by Lucy Gordon
Again, she found herself remembering the words he’d spoken in the mountains.
‘A man who takes such a jaundiced view of families as I do had probably better not have children.’
Had he spoken more prophetically than he knew? He’d been pleased with the idea of Danny but, as he’d warned her, the reality made him uneasy.
As a gesture of gratitude, she took Sue shopping in the Via Montenapoleone. They were alone, having yielded to Teresa’s pleas for Danny to be left with her. She bought her friend some costly outfits and they returned home happily to reclaim Danny from the housemaids who were cheerfully neglecting their work to play with him.
But there was no sign of Renzo.
‘He’s gone to visit the old man,’ Teresa confided. ‘He always stays with him a long time.’
And it was very late when she heard Renzo return to his room. She knocked on his door and he opened it at once.
‘I was wondering if it was too late to disturb you. Come in.’
When he’d closed the door he said, ‘I’ve been to see Nonno,’ using the Italian word for Grandfather, and indicating the picture that she’d used to prove Danny’s heritage.
‘How did you find him?’
‘Drifting in and out of consciousness. I tried to tell him about Danny but I’m not sure I got through to him.’
‘Then perhaps it’s time we all went together,’ Mandy suggested.
‘I was hoping you’d say that. We’ll go tomorrow.’
The care home where Bruno was living was a pleasant country house on the edge of Milan. He was on the ground floor, in a room with large windows with a view of the grounds. He wasn’t, as Mandy had expected, in bed, but sitting on a sofa, looking out at the lawn.
She could see that he was very old, with a wizened look, but when he heard them enter he opened his eyes and smiled. His mouth just shaped the word, ‘Renzo.’
‘You didn’t expect to see me back so soon, did you?’ Renzo said cheerfully. ‘But I told you about my son, and now I want you to meet him.’
For a moment they weren’t sure that he’d understood, but then he turned his head slowly to look at Mandy, who’d seated herself beside him on the sofa, with Danny in her arms. Renzo drew up a chair facing them.
‘Danilo,’ he said, touching the child.
‘Danilo.’ It was a whisper, barely audible.
‘Mandy.’ Renzo indicated her.
Bruno might be dreadfully weak, but he was still a gentleman. He inclined his head courteously, and she did the same.
‘Renzo has told me…a little about you…not much.’ His smile became conspiratorial. ‘Now…you tell.’
She gave a brief description of their meeting in the mountains, and their last nights.
‘I thought he was dead,’ she finished. ‘When I discovered that he was alive I came to find him, and tell him about our child.’
‘And this…is Renzo’s…son?’
‘Yes.’
Bruno put out a hand tentatively, and Danny promptly seized it hard enough to make him wince. Renzo instinctively reached out to break the contact.
‘No,’ Bruno said in a much firmer voice than before. ‘It’s good. He is strong…break things…’
‘Yes,’ Mandy said, smiling. ‘He does break things.’
‘Then he has spirit. In time…he will build things. I remember…’ the old man’s eyes rested warmly on Renzo ‘…when he wanted to smash everything, but he recovered.’
‘Because of you,’ Mandy said.
‘No, because of himself.’ Bruno looked at Renzo. ‘He will be to you what you have been to me.’
‘Will he?’ Renzo murmured, and Mandy wondered if she really heard a wistful note in his voice.
‘We never think so at first,’ Bruno said gently. ‘We see only the difficulty, the little terror who breaks our tools and makes a mess. But then there is the smile-you’ll see it soon, and know that it is just for you. After that-there is nothing you will not do to keep him safe.’
He stroked Danny’s forehead. ‘Thank you for bringing him to me.’
‘I’ll go out for a while,’ Mandy said.
When they were alone, Bruno said, ‘So she is the one.’
‘Yes,’ Renzo said quietly. ‘She is the one.’
‘She will be good for you. When will you marry?’
‘I don’t know. I haven’t asked her yet.’
‘Don’t let her slip through your fingers. When you’ve found the one, you must secure her. Not just because of the child. If you lose her, you’ll regret it all your life.’
‘I know that, Nonno, but I’ve changed. I see myself clearly and I don’t like myself. That gap in there-’ he pointed to his chest ‘-I’m afraid I’m not fit to be a husband or a father.’
‘They will make you fit,’ Bruno said.
‘I’ll let them down, and I could never forgive myself for that,’ Renzo said desperately.
‘You’re afraid you’ll do to them what was done to you,’ Bruno said wisely, and Renzo nodded. ‘But never fear. They won’t let you. They’ll draw you out into the world of trust and love. Even if you don’t trust yourself, trust the woman you love, and the child she bore you. They’ll never fail you.’
‘I know. Don’t worry, Nonno. I know the only happiness lies with them.’
‘Then I have nothing left to hope for,’ Bruno murmured. His eyes began to close. ‘I’m tired. Let me sleep now.’
His eyes closed slowly. Renzo kissed his cheek and went out of the room, nodding to the nurse to go in.
‘Thank you,’ he said quietly to Mandy.
In the back of the car going home he said little, but he looked at Danny constantly, and there was a faint smile on his face. Mandy watched them both, silent and content.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
W HEN they reached home Renzo vanished into his office, saying that he must catch up on work. Mandy would have liked to talk to him about what had happened, but clearly he didn’t want that. She spent the evening chatting with Sue before looking in to say goodnight to him. He smiled briefly and returned to work.
‘This afternoon I thought things were getting better,’ she confided to Sue as they climbed the stairs. ‘But we take one step forward and two steps back.’
‘And if it doesn’t come right?’ Sue ventured. ‘What happens then?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said with a sigh.
But she did know. And the thought of the decision that she might be facing filled her with sadness.
It was the height of summer. The heat could become intolerable during the day, and scarcely less so at night, so that both the windows and the shutters were left open. On a moonlit night the bedroom never became entirely dark.
Having seen Danny settled in his cot, Mandy stretched out on the bed, wearing a nightdress that was barely a whisper and with only a sheet to cover her. Even so, she was still too hot and slept fitfully.
She awoke suddenly, wondering what was different. The room was silent, yet she knew something strange had happened, piercing her sleep. Then she turned her head and saw Renzo.
He was sitting by the cot, gazing down into it, totally still. She waited for him to glance her way, but he didn’t. His attention was all for the child and she might not have existed. When he finally moved, it was only to lean down further, peering intently. Mandy could just make out his face with its faint smile that widened suddenly, as though something new and delightful had caught his attention. When his head turned a little she could see that his eyes were gleaming, not only with pleasure, but with something that was almost triumph.
A man marvelling at newly discovered treasure might gaze at it with that reverent wonder-half joy, half disbelief. Mandy lay still, her heart beating so loudly that she feared he might hear it, but he was totally absorbed in his son.
Now she understood what he had meant about seeing without being seen. It was a pleasure to study him without his knowledge. He was bare-chested, and in this light the scars wer
e invisible, leaving only the lithe, strongly built man she remembered from a time that sometimes seemed like another world.
A sound from the cot showed that Danny had awoken. At once Renzo pressed a finger to his lips and pointed to the bed. Danny began to make grumbling noises, which caused Renzo to shush him frantically.
‘Silenzio!’ he whispered. ‘Don’t wake Mamma.’
But the sounds increased.
‘I think you’d better wake Mamma,’ Mandy told him.
Renzo jumped, then gave her a quick look that was almost guilty. ‘I thought you were asleep.’
‘I was. You must have entered very quietly not to have disturbed me. How long have you been there?’
‘I’m not sure, perhaps an hour. I came in because I hoped you were awake. I didn’t knock in case I awoke him too, but you were both asleep. I suppose I should have gone away-’
‘You know better than that,’ she said at once. ‘You don’t need permission to visit your own son.’
‘I meant to waken you, but I got to looking at him lying there, and then I couldn’t stop.’
She sat up in the bed. ‘It was lovely. You were doing so well.’
‘Was I? I’ve never talked to a baby before. I don’t understand their language.’
‘You pick it up as you go along,’ she said, pushing back the sheet. ‘Then, gradually you get to understand each other. When he says this-’ she gave a grunt ‘-it means he wants to be changed. I’ll show you how to do it.’
‘Show…me?’ he said, with the gulping horror of fathers since the dawn of time.
‘Well, you’re obviously training to be the perfect father. What better moment for a lesson?’
But, at the sight of his appalled face, she relented. ‘It’s all right. I’ll let you off this time.’
She went into her little bathroom and did what was necessary. He came to the door to watch, but only from a safe distance.
‘Coward,’ she jeered, chuckling.
‘Definitely.’
When she’d finished, she laid Danny in his father’s arms.
‘Hold him for me while I get washed,’ she said, returning to the bathroom.
She took her time washing, turned out the bathroom light and slipped back into the bedroom unnoticed. She had her reward in the sight of Danny sitting on Renzo’s lap, supported by his arm, looking up with an appraising expression.
‘He’s not sure what he makes of you,’ she said, laughing softly.
‘What about what I make of him?’ Renzo demanded.
‘That doesn’t bother him nearly as much. He knows the opinion that matters is his. He’ll inform you when he’s ready.’
He grinned. ‘Got it all sussed, huh?’
‘You’d better believe it. He’s going to go through life afraid of nobody.’
Renzo studied his son’s face, and nodded. ‘Yes, I think that’s what he’s trying to tell me. What are you doing now?’
Mandy had gone to a bedside cupboard and taken out a small bottle and a cup.
‘He likes a little drink of orange juice when he wakes at night,’ she explained, pouring juice into the cup and setting it down. ‘I keep this in the fridge by day, and take it out when I come to bed. By the time he’s ready for it, the chill has gone.’
She sat down on the bed and reached out to take Danny from him. The child went willingly, but kept his eyes on Renzo, evidently regarding him as a curiosity. They had been acquainted for several days now, yet Mandy had the strange sense that each was seeing the other for the first time.
‘Now, perhaps Poppa will hand us the cup,’ she said.
Renzo entered into the spirit, pointing to himself and repeating, ‘Poppa.’
Danny frowned.
‘Poppa,’ Renzo said again.
At last Danny made his decision. ‘Fish,’ he announced.
‘Hey, that’s my word,’ Mandy protested. ‘I’m your fish. You said so.’
‘Fish,’ Danny repeated firmly.
‘But I’m an Italian fish,’ Renzo declared. ‘Pesce.’
‘Fish.’
‘Pesce.’
‘Argue it out some other time,’ Mandy said hastily. ‘Now, if Signor Pesce will give you the cup.’
Signor Pesce duly obliged, holding it out to Danny, who reached out for it, floundering but determined.
‘I’d better take it,’ Mandy said, laughing.
With a little help, Danny managed to get both hands on the cup and aim it roughly at his mouth to take a long satisfying drink. Then he gazed defiantly at his mother, as if to say, See!
‘Oh, yes, you’re very clever,’ she told him. ‘You don’t have to tell me. I know you are. And now you’re going to prove it by going back to sleep.’
His defiance didn’t waver, but his eyes began to close.
‘I guess you won that one,’ Renzo said softly.
‘It’s not hard. He’s worked out that the more he sleeps, the better mayhem he can create tomorrow. Come on, my darling.’
She laid Danny back in his cot. He was already asleep.
‘He looks so innocent,’ Renzo said in wonder.
‘It’s a trick. That’s how he fools you. You don’t find out he’s actually a villain until it’s too late and he’s got a grip on your heart. Ask Bruno.’
He laughed softly. ‘I know. Nonno always said I practised a Who, me? look. He said the more innocent I seemed the more alarmed he became.’
‘I know exactly what he means,’ she said tenderly.
After a moment he said, ‘Thank you for today. Nonno doesn’t have much left to hope for in his life, and you gave him something that made him happy.’
‘No, it was you who did that.’
‘Don’t flatter me. You’ve had the hard part, I know-bearing Danny and raising him alone. How did you ever do it?’
‘I did it for you,’ she said simply. ‘You were always there with me. I was never alone.’
‘Never alone,’ he said slowly. ‘How could I be with you, and not know?’
‘Perhaps you did know, in your heart,’ she said slowly.
He nodded thoughtfully but said no more. Danny stirred, and he glanced back at him.
‘You said he was born in October.’
She gave him the exact date.
‘Was it very hard?’
‘It took a long time. First babies often do. Once they thought something was going wrong and I was terrified in case I lost him. But Sue was there, holding my hand, and it was all right in the end. I couldn’t have borne to lose him. It would have been like losing you all over again.’
‘I should have been there,’ he whispered. ‘Mio dio, it should have been me holding your hand.’
‘Yes,’ she said sadly. ‘You should have been the first one to see him and hold him. You should have been there when he cut his first tooth at seven months. Wait, I’ll show you.’
She put on the bedside light and got up, reaching into a drawer and pulled out a book which she opened for him, showing it to be a photo album.
‘Sue brought it with her,’ she said.
Renzo was staring at the picture on the first page.
‘But-that’s me,’ he said, thunderstruck. ‘How could you possibly have my photograph?’
‘Low cunning,’ she said. ‘Never fails. When we were in the mountains I could take pictures with my cellphone. I took several of you, without you knowing. When the rescue party found me in the hut they found my things, as well, and the cellphone was there. After I returned to England, I had the pictures developed. That was the best, but there were some other nice ones.’
Renzo turned the page and saw himself as he’d been then, in climbing gear, laughing, game for action, king of the world.
‘I wonder who he was,’ he mused. ‘I don’t know him. He looks a paltry fellow, the sort who’d swing off balconies and think he was being clever.’
‘Oh, he had his good moments,’ she said in a considering voice. ‘I can’t remember them right now, but he m
ust have had something.’
‘Thank you, ma’am,’ he said, grinning.
But then his grin faded as he turned the page and saw a picture of Mandy, taken in the hospital, holding the day-old Danny. Watching his face she saw an expression of unutterable sadness that only deepened as he went through the book and saw more pictures.
There was Danny at his christening, sleeping soundly in his mother’s arms, then sitting up in his high chair, clearly older and bigger, beaming mischievously. And, just behind him, was the enlarged picture of his father.
More pictures, all telling the same story, of a child growing quickly in strength, health and intelligence. And every time Renzo’s photograph could be seen, never far from his son, as if watching over him.
‘You kept me alive for him,’ he whispered.
‘I tried to. It helped me too. I had someone to talk to.’
He wondered if she knew how the unconscious inflection in her voice had betrayed the depths of her loneliness. But she wouldn’t know, he guessed. There had never been anyone less given to self-pity than her.
‘Why didn’t you show me this earlier?’ he asked.
‘I’ve always wanted to. It wasn’t the right moment before. But tonight…it was.’
Tonight he’d begun to open his heart to his child and she was alive with hope.
He was turning the pages, lingering over a picture of Danny with a warm smile.
‘They say babies start being shy of strangers after a few months,’ Mandy said, ‘but he never was. His attitude was always bring ’em on.’
‘So much I missed,’ he mused. ‘Lost for ever.’
‘But there’s much more still to come,’ she reminded him. ‘A lifetime. You don’t have to miss that.’
‘A lifetime.’ He looked at her across the cot. ‘Do you really think you could put up with me for a lifetime?’
‘Try me.’
‘You were always brave, but you’d need all the courage in the world to take me on.’
‘It would take far more courage to live without you,’ she told him softly. ‘That’s what I can’t face.’
He came to sit beside her on the bed and spoke fervently. ‘Do you remember when I said I loved you back then?’
