while he was okay about going out, Calum would have been just as happy to stay in and watch a movie. Anything, as long as he was with Jasper.
Jasper would have liked to stay in, order pizza and watch a movie, but with Calum only there for a week, he was desperate to show him what he and London had to offer in the hope that Calum would stay longer, want to come back, maybe not want to leave.
“Wear your tie,” Calum said. “That thin gray one. Leave it loose at the neck over a white cotton shirt, top button unfastened.”
Jasper laughed. “Anything else?”
“Blue chinos.”
Calum pulled on jeans and a T-shirt that said Dirty Cowboy across the front. Jasper rolled his eyes.
“I bought it at the airport,” Calum said. “Oh, and Angie sent you yet another bracelet in case you get lost again.” He handed it to Jasper. “I keep thinking, what if—”
“Don’t,” Jasper said and tied the bracelet around Calum’s wrist. “Let’s not tempt fate.”
He looked at Calum then, thinking how near death he’d been, and saw the same thought cross Calum’s mind. Their hands joined for a moment, and Jasper squeezed Calum’s fingers.
They went into London by double-decker bus and sat on the top in the front seats. Calum was like a small boy and his childish excitement was infectious. Jasper pointed out landmarks and kept up a barrage of trivia.
“London has three-thousand five-hundred pubs, over two hundred museums, more than one hundred theaters and over two hundred gay and lesbian bars and clubs.”
“How come you know so much?” Calum asked.
“My father told me, well, not about the gay bars.”
“Did he know you were gay?”
Jasper rubbed his jaw. “We never talked about it. I think the fact that I never mentioned girls, never went out with girls must have registered, but after Ben had his accident, my dad stopped noticing a lot of things.”
“And have you been to all two hundred bars and clubs?”
Jasper shook his head. “I’ve been to a few but…”
“But what?”
“When you’re on your own, they’re like a meat market and I seemed to attract the wrong…well, it will be different with two of us because we’re not looking for anyone.”
“Speak for yourself,” Calum said.
Jasper grabbed him in a headlock and rubbed his knuckles into his scalp. Calum laughed as he pushed him off and levered himself upright again.
What was it about this guy that made him feel like a kid again? It was as though Jasper was relearning how to have fun.
They ate in a Thai restaurant where diners reclined on the floor around low tables. The waiting staff was so taken with Calum’s outspoken delight they kept bringing small dishes of food for him to try. Jasper smiled as he watched Calum eat.
“More than five thousand restaurants in London,” Jasper said.
“You’re beginning to sound like a Texan.”
“Ah, showing off, sorry. I just… I want…”
Calum’s hand settled on his. “I know.”
I’m trying too hard to make him happy. Even so, Jasper had already decided not to go to work next week. He still had days left and though taking leave again so soon would be frowned on, if they said no, he thought he might just walk out and never go back.
Except I won’t.
Only what if I did?
His heart hammered in his chest. Calum had taken a chance and come halfway around the world without telling him, why shouldn’t Jasper take back control of his life? But then, if Calum wasn’t part of his future, what did it matter?
Jasper had to fight hard not to let his anxiety show. If he wasn’t careful, he’d ruin the time they had by worrying about the time they wouldn’t have.
They walked from the restaurant to a club near Charing Cross Station.
Calum nodded at a flashing vertical white sign. “Zero. That where we’re headed?”
“Yep.”
“Been here before?”
“A couple of times. It’s tamer than some of the other clubs.”
Calum grinned. “You mean we get to keep our socks on?”
Jasper laughed. Calum slipped his arm around him as they stepped inside and a rush of pleasure in the show of affection made Jasper flush with heat. They checked their coats and headed toward the music.
Calum gasped as they walked into the main room. “Geez.”
The room was packed with guys, the heavy beat of the music shaking the floor in Saturday night fever. Most of those dancing were young and slim and in various forms of undress. Older guys stood on the edge, watching bodies they longed to have in more ways than one gyrate to the music. Somehow they were always the ones Jasper attracted. Calum’s hand dropped to grip Jasper’s and tightened.
“Don’t let me go,” he said in Jasper’s ear. “I don’t want to get lost.”
Never.
Jasper bought beers, managing not to wince at the cost, and they leaned back against the circular glass bar and looked out onto the dance floor. Sweaty guys rocked and rolled and writhed against each other, bare chests glistening under the lights. Hips kissed, circled and bumped, bulges evident at groins. Hands fondled, groped and stroked, inside and outside pants.
“This is tamer?” Calum asked in an incredulous voice.
“It’s been awhile since I came.”
Jasper hadn’t remembered it being quite so raunchy. His gaze wandered to a couple in the corner and he gulped. If they weren’t having sex, they were making a good job of looking as if they were. Maybe this hadn’t been a good idea. He and Calum would have a dance and leave.
A tall, slim, good-looking black guy in his forties sidled up. “You two together?”
“Yes,” Calum spoke before Jasper could.
“Looking for a third?” the guy asked.
“No, sorry.” Jasper moved closer to Calum, a spike of jealousy searing a hole in his gut.
“Shame.” The guy smiled and moved on.
Only to be followed by another, a short older man in black leather pants.
“Looking?” he asked.
“No,” Calum and Jasper spoke together.
“Pity.” The guy wandered off again.
“Christ,” Calum whispered. “It must be your aftershave.”
“It was you he wanted, idiot.”
Calum elbowed him. “You’re the idiot.”
As they stood drinking, Jasper caught the gaze of several men and moved closer to Calum before they got the wrong idea. Calum was not available.
“I want to dance,” Calum said. “Think if we pick a quiet corner no one will notice us making fools of ourselves?”
Since Calum shone like a bloody beacon, Jasper doubted it. Calum grabbed his tie and pulled him into the middle of the dance floor.
“This isn’t a quiet corner,” Jasper said.
“Changed my mind. I’m done hiding.”
Calum began to dance and Jasper’s jaw dropped. The cowboy had an innate sense of rhythm, his movements exactly in tune with the music, his hips swaying like a snake, his face wreathed in a broad smile.
“Dance,” Calum urged.
“Can’t.”
“This was your idea.”
“Concrete shoes,” Jasper mumbled.
Calum wrapped his arms around him and kicked his feet. As Jasper began to sway in sync, Calum licked his throat.
“Oh God, I can’t dance and do anything else at the same time,” Jasper said with a moan.
But he could and he did. With Calum’s encouragement Jasper slowly unwound until he forgot where he was. The music and Calum filled his head. The only man he
could see was the cowboy. Calum had stolen his heart and Jasper knew he’d never get it back.
Jasper tripped as they stepped out into the night, only Calum’s grip kept him upright. Jasper hadn’t drunk that much. Just being in Calum’s company made him lightheaded.
“I was thinking of punching the next guy who came on to you,” Calum said. “Either that or get them to line up and charge them.”
“Me? It was you they couldn’t take their eyes off.”
They argued good-naturedly about which of them had been the target of all the cruising. Guy after guy had strolled past, flirting with their eyes, flashing follow-me smiles, some of them made blatant advances.
“Christ, of course they wanted you,” Calum said. “Just look at you.” He caught Jasper’s tie and pulled him round for a kiss.
Jasper chuckled. “That’s why you wanted me to wear it? Want me to get a collar and lead?”
“Would you?” Calum opened his eyes wide.
Jasper knew he was joking but he growled deep in his throat. “Better run, little boy, before this wolf eats you.”
Calum scampered down the road, high on life, and Jasper bolted after him. Another breathless kiss in an alley, another on a street corner before they carried on heading toward the river, pushing and shoving, cuddling and teasing. Calum was effervescent with happiness, and it made Jasper almost burst with pleasure. Everything they saw, Calum loved. Everything they did, he marveled at.
“London’s fantastic,” Calum said.
“The buildings are beautiful.
“Tower Bridge is gorgeous.
“The people are amazing.”
Calum wanted to go on the London Eye, and see the city from above, but it was closed. He wanted to go on the Thames, but the boats had stopped running. Tomorrow, tomorrow, Jasper promised and wondered how he could deny this guy anything.
Jasper eventually hailed a cab. He had a feeling Calum would have wandered around all night, and then as they sat in the back of the taxi, he wondered if that’s exactly what Calum had hoped for because he didn’t want to let Jasper to fuck him. Ah crap.
They held hands, but Calum had his face pressed to the window. Was he seeing the other side of the capital now? The grubby pubs at street corners with their faded plastic flowers decorating hanging baskets, the bands of hooded youths lurking in shop precincts, their oversize jeans clinging to their hips by sheer willpower, the seedy underside of the city with drug dealers, drug takers, pimps and prostitutes, male and female and somewhere in between.
“What a fucking amazing city,” Calum whispered. “But I don’t know how you can stand to live here. It’s exciting and manic, and beautiful and ugly all at the same time.”
Jasper’s heart shriveled.
Calum turned to look at him. “Makes me realize how much I take Wyoming skies and the quietness for granted. I’d go crazy here.”
Jasper thought if he opened his mouth now, a sob might escape.
The cab dropped them back at the house, and Jasper stumbled as he walked to his front door. Calum laughed and propped him up.
“You shouldn’t have had that last drink,” Calum said.
Jasper wished he was drunk. He’d tried hard to get drunk but had stayed distressingly sober. Calum took the keys from Jasper’s pocket and opened the door.
“Need to lie down,” Jasper mumbled and headed for the stairs.
Calum followed. By the time Calum emerged from the bathroom, Jasper was putting on the performance of his life as a man sound asleep. He lay naked on his stomach under the duvet, face planted in the pillow, and under it his fist was clenched tight. The bed dipped as Calum climbed in the other side.
“What’s wrong?” he whispered.
To speak or not to speak? By the time Jasper accepted he ought to say something, he’d felt Calum turn away and the bedside light went off. How hard was it to tell Calum how he felt? He just had to open his mouth and let those three words out.
Only Jasper had never said them to anyone since he’d last said them to Ben.
Nothing was wrong.
Everything was wrong.
Jasper wanted Calum to stay. He didn’t want to let him go, and every moment they spent together made the thought of their parting more painful. And yet he knew how idiotic that was. Wasn’t Ben’s accident enough of a lesson? Seize hold of every second of time you’re given. The thought of not having Calum in his life made Jasper physically hurt.
Jasper rolled over at the precise moment Calum rolled to face him.
“I love you,” Jasper blurted.
Then he saw Calum’s eyes were closed and he was sleeping.
Calum didn’t move a muscle. Oh Christ. It would be the easiest thing in the world to open his eyes and say those words back, so why couldn’t he?
Because Jasper had only said them because he thought Calum was asleep. Or maybe Jasper was talking in his sleep.
Fuck it. Open your eyes. Say it back. But when Calum’s eyes opened, Jasper’s were closed, the regular puffs of air from his mouth evidence that he was sleeping. Calum closed his eyes and whispered, “I love you too.”
Jasper didn’t stir. His breathing stayed the same.
Calum had never slept with a guy before. He’d dozed after sex, but never spent the entire night in a guy’s bed. He hadn’t wanted to. Now, he couldn’t think of anywhere he’d rather be. Except instinct told him he’d upset Jasper in some way. Something he’d said? Done? Not done?
Calum lay awake, rerunning everything and came up with nothing. So it had to be because he hadn’t let Jasper fuck him. Maybe Jasper didn’t want to be fucked. Maybe he thought he was doing Calum a favor by not pushing. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
After he’d lain awake for an hour, wishing the word “maybe” didn’t fucking exist, Calum slid out of bed, pulled on his boxers and padded out of the bedroom. He wasn’t tired, but wired. In the kitchen, he poured himself a glass of milk and went in search of something to read. The room opposite the lounge was a study, shelves lined with paperbacks, DVDs and CDs, and facing the window was a desk with a laptop and printer. Calum put the milk on the desk, and as he ran his gaze over the books, he frowned. Advances in Equine Nutrition. Textbook of Veterinarian Anatomy. Fundamentals of Biochemistry. Neurophysiology.
“I studied veterinary science at university,” Jasper said.
Calum spun round in shock. Jasper stood in the doorway wearing boxers, his dark hair mussed.
“You’re a vet?” Calum asked. “Is that how you knew about the laminitis and the tumor?”
“I’m not a vet. I didn’t finish my degree.”
“Why not?”
“I needed to earn more than I would as a vet.”
Calum frowned. “Why?”
“There was the mortgage to pay on the house where my mum and Ben lived. Wages for additional care assistants. Money for all sorts of crap—extra heating, another opinion from yet another consultant, state-of-the-art equipment for Ben. I tried to keep studying. I really wanted to be a vet, but after a full day at the university, I had to work in a bar every night just to keep us afloat, only we were sinking faster and faster. When my uncle offered me a job, I took it. Ben told me not to do it, but my mother pleaded with me to work for my uncle. I thought I could maybe go back to studying at some point in the future, but then Ben died, my mother needed care too and I was trapped.”
Jasper turned to look at the books. “Don’t know why I kept them really. I’m thirty-one. The dream’s over.”
“Why does your mother need care?”
“She has Alzheimer’s. She doesn’t remember who I am. And sometimes I think I’ve forgotten too.” His jaw twitched.
Calum stepped forward and pulled Jasper into his arms. He pressed his face to the side of Jasper’s head.
“I’ve had to be what everyone else wanted for so long,” Jasper whispered into his hair. “I was lost and you found me.”
Note to self: Jasper isn’t talking about the beads.
Chapter Twe
nty
Calum got out of the car outside the nursing home and closed the door. He shivered and wished he’d brought his coat.
“Sure you want to do this?” Jasper asked.
Calum stared at him over the roof of the car. “Don’t you want me to come in with you?” He wasn’t sure whether Jasper wanted him with him or not.
“She might not recognize me anyway,” Jasper said in a glum voice.
Calum walked with him to the door. Jasper clutched a bouquet of flowers and had a box of chocolates tucked under his arm. It was his mother’s birthday.
Time had seemed to speed up over the week. Jasper had spent a couple of hours in the office on Monday and taken the rest of the week off. They’d explored London together, wandering around museums and parks and eating leisurely lunches over a bottle of wine. They’d gone bowling and Calum had chuckled at how competitive Jasper was. They’d gone bike riding, and Jasper had even taken him sailing. It seemed to Calum that the guy was trying to fill every minute of every day.
In the evenings, they lay entangled on Jasper’s couch and watched movies, their legs and fingers entwined. They ate in, they ate out, they laughed and kissed and fucked, though Jasper shied away from topping him. Calum wasn’t sure why. Because Jasper sensed he wasn’t ready? Because he really wasn’t ready?
Jasper gave their names at the reception desk and they were buzzed through. Calum caught hold of Jasper’s clenched fist and rubbed his knuckles with his thumb. Jasper shot him a smile.
“Shouldn’t take long,” Jasper said. “Unless she thinks you’re Ben.”
“Won’t the accent tell her different?”
“She sees and hears what she wants to.”
Since Calum had arrived almost a week ago, he’d sensed a quiet desperation building in Jasper, and he understood it because he felt it too. Jasper was intent on them having as much fun as possible, and Calum was determined to have as much fun as possible. He had and yet there was always that knowledge that they were trapped—by circumstance, by a sense of duty, by inertia, but maybe most of all by fear of trying to make this work. It made Calum’s heart ache when he laughed hard enough to bring tears to his eyes, made his stomach clench when Jasper looked at him as though he was the most special person in the world. They loved each other. They’d admitted it and yet neither of them seemed able to say it again when the other’s eyes were open. Calum had tried a couple of times and the words had dried in his mouth. They needed to talk about the future and yet neither of them seemed capable of bringing it up.
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