“Oh, don’t look at me like that! It was funny!” I say.
“And true, man,” Logan pipes in.
Connor rides the elevator in silence as the rest of us make fun of him. Luckily Connor doesn’t take anything personally, he even lets out a few chuckles as we leave the building and approach the waiting limo. I’m surprised the driver doesn’t open the door for us; instead it opens from the inside. Shoot me now.
I want to imagine that my brother is bringing a date, but I know it’s not a woman. The frown that Harper sends my way confirms what I’m thinking. Once I get inside the limo, I will have to face him. I’m not ready. I thought I would see him at the fundraiser. I was prepared for that. Almost.
I scan the area in hope that there might be another limo coming just for me. It isn’t a real possibility, but fantasy is better than reality right now. I bend and pretend to fix my heel. Not a big deal. Nonchalant. Easy. Too bad pretending to fix a heel without an actual problem can’t take all night. Without anything else to stall the inevitable, I straighten up, and walk the last steps to the black limo.
“I’m guessing by the fantastic performance of stalling, you never talked to Jax?” Logan asks quietly in my ear.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Harper gets in first, followed by Connor. I look longingly at my apartment building before climbing in. Logan sits next to me and gives me a small grin.
I keep my eyes away from the far end of the limo, where Jax is. Instead, I pin my attention on the amazing view outside. I pretend that it is the most fascinating thing in the world, that I’ve never seen the lights of the city before. I tilt my head as we drive through Times Square. Tourists roam the streets, bundled up on this cold New York night. I block out everything. I no longer care that I can feel Jax in here with me. All I care about is the world outside this window. That’s the world I want to be in right now.
“Hello, earth to Adalynn,” Connor says slowly enough that he almost spells out hello.
I nod in his direction so he know’s I’m listening, but I refuse to turn away from the window. I will have to look away eventually, but eventually isn’t this exact moment.
I sigh before facing Connor. He and Harper occupy the bench across from the bar, which takes up the entire right side of the limo. Jax is the furthest away from me, he’s in the seat in front of the privacy mirror, but it seems as if he’s the closest because he’s directly across from me. I can feel his eyes on me, waiting for me to acknowledge him. I don’t.
“Champagne?” Connor asks.
I swing my hand out, more than ready to get drunk. “Oh god yes!”
“Cheers!” Harper says too brightly.
Her presence makes the pain a little better. I’m glad that she is here, and is telling me she’s here for me without words.
“To an amazing night!” Logan says beside me.
Connor slides his arm around Harper’s shoulders. “An unforgettable night!”
I tune out her response and face the window again. As the limo makes a left turn onto an almost empty street, I wish that I was anywhere else. With autumn near, the leaves are changing into vibrant reds and oranges. Soon they will fall and people will forget how beautiful the leaves used to be as they collect dirt on the sidewalk.
“It’s a good thing there isn’t any water for Harper to throw at your ugly mug.” Jax speaks up for the first time.
I can’t help the way my entire body tenses from the sound of his voice. I ignore the rest of the conversation and sink back into myself again. I replay every moment I’ve ever had with Jax. The first time I saw him when I was seven, I knew that I would never be the same. I see every secret smile, every caress, every time he would sneak into my bedroom window when we were teenagers, and all the times he would fly back from NYU to visit me for the weekend.
The only thing that I’m aware of is when Harper switches my empty champagne flute for a full one. I’m so thankful for her right now. It isn’t until my brother taps my shoulder that I turn away from the window.
“I take it from the tension between you two that you’re still fighting,” he murmurs.
He doesn’t ask. He states it, as if there isn’t any other option. Not able to lie to my brother, I shrug in answer.
“The talk didn’t go well then?”
“It went . . .” I struggle for words, but can’t find any. I decide to go with the truth. “It went as well as it could have I guess.”
“Ah I see,” Logan whispers.
I glance around to make sure nobody is paying any attention to us. Wrong move. My eyes seek out Jax’s. He’s nodding at something Connor said, but his gaze lands on mine. I’m ashamed to admit it takes a few seconds to shake myself out of a trance and glance away.
“You both are going to ruin a lifelong friendship from being afraid.”
“You think you know everything but you don’t, Logan. It’s not that easy. Things with Jax are complicated. Nothing is as simple as you think it is.”
I pause to collect myself. I need to stay calm and remember that we are not alone in the limo. Everyone else in here does not need to be part of this conversation. Heck, I don’t even want to be part of this conversation.
I continue, “Afraid? Afraid of what? Come on, you seem to have all the answers so tell me. What exactly am I afraid of?”
“You’re afraid of life. You’re afraid of living because they didn’t. You’re scared of anything and everything that you can do that they can’t.”
I focus on life outside the window again. I remain silent. I see the city without actually seeing anything.
“You’re wrong,” I murmur so quietly I don’t think he hears me.
“Prove it then.”
My annoying brother taps my shoulder again. Tap . . . tap . . . tap . . . Over and over. Turning my head away from the window I glare at my irritating older brother. My anger rises. He’s wrong. I’ve done everything I can to keep Jax in my life. Before I can help myself, words leave my mouth.
“I get that you care since it puts you in an awkward situation, but you should be having this conversation with him, not me! I already tried. He doesn’t want to be my friend. He’s only in my life because of you! So sorry, but you’re not always right, Logan!”
I’m met with utter silence. It takes a second too long to realize that I raised my voice. Crap! I tell myself not to look at him but it seems like I can’t control myself tonight. Jax’s mouth hangs open a little, from shock I’m sure, and his green eyes won’t meet mine. Logan says something, but I ignore him. As I watch Jax, it hits me that if I had any hopes of repairing our friendship, that is long gone. He can’t even face me. I wish that I could disappear into the leather seats. We stop moving. Perfect timing, at least I can flee and get lost in the crowd. I follow my brother out of the limo.
After about an hour of mingling with Logan, I’m finally able to make a break for it. Well, for the table since I can’t leave, at least not yet. Seizing a flute of champagne from the passing waiter, I pretend I don’t see Harper waving me over. I need to sit down. I need a breather from everyone. I haven’t seen Jax since we first arrived. Not that I’ve been searching for him or anything. He’s probably with some slut in a closet. I don’t care.
Weaving around people, I finally locate our table. I exhale when I see that nobody is sitting down yet. Useless conversations are the last thing I want to do. I have had enough of the fake bullshit people say to each other at these events to last a lifetime. I remind myself not to run as I move towards our table.
Pulling out my chair, I eye the exit. I want to get out of here. I need air. I force myself to stay seated instead of leaving. My hands shake slightly. I want to say it’s from the lack of food and the champagne, but that would be a lie. My trembling hands and need to escape is because of Jax. Always him.
I can’t stop rehashing last night in my head. It’s been almost twenty-four hours, but it feels like only seconds have passed since he told me I’m L
ogan’s little sister. Of course the man that I’ve been in love with forever wouldn’t think of me as anything else except for his best friend’s little sister. I thought he saw me, really saw me.
Little sister . . . little sister . . . His words are on a wheel that won’t stop tormenting me. Just thinking about all those times that I let him in, when I closed out everyone else, makes me bite my lip to keep from screaming in anger.
“Are you okay?” Connor asks me.
I look to my right as he and Harper sit down. I’m not even surprised that I didn’t notice them come over here. I’ve been lost in my head. I’ve been replaying every encounter I’ve had with Jax and attempting to view it from his perspective.
“Peachy.”
“Sounds like it,” Harper says.
“Oh shut up. Shouldn’t you be out dancing? This one,” I say, pointing to Connor, “is a fantastic dancer. His parents made him take dance classes when he was younger.”
Connor makes a show of getting up and offering Harper his hand. “Please do me the honor of this dance, Ms. Harrison. Besides, I think Addie is going to be like this for the rest of the night.”
“And please tell me, Connor, what am I being like?”
“Let’s just say that you’re not in the best of moods right now,” Harper chimes in.
“That’s a nice way of saying something else . . . I think the word you’re looking for is bitchy,” he says as he nabs Harper’s hand and steers her away.
I run my finger over the table. Tracing invisible designs. Only Connor can call me a bitch and get away with it. That’s because I know he never really means it. Connor treats me like the little sister that he’s never had, but has always wanted.
Lights are once again strung to the ceiling. I stare at the twinkling ceiling for a long time. When I finally glance away, I try to find my brother. He’s talking to someone by the stage in the middle of the room. I think she’s the event planner. A waiter comes by and replaces my empty champagne flute. I move it away and sip the water in front of me instead.
My eyes land on Connor and Harper. I watch him swing her around the dance floor for two songs. She’s clearly had lessons, too. They draw eyes to themselves with their effortless moves on the floor. When the third song begins, I trace patterns on the table again. With each second that goes by, I continue to think about last night.
Nothing, not even a ballroom full of people, can take my mind off last night. I wish that he told me how he felt in the beginning instead of waiting until now. He’s led me on for too many years, playing games. I hate that I have to remind myself to be upset with him. I have every right to be, but at the same time I don’t think I do. Yes, he’s led me on, but I shouldn’t fault him for not having feelings for me.
I need closure. I don’t want to reflect on last night and always wonder what if. What if I said something different? What if I told him it’s okay? What if I actually stopped loving him? Maybe then we could be friends. I already live my life full of “what ifs’’ with the accident; I don’t want to do that for us, too.
Someone taps my shoulder. I open my mouth to tell Connor that I’m fine, but words fail me because it’s not Connor. I know without looking over my shoulder that Jax is standing behind me. It could be from that simple touch that leaves my skin burning from his finger, or from his nearness that makes my skin break out in goosebumps. Either way, I know he’s directly behind me.
“Dance with me, Ads.”
Before I know what’s happening, Jax pulls out my chair and helps me out of my seat. I stare at him, really stare at him, wondering what he’s doing. I haven’t seen him all night. I was sure he was with some leggy blonde without a brain. None of this makes sense, especially after last night.
“Why?” I ask quietly.
“Because you look too beautiful to be sitting here by yourself.”
I’m too stunned to say anything. I’m barely able to make my feet function. If Jax didn’t have such a strong grasp on my hand, I’m sure I would fall to the ground. When he says things like that, it’s hard to believe that he just sees me as Logan’s little sister. Good thing the replay of last night is still going on in my head to remind me.
I need to pull away, to save myself from more hurt. I tell myself to take my hand off his shoulder, but I can’t. I’d rather hate myself later for giving into yet another game, and be around him one more time. I shut off my mind and bask in the warmth radiating off Jax’s body. I let him lead me through a dance. Of course it has to be Coldplay. The stupid pianist mocks me by playing Sparks.
This is my all time favorite song by them because we would listen to it in my room late at night. And now I’m dancing to it with Jax. He drags me closer to him like he used to do in my bedroom. I close my eyes and pretend that we’re dancing in my room again.
“I’ve never danced with anyone else to this song,” he says, unaware that he’s splintering my heart even more.
“Me either,” I say without opening my eyes.
I know once I do, I will be lost. I will be trapped by his green ones. Logan’s little sister. I can’t let myself over-think this. He saw me sitting alone and sad. Of course he would ask me to dance. Jax isn’t the bad guy he wants everyone to believe he is. Which is why it makes pulling away from him that much harder.
“I’m sorry. I can’t. I know what you’re doing. Thanks, but I can’t.”
I hurry away without another word. It’s nice that Jax is being the better person, that he took time out of his night to dance with the sad little girl. I can’t dance with him and pretend I feel nothing for him, that what he said last night is okay. It’s not.
I jog off the dance floor. I rest against a pillar and squeeze my eyes shut. I won’t be able to survive sitting next to Jax through dinner. It’s too soon. I don’t hear him come up behind me, but I know without turning around, it’s him pressing against my back.
“Ads, please talk to me,” he pleads into my ear.
“Please just go away.”
I don’t even open my eyes. I don’t need to. He has been forever imprinted in my mind.
“Please just give me a chance to explain.” He spins me around and grips my face in both hands. “Please just talk to me.”
When I open my eyes, his sadness takes my breath away. I know this is my chance. This is the only chance I will get to not have “what ifs.” This is the moment for closure.
I tear his hands away from my face. Him being this close is hard enough, I don’t need him touching me. I lose every train of thought when he touches me. This is my time to tell him everything and walk away.
“You may think we were never friends, but we were, Jax. You were my best friend for sixteen years. You have always been here for me whenever I needed you.” I press my fingertips over his mouth when he tries to speak. “You let me in once. I loved that I was the person you turned to when you needed someone. All I have ever wanted was to be here for you, to be the person you lean on.”
I take a deep breath. I love the smell of Jax. If it was possible I would bottle up his woodsy scent.
“I may be just Logan’s little sister to you, but you have always been my best friend. You saved me. When nobody else was there, you were. That’s why it kills me to know that I’m nothing to you.”
All the hurt from all his games rushes forward. I tell myself to leave, to not say another word, but I need to tell him everything. It’s time for me to give up on any hope of us being together.
“All you had to do was tell me the truth eight years ago. But you didn’t. Instead you chose to lead me on, knowing exactly how I felt about you. I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember, Jax!”
“I’m so sorry, Ads. I didn’t mean it the way it came out last night.”
“Please stop.”
“No. You need to hear this. I need you in my life.”
I refuse to believe his lies. “You don’t want me in your life. If you did, you would have considered my feelings a long time ago. Instead you ma
de me doubt being with Kohen. I could have lost someone who loves me because of you! But I’m nothing but your best friend’s little sister to you.”
“Even without Logan in my life, I would still need you in mine.”
“We both know that’s not true.” I gather the folds of my dress as I prepare to leave. “You don’t have to worry about Logan. He will never know. When we are forced to see one another because of my brother, we will be civil towards each other, but nothing more, never again.”
Before Jax can say anything else, I walk away. I need to get out of here. I thought telling him how I felt would make me feel better. It doesn’t. I head towards the stage hoping that my brother is still there. I smile in relief when I see him reviewing his speech.
“Addie, are you okay?” Logan asks when I reach him.
“No. Actually I feel like crap. I need to leave. I’m sorry.”
I wish I was stronger. I wish that I could stay, pretend that I didn’t just lose a piece of myself when I stormed away from Jax. I wish that I could stay for my brother. At least to hear his speech, but I can’t. I’m at my breaking point and I need to leave before I lose it in front of all these people. Logan must see that I’m about to crumble because he nods and drapes his arm over my shoulder.
“Okay. I’ll see you out.”
“No, don’t, you have the speech.” I paint the smile on my face that I’m used to wearing. “I’ll be fine, promise.”
Logan eyes me, searching for signs that I’m lying. I hold my smile firmly in place. I don’t let anything slip. I don’t let the fact my world is collapsing around me show through the facade. I watch the band play as Logan searches for something or someone in the crowd. I focus on the woman playing the piano instead of the pain raging inside me.
“I’m going to kill him,” Logan snaps.
I grab onto his arm to stop him. “Don’t. I’m fine. This isn’t his fault.”
“You’re hurt because of Jax. It’s his fault.”
I wish I could confess everything my brother, but I can’t. I can’t risk him losing a lifelong friend because of me. I couldn’t do that to him.
Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) Page 32
