by Ku Cha
Wen Qing nodded his head furiously as he thought to himself that he ought to visit this restaurant for more desserts in the future. He asked, “Why did you suddenly think of bringing a dessert back?”
“I remembered you liked sweets. It just so happened that I heard my assistants talking about how there was a restaurant who made delicious desserts, so I bought one for you to try.” His words were suffused with intimacy of a good man who had a great sense of home.
Wen Qing paused for a moment before he smiled at Yan Han, carrying the mellowness of the tiramisu. Yan Han’s heart skipped a beat and he walked over to hug Wen Qing before he sealed the other’s lips into a deep kiss.
After their kiss, Yan Han nodded his head in satisfaction, “It seems like the dessert tastes pretty good.” Wen Qing was blushing slightly. His eyes cast downwards, forming a small shadow on his face.
Perhaps one would actually live a happier life if one did not dwell on certain things.
So it turned out that Yan Han did know about his sweet tooth, but in these past twelve years, he had never mentioned taking him out to eat desserts. It was only upon comparison, that the lack of concern towards certain things could be exposed.
In these twelve years, his thoughts of a Yan Han whom he believed treated him well seemed quite funny. Just what was it in these past years that made him continuously hold onto this relationship of theirs despite the pain?
However, Yan Han was probably starting to really treat him well. It should be true. He had endured it up to now and there was nothing bad about the present.
Wen Qing lifted the corner of his lips and suppressed the agitation in his heart. He gently smiled as he hugged and kissed Yan Han.
At night, Yan Han held Wen Qing who was fast asleep in his arms and faintly smiled. It didn’t seem bad to live the rest of his life with Wen Qing like this. A life without anyone else didn’t seem boring. Wen Qing could satisfy all of his needs. Whenever his innermost desires wished for something, WenQing would always give it to him. Sometimes he didn’t even know what desire he was feeling agitated over, but WenQing would.
Back then, he would always think that if he stayed with Wen Qing too often, he would grow tired of him. That’s why when he first started working, he had an indulging attitude. It wasn’t until he felt a sense of danger later on, that he thought of pulling the other person back so that they wouldn’t be too far away from him.
Wen Qing… Yan Han smiled as he smelt the fresh fragrance of bath gel on the person in his arms. WenQing could always give him surprises. The closer he got to him, the more he discovered the resplendence of colours within the other.
Chapter 19
* * *
Wen Qing managed to find time to visit that western restaurant. He ordered a slice of black forest cake, and from then on, completely fell in love with the place. He found an opportunity to meet up with the restaurant’s dessert maker and left his contact details behind. Usually, Wen Qing would also try and make some sweets at home. He would contact the other if there was anything he didn’t understand. He would even invite him to his house. Gradually, they became fairly close friends.
The dessert maker was called Yan ZiChen. He was a delicate and pretty, black haired young boy who was a lot younger than him. It seemed like he was also studying for a PHD in some degree. He was kind of shy, but his character was unexpectedly stubborn.
Yan Han once mocked Wen Qing by asking why he liked to eat such trifling things that were made for girls. Before he had time to reply, Yan ZiChen got mad and angrily exclaimed that desserts weren’t ‘trifling things’.
Yan Han was dumbfounded and glimpsed at Yan ZiChen with a forced smile. Yan ZiChen also felt awkward, and become even more embarrassed from Yan Han’s gaze as he lowered his flushed face.
Wen Qing watched the two with squinted eyes and kindly smoothed things over.
—
The situations that followed became awkward.
Yan ZiChen invited himself over to help make desserts every now and then. It also became more and more natural and accepted that he would stay back and eat dinner. A scene that would more frequently occur at the dinner table would be that as soon as Yan Han talked shortly with him about work, he would then start having a discussion with Yan ZiChen over some trivial matter. Perhaps even Yan Han didn’t sense it himself, but no matter how much Yan ZiChen offended him, he never got mad. Hints of happiness would even flash in his eyes.
That was a treatment Wen Qing did not get.
Wen Qing couldn’t explain what he was thinking. He sensed the flickering flames of possibility between the two. He could’ve snuffed it out, but not only did he not do so, he even let the fire grow. He didn’t want to be the one who took initiative to leave Yan Han. His current state was more like he was waiting for Yan Han to discard him.
On the other hand, it also seemed to be mere curiosity. In the end, how would this man who he had stayed together with for twelve years, tell him to piss off or perhaps beg for him to let go?
Just the mere thoughts of it seemed interesting. The corners of Wen Qing’s lips formed a faint smile.
—
However, it appeared to be that these two men were even more oblivious towards their feelings for each other than him.
Wen Qing thought it was funny. He also thought that it would be too boring if the current situation prolonged forever. Thus, when Yan Han was hugging him one day, Wen Qing half intentionally insulted Yan ZiChen. Yan Han subconsciously refuted back in an unfriendly manner.
Wen Qing faintly smiled as he looked at Yan Han.
Yan Han frowned as if he couldn’t understand why he felt angry over Wen Qing insulting Yan ZiChen.
Wen Qing didn’t say much after that. If he spoke too much, it would seem deliberate. Yan Han wasn’t stupid, he would be able to understand his feelings for Yan ZiChen if he thought about it more.
Wen Qing lay in Yan Han’s embrace. He breathed in the familiar scent on his body and felt as though he was indeed acting like a bitch.
Why was he giving the man he loved for twelve years to someone else?
Wen Qing leaned closer towards Yan Han.
Even up until now, he still loved this man. What other reason did he have for being willing to leave him other than the fact that he was too tired?
How many twelve year cycles did a human have in their lifetime anyways? You always had to leave some time for yourself, right?
Wen Qing furrowed his brows and fluttered his eyes a few times to blink back the tears.
A breath too soft to hear, sounded like a sob.
Chapter 20
* * *
Wen Qing received a call today when he was at home by himself.
No one said anything on the other end of the call. There were faint sounds of a man’s breaths and Wen Qing tried to call out, “Wen Bai?”
The man on the other end hummed in response.
Neither one of them ended the call.
After a long while, Wen Bai suddenly said, “I miss you.”
Before Wen Qing thought of what to say, he heard the beeping sounds of the busy tone through the phone.
Wen Qing laughed and suddenly thought many years back to the first time he caught Yan Han cheating on him.
—
It was Winter and Wen Qing wanted to buy Yan Han a New Year’s present so he went shopping around in a mall.
When he went downstairs, he saw the back of a figure that resembled Yan Han. There was a boy dressed in bright colours standing next to him and holding his arm. Wen Qing subconsciously hid away and stared at them for a long time. His hands shakingly dialled Yan Han’s number but the other didn’t pick up.
Shortly after he received a message: I’m working overtime tonight. Won’t be going back.
That was one of the few days of despair in Wen Qing’s life. At the time, he had fought and cut ties with his family for Yan Han. He had also just agreed with Yan Han to quit his job. He was just feeling complacent over having the last
pillar of support[1] in his life the previous moment, when he fell into the depths of ice cold water the very next.
He was angry yet helpless as he shivered in the freezing cold weather.
Late that night when there was still a thick layer of snow outside, the doorbell suddenly rang. It was Yan Han who looked cold and had a few snowflakes stuck on his hair. As soon as the door opened, Yan Han didn’t even say a word as he tightly held Wen Qing.
He stayed like that for a long time, so long that Wen Qing suddenly felt afraid that Yan Han would ask to break up.
In the end, the only words Yan Han spoke were, “I missed you.”
Wen Qing felt bitter then. He thought to himself that even though this man cheated on him, he should still forgive him. Look, he still loved him.
Just like that, a love that could shake the earth and heavens slowly became more and more accustomed to the word, compromise, before it was eventually degraded to dust.
It almost seemed like even then, they could still rely on each other for a lifetime.
Haha. A lifetime.
Wen Qing smoked a cigarette as he breathed out puffs of smoke. He smiled amidst the hazy shadows.
Fuck ‘a lifetime’.
Wen Qing stuck the cigarette into the freshly made cake.
He threw it into the bin, along with soup dumplings Yan ZiChen had brought over in the morning.
* * *
[1] 拥有生活的最后一片浮萍
浮萍 are duckweeds. There are many instances when duckweeds are compared to life in China. One philosophy is that as duckweeds don’t have roots and more often than not, freely float in the water, it is somewhat synonymous to how people could not control their destiny. However, another way to look at it, is that despite not having roots and being at mercy of the water flow, we cannot underestimate their strength. Especially, in the face of storms (symbolic of life’s hardships), duckweeds can quickly adapt well to the situation. They wouldn’t surrender, but nor would they put up a meaningless fight. Thus, these storms could destroy trees with roots that were as long as a thousand feet, yet they could do no damage to duckweeds. I have taken on, the second meaning of duckweeds in this chapter as Wen Qing is talking about Yan Han, and translated it as a pillar of support.
Chapter 21
* * *
Wen Qing gradually started spending more time away from home, drowning his days in a private cinema.
He had to allow the other two to interact privately so they could foster their feelings.
—
The owner of the cinema was a man who had a big beard and was around ten years older than him. He bonded quite well with the other. As he caught sight of Wen Qing, Big Beard teasingly said, “I’m afraid of you coming here. The room is filled with the stench of tobacco every time you leave.”
Wen Qing smiled, “I’m addicted to smoking.”
Big Beard sneered causing his beard to move along with his mouth, “I haven’t seen someone who’s as addicted as you.” He paused for a moment before he continued, “You should take care of your health young lad, smoking really isn’t good for you.”
Wen Qing laughed indifferently.
—
Wen Qing liked this place.
It was quite and the lighting was dim. It was a good place to think about things and recollect memories. He could also watch the story on the screen if he ever became bored.
It was the perfect place to waste life.
—
Wen Qing grabbed the cigarette box to discover it empty. He frowned and flipped through the pockets on his clothes but to no avail, he found none.
Wen Qing slouched on the sofa in front of the screen and was too lazy to get up. He had originally planned to just deal with it.
However in the end, his urges became harder and harder to ignore. His mind grew unexplainably irritable. Wen Qing pulled at his hair and decided to go buy some cigarettes.
Big Beard didn’t sell the brand he smoked.
Wen Qing was contemplating whether to make a trip to the supermarket or to buy some other random packet.
A box of Marlboro suddenly appeared before his eyes. Wen Qing and looked up to see Wen Bai.
He took the cigarettes, lit one up and took a long drag before asking, “Why are you here?”
“To find my teacher.” Wen Bai pointed to Big Beard.
Wen Qing nodded and thought about how he couldn’t even visit this place too often anymore in the future.
He waved the packet of cigarettes in his hand, thanked the other and returned to his theatre box.
Not before long, Wen Bai also entered and sat beside Wen Qing. His hand rested on the edge of the sofa as if he was wrapping his arms around Wen Qing.
“Why aren’t you with Yan Han?”
Wen Qing glanced at Wen Bai before he replied dully, “He’s at home.”
“I heard that Yan Han even repented and returned to the path of virtue for you. I seem to have underestimated the ability of a good for nothing man.”
Wen Qing silently looked ahead at the screen as if he didn’t hear Wen Bai’s mockery.
A senseless anger gradually swelled in Wen Bai’s heart. Why did he lose desire for all food and drink for this man, whilst this man continued to live a life of leisure nonchalantly?
“What? Did Yan Han fuck you until you couldn’t talk?”
Chapter 22
* * *
Wen Qing sighed softly.
He finally averted his gaze from the screen to look at Wen Bai, “Big Beard is your teacher?”
“Yeah. He was still teaching philosophy when I was in university.”
Wen Qing lifted the corners of his lips, “How have you been these days?”
Wen Bai didn’t answer, instead he asked, “Didn’t you wish for me to get the hell out and disappear completely from your life?”
Wen Qing laughed nicely and ruffled Wen Bai’s hair, “Of course not.”
Wen Bai suddenly became like a deflated rubber ball. He retrieved his hand that was on the sofa and averted his gaze before he said in low spirits, “You said I resembled him last time.” Wen Bai didn’t really want to mention the other’s name.
“Yeah.” Wen Qing nodded his head.
“Then why can’t you get together with me? It’s okay even if you think of me as a substitute for him.”
Wen Qing looked Wen Bai in the eye and shook his head with a smile, “I couldn’t possibly use another twelve years of my life to wait for your endless affairs.”
“I won’t do that.”
Wen Qing instantly started laughing. He then slightly turned around to hug Wen Bai as he rested his chin on the other’s shoulder beneath the indignant, yet slightly puzzled gaze of the child in front of him, “Kid.”
Wen Bai didn’t dare move and replied with a slightly stubborn tone, “I’m not a kid.” Wen Bai couldn’t see Wen Qing’s face, but he felt as though he was constantly smiling.
He felt helpless, yet quite pampered.
—
Surrounded by darkness, Wen Bai asked calmly, “Did you miss me?”
Wen Qing remained silent for a long time before finally replying, “I did.”
“Really?”
“Sometimes I would think about whether someone would miss me if I left.”
Wen Bai’s body trembled. Wen Qing reached out and gently patted Wen Bai’s back, like it was a silent act of comfort, and as if he was facing Yan Han.
“Then I thought about you and I suddenly couldn’t bear the thought of leaving anymore.”
“Don’t leave.”
“I won’t leave. How could I?” Wen Qing’s eyes were slightly unfocused.
—
When he returned, Yan Han was in the middle of discussing something with Yan ZiChen. The two both held happy expressions.
“Wen Ge, you’re back?” Yan ZiChen sat next to Yan Han and greeted Wen Qing.
“Yeah.” Wen Qing nodded and laughed kindly.
Yan Han frowned, “Where did yo
u go again?”
“I went and sat in a book cafe for a while.” Wen Qing placed his bag down before he removed his coat and walked towards the bedroom.
Yan Han followed him in and hugged Wen Qing from behind as he kissed the other’s neck.
“How many did you smoke this time? Smoking is banned in book cafes.” Yan Han said.
“I couldn’t overcome my addiction to smoking. I stayed in the toilet for half a day.”
Chapter 23
* * *
YanHan nodded and released Wen Qing, “Come out and eat, the meal is prepared.”
“Okay.”
Yan Han still didn’t leave. Wen Qing turned round and looked in the direction of Yan Han’s gaze. It was the Marlboro Wen Bai had given him.
“What’s the matter?” Wen Qing asked.
“Nothing.” Yan Han smiled, “I was just thinking if I should get you to quit smoking.”
Wen Qing laughed indifferently and went to wash his hands in the bathroom.
—
By the time he came out, Yan Han had already left. The packet of Marlboro had been tossed in a nearby bin.
—
During dinner, Wen Qing suddenly said, “I’m going out on a trip in a few days.”
“Hmm?”
“City H has an international photography exhibition. I’m going to have a look.”
“Aren’t you going to be gone for a few days then?”
“For about a week I think. I’ll take a look around City H while I’m there.”
Yan Han nodded, “Okay.” He paused and looked at Wen Qing before he faced Yan ZiChen and told him, “Then I’ll have to go to your place this week if I want to eat anything delicious.”
Yan ZiChen secretively glanced at Wen Qing before he blushed and quietly said, “I can come over and cook for you.”
