I lean out of the shower and point at the bathroom door.
“You’re kicking me out?” he asks in disbelief.
I can’t believe that I’m kicking him out either.
“I need some time,” I admit.
He brings my hand up to his mouth. I watch as he kisses the inside of each palm.
“I’ll start breakfast,” he says before kissing me deeply.
He trails his finger over my collarbone. Enjoying the fact that my body trembles under his touch. Most likely because I’m denying us both. Just one touch from him and my body is alive.
He’s wearing that stupid gorgeous grin of his that I hate and secretly love at the same time. Jax kisses me again and I lick my suddenly dry lips. His pupils dilate, making his green eyes darker. I arch up to him, welcoming his lips.
“I’ll have breakfast ready by the time you’re out of the shower then.” He plants a quick kiss to my cheek, missing my greedy lips.
I try to tear my eyes away from his sexy back. I really do try, just not that hard. His sexy muscles are practically calling my name. They want me to stare and watch them move with each step he takes. His muscles are made to be stared at. My eyes roam down his back to his even sexier ass. What I wouldn’t give to sink my teeth in that tight ass, but I need to slow things down. As if reading my mind, Jax stops and turns his head, but keeps his tight ass in my view.
I don’t even try to act like I’m not ogling him. There’s really no point. I keep my gaze firmly on his ass. I can feel his eyes on me like I know he can feel mine on him. The only difference is that I’m looking at his tight ass in his soaking wet boxer briefs and his eyes are on my face. He’s watching me check him out. And enjoying every second of it.
“Seriously, feel free to picture me when you’re showering. When you run your soapy hands up and down your body, imagine it’s my hands.”
Concentrating on breathing is nearly impossible.
“Imagine it’s my hands soaping up those perfect tits of yours. It’s my hand that will be going in-between your thighs, nobody else.”
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. That is the only thing I can concentrate on. Nothing else matters at the moment. Jax’s words consume me, taking everything away, leaving only him and his sexy words.
I’m about to tell him that I don’t want to imagine his hands again, I want it to actually be him in that shower with me. All thoughts leave me when he gives me a wink and strips out of his boxers. Who needs to remember to breathe when there’s a naked God in their presence? Not me.
He winks before tossing them at me. Quick like a ninja, I catch them before they hit their target.
Without another word, he closes the bathroom door. I can’t believe that he’s walking around my place naked and I’m standing here in the shower. I want more than anything to follow him, but I desperately need to calm down. I need time to myself to grasp that we’re together.
Holy crap, I’m with Jaxon Chandler. My mind can’t even begin to process that. What will Logan think? I need to tell Kohen, too. I won’t lie to him, I don’t see the point. He deserves the truth. I just hope that I don’t hurt him too badly.
Rinsing shampoo out of my hair, I try in vain to keep a neutral expression. I fail miserably. I’m finally with the one person that I have always wanted to be with, but never thought I could. It’s almost too good to be true. This will never work.
No, I will be happy. I will only think of the positives. Nothing can bring me down today, not after last night, not after everything Jax told me. I want to be happy. I want to be happy with him.
With my little pep talk still fresh in my mind, I step out of the shower to quickly get dressed. I can’t wait to get back to my man. Hmm. I like the sound of that. I hesitate, wondering what I should wear. I want to look good. The leggings in my hands don’t seem like the right choice. I want to be comfy, though. I plan to just stay in all day with Jax, but I don’t want to look boring. Should I dress a little sexier, or should I go casual? Ugh, this is stupid! I’m not one of those girls. Jax likes me for me, not for my fantastic fashion sense. I step into my leggings and grab a tank. I leave my hair down and let it dry naturally. There, done.
I use all my willpower to take my time and not sprint to Jax in the kitchen, reminding myself to walk with each step. I’m surprised that I don’t smell anything cooking. Guess he’s ordering in. Doesn’t matter to me what we eat. My kitchen is empty. Where is he? He wasn’t in the living room and I didn’t hear him in the guest room.
“Jax?” I call out.
Nothing.
He left without saying anything. I knew it was too good to be true.
No, he wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t just leave me. Calm down. He probably went to get food or for a change of clothes. Yeah, that’s it. I tell myself there’s a logical explanation over and over again.
Ten minutes later, I’m not any closer to convincing myself than I was the first time. Numbly, I walk over to my couch. I want to be one of those women that you read about, the strong ones who can face anything that gets thrown their way. Sadly I’m not, I’m just weak.
Another half hour goes by and still no sign of Jax. I search my place one more time to make sure that I didn’t miss a note or anything that would tell me why he just left. Surprise surprise, I’m empty-handed. I glare at my phone, willing it to light up, telling me that Jax cares enough to text me. Five more minutes. Nothing.
Me: Where are you?
I set my phone down and wait. Then I wait some more. Another five minutes and no response. My temper spirals out of control. I’m pacing as I type the next message.
Me: Seriously, where are you?
Me: FYI, you shouldn’t ignore someone you just confessed your love to.
I know I shouldn’t worry, but something is wrong. I can feel it. Jax changed his mind. There’s no other explanation of why he’s not here and ignoring me. Not after last night. As much as I tell myself that he could be stuck in traffic or worse, hurt, I know that’s not the case. He’s not here because he doesn’t want to be here.
He doesn’t love me.
It was all words.
I won’t be weak anymore, I won’t be sad. I will be strong and I will get to the bottom of this. I can’t believe he just fucking left without a word. If he wants to end this, then he can be a man and say it to my face. I won’t let him walk all over me and ignore me.
The cab ride over to Jax’s place is the longest and fastest drive of my life. The longest because I thought I would never arrive and the fastest because when I was getting out it felt like I just sat down. I know when I walk in there, this will be the end. Jax will end this before it even gets started. Again. I don’t know how I’m able to make it up to his place, but somehow I do. I’m in the elevator. Once I go in there, he will shatter my heart all over again. Only this time he can’t fix it with meaningless words.
Please, please don’t be here. Don’t open the door. Don’t end this. I chant in my head as the doors slide open into his foyer.
When I hear his footsteps, I will myself to stand straight. I won’t let him know that he’s breaking me. The little sliver of hope that I was hanging onto, the “I’m just paranoid” and Jax just “got busy with work” or something, dies the second I spot him.
This is over.
He doesn’t love me.
“Ads,” Jax says my name painfully, as if just saying my name hurts him as much as seeing me.
“I just . . . I . . . ” Be strong, don’t let him see you break. “I just wanted you tell me to my face that we’re over, that you don’t love me.”
I’m pretty impressed with myself that my voice doesn’t falter, especially at the end. He will never know how much he’s killing me. Before Jax has time to say anything else, I push past him and march into his living room. Bad idea. Even the air smells like him. I feel trapped in his place; no matter how far apart I am from Jax, I’m fully aware of him.
“Let me explain,” he finall
y says.
“You’re going to explain how you told me ‘you love me, that I’m yours and you’re mine’ and how it was all lies? Or were you going to explain how you fucked me last night and now you’re trying to get rid of me? Please explain, Jax, I’m dying to hear it.”
Jax doesn’t say anything. He won’t even look at me. He won’t deny anything. So I was right. Being right isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. More silence. Fine, he wants to play the quiet game. Good. I won’t make this easy.
“Come on, Jax. I know you have a speech prepared. You are always thinking ahead so I know you have something planned. Did I fuck up your plan by showing up here and demanding answers? How can you leave without saying anything? After everything, this is how it ends?”
Each time I speak his body tenses; he acts as if my voice pains him.
“Answer me, you fucking asshole! You were the one that came to me! I was letting you go! Why did you even bother coming back?” I scream.
Silence.
I need to try and stay calm. Yelling won’t get me anywhere. I glance around, trying to come up with something to say, when my eyes spot a picture on the couch. It’s a picture of us taken two years ago at the beach. Logan made me go with them to Miami for a week. Jax forced me out of my lounge chair and into the water with him. I didn’t even know somebody took our picture, splashing each other. I study the picture again, and that’s when I see it.
“You do love me,” I say, my gaze glued to the picture.
“N—”
“Don’t lie to me. I know you love me. This isn’t one-sided. You felt everything I felt last night!”
More silence.
“Just be honest with me for once in your life!” I stab him in the chest with my finger. “You love me,” I repeat.
“Yes.”
“But not enough to be with me.”
He nods. The pain in his eyes makes me step back. I have no idea what to do. Jax loves me, I know he does. He won’t do this, though. Nothing I say or do will convince him to give us a shot. He’s given up and I don’t know why. It doesn’t make the pain any easier.
“Let me in, Jax, don’t do this to us. I love you. We can work it out.”
“There’s nothing to work out, Ads. I love you, but this will never work.”
All air leaves my lungs.
“Wh-why?” I stutter.
“Because I love you and want the best for you. I’m not the best. I will bring you down.”
“You’re not making any sense, Jax! I love you and you’re what’s best for me. You make me happy.”
Jax takes a step away from me. That one step feels like a hundred.
“I wish that was true, but we both know it isn’t. I’m not worthy of your love. I’ll only bring you down! You were gone, Ads. This entire time you left! And you finally are coming back to us, but it’s not because of me. It’s because of him.
“He makes you happy. He’s the one that has brought you back from the dead. I wish it was me, I wish I was enough for you, but I know I will never be enough. You deserve so much more than I can give you.”
He utters “him” and “he” as if he can barely manage to speak the words. I wonder what he’ll sound like if he actually says Kohen’s name. I tell myself not to argue because he’s right, he doesn’t deserve me, but I can’t. I have to try, he’s the love of my life. I can’t let him go without a fight. I just wish he could do the same thing.
“I want you! I want to be with you. You make me happy, nobody else can make me as happy as you do. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”
Even after saying that, I know I’m speaking to myself. Jax doesn’t hear me. He’s made up his mind, and nothing will change it. We really are over.
“I’m sorry, Ads, I just can’t. I love you, but I have to do what’s best for you.” Jax speaks as if this it is. This is the end.
“Shouldn’t it be my decision? Shouldn’t I get a say in ‘who’s good enough for me?’ I’m a big girl, I know what I can handle. Can’t you let me make this decision for myself?”
“You’ll make the wrong choice. I won’t let that happen.”
“It’s my choice to make!” I yell.
I’m pissed. I’m pissed that I didn’t get a choice on who the paramedics rescued first. I don’t get a choice now. Jax is making the choice without me. Like the paramedics did all those years ago.
“We’re over?” I ask even though I know the answer.
“We never even began. I want you to be happy. I can’t bring you down with me.”
Screw this distance! I march up to him and embrace him as tight as I can. It takes a few seconds before Jax responds, hugging me back just as fiercely.
“You won’t even listen to me, Jax! I love you. I’m living again because of me! I want to be happy again and you make me happy. Why can’t you let me decide what I can and can’t handle? I won’t go back to that dark place, I can’t. I won’t survive it. I want to be with only you.”
“We can’t do this anymore, Adalynn.” Jax presses a kiss to my head and walks away from me.
“Then why did you come over last night? I was letting you go!”
He studies the floor as if it is the most interesting thing in the world. Everything he’s ever said to me is a lie. He may love me, but it isn’t enough for him.
“Why did you make me love you all those years ago?”
Silence.
“I love you and you love me, isn’t that enough?” I ask.
“It’s not enough.” Jax says regrettably.
I wait for him to say more, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t glance up from the ground as I move towards the elevator. When I reach it, I pause. I have to say more, I can’t leave like this.
“If you do this, I won’t come back. This will be it. I won’t keep playing this game with you, Jax. If you let me walk out, I’ll be walking out of your life. I can’t be in your life knowing that we love each other and you won’t do anything about it. I need time to myself to get over you. I need to move on.”
His head snaps up and I think he’s going to say something, but he doesn’t. After a lifetime, he nods. I laugh. A dry lifeless laugh. After everything, this is how it ends? With a nod. Wow. I deserve more than that, I deserve more than Jax can ever give me.
“I was wrong, you don’t love me. If you loved me like I love you, you would do everything in you power to keep me, but you’re letting me walk out of here. That isn’t love, Jax.”
I storm out of Jax’s place and out of his life without another word. Jax shattered my heart back there and didn’t care. He didn’t care enough to talk to me, he didn’t care enough to stick around. I can’t feel anything, I’m numb.
I know I should be huddled in a ball, crying hysterically. Instead I wait in the elevator, perfectly calm. Too calm. I’m not enough for him. How could I be? I’m broken. Broken to the point that I can’t even feel anything when Jax turns my world upside down. The sweet little words we said to each other don’t mean anything. I gave him all of me, but it wasn’t enough. I should have known, this is Jaxon Chandler, of course I wasn’t enough for him to take a risk on.
I decide to walk home. I wish I was in workout clothes so I could push myself and run the entire way. Nothing catches my eye, the entire trip home blurs. Everyone is on their way somewhere. To loved ones, I imagine. A city of millions and I’m alone. I did this, I isolated myself from the world.
After another block, I realize it’s okay that I’m broken and not perfect. I’m not enough for Jax, but maybe I’ll be enough for somebody else. That realization makes me stumble into the street. Luckily I catch myself.
I haven’t been the person who envisions the future. I used to be, but six years ago I thought my future was taken from me. I was dead to the world. Now that I’ve broken through the surface and I’m finally learning how to breathe again, I had a pretty clear image of how my future would be. Jax. He is the only thing I planned on. Even with all the back and forth, I truly hoped we would hav
e a future together.
Imagining my future with anyone else isn’t possible. I’ve been drowning for so long. Jax has always been a constant in my life. I can’t even imagine someone else in his place. Not even Kohen. That’s what scares me.
I don’t want to drown.
I don’t want to rely on anyone else to save me.
I’m not enough. I’m not enough for Jax. I’ve lost him. Even though I repeat those words over and over again, they doesn’t stick. It’s like I can’t really believe it, but at the same time I do.
By the time I reach my apartment complex, I’m dripping in sweat and I need to shower. Still I can’t help changing into workout clothes to go run. I should feel something by now, my muscles should protest, but I can’t even feel a slight burn. I’m numb.
Making my way to Central Park, I put Alive by Zedd on repeat. The fallen leaves crunch under my feet. I lose myself in his music and run. An hour later I’m barely able to stagger into my apartment. I’m still numb. I know my body is on fire from being pushed too hard, I just can’t feel it. The worst is knowing I’m empty inside. I’m drowning again and I don’t know if I’ll ever reach the surface.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Three days.
Three days of being numb.
Three days of going through the motions.
Three days is all it takes for me to realize that I need to stop acting. I’m not that person anymore. I’ve hung out with Harper during lunch, been texting Kohen, and I even had dinner last night with my brother, but it wasn’t really me. The last three days I’ve been a ghost, a shell of a person.
Now I’m feeling everything.
I force myself to keep busy so that I can stop thinking about Jax. Work, excessively baking, and exercising are the only things that make the pain of losing him manageable. If I stop, I hear him telling me he loves me, I feel his hands caressing me, I can taste him. When I remember him, remember us, it takes everything in me to keep breathing, to pretend that everything is normal.
Now I’m choosing to forget him, to forget us.
I’m moving on.
I’m moving on to dinner with Kohen at eight. I glance at the clock to make sure I still have plenty of time. Crap! Five minutes. I’m not even close to ready. Time slips away from me lately.
Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) Page 35
