My anger disappears when I realize the extent of his pain. I shuffle towards him and decide not to push the subject.
“Ever heard of a cell phone?” I ask.
“Yeah, sorry I didn’t mean to scare you,” Jax says quietly.
“You didn’t.”
Jax raises an eyebrow.
“Okay. Fine. But in my defense, I wasn’t expecting to walk in here with you in my bed.” Jax gaze sinks to the rug. “Which brings us back to the the whole cell phone thing. Where’s your phone, Jax?”
“Left it at home. I didn’t have time to grab it this morning. I barely had time to grab my car keys.”
Forcing myself to remain calm, I ask the question I’m dreading to have answered. “What happened?”
Wincing, Jax turns around and carefully lifts his shirt. At first I think Jax’s back is covered in sparkles. Then I see the blood. Not sparkles. Glass.
“How long?” I ask, already flying towards the first aid kit I keep safely hidden at the bottom of my closet.
After the first night I found Jax, I realized that I needed to get my own first aid kit that had more to offer than a range of Band-Aids. Plus, I’m pretty sure my parents would’ve noticed if our medical supplies kept disappearing. Walking back to Jax, I attempt the one-eyebrow thing that he does so well. By Jax’s smirk, I don’t think I pulled it off.
Gripping the tweezers, threatening, I say, “I can either be really nice or I can be really rough.”
“I can just have someone else do it,” Jax bluffs.
I call his bluff. Waving my hand towards the door I say, “Go right ahead, I’ll even lend you my first aid kit.”
I know he won’t go to anyone else which will mean that he will just suffer. I’m about to say never mind when Jax lets out a big huff of air.
“Fine. This morning.”
I busy myself with the tweezers. This morning. Okay, that’s better than what I was thinking. I was thought something happened last night and that’s why he didn’t come over, because he couldn’t. At least he was safe last night. I hope. Jax sucks in a breath when I get closer to him.
“Relax, you big baby. I haven’t even touched you yet,” I say.
Different colors of bruises cover his back. The yellow ones are old, from last Monday’s punishment. Jax left his soccer ball out and Wyatt almost tripped on it. By almost, I mean he saw it out of Jax’s room and therefore he could have tripped on it in the middle of the night so he punched Jax in the back two times. There are new bruises, though. It’s Friday. I haven’t seen him since Monday night so these could be from any of the other nights.
“And these?” I ask, lightly brushing my lips to the darkest bruise on his back.
“He had to wake me up on Wednesday. Apparently, I made him late to work so when I came home from school and he was waiting for me.”
I’m afraid to ask what he used because I know it wasn’t his fist. No, Wyatt only settles for his own hands if he can’t reach anything. He wouldn’t want to damage his life-saving instruments.
“Okay, I’m gonna start pulling the glass out,” I tell Jax once I’m positive that I’ve cleaned the tweezers enough.
His whole body tenses. Not for the first time, I wish I could take his pain away. I always have to stop myself from telling my parents. The only reason I don’t is because Jax swears he will run away and give up college. He’s a senior, but he’s only sixteen since he skipped a grade before he moved to California. He has five more months until college and he’s free of Wyatt. He’s gotten full academic scholarships from the best Ivy leagues.
Connor and Logan are going to New York, Jax is still undecided. I know moving 3000 miles away from his father will be good for him, it will give him a fresh start. I can’t help my heart breaking when I think about it, though. Every time his scholarships are brought up, I have to mold into a carefree smile even though I’m dying. Five more months and Jax, the boy that I love, might be on the other side of the country. Five more months and I won’t have to picture a broken, lifeless Jax on the floor, bleeding out from the hands of his father. We can survive five more months.
It has to be enough, I can’t lose him. We’ve come so far.
I turn his face towards me so he can see how serious I am. “Every night, come here. It’s the only way I’ll know you’re safe. I can’t keep wondering if he’s—”
He lands a whisper of a kiss on my more than willing lips. “If that’s what you need, then I promise every night I’ll be here.”
I refuse to smile, not until I’m sure that he knows I’m not going to bend on this anymore. My hands shake as I prepare myself to ask something from him that I know I shouldn’t. It’s risky, any night his father could suddenly care enough to check if Jax is home, and if he does, he’ll be at my house. I shudder as I think of Wyatt finding out. I don’t care about my parents, I’ll be relieved if that happens.
“Every night Jax. I don’t care, if you’re not here, I’ll tell my parents. I won’t risk your life. I’d rather you run away.”
He squeezes my hand. “I promise.”
I kiss his shoulder blade, before getting to work. After pulling out the fifth piece of glass I murmur, “Why did you wait until now to have me take these out?”
“I think asking to go to your room so you can pull out glass might have raised some questions from everyone. Don’t you think?”
“Okay, but you could have just snuck in here,” I point out.
“Everybody was already up. Besides I thought I could patch myself up for once.” He grins. I don’t return it. “Once the adrenaline left, I knew that I needed your help, but it was too late to ask.”
“When did you calm down?” I ask quietly, too afraid if I speak too loudly he’ll stop talking.
“When I opened your fridge.”
“How—”
“I saw you only had one more yogurt and I pictured your face watching me eat the last one. So I grabbed it and waited for you to come down the stairs.” He winks at me. “Ow!”
“Whoops.” I repeat him from this morning when he took the first bite of my last yogurt.
“I’m in pain here.”
“So was my stomach all morning,” I complain, but pluck the last piece of glass more gently.
“You’ll forgive me soon enough,” Jax says with a laugh then winces immediately.
There isn’t anything to forgive, but I’m not gonna tell him that. Grabbing my phone, I look at the time. Connor will be here any second and I told my brother that I was jumping into the shower. I know I’m being paranoid, but I can’t help it. Logan finding out that Jax stays the night is the least helpful thing that can happen. He won’t be pleased.
Feeling me tense behind him, Jax turns around. “What’s wrong?”
“I need to take a shower,” I say.
“And?”
I ignore him and inspect the cuts in his back. Luckily none of them need stitches. I hate when Jax makes me stitch him up. I shudder, remembering the first time two years ago. We had to be as sterile as possible so he didn’t get an infection. When Jax passed out from the pain, I snuck into his house and stole supplies from Wyatt’s medical bag. I was so nervous that I kept shaking so it took longer and hurt worse. Now I think I’m almost as good as the doctors and that’s pretty good in my opinion since I’m only fifteen.
After re-cleaning the wounds on his back and applying antibiotic ointment, I put one small Band-Aid on the only cut that needs it. They’re not as bad as I first imagined when I saw the tiny shards of glass sticking out of his back. I can’t help but tremble thinking about Jax going through the motions of high school with pieces of glass in his back. This kid is something else.
“I don’t know,” I finally say.
Always able to read my mind, Jax turns around and hugs me.
“I’m okay,” he says into my hair. “It’s just a few scratches.”
“I hate him!”
“I know.”
I hate that Jax can forgive his fat
her. He should despise him for everything that Wyatt puts him through. This is why Jax is better than anyone I know, he isn’t capable of hating anyone. I, on the other hand, hate Wyatt Chandler with a burning passion. If he was on fire, I would roast a marshmallow on the flames coming off his body.
“Hurry up with the shower so we can get to bed,” Jax says as he releases me.
I take the quickest shower known to man and that’s saying something since I’m a swimmer. Speed racer status, I jump into my pjs and run a comb through my tangled hair. Once I’m decent, I return to my room to see Jax sitting on my bed doing his homework. Following his lead, I grab the one page of geometry I have left. I finished most of it before practice.
“I had more!” I say when I see him eyeing my homework.
“Before or after practice?”
Sometime he knows me too well. It should be annoying, but it’s not. “Before.” I’m about to say something more, but my stomach growls loudly, making both of us laugh.
“Go down and eat.” Jax holds my homework hostage. “This will be here when you get back.”
“Fine.”
I race down the stairs. The front door opens at the same time that I reach the last step.
“Come on in,” I say jokingly to Connor.
“Ah . . . Ah . . . Ah,” Connor wiggles a finger in front of my face. “Be nice or I won’t share any of my pizza and I even got your favorite.”
“Have I told you how much I love you lately?” I steal the small box of pizza that I know is mine and lead him to our massive kitchen.
“She’s gonna be trouble when she’s older,” Connor informs Logan.
“Don’t remind me,” Logan says as he pulls down three glasses.
“Three? Aren’t you missing a glass?” Connor says, making my heart beat rapidly. He can’t possibly know that Jax is here.
“Hads is at her friends for the night.” Logan pours soda in all three glasses.
Opening the fridge, I ignore the rest of their conversation as I stare at the yogurt filling the middle shelf. It’s practically overflowing with Greek yogurt.
“Did Mom go shopping?” I ask even though I know she didn’t.
“I don’t think so, why?”
“Just wondering,” I say with a smile as I snag a Powerade and close the fridge.
Connor takes their box of pizza and follows Logan to the living room. I wait a few seconds until I hear the T.V. before I open the fridge again and steal two yogurts and a bottle of water. After loading the yogurts, spoon, water, and Powerade in a bag, I grab a Cliffbar out of the pantry. I don’t know when’s the last time Jax ate, but I’m betting he’s starving like usual.
My steps are slow as I balance everything while climbing the stairs. Jax locks my door and accepts the orange soda from my hands. He takes a sip before setting it on the nightstand. I spread all the food on the floor, sit down and wait for Jax to join me. Once he’s settled, I reach into the bag and hand him a Powerade and grab a slice of pizza for me. Jax helps himself to pizza with a smile on his face.
“Thanks,” I say, pointing my pizza at the yogurt on the floor.
Lightly bumping his shoulder with mine he asks, “Am I forgiven?”
I nod and lean against him while I finish eating. After three slices, I yawn loudly, exhausted, ready for bed. I wasn’t kidding when I told Logan my coach worked us hard today. I shove the homework that I will have to rush to finish tomorrow into my backpack before crawling into bed.
Jax throws all the trash into a pile next to my door and then comes back over to my bed. I scoot over and raise the blanket for him. Without waiting, Jax lays next to me and touches his lips softly against mine. I smile as his fingers find mine. I fall asleep listening to him breathing while he clasps my hand.
“He blames me.” Jax says, pulling me out of the past. “So he took it out on me whenever he could.”
“What?” I ask calmly. Jax isn’t making sense.
“My mom. She left him and he never got over that. I think he blames me. That’s why I always tried to be the perfect kid. That’s why I was able to skip a grade when I was younger. I pushed myself to be the best. I thought if I was good enough, she would come home and we would be this happy family again.
“I never gave up hope that she would come home. I just needed to be better. And whenever I made him mad at me, I thought he was punishing me to teach me a lesson. If I learned my lessons and I wasn’t bad anymore, she would come home.” He snuggles closer to me and breathes me in. “She never came home. She didn’t want us, didn’t want me.”
I feel Jax’s pain as if it’s my own. I can’t even imagine being a child and thinking that. He was so young when his mom left. I don’t need to ask if the beatings started when she left. Everything in me screams “yes.” I see Jax as a bruised child and I have the sudden urge to vomit. I swallow it down and take deep calming breaths. I will stay strong. Jax doesn’t need to be taking care of me.
“I still don’t understand,” I say quietly into the dark.
“He loved her. He loved her more than anything, more than me. I know he never wanted a child. He despises children, but he gave her one because he wanted to make her happy, but I didn’t make her happy, I made matters worse. He would have given her the world. I know what it’s like to love someone and not be able to have them. It breaks you.” His voice trails off.
I turn my head, looking at his face even though I can’t see anything because we’re surrounded in darkness. I know he’s doing the same.
“He was stuck with a kid that he didn’t want. I remind him of her. I look just like her. I will never forgive him and what he did isn’t right, but on some level I understand.”
A lone tear trails down my face onto his chest. For some godawful reason, I see where Jax is coming from. I understand what Jax is getting at, but that’s as far as it will ever go. I will never comprehend why Wyatt did what he did, and I won’t pretend to understand. Some things in life are never meant to be solved. I learned that the hard way.
“You’re. Not. Him,” I say loud and clear.
When Jax stays silent, I try another approach.
“You don’t have to be broken, Jax. You’re not him. You will never be him. You don’t have it in you. You can’t even hate him!”
I feel like if I can get it through his head that he’s not his father, we can be together. I know this is our make-it-or-break-it point. If Jax doesn’t believe me and believe in himself, he will shatter us. We will never have a chance if he thinks that he’s his father. He will never be with me if he thinks he will hurt me.
“I am him! Don’t you see, Ads? I might not beat little kids, but I’m still fucked up in the head. Look at what I do to you!”
“What?” I ask, wishing that I didn’t once the word leaves my mouth.
“I play with you. Over and over again, I lead you on. I let you get close, just to pull away. I can’t love you the way you want me to. I can’t be loved by you. I’m dark. I can’t bring you down in the darkness with me. I won’t.”
“Jax, I want to be there with you. Where do you think I’ve been since high school? Taking a vacation? I’ve been where you are. Shutting the world out. Thinking I don’t deserve happiness. I know what that feels like. Heck, I’m there most days! If you’re surrounded by darkness, than that’s where I want to be. Let me be your light. We’ll fight it together. We’re better together. Don’t you see that?”
“I am not surrounded by darkness, I am the darkness, Adalynn.” I shiver at his tone. When he speaks again, he’s calmer. “It can’t be like that. You deserve more. You deserve someone better. You deserve him.”
“Kohen?”
“Yes, Kohen. The doctor. You don’t see it, but I do. He’s a new beginning, I’m the one who reminds you of your past. He won’t remind you of what you lost like I do. He makes you smile. He’s given you a reason to live again.”
“You’re wrong!” I whisper.
Neither of us yells. We’re barely talk
ing above a whisper, but I can hear each word as if it was announced through a loudspeaker.
“I’m not. You just don’t see the change in yourself that I do.”
“I gave myself a reason to live again. Not you. Not Kohen. Me! The only people in this world that can take credit for helping me live again are gone! They were taken from me. And you’re just going to walk away from me.”
“I’m here. I’ll always be here for you, Ads. As a friend. That’s all we can be. We can’t be more.” Jax says it so sadly that it breaks my heart even more if that’s possible.
We remain silent. I don’t pull away from Jax, if anything I mold my body closer to his. Wishing that I can melt into him so that I never have to be apart from him. He holds me as tight as he can without hurting me, as if wishing for the same thing.
A lifetime passes in minutes before I ask, “This is it? There’s nothing I can do to change your mind?” I’m desperate for a sign that we can be more.
“Be with Kohen,” Jax whispers.
I can’t even manage to nod. Tears run down my face and I make no move to stop them. I let them fall. I feel them slide from my cheeks onto Jax’s chest. Jax shifts and gently lifts my chin with his thumb and presses his mouth to mine.
I know this is it. This is our last kiss. This is goodbye. After this, we will be over. No more pretending that I’m moving on from him while secretly hoping that we will work it out in the near future. No, none of that. This is it. After tonight, I’ll be moving on. Eventually I’ll be happy. Eventually I will be able to be his friend again.
Slowly I kiss him back. Memorizing every second. The way his tongue feels gliding over mine. The small moan that escapes my lips that he breathes in. It’s a slow kiss that will forever be etched into my soul.
Jax rolls on top of me. He stares into my eyes as he brushes hair out of my face. I watch him memorize my face, knowing he is saying goodbye too, and that he wants to remember everything about right now just as desperately as I do.
Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) Page 41
