‘No worms, darling.’ It was ten minutes before Beth relaxed enough to go back to sleep.
Peter left Caroline with all the dishes to clear and stack, an activity which, if he hadn’t got an evening meeting, they usually did together. When she’d finished, she went in the sitting room to watch television. It was more than an hour before she heard Peter come out of the study. He didn’t come immediately into the sitting room but went to the kitchen. She could hear him putting on the kettle and getting out cups. This was his way, she knew, of making amends for his outburst. Well, he wasn’t going to get around her that way. Other women had careers and children! Why on earth shouldn’t she? She’d make it work. Beth would just have to get used to the idea that her mother had other things in her life besides children. Much as she loved her, she loved general practice too. She’d had to give it up when she and Peter got married and he’d moved parish; hospital work had been the easier option at the time. Though she’d liked the hospital, it wasn’t quite her métier. She was really enjoying general practice and nothing was going to stop her. Why shouldn’t she have two lives? They could well afford Sylvia …
‘Coffee, darling?’
‘Yes, please.’
Peter put down the tray in front of her, and sat a moment in silence before he poured it. ‘Instant, couldn’t be bothered with the other. You don’t mind?’
‘No, not at all.’
‘Ralph tells me he’s been up to the Big House and persuaded Mr Fitch not to be president of the cricket club. But he’s giving two cups and his name’s going above the pavilion.’
‘Oh, good – Mr Fitch will love that. Says something for Ralph’s expertise in diplomacy, don’t you think?’
‘Exactly. I’m looking forward to the summer. I always liked cricket. Here’s your coffee – is that all right?’
‘Yes, thank you. You’ll have to get back into your stride; you haven’t played a stroke since we’ve known each other.’
‘You’re right – I shall have to get my eye in again. My best score was forty-five against Magdalen way back in … Can’t remember.’
‘It’s no good, Peter.’
‘What isn’t?’
‘Trying to talk as though nothing has happened. It has, and I’m very annoyed.’
Peter put his cup back on the coffee table and, fidgeting with his wedding ring, sat waiting for her to speak again.
‘Why can’t I have the best of both worlds? Other women do. Other women are back at work after six weeks at home with a new baby. They have nannies organised or au pairs organised, and everything goes with a swing.’
‘Does it?’
‘Oh yes.’
‘On what do you base your assumption? Someone you know?’
Caroline sipped her coffee. ‘Well, no one specific but you do hear about them.’
‘In newspaper articles on the women’s page?’
‘Don’t sneer, Peter, it’s beneath you.’
‘You putting the needs of your child second is beneath you.’
‘So I’m to give up, am I? Let people down? Stay at home, play the role of Mummy ad infinitum? When shall I be allowed my life? When she’s gone to university?’
‘Now you’re being ridiculous.’
‘Ah! You’re not?’
‘No. Next time she makes it out of school, she may not go to Jimbo’s.’
‘Well, they’ll have to take proper care of her, won’t they? I’ll have a word with Liz Neal. She’ll sort it for me.’
‘You are her anchor, you see. She loves you dearly; she relies on you for her security. Not Sylvia, not me. You.’
‘Well, this job is only for six months.’
‘I know.’
‘You’ve put your sad expression on.’
‘I haven’t put it on. I look sad because I am sad. But there we are. I would marry an intelligent, highly motivated, passionate woman …’
‘I married that kind of a man too.’
‘You did, indeed. My own way this week?’
Caroline hesitated and then gave in. ‘Very well.’
*
At five minutes to nine the following Monday, Hetty Hardaker rang the school-bell to call the children in. Margaret Booth came out to collect her infants.
‘Rector’s coming this morning – look.’
‘So he is. Let’s hope he has better success than he had last Monday, or else Madam will be fuming again.’
‘You don’t like her, Hetty, do you?’
‘Kate Pascoe is a totally different ball-game from Michael Palmer and I don’t … That will do, boys. In line, if you please. Flick, your shoelace is undone. That’s lovely, Stacey – I’ll look properly when we get inside. Brian, you’ve dropped your reading book. Pick it up quickly before it gets trodden on. Come along then, children, in we go.’
Peter waited until the main rush of children had gone in. He held Beth’s hand tightly. Alex ran in without even a backward glance. Beth had her lover in her other hand, and under her arm her old rabbit from her baby days. With one ear missing it didn’t look the least bit respectable, but she didn’t care. Peter took her into the playgroup room and tried to make himself as inconspicuous as possible. Beth stood beside him, thumb in mouth. Nothing could tempt her to join in. Kate Pascoe popped her head round the door at playtime.
‘Still here, Rector? All’s quiet this morning. Coffee?’
‘Yes, please.’ Beth consented to having her drink and biscuit seated beside Alex at a little table, so Peter left her and went into the hall to join the three teachers.
‘I’ve decided I don’t want to continue having prayers in the church,’ Kate began. ‘I’d much rather have it in here, in school. Takes less time, for one thing …’
Hetty Hardaker indignandy interrupted. ‘You have not consulted me about that, nor Margaret. I think it should be decided between us, don’t you, Margaret?’
‘Well, I enjoyed going into church. The rector does such good services for children; they all loved it and I think—’
Kate held up her hand for silence. ‘Well, I think the rector could do just as good services here too. What do you think, Peter?’
‘I prefer the church but then the school is yours so we must do as you wish.’
‘Thank you. We’ll see you Friday then, in here at nine o’clock.’
Hetty objected. ‘It seems to me that, bit by bit, you are abdicating your responsibility for the religious teaching in this school. I’m to take prayers, you take meditation; whatever it is children of this age have to meditate on, I don’t know – possibly who won the FA Cup or who’s got the most Cub badges or something, or praying Dad will win the lottery this week and what they’ll do with the money. Now we’re told we can’t go into church which we all know the rector prefers.’
‘Hetty, may I remind you that I am Head here.’ Kate’s voice was hard.
‘I don’t need you to remind me. I know, only too well. I don’t agree to this move at all, I’m sorry.’
Peter intervened. ‘It isn’t as if the children are not getting any religious instruction, Hetty, is it?’
‘No, Rector, but it’s being diluted.’
‘I’m sure Kate doesn’t—’
Kate interrupted Peter with a brusque, ‘We have to move with the times.’
Hetty’s face flushed with anger. ‘That is the classic excuse for not keeping up standards. Mr Palmer would never have agreed …’
‘Mr Palmer isn’t Head here, I am. And I shall run the school as I see fit.’
Hetty Hardaker stood up, her voice heavy with sarcasm as she said, ‘Time for the bell. May I ring it, or shall you as it is your school?’
Before Kate could answer, Liz Neal rushed into the hall. ‘Anyone seen Beth come this way? She’s disappeared again.’
Beth had missed Peter and gone to look for him. She’d tried the rectory door but couldn’t reach the bell, and Sylvia, who was upstairs, hadn’t heard her knocking. So now she had nobody, nobody at all. Finding Muriel�
�s door open, she went in.
Ralph found her in his study, sitting on a chair in the window rocking backwards and forwards sucking her thumb, sobbing.
He shut the front door and locked it to keep her safe while he went in search of Muriel. She was on her knees in front of her china cabinet, giving it a good clear-out.
‘Muriel, my dear, we have a problem.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Beth is sitting in my study, crying.’
‘Oh dear. Bang the school, they’ll be looking for her.’ She got up from her knees and headed for the study. Over her shoulder she said, ‘Ring the rectory, too. On the upstairs phone, then she won’t hear. I’ll sit with her.’
Muriel’s heart bled when she recognised the utter desolation Beth was feeling. ‘Oh, my dear. Will you let Moo sit you on her knee?’
‘Moo, Moo, where’s my mummy?’
When Muriel had got her safely seated on her lap she answered, ‘Well, Beth, before your mummy got you, she was a doctor, you know.’
‘I know.’
‘And she was a very good doctor, too. Everybody loved her.’
‘Mummy love me?’
‘She does, darling, yes, she does. Very much. You and Alex.’
‘And Daddy?’
‘Oh yes, and Daddy too. Well, now your mummy has the chance to help poorly people again. You’d like that, wouldn’t you, for Mummy to help poorly people?’
‘Little girls too, Moo Moo?’
‘Oh yes. She gives medicine to little girls and little boys to make them better. So that’s good, isn’t it?’
‘I need medicine. I’ve got a tummy ache.’
‘Oh dear.’
‘A really truly bad tummy ache.’
Ralph, meanwhile, had heard the bell and opened the door to Peter. ‘She’s in my study with Muriel,’ he said, reassuringly.
‘Very sorry about this. Thank you so much for taking her in.’
‘She came in by herself. I’d left the door open for a moment and in she popped.’
‘Thanks anyway. It’s terribly worrying.’
‘Daddy, got a truly bad tummy ache, need Mummy’s medicine.’
‘Well, I’ve got some at home.’
‘All right then.’
She slipped down from Muriel’s knee and, taking Peter’s hand, pulled him towards the door.
‘Aren’t you going to say something to Muriel?’
‘Thank you, Moo Moo. Come on, Daddy. Go home.’
Peter half-smiled a goodbye to Muriel, but his eyes were grim with both temper and despair.
Chapter 6
Muriel called on Caroline that same afternoon. She was anxious and had decided to take the bull by the horns. She would tackle Caroline – something she was not accustomed to doing, but she was so moved by Beth’s distress that she felt compelled to interfere. No, not interfere, just talk. She’d been worried by the thin line of Peter’s lips as he’d left the house, and she knew by instinct that things were not well at the rectory.
‘Muriel, how lovely! Do come in.’
‘Are you free to talk for a moment?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘Is Peter in?’
‘No – why? Is it him you’ve come to see?’
‘No, it’s you actually.’
‘Thank you very much indeed for taking pity on Beth this morning. I really do not know what we’re going to do about her. I thought she’d be so happy to go to playgroup.’
‘Well, she isn’t, is she?’
Caroline’s shoulders slumped. ‘No, you’re right there. Come in the sitting room, please. Do sit down. Sylvia’s just taken the twins to see Harriet and Fran so we’ve got a while before they’ll be back. You’re quite right, of course. I just don’t know what to do next.’
‘You must be very worried.’
‘I am. Peter is angry but of course he won’t say it’s because I’m working–yet I know that’s what he thinks it is. I can see that it might be true, but I don’t know how to solve it. Beth pretended to have a bad tummy and said she couldn’t eat anything, but as soon as I got home she ate an enormous lunch. The two things don’t add up.’
‘I can remember when I was a little girl first starting school, I got tummy ache too, and my mother had to come all the way from the Garden House to collect me. Within five minutes of getting home I was playing with my dolls as happy as a lark. I remember the stomach ache felt very genuine.’
‘You were fretting?’
‘Of course. It took a couple of weeks for my father to see through this and then he put his foot down and made me stay at school. In those days, you see, they weren’t quite so understanding as we are nowadays. But at least I knew my mother was at hand if I needed her.’
‘So what are you telling me?’
‘I think Beth is feeling deserted. All of a sudden she is expected to go to playgroup and settle down, while at the same time her mother has Apparently begun disappearing. And where has she gone? You know – I know – Peter knows – but Beth doesn’t. For all she can tell, you could have gone to the moon, and might never be coming back.’
‘Would it be better if I gave it up?’
‘Not yet. You’ve a brain, Caroline, and I can quite see you need to use it.’
‘I do. I’ve loved being at home all this time, but suddenly it isn’t quite enough. Solve it for me, Muriel.’
‘I’ve been thinking, how about taking her to see where you work? You could go to the surgery and show her your desk and such-like. Perhaps if she has a picture of where you are in her mind, she will settle better.’
‘Oh, Muriel!’ Caroline stood up and grasping Muriel’s shoulders, gave her a kiss on each cheek. ‘Where would I be without you? Of course, it’s worth a try. And, yes, you’re quite right. I’ve done too much at all once – I see that now. But the chance came up and I took it without thinking of the consequences; it all seemed to fit in so nicely. It was asking too much of her, wasn’t it?’
‘I think perhaps so. Alex, you see, has taken it in his stride, but not all children are the same, are they? I must go. Ralph is wanting me to view the improvement in the cricket pitch – since yesterday, would you believe! I’m glad you and I are doing the cricket teas, and we’ve got Kate Pascoe to help too. Isn’t that lovely?’
‘It is indeed. Though I’m not in her good books, I’m afraid, because of Beth.’
‘Never mind, we’ll solve it.’ Muriel turned back to add, ‘You see, you can’t let Peter take sole responsibility for her; he’s got his own job to do. If he was off into Culworth every day to an office you couldn’t rely on him, could you?’
‘Certainly not. Thank you, Muriel, for helping me to see daylight.’
‘Peter is very upset.’
‘I know, and I haven’t helped.’
‘He’s a dear, wonderful man. He’s achieved so much since he came here. We hadn’t – well, I hadn’t – realised just how bad things had become; we needed him to revitalise us. In this day and age he has mountains to move in his work, you know; there’s so much apathy towards the church. Well, I’d best be off. Bye bye, my dear. It will all work out, you’ll see.’
*
‘Tomorrow morning I’m taking the children to the surgery in Culworth.’
‘Are you concerned about Beth’s stomach? Is she worse?’ Peter looked up from his book. He shut it with a snap as he waited for Caroline’s reply.
‘No, not at all. I’m taking them both to see where I go to work. Then they’ve got a picture of where I am when I disappear.’
‘Ah, I see! That your idea?’
‘Well, truth to tell it was Muriel’s.’
‘Muriel’s?’
‘Yes, she came round to see me. She’d pointed out I’ve done too much all at once and that’s why Beth is so upset. It might work. We’ll see.’
‘If it does, I shall be relieved. She could be right.’
‘I think she could. I owe you a thank you, Peter, for not pointing out to me t
hat you never wanted me to work in the first place, and that it was all my fault.’
‘You’re right, I didn’t want you to work. But at the same time I can see why you want to.’
‘Are we friends again then?’
‘Never been anything else but friends. It was just something we disagreed about. I love you, you see.’
‘I love you, too. I’m sorry about all this.’ Caroline ran her fingers through her hair.
‘If it doesn’t come right?’
‘Ah! Well, I made a promise to you that if the children were upset then I would stop and I shall. But can I give it one more chance?’
‘Of course. Take a toy or something of Beth’s and put it on your desk – let her choose it. Then she’ll feel there’s something of her with you and you give her something to put in her pocket that belongs to you.’
‘Peter, you are an angel! Of course, what a good idea.’ She placed her hand on his cheek and bent to kiss him. His understanding of her and his willingness not to blame her for Beth’s problem brought to the fore all her passionate love for him. Caroline knelt down in front of him between his knees. Peter put down his book and gathered her to him. He hugged her close, enjoying the scent of her, the lovely familiar feel of her warmth against his. He began moving his hands over her body, appreciating the slimness of her, the roundness of her hips, and then he took her head in his hands and kissed her lips. With his fingers he began smoothing her hair, tracing the curve of her ears, his eyes feasting on the shape of her face, her jaw, her eyebrows. Then taking her head between his hands again, he looked into her eyes. ‘When shall I ever stop finding you so inviting?’
‘Never, I hope, because I find you overwhelmingly exciting. We shall probably be still at it in our nineties!’
‘Darling! You’ll be such a gracious old lady.’
‘Thanks very much! I don’t feel like an old lady at the moment, but I am getting cramp in my foot. Ouch!’ She slipped from his grasp and sat down to rub her foot. Peter pulled off her shoe and massaged her foot.
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