by A. D. Ryan
“Because you don't talk to me! This is all we do anymore!” I shouted, waving my hand between the two of us. “Well, I refuse to keep doing it. You need to make a choice.”
Her head snapped back as though I had struck her. “You…you know it's not that simple.”
“Make it that simple,” I instructed as I walked toward the bathroom, slamming the door. I placed my hands on the countertop and dropped my head. I took several deep, cleansing breaths in an effort to gain control over my raging emotions, then I opened the medicine cabinet, noticing the empty bottle of anti-anxiety meds. I closed the cabinet and closed my eyes as I continued my breathing.
When I finally reached a state of calm, I lifted my face to look in the mirror and didn't fail to notice how worn out I looked. My light brown hair was messy from my earlier game of hide-and-seek with Charlie, my brown eyes were shadowed with the dark circles of exhaustion, and my forehead was etched with lines of worry for the future of this family. Not wanting to dwell on it anymore for fear I might go crazy, I grabbed my toothbrush and brushed my teeth.
By the time I had emerged, Cassie was already beneath the covers on her side of the bed. I pulled the blanket on my side back and sat down to set my alarm. I turned out my light, and with a deep breath, I lay down next to her—facing the opposite direction. It felt like miles between us on the queen-size bed, when really it was only a couple of feet.
Mere minutes had gone by before I felt her delicate hand on my bicep and her chin rest on my shoulder. “I'm sorry,” she whispered.
“You always are,” I stated monotonously.
I felt her lips brush lightly over my shoulder. “I am trying. It's just hard for me.”
I turned over and took her hand in mine, placing it over my heart. “I know.”
She looked deep into my eyes. “Do you, though? I want to be here all the time…but I just…can't be.”
“Why not?” I asked, begging her with my eyes to finally open up and tell me what was really going on with her.
She dropped her gaze from mine. “You know why,” she breathed.
“I need you to say it. Out loud,” I told her softly.
She tilted her head and offered me a smile. “Isn't it enough that I'm here now, and that I love you both more than my own life?”
I brought her hand up from my chest and kissed it. “It is…for now.” I pulled her down to me, and she rested her head on my chest while her finger ghosted lazy designs over my upper body. I ran my fingers through her thick blonde hair, and soon we both fell fast asleep.
And yet, like every other day, I woke up alone, only to find her side of the bed fixed up. She always left before dawn in order to make it to her office in Denver before eight. Just over two years ago, Cassie merged her company with another in an effort to expand it globally—the long workdays were proof of their success.
I suggested we move to Denver in those first few months, even though the commute was only forty minutes on a good day, but she assured me that wasn't going to happen. She loved our home and the life we had built here and would hate to start over in a new city. She was confident that it was only temporary and that once the new company took off, she'd be home a lot more.
She was wrong.
It was so frustrating dealing with everything alone on a daily basis. There was only one reason I did it—and she was peeking her head in through the half-opened bedroom door at that very moment.
“I see you, bug,” I whispered to the little head of blonde ringlets.
She giggled before flinging the door open and running across the carpeted floor toward my side of the bed, her hair bouncing wildly about her cherubic face. “Daddy!” she squealed as I hoisted her onto the bed and snuggled her up next to me.
I inhaled the sweet smell of her hair as she started tracing her teensy fingers along my forehead. “How was your sleep, Charlie? Did you have nice dreams?”
“I don't renember,” she said quietly, her big blue eyes looking into mine inquisitively. “Why you look so sad, Daddy?”
I smiled and pressed a delicate kiss to her forehead. “Not sad, baby girl, just sleepy.”
“Sleepy?” she asked in disbelief. “But it's mornin' time! When the sun wakes up we're s'posed to wake up with it so we can go to Gramma and Grampa's house!” she exclaimed excitedly as she stood and began bouncing on the bed.
She hopped up and down the length of the bed until she reached the footboard and began climbing one of the posts toward the ceiling. “All right, you little squirrel, let's get down from there before you hurt yourself,” I said, sitting up quickly. I unhooked her arms and legs from around the solid wood beam before slinging her onto my back.
Her arms wrapped around my neck as I exited the bedroom. “Gid me up, horsey!” She was too cute to correct as I walked briskly down the stairs and to the kitchen. I knelt down next to one of the stools at the island and let her climb down onto it.
“Okay, so what would Miss Charlotte like for breakfast today?” I asked, clapping my hands together and rubbing them furiously.
She put her elbows up on the counter and placed her chin in her hands, furrowing her brow in contemplation. She pursed her lips, looking very much like her mother, and it hurt my heart just a little bit more to think of how many mornings Cassie had missed.
“Hmmmm…” Charlie pondered for a moment before her face softened and her eyes lit up. “Can I have French toast, please?”
I turned to the fridge and grabbed the eggs and milk, placing them on the counter in front of her. “What milady wants, milady gets.” Charlie watched with rapt attention as I grabbed everything I would need. “So, what do you and Grandma have planned for today?” I asked as I placed the egg-soaked bread on the griddle.
She slapped her hands down on the marble countertop. “Ugh, she said I have a playdate with Seth.” She wrinkled up her tiny nose as she sneered his name.
“And what, pray tell, young lady, is so upsetting about a playdate with Seth Marshall?” I asked, barely able to keep my laughter under control.
“Daddy, you wouldn't even understand. He's so 'noying. He says he's this many,” she said, cocking her eyebrows and tilting her head while holding up five chubby digits. “But he acts like a big baby. I just want to punch him.”
I looked at her disapprovingly. “Now, Charlie, you know that's not how we raised you.”
“I know, Daaaad,” she said with an exaggerated eye-roll. “I won't actually punch him. You're imposs'ble.” I snickered. “Anyway, Gramma says after we see the Marshalls we're going to go to the zoo.” She was practically vibrating off her seat as she told me what her afternoon included.
“The zoo, huh? And what on Earth is at the zoo that could have you so excited?”
Charlie's mouth dropped open into a large “O” shape. “You have got to be joking with me, Daddy. Oh my gosh, they have everything at the zoo. There's lions, and tigers…and bears!”
“Oh my,” I teased as I flipped the French toast over. “Sounds like you girls are going to have a lot of fun today.”
“Oh, we are.” Suddenly, she gasped and it startled me. “You should come!”
“I would love to go to the zoo, but unfortunately I have to go to boring old work today,” I reminded her as her bottom lip jutted out into a pout. “But…” Her eyes lit up for a moment. “What if you take Daddy's camera? That way you can take a ton of pictures of all your favorite things and we can look at them together.”
She drew in an excited breath. “Oh, yes! Daddy, please?”
“Okay, let's eat and then we'll go get ready and grab the camera,” I said as I placed our breakfast on our plates and pre-cut Charlie's for her before sliding the plate in front of her.
“Thank you, Daddy,” she said licking her lips and placing her napkin in her lap.
“You're welcome, baby girl.” I took my seat beside her and we ate our breakfast.
When we finished, I took our plates and put them in the dishwasher before turning back to her a
s she wiped her mouth with her napkin. “All right, let's head back upstairs so we can get dressed and brush our teeth, shall we?”
I helped Charlie jump down from her stool, and we headed back upstairs together. I went into her room with her and watched as she ran over to her dresser and stopped before opening the top drawer. “Daddy, can I wear a dress today?”
I smiled as she looked up at me with those pleading blue eyes. “Of course you can. Would you like me to help you pick it out?”
“Um, no thank you.” She darted over to her closet and flung the white door open and reached for the frilly yellow sundress that Cassie's mother and father bought for her this past summer.
“Okay, I'm going to go and change. I'll set the timer and meet you for tooth-brushing in ten minutes. Got it? Ten,” I told her as I backed slowly down the hall.
Once back in my room, I made the other half of the bed and picked out my clothes for the day. I grabbed my camera from the top of my tall dresser and put it in my pocket before heading to the bathroom, where I found a three-foot-tall blonde staring at me with her arms crossed.
“You're late,” she told me, to which I laughed.
“I apologize.” I walked into the room and grabbed our toothbrushes, and we proceeded to go about the rest of our morning routine. With everything in order, I looked down at her. “Okay, you ready for a fun day at Grandma's?”
Charlie looked up at me skeptically. “I think you forgot one thing, Daddy.” I scrunched my forehead and thought about what I could have forgotten. “The morning time isn't going to be fun because Seth is going to be there, too.”
I knelt down so I was at eye-level with her. “Oh sweetheart, I think if you'd just give him a chance, the two of you might become friends. Best friends, even.”
She shook her head, cupping my jaw in her small hands. “You're crazy, Daddy.” I chuckled softly as she walked around me and headed for the stairs, with me in close pursuit.
I helped Charlie into her long coat and tied her shoes for her before grabbing my own jacket and briefcase. I slipped my shoes on quickly and ushered us out the door and toward the Audi. Charlie hopped into her booster seat and strapped herself in before I double-checked to make sure she was secure, and then I slid behind the wheel.
We drove through Frederick, playing a game of “Eye Spy,” and singing along with the radio until we pulled into the oversized driveway of my parents' house.
My mother, Helen, had been watching Charlie every day since Cassie started working in Denver. She ran her own bakery and had an amazing staff that allowed her to liaise from home most days, so she was able to juggle both that and her only grandchild effectively.
As we made our way up the walk, the front door opened and my father, Robert, stepped out. His dark hair was neatly combed, face freshly shaven, and he was wearing a suit and tie and had his briefcase in hand as he descended the front steps and walked toward us.
“GRAMPA!” Charlie shrieked as she took off running for him.
His smile spread from ear to ear, and his eyes lit up as he knelt down and braced himself for her impact. “Well, here she is!” he exclaimed as he wrapped his arms around her. “I was just beginning to wonder if I would see you before I had to leave for the hospital.” He looked at his watch and tsk'ed. “You cut it pretty close, young lady,” he teased.
Her little brow furrowed, and she turned her head to me briefly before looking back at my father. “It's not my fault, Grampa, I swear. Daddy told me I had ten minutes to meet him for us to brush our teeth, and he took…I don't know, like, twelve,” she tattled.
Shooting me a quick smirk, he looked at her and winked. “Well, it sounds like Daddy needs a turn in the naughty corner, doesn't he? And do you know who can make that happen?” he asked.
They looked into each other's eyes and then back to me. “Gramma,” they said in unison.
“Dad, don't encourage her,” I begged jokingly as Charlie pecked him on the cheek and skipped up the front stairs yelling for my mother.
My father laughed as he stood up straight, watching Charlie's retreat. “Jack, she's your daughter. She doesn't need encouragement,” he reminded me before turning and meeting my tired eyes. Concern flashed across his face. “You feeling all right, son?”
Not wanting to burden him with the issues Cassie and I were going through, I simply smiled and nodded. “Yeah, I just didn't sleep very well last night. I'm fine, though. Thanks.”
He eyed me skeptically for a moment. “All right. Well, if you need anything, just call me.”
I smiled at him appreciatively. “Will do, Dad.” I looked up and saw my mother and Charlie standing in the doorway. Mom was struggling to keep a straight face while Charlie looked rather proud of herself. With a heavy sigh, I looked at my father again. “I have to go and face my fate now…thanks to you.”
Laughing, he placed a hand on my shoulder in passing. “Better you than me.”
I walked the rest of the way, and my mom smiled wider. She was dressed casually in jeans and a long-sleeved shirt, her hair pulled up into a ponytail. Her appearance was likely in preparation of a day full of chasing a four-year-old around the zoo. “Good morning, Mom. What's up?”
“Well, my granddaughter has just informed me that you were late after you specifically told her to meet you in ten minutes this morning. And that two minutes almost made her miss her hugs from her grandfather.” She snorted quietly as she tried to stifle her laughter. “Now, what do you think your punishment should be?”
With a soft chuckle, I responded, “I'm not sure. Why don't we ask the one I seem to have wronged so horribly.” I knelt down. “Charlie, sweetheart. I am terribly sorry for almost making you miss Grandpa. I am ready to accept my punishment.”
She looked deep in thought for a moment. “Well, when I'm naughty, I have to sit in the naughty corner for four minutes, 'cause I'm four years old. How old are you, Daddy?”
“Twenty-nine,” I told her.
Her eyes grew wide, and she started shaking her head from side to side. “That's a lot,” she whispered. “Okay, I'll make you a deal.”
I cocked an eyebrow and leaned in close to her. “I'm listening.”
“I get double scoops of ice cream tonight after dinner, and you don't hafta sit in the naughty corner for all those minutes,” she said, holding out her hand for me to shake.
I eyed her carefully, pretending to think about her bargain, before I took her hand in mine and shook it. “You drive a hard bargain, Miss Martin. But, I accept your terms. Tonight, after dinner, you will get double the ice cream.”
Charlie squealed in delight before running into the house. “Auntie Jen! Auntie Jen! It worked!”
I stood up, shaking my head. “I was just played by a four-year-old, wasn't I?” I asked my mother with a laugh.
She shrugged, pulling me through the front door. “To be fair, your sister had something to do with it.”
“I should have known,” I said with a quick nod.
My older sister entered the foyer, laughing. She looked like a younger version of my mother, her green eyes bright and cheerful, but she had our father’s dark hair. It was cut short, falling just beneath her chin. “Yes, you really should have.” She stopped in front of me. “I figured ice cream would be better than a half hour in the naughty corner, though. You can thank me later,” she said playfully.
“I'll let you know how thankful I am tonight when she's running around the house like a hamster on speed,” I told her, chuckling. I glanced up at the old grandfather clock that stood in the entry and groaned. “Well, I suppose I should be heading to work now. Charlie?” I called out.
I heard the pitter patter of her little feet running through the house. “Yeah, Daddy?”
I knelt before her and took her hands in mine. “I have to go to work now. You have fun with Grandma today, okay? And do me a favor?”
“Uh huh.”
I smiled. “Play nice with Seth, all right?”
Charlie rolled her eye
s. “Fine.”
“And before I forget,” I said, reaching into my pocket. “Don't forget to take lots and lots of pictures at the zoo this afternoon.” I handed her the slim black camera.
She took a deep breath and held it as her eyes shone with excitement. She cupped her hands together and held the camera as if it were a precious glass figurine. “Oh, thank you, Daddy! Thank you! I will! I'll take lots of the best pictures on the whole planet!” she squealed.
“Good to hear.” I pulled her into a hug and gave her a kiss before I stood to leave. “Mom, call if you have any problems.” I turned to Jennifer and shook my head. “Jen…I'll be seeing you around Charlie's bedtime tonight?”
Jen laughed. “You think that's going to be bad? Just wait till you come pick her up…I'm going to the zoo with them. Do you know how many different kinds of sugary treats they have there?” she asked teasingly.
“Mom, you keep her in line,” I instructed, pointing at my sister.
My mom picked Charlie up and snuggled her. “Jack, you forget that I am the one that has to deal with this precious angel all day long… Your sister won't get a drop of sugar near these pouty little lips,” she cooed, brushing her nose against Charlie's. Charlie started laughing at her grandmother's affection.
I opened the door to leave. “Okay, I'll see you guys at six. Charlie, be good.” I walked to my car and headed to work.
Once I was alone, though, I couldn't stop myself from dwelling on the fact that my marriage was on the fast-track to self-destruct. When I pulled my car into its spot at the office, I picked up my phone and dialed Cassie's number. It went straight to voicemail, which was no surprise since she rarely had her phone on when she was at work.
When the beep sounded, I took a breath and left her a brief message. “Hey, it's just me. I just wanted to tell you to have a good day today since we missed you this morning, and to say we should maybe organize a family outing for this weekend. Call me later. I love you.”
I ended the call and grabbed my briefcase before heading into the building, ready to start my day. Sadly, I couldn't stop myself from feeling that this one would be no different from the rest.
