“Yeah, me too,” Jax says as he follows me out of my kitchen. I have to force myself not to run and lock myself in my bathroom.
As awkwardly as humanly possible, I linger in the doorway and watch Jax dress. It’s a sight that I can never tire of. His abs flex while he bends to retrieve his clothes from the floor. As he slips his legs into his pants, I bite my lip. This would be so much easier if he wasn’t the most beautiful man in the history of the world, inside and out.
“I need you to stop,” Jax says in that deep bedroom voice I love.
“Huh?” I ask, puzzled.
He zips his pants, “It’s taking everything in me to stay over here . . . I’m not strong enough to do nothing when you keep looking at me like that . . . I’m only human.”
Face reddening, I simply manage to squeak out, “Oh.”
All that’s left is his shoes and then he will be gone. He’s leaving. I know eventually we will be friends again, but it won’t be the same. It can never be the same. I was naive to think that we could ever be friends like before. Everything changed the first time he kissed me on my birthday all those years ago. Everything changed forever when he told me he loves me.
It hits me like crashing into a brick wall. I can’t have him leave. I want a forever with him. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I don’t know how. There’s no substitute for him. He will forever be my first choice, the only choice I want.
“Stay,” I whisper so quietly, I doubt that he can hear me. He freezes. He heard me.
“Ads—”
“I know. I know for whatever reason, you think you’re not good enough. You think that you’ll pull me down with you. You’re wrong. God, you’re so wrong. I love you.”
I close the distance between us and stand in front of the man I love, trying for the last time to make him see what I see.
“You brighten my world. You’re the air I need to breathe. I need you. I love you! I just want you. Please, Jax. I know you love me. We can make this work. Jump with me. All you have to do is love me, Jaxon.”
Tears stream heavily down my face with the truth of my words. His eyes shine.
Gently, as if I’m made of glass, he caresses my face. “I can’t, Ads. I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. I would have given anything in the world to hear you tell me you love me once upon a time, but it doesn’t matter anymore, too much has happened. I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.”
“What do you mean? What’s happened? All that matters is that we love each other.”
“I can’t tell you, not yet. When you’re ready, you’ll see I’m doing us a favor.”
My voice raises. “Tell me! I want to know why you’re giving up on us!”
He remains silent, refusing to tell me the truth once and for all. I push him away from me. Something that I can’t focus on flashes through my eyes. For some reason that tiny flash of black and white brings tears to my eyes. Jax is keeping something important from me. Whatever it is, it’s the reason why he’s ruining us. It’s not just his dysfunctional past and his fear of commitment. There’s something else, something worse.
“You’re keeping something from me! Tell me, I deserve to know what’s driving us apart.”
He remains silent.
“Please,” I beg.
“I can’t force you to remember. One day, you’ll be ready to hear the truth. When that day happens, I’ll be here if you need me, but you won’t. When that day comes, you’ll hate me forever.”
My stomach clenches. Something tears at my mind, but no matter how much I concentrate, I can’t reach it. I rub my temples and will the memory to come forth. It doesn’t. I watch as he leaves my room. It takes a second for me to follow him to my front door. When he opens it, I slam it closed.
“Tell me!”
Without facing me, he asks in a strangled voice, “What were we fighting about six years ago, the day of the accident?”
I want to scream in frustration. He isn’t making sense. He turns to face me, his cheek wet with tears. Whatever I’m repressing is bad.
“What do you remember from that day?” he asks.
“We weren’t fighting. My parents flew you three out for my birthday. You guys met us at my swim meet, surprising me. We had dinner together after.” And then the accident happened.
He shakes his head.
“Tell me what I’m missing.”
“Do you remember what was happening between us before that day?”
My silence is answer enough. For some reason it’s fuzzy and it shouldn’t be. I thought I was only blocking out the accident and the memories of my family. Until now, I had no clue that I was forgetting something major between us. I study him, begging him silently to explain. If he doesn’t, if he chooses to let me live in the void, I will never be able to forgive him.
“We weren’t talking, Ads. We didn’t talk for the three months leading up to the accident. You refused to take my calls.”
I put my hands in my face and weep. “I can’t remember!”
“And I can’t help you.”
My hands fall to their sides. “Why?”
He wipes his face with the back of his hand. “Because you’re not ready.” He reaches behind him and opens the door again. “When you are, you’ll remember.”
“If you leave without telling me the truth, I’ll never speak to you again. You and I will be done.” I step closer so he can see how serious I am. “I will erase you from my memory. Every laugh, every kiss, every touch, will be gone. I will forget everything about us, Jaxon. You’ll be just my brother’s friend. If you leave without telling me why I stopped talking to you, you will be dead to me.”
The tears flow down both our faces. He caresses my cheek. I don’t pull away, I allow myself one last touch from him. His hand falls back to his side.
“You’ll hate me when you remember. Either way I lose you, Ads.”
“If you tell me the truth right now, I promise I won’t hate you,” I vow, desperate for answers.
“You can’t promise that. Just know that no matter how much you despise me when you find out, I’ve hated myself for these last six years, and I’ll never forgive myself for what happened.”
“I’ll remember.”
“I know,” he says before walking out the door.
I sob as I watch him leave. I hate that my mind has betrayed me. I hate that he’s hiding something important from me. My legs give out as I bawl for something that I lost, but can’t remember. I rub my face as I replay every encounter I’ve ever had with him. I promise myself I’ll do this only once; after that I’ll throw away everything of his, anything that reminds me of him. The memories blur. I can’t remember a single thing about Jax in the few months before my seventeenth birthday. It’s as if during that time, Jax didn’t exist, which is a lie. I know it, I can feel it.
What am I forgetting? I couldn’t block out the accident, the images of that night have been burned into my soul, forever haunting me, but I’ve successfully erased an entire chapter out of my life.
What was so traumatizing that I forced myself to forget?
Chapter Thirty
My mind is elsewhere while I hang out with Connor and Logan. The questions are on an endless cycle in my mind. I can’t stop thinking which memories are fake, and which are real. Several times I’ve attempted to ask Logan, but the words wouldn’t come. I have a nagging feeling he wouldn’t tell me anyways if I asked. I feel like they’re all in this together.
“Why so glum? You don’t need to worry.” Connor sits down next to me on Logan’s sofa.
“Huh?”
Without missing a beat, Connor says with a smirk, “I’ll send you a picture of this sexy face every day.” He even goes as far as to point to said face. “So you can cheer up. You won’t go a day without seeing me.”
He’s attempting to lift my mood, but for the first time, it’s not working. I know he’s in on it, too. All these years, they have kept something vital from me. I just wish I kne
w what. I don’t even know if I have the right to be upset with them. They might have a good reason. No, I push that thought away. I deserve the truth.
When Logan comes up behind us with bags of Thai food, I open my mouth to ask him the question that’s been on my mind since I got here, but nothing comes out. I’ve been here since twelve. It’s now eight. I lost count of how many times I’ve attempted to voice my thoughts.
I force myself to stay calm. I don’t need to get into a fight with them right before they take off. They’ll be back in two weeks. I’ve waited six years to find out the truth to something I don’t even have the questions to, I can wait fourteen more days.
Standing up quicker than I thought was possible, I snatch the bags from my brother and sit back down. I didn’t even get a plate. I ignore Connor’s jab and dig into my food. After shoveling half of my Pad-see-ew into my mouth, I glance up to see my brother and Connor watching me.
“When’s the last time you ate?” Logan asks, voice full of concern.
“Eh . . . This morning?” I hate that it comes out a question. And hate even more that I feel like I can’t trust them. I know they won’t tell me, I need to remember on my own. Their eyes narrow.
“Relax. I was busy. I’m eating now.” I don’t mention that I was busy forcing myself to remember something that I’ve chosen to forget. I went for a swim, hoping the water would relax my mind enough for me to latch onto my memories. No luck.
Lowering his food, Logan studies me. “Are you sure you’re okay? You can always meet us out there.”
“Yes! I’ll book your flight now.” Connor plucks his phone off the table.
“No!” I force myself to relax.
If I react, they’ll continue in this pointless charade until I agree to go. Which I can’t afford to do at the moment. I won’t be able to keep my thoughts to myself. I’ll lash out at them, and possibly ruin their meeting because they’ll be concentrating on me.
“Ada—” Logan starts, but I cut him off.
“No. I’m fine really.”
This isn’t their fault. They weren’t the ones that chose to forget, I did. Heck, they might not even know. There’s a lot they don’t know about Jax and me. As much as I want to believe that, I can’t. It’s a gut feeling that I can’t ignore.
“I have bad days more than good days, but I can honestly say I’m going to be okay. I haven’t been able to say that since the accident and actually mean it. I’m okay, Logan.”
Logan doesn’t respond for so long I panic. I can see how much of a struggle this is for him. He’s used to telling me what to do and I go with it, always wanting to make his life easier and not really caring what I do.
I care now. I’m taking charge of my life.
“Okay,” Logan says with a wary smile.
“Okay,” I repeat.
The rest of the evening passes in a blur. My phone beeps with a new text message, I ignore it. I want to spend the evening with them, without interruptions. Which is hard since I have to keep reminding myself to focus on them instead of my missing memory. No matter how much I try, I can’t get Jax out of my head. Ironic, the one thing I want to remember involves the one person I want to forget.
Pushing back the thoughts about Jax, I listen to their conversation.
“Yeah. I have everything taken care of. Relax, Logan. Not my first time,” Connor tells my brother.
“Sorry man. This is just—”
“I know,” Connor says with a grin.
I tune them out again as they talk about business. The two of them can get lost in their own conversation for ages. Forcing my thoughts away from Jax, I think of Kohen instead.
I can understand to a point why he gets mad, but I’m not going to make excuses for him anymore. He might not be fully aware of what he’s doing when he’s upset, but he needs help. I can’t be with him if he keeps lashing out at me. I’m finally living again and I won’t live under his shadow.
I don’t want to give up on him . . . not yet. Even though he has his issues, he’s a good person. He’s the only one not keeping secrets from me. He’s the only one I can fully trust. I have to offer him the benefit of the doubt, and give him room to change. He and I will work. For a few seconds, I wonder if I’m trying to convince myself or if I actually believe it.
I believe it.
“You seem different,” Logan says, bringing me out of my head.
“Uh . . . Thanks?”
“It’s a compliment,” Connor chimes in.
“Okay . . .” I say slowly.
“You’re okay,” Logan says.
“Yes,” I say, answering him, even though it wasn’t a question.
“I’m glad, baby girl.”
I want to tell him everything about the affair with Jax, but I don’t. I promise myself that I’ll tell him truth when he comes back. That’s when I’ll seek answers to my missing memory.
Logan yawns loudly. Holy hell. I’m tired just looking at him. “When’s the last time you slept?” I ask.
He waves me off.
“I’m serious, Logan. You need to sleep more. You need to take better care of yourself.” The fear of losing him overwhelms me and I force the tears away. Which is a new thing for me. I never have to fight this hard not to cry. It’s inconvenient, to say the least.
“Relax. I’ve just been putting in more hours to make sure everything is ready for our meeting. Once the deal is finalized, I promise I’ll sleep for a week straight.”
“Not good enough,” I say while I stand up to leave.
“Ad—”
“No.” I gesture at Connor. “We’re leaving.” I point at my brother. “And you’re going to bed.”
Connor seems like he’s about to protest, but I glare at him, making his words die on his lips. Logan gets up and hands my purse and jacket to me.
“Thanks.” I tap my foot at Connor, who nurses his beer on the couch.
“Fine.” He sets down the Corona. “You win. Let’s go.”
He gives my brother that one-arm-hug thing guys do. “Meet you at the airport.”
“Don’t be late,” Logan says sternly which makes him laugh. Connor is never late.
“I’ll miss you,” I tell my brother as we embrace.
“I’m only going to be gone for two weeks.”
I nod, words escaping me. I don’t want him to leave. I know it’s two weeks, but it feels like a lifetime until I’ll see him again. Two weeks and hopefully I’ll find out the truth. After giving Logan one more hug, I leave his penthouse with Connor. The second the elevator door closes, Connor interrogates me.
“Any plans with the hot doc while we’re gone?”
“Nope,” I say, which isn’t a lie.
We don’t have plans. Well, anything set. I have plans to ambush him at his apartment tonight, but that’s not a set plan. So technically I’m not lying.
Connor nods. Then with a tight smile he asks, “And plans with the best friend?”
“Harper?” I ask, needing to make sure. I sense we’re not talking about my best friend, we’re talking about his.
“Not your best friend. But when you see that little fire cracker, tell her I said hi.”
I stare at the closed elevators door. I can’t tell him what’s going on with Jax. If I do, he’ll tell Logan, and Logan won’t leave. He needs to leave. I need to figure this out on my own.
The elevator reaches the parking level and we walk to his car. Opening the passenger door for me, Connor remains silent. I’m hoping that the subject is dropped. Even thinking about it makes me cringe.
Connor waits until we’re on the road, heading the short distance to my place. “Jax . . . any plans with him?”
“Nope,” I say, not wanting to go into details.
“Have you guys talked lately?”
“Yup.”
Connor doesn’t give up, he keeps pushing. “About . . .”
Keeping my eyes on the road, I decide to confide in him. He isn’t a stranger. This is Connor. If I can
’t talk to him, then I don’t know who I can talk to. Besides, he might have unexpected insight on Jax.
I look at him then turn away. “How much do you know?” I ask, squinting to spot the stars in the night sky. I can’t see any because of the city lights.
“A little of this . . . A little of that.”
I force my hand to stay in my lap even though I really, really want to smack him across the head. Just once. “Connor,” I warn.
I can feel Connor’s eyes on me, but I don’t face him. I can’t. If I do, I’ll lose my resolve, and ask him about my blank past. I need to ease into that.
“I know pretty much everything that’s been going on lately. Even before Jax said anything, I knew there was something go on.”
“What did he say?”
When Connor doesn’t answer right away, I scrutinize him. His features are serious, all traces of humor gone. I know instantly that I made the right choice to talk to him about this. I should have done it sooner. Maybe things could have been different. I squash that idea. No matter what he says, it won’t change anything. Jax is keeping something from me. I can’t forgive him.
“Let’s get a beer,” he says, opening his door. It’s then that I notice we’re stopped.
When Connor comes around to open my door, I start to tell him that it’s fine, we can talk about this when he returns from his trip, but he interrupts me.
“We’re both going to need a beer to handle this conversation.”
I nod, knowing he’s right, but I still make an attempt to stay in the car. “You do realize you have a flight to catch tomorrow?”
Connor pulls me out of the car. “You do realize that I’m going to be sleeping the entire flight, right?”
“Fine,” I say as I follow him into a little pub.
We’re at one of my favorite pubs in New York. It’s about a block away from my place so I’ve always been able to walk a short distance to grab a beer. The boys love it here, too. I need to bring Harper here. I make a mental note to call her tomorrow so that we can come here and talk about everything that happened last night.
This pub is the perfect place for something like that. It’s crowded to the point where you won’t be overheard, but quiet enough where you don’t have to yell. Other than a few lamps attached to the walls near the tables, the only real lighting in the place is the bar. Three huge lighting fixtures hang from the ceiling above it. The glass wall behind the bar gives the illusion that you’re the only one in the place when you’re sitting at a table against the wall. Which is exactly why I choose a table near the back while Connor goes to order our beers.
Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) Page 43
