“Nope, sorry. We’re not close. Like I said, he’s my brother’s friend, not mine.”
Without waiting for a response, I turn on my heels. I can’t even believe how upset I am over something like this. This is stupid. I’m stupid. I know he dates. Well, fucks is more like it. Hearing about it in a bathroom and realizing that he’s been seeing her for a while now, is so much worse than I’ve ever imagined. I think I might throw up. Thank God that slut didn’t go into details. I wouldn’t be held responsible for my actions.
How can he sleep with her? Is she his girlfriend? I swallow the bile in my throat. No, Jax doesn’t do girlfriends, I remind myself, but I don’t believe my own lie. If she wasn’t his girlfriend, why would she have the access card to his place?
I guess I finally know why he hasn’t attended our weekly dinners. I should feel relieved that he isn’t avoiding me, but I don’t. If anything, I feel worse, much worse. I can’t believe that I thought he wasn’t coming around because of me. Could I be any more self-absorbed?
I need to scream. I hate that my heart is crumbling. I thought my heart was shattered, nothing left to break. I was wrong.
As I walk back to the seating area, Kohen types on his phone with an anxious expression. It evaporates when he spots me. Salvaging our lunch date is impossible.
Good thing I’ve perfected the art of acting. Anyone looking at me will see what I want them to see. I’m just a girl on a date with a boy. Laughing at his jokes that I don’t hear. I touch his arm at the right time, showing we’re intimate. I make sure that this is what he sees. Nothing else. From a typical outsider, it’s the perfect picture.
From the inside I’m slowly dying. My entire body is wound so tightly, I can feel every individual muscle tense. I force my muscles to loosen up so that Kohen doesn’t notice how stressed I am. My heart was pulled out of my chest and dumped onto the dirty cold tiled floor of that bathroom. Somehow my blood continues to pump, keeping me alive so I can torture myself with images of Jax and the slut. Kohen disappears. Behind my eyes is the vision of a naked Jax and a leggy brunette who isn’t me.
I’m suffering on the inside. Perfect on the outside. It’s a role I play well. A role I haven’t played in a while. A role that I miss. I miss pretending to be perfect. I miss not reacting, not allowing anyone to see the real me, not allowing anything to hurt me. I miss being numb.
Kohen appears in a much better mood as we leave the restaurant. Me? I’m ready to drown a particular brunette. Thankfully Kohen doesn’t notice my rotten mood. As he leans in to kiss me, I step away and force a cough.
“Are you getting sick?” Concern fills his voice.
“No, I think I swallowed a bug or something.”
He pulls me into him and checks my head for a fever just in case. He kisses my forehead.
“Call me later?”
“Of course.”
I watch his cab drive away. Clutching the doggie bag for Harper tighter than necessary, I head into work. I try to calm down enough so that nobody notices a change. I don’t care. It’s not a big deal. People fuck all the time. I wish my body could stop trembling. Will the pain in my chest ever go away?
I slam my bag on my desk. I glance around to make sure nobody notices. I’m in luck. Well, until I see Harper to the right with a raised eyebrow. I shake my head at her, point to her office and mouth “food.” She mouths “thanks.” I’ll tell her about lunch when we go running tonight after work.
Harper waits in my living room while I change into my workout clothes. I usually don’t run with a jacket, but the new accessories on my forearms leave me no choice. All of my long-sleeved workout clothes overflow the hamper. So I’m stuck wearing a purple razorback tank with a built-in sports bra and my black running jacket. I change into my black running shorts and snag my Nikes from my closet. I wash all my make-up off my face, before heading to the living room.
We walk across the street to Central Park and stretch. After about five minutes of jogging in silence, Harper squints at me, a question written all over her face.
“What?” I snap.
“I was just wondering how long until you tell me about your pissy mood after lunch.” She picks up the pace. I easily keep up.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say a little defensively.
Harper doesn’t say anything at first. I don’t know if I’m relieved that she dropped it, or not. Do I want to talk about it? I know I should.
I try to focus on the run. The feel of my feet hitting the pavement with each step. I’m doing everything I usually do. My mind usually shuts off by now.
As we jog, I concentrate on breathing in air through my nose, out of my mouth. A slow burn works its way up my calfs. It’s still not enough to shove the image of Jax and the troll out of my head. I need to push myself harder. That’s the only way. I need to feel the pain. I need to overwork myself.
I quicken my pace again. I’m almost sprinting. Harper doesn’t break stride. She’s sweating a little more than me and breathing a little harder. I can tell she isn’t used to running like this. She’s more of a marathon type, not a sprinter. I want to tell her to go at her own pace, but my mouth won’t work. I doubt she would, anyways.
I push myself to the breaking point. It’s the only way I know how to shut it off, to stop picturing them together.
Again I increase my pace. I can see Harper roll her eyes at me before she matches my stride again. We’re both sprinting. My arms hurt, my thighs burn, but they’re not on fire. I want the fire. I need to keep running until I can’t anymore. I need the small distraction, if only for a second.
Harper surprises me by going even faster. Sweat drenches her yellow tank. I’m not much better. Sweat drips down my spine and I use my jacket-covered arm to wipe perspiration off my forehead. My blood pumps so hard I can hear it in my ears. They start to ring, making any other noise impossible to hear.
I won’t last much longer. It’s okay, the images are almost gone. I’ll have my reprieve soon. Harper huffs and puffs alongside me. A little more is all I need. I can feel everything starting to slip away. It’s as if I’m physically leaving my troubles on the pavement with each step. With each pump of my arms, the pain of my broken heart lessens. In its place is the burning of my legs.
I unzip my jacket, needing air or I might pass out. My jacket flaps in the wind. I bring the corner of my jacket up to my chest to wipe off sweat. Harper increases her speed. She has a lot more stamina than I realized. We’re now running as fast as we can. If I don’t stop, tomorrow will be hell. I don’t, I keep pushing. Finally, everything is gone. No more Jax. No more leggy troll. No more broken heart. Just breathing.
I glance at Harper to see how she’s doing. She’s ready to faint. She’s lathered in sweat, her face cherry red, and her breathing erratic. I know I look the same. I slow down. Sense finally kicks in and I realize what I’m doing. I’m killing myself over a guy. A guy that doesn’t even want me. I won’t be that girl. I’d rather save the torture I force upon my body for something real, something that matters. Jax doesn’t matter. He never really did.
She looks relieved when I slow our pace again. We’re now back to a fast jog. A little further, she begins a fast walk. I follow her lead. Two minutes later, we both stop. Waists bent, hand on our knees, we both struggle for air. I toss my water bottle on a patch of grass. Harper follows suit and stretches her hamstrings.
We don’t say anything to each other. I think she is waiting for me to start the conversation. Clearly she knows that’s not my regular running routine, something is on my mind. I’m glad that she gives me time to come out with it. She understands that I don’t like to feel backed into a corner. I can’t function that way.
When we finally gain strength, we trudge to our water bottles. Harper collapses on the ground and doesn’t move. She just closes her eyes. If I didn’t see her chest rising and falling with each heavy breath, I would think she was dead. I do a quick stretch with my arms. Hopefully if I stretch en
ough, I won’t hate myself tomorrow for overdoing it.
I rinse out my dry mouth before sipping from my water bottle. I want to drink it all, but that will give me cramps. Harper heaves loudly and sits up. She chugs her water. Without any grace, I drop down right next to her. I stare at the trees in front of us. I know I need to tell her. Now. Quick and painless like ripping off a Band-Aid.
“I had the great pleasure of meeting Jax’s current slut. Today. At lunch,” I tell her point blank.
Harper’s surprise quickly morphs into anger. She pretty much is spot-on to how I felt in that bathroom. I still can’t believe how little the world is. I can’t even put into words how small I felt sitting on the toilet listening to the troll tell her friend about Jax.
“Back up. Who is she? Where were you? And how do you know she’s sleeping with Jax?” I don’t even have time to answer her before she’s shooting off a new round of questions. “Most importantly, have you talked to Jax? When do you see him again?”
My hands rip out the grass. I force them to lay flat on the ground as I fill her in. I was kind of hoping she wouldn’t ask that question. The answer makes me look like a psycho. I sigh heavily, and lay down. I stare up at the sky, different hues of purple and pink with a splash of red. I wish I had my camera to capture the scene in front of me. Its beauty is so simple, it’s magic.
“I asked her if she was talking about Jaxon. Her friend answered me. Even asked if I was his girlfriend. When I told them that I was just his friend’s little sister, the troll stopped looking at me like I was a threat.”
“Please tell me this story ends with you throwing something at her, or at least calling her a troll to her face?”
I love her. I shake my head. “I wish.”
“What happened next?”
I tell Harper in detail everything that happened. Even the parts I didn’t intend on telling her; feeling like my heart broke into tiny little pieces, how angry I was at myself. Surprisingly, I tell her about pretending, about making it seem like I was perfect on the outside, even though I am far from perfect. It’s amazing how easy it is to bare my soul to her. As much as I keep telling myself to be quiet, words continue to flow out of my mouth.
“Nobody’s perfect, Addie,” Harper finally says when I’m done.
“I know that. It’s just . . . I don’t know. Hard to explain, I guess. I hate when people can really see me. See how broken I am. I hate feeling like everyone can see how easily I can shatter. I guess that’s why I do it. It’s become easier over the years pretending to be someone I’m not. It’s easier to become the person I want the world to see than the person I really am.”
“I think letting the world see the real you is better than pretending to be someone you’re not. If anyone doesn’t like the real you, then that person doesn’t deserve to be in your life, Addie.”
Harper lays down on the cold grass beside me. I don’t know how to respond. I don’t like people getting to know me. Probably more from fear than anything. Just something else I need to work on. I want to be the person that tries, not the person that gives up because something horrible happened.
My family wouldn’t want me to give up my life. They would want me to live, to enjoy life. For them, I need to try. It won’t be easy, something will tempt me to return to the dark shadows, but this time I will fight. I want to stay in the light. I don’t want the horrors of my past to trap me in the dark.
Harper sits up again. Dusk has fallen. Time to head back. I need to soak in a hot bubble bath for at least an hour to relax the muscles I over-worked. Which makes me think of making Harper work just as hard. A thought I don’t like.
“I’m sorry about the intense run. I promise next time it won’t be like that. I kind of lost myself in my head.” I hold out my hand to help her up.
She takes it. “It gives me an excuse to go to the spa and get a nice, long massage.”
I grab both of our waters and toss Harper hers. A spa day and massage sounds wonderful. I haven’t been to one in almost seven years. Since Hadley and I worked our butts off to surprise Mom with a day at the spa. My dad found chores around his office and at home so we could earn enough money for Mother’s Day.
“We should make a day out of it. I can make reservations for this weekend if you don’t have any plans,” she says, reading my mind.
“It’s a date. My treat,” I tell her because I know her. She will insist on paying.
We argue back and forth as we leisurely walk back to my apartment. Cabs and town cars fill the street. A large group of people wait for the crosswalk. As we crossing the street, I get a brilliant idea. I’ll force her to spend time with Connor. She told me she doesn’t feel worthy, not in so many words, but I know that’s how she feels. I want her to know she is worthy, of anything and anybody. I’m going to give her a push in the right direction.
“Fine, I’ll let you buy.” I wait to see the smile that she saves for when she’s won. She is so wrong. “One condition. You have to go somewhere with me, no questions asked, and wear what I put you in.”
She pretends to contemplate the deal, but I know I already have her. She isn’t one to back down to anything. She’s not that type of girl, if she were, we wouldn’t get along as well as we do. If only she knew what I was planning. This is going to be fun. I hate that my part of our-soon-to-be-deal won’t happen for a few more weeks. I hate waiting.
“Deal!” she sings as she holds her hand out for me to shake.
“Deal!” I say just as enthusiastically.
I control myself and only dance in my head. I can’t let her think there’s more to my master plan. I can’t wait for her to find out the truth. Hopefully she doesn’t dump water on me, I know that’s her go-to move. Water will not go well with the couture dress I will be wearing.
“How do you know that the two of them are sleeping together?” Harper asks, pulling me out of my thoughts.
At first I’m startled, thinking she was reading my mind again. Then it clicks, Jax and the troll. That’s what she meant. Not what I was planning. Which is good since I don’t plan on her sleeping with her date. I just want her to know that it is an option, that she can have whoever she wants.
“Jax doesn’t have any women friends he doesn’t sleep with.”
“I think there’s more to the story. Maybe you should ask him.”
I gawk at her like she’s lost her mind. I mean come on, Jax is a man, if it’s there in front of him, he’s going to take it. With a woman like that, I have no doubt that she shows Jax exactly what she has to offer him.
“I saw the way he kept staring at you at brunch. I’m not blind, anyone with eyes can tell he wants you, Addie, and that he hates whenever Kohen touches you. Maybe he’s sleeping around because he thinks he can’t have you.”
“Jax knows he can have me if he wants to. That’s not the problem. You’re reading into something that isn’t there. Trust me.”
“He kept sneaking glances at you the entire time. He needs to work on his stealth moves if he doesn’t want to be so noticeable.”
My mouth falls open a little. She’s crazy. There’s people everywhere in New York City and I befriended one of the crazies. Of course I did.
“You’re the only one that doesn’t see it then,” Harper says.
I shake my head and sigh. “Trust me, I’m not wrong about this. As much as I wish I was. I’m not. He doesn’t want me. He’s made that fact crystal clear.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?” I ask, not believing she has given up so easily.
“One of us is right. Hopefully I don’t have to wait too long to be proven right.”
“Don’t count on it,” I mutter.
As we wait for the elevator to arrive, I hear her mutter something about Romeo and Juliet.
“Please tell me you didn’t just compare my love life to Romeo and Juliet. You do realize that isn’t even a love story, right? It’s a tragedy that could have been easily avoidable.”
She shrugs. “Yo
u can’t deny that your love life has similar qualities from the story.”
“Jax chooses to not be with me because . . .” I can’t tell her about his abusive father, it’s not my story to tell. I shake my head. “It’s not because our families hate each other. Besides, where would Kohen fit in to all this?”
“Okay, I didn’t say it was exactly like your love life. Just similar.”
As I fetch my key I ask, “Did you get dropped on your head when you were a child? You do realize you pretty much said Jax and I are Romeo and Juliet, everyone wants us together, but we die. Are you planning our deaths in the near future?”
She ignores me and tramps straight to my living room and collapses onto the couch. I follow her lead and sprawl in the chair beside the couch. Unable to get comfy, I struggle out of my jacket. After lying around for five minutes, Harper, rises and stretches. She could put the Energizer Bunny to shame.
“It’s late, I’m gonna head home.”
“Okay.” I help her collect her things. “Let me know what time to meet you for our spa date.”
“OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?” Harper yells as she grips both my arms.
I’m so startled from her outburst it takes a second to register what’s happening. She stares wide-eyed at the dark bruises that appear worse than they did this morning. How is that even possible? Shouldn’t they be getting better? I yank back my arms, and cross them, in hopes of covering the bruises.
“Nothing happened, it’s fine.”
“Nothing happened? NOTHING HAPPENED!” She grabs my arms again and turns them this way and that way, inspecting the damage. “There’s fingerprints on your arms! NOTHING HAPPENED! WHO DID THIS TO YOU?”
I need to find a way to calm her down fast. She is about to explode. I have to extinguish this situation. If she thinks it’s a big deal, she will tell someone. Then, it will definitely become a big deal.
“If you calm down, I will tell you everything, okay? Just relax and remember I’m fine.”
Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) Page 28
