by Joanna Nadin
But when I got into the classroom Kyle Perry wasn’t there and he wasn’t there at register either. And Miss Horridge said, ‘Why are you holding your breath, Billy Grimshaw? Are you practising for the swimming gala?’ And so I let it out and said, ‘Where’s Kyle, miss?’ and she said, ‘He’s got your tummy bug.’ I should have felt bad about lying about the bug but instead I was happy because of Kyle being ill and at home.
But after school things went all bad again. We had to go to Nan’s for tea and Dolly was still not back and Nan was very sad and didn’t want to play poker and she didn’t let Stan make a den in her airing cupboard.
When Mum came to pick us up, she said, ‘Have you thought about getting a new one, Mum?’ to Nan. And Nan said, ‘I’m not like you, Jeanie. I don’t just trade my men in for a new model.’ And Mum looked all pale and said, ‘I did not trade that man in, Mum. He left me. Not the other way around. HE left ME.’ And Nan said, ‘Yes, but why, Jeanette?’
Mum said, ‘Billy, Stan. Come on, we’re going.’ And we got our bags and I said, ‘Thanks for tea.’ And Nan said, ‘At least someone has manners.’ Because Mum didn’t say thank you to Nan for having us. She didn’t say anything, not then and not in the car. Nobody did. Not even Stan who can’t shut up normally.
And now everyone is angry. And it’s all because of Dave.
Saturday
21st June
Mum was still angry today, which is three days in a row, which is a new record. So me and Stan had to go out with Dave. He said, ‘Your mum needs some peace, she’s got a headache.’ But when he said it he didn’t make eye contact with me, he looked at the pink clock on the kitchen wall, which means it was a LIE. According to Big Lauren, you can tell when someone’s lying, there are seven signs:
They don’t look at you
They cough
They fidget or touch their face
They go red
They get defensive
They try to change the subject
They try to make you laugh
She got them out of a magazine and they’re meant to help you know if your boyfriend is cheating on you, but they work for anything. Like when Nan says ‘Have you rung him, Jeanie?’ and she means my dad and Mum says ‘Yes’ but she scratches her neck at the same time and then asks Nan whether she saw the snooker last night.
So I knew Mum didn’t have a headache really. She wanted us to do bonding, i.e. she thinks that the more time I spend with Dave the more I’ll like him. But she’s wrong. It won’t work.
Dave took me and Stan to Crazy Golf in the park which is the Wonders of the World, except there are nine of them instead of seven because you have nine holes on a golf course, so they’ve added the Golden Gate Bridge and the Eiffel Tower, which Nan says are just like the Humber Bridge and Blackpool Tower, but anyway none of them are really wonders, only famous tourist attractions.
But I don’t think golf is good for bonding, because when we’d finished Stan was the only one who was happy, and that’s because he cheated and carried his ball and walked straight through Stonehenge and just dropped it down the Porcelain Tower of Nanking. And Dave got annoyed because he couldn’t get his ball to go up the Blackpool Tower and over the Humber Bridge – it kept falling back down and into the grassy bit, where there’s sometimes dog poo, and he said, ‘That’s not in the rules, you can’t just carry balls around.’ And I said, ‘Why not?’ and picked up my ball which was halfway along the Great Wall of China and dropped it down a pyramid which is Hole Number Nine, which meant I’d won. And Dave said, ‘What is the bloody point?’ And I said, ‘You swore.’ And he said, ‘No . . . I’ And I said, ‘Liar.’ And he looked up at the sky like he was looking for an answer, only there was just clouds and crows. And he said, ‘Give me strength.’ But the crows didn’t give him strength, they just cawed. And I said, ‘Can we go home now then?’
When we got back we were all still in a bad mood, even Stan because he wanted to have Magnums at the café but Dave said no because he wanted to get back. And so Mum said she had something to tell me and Stan that might cheer us up, i.e. that Dad is coming next Sunday to take us to see Granny Grimshaw for the day, and how about that.
Dave said, ‘Nice one, Jeanie.’ And went straight back out the front door and Mum went after him. But I didn’t care, because Dad is coming next Sunday. And that is PLAN C.
Sunday
22nd June
I told Big Lauren about Dad. She came over this morning after football to see if I wanted to do detecting but I said no because Mum and Nan are still not speaking and I don’t want to annoy Mum by looking for Dolly, and Mr A M Feinstein will be back home by now anyway, and I don’t want to case his joint when he’s in it, in case it is a lair with a tank of sharks or something. Then Lauren said she’s got a new dress for the wedding, only it’s a bit tight around the middle so she’s not allowed Micro Chips for three weeks, but I can dance with her at the disco afterwards if I like. I said, ‘What wedding?’ And she said, ‘Duh. Your mum’s.’ And I said they weren’t getting married. Lauren said, ‘Oh have they had a row? My mum had a row with Alan about the sink last week and they didn’t talk for three whole hours.’ I said no, it’s because Mum has realised that Dave is totally wrong for her. So Lauren said, ‘Is that Dave on the drive with your mum?’ And it was. They were carrying Sainsbury’s bags and kissing. Lauren said, ‘It looks like it’s all back on again. That’s love for you. It’s all about the making up. I read about it in a magazine.’
I said it isn’t love, she’s just under his brainwashing spell and my real dad is coming back next Sunday, and then he’ll see her and fall madly in love on the spot, and Dave will go back to Pilkington Street with his WarRaider games and his stupid upside down watch. Lauren said, ‘Not if she’s wearing those trousers, he won’t’ and I said, ‘What?’ So Lauren said there’s no way my real dad is going to fall for Mum again if she wears her baggy jogging bottoms and no make-up. And I said but Dave doesn’t like loads of make-up, he says she is naturally beautiful. But Lauren said according to magazines that’s a lie, and he’s just trying to make sure she’s unattractive to other men, because everyone needs to wear make-up. Even people like Kate Moss, who look like they’re not wearing makeup, are actually wearing tonnes of the stuff invisibly. I said if it’s invisible then why wear it? But she said that’s not the point and men just don’t understand. She’s right. I don’t.
But she’s also right that Mum does not look like Princess Leia when she’s wearing her old clothes, and so we’re going to hatch a plan to make sure she’s beautiful next Sunday. Lauren’s going to do it. She has loads of make-up from her mum, and tongs that make your hair go curly or straight. Then all the chemicals will work and Mum and Dad will be powerless in the face of true love. That’s what Lauren says anyway. She read it in the magazine.
Monday
23rd June
Kyle Perry is back at school.
He came up to me at first break and said, ‘Tell your mum you’re coming round ours tomorrow after school.’ I said, ‘Why?’ But Kyle said, ‘Just do it.’
So I did, because I thought she’d say no because she doesn’t like Kyle Perry because of the shaved hair and the bad influence, and then I could tell him that I wasn’t allowed, and that would be the end of it. But she said YES because she’s on a late and so is Dave, and Stan is going to Arthur Malik’s, and her and Nan are still not talking because of the Dolly/Dave row.
But maybe it will be OK. Maybe we will just play NBA Jam on the Xbox and drink Coke and eat Monster Munch like I do at Big Lauren’s. Maybe we won’t do anything Bad at all.
Tuesday
24th June
We didn’t drink Coke or eat Monster Munch or play NBA Jam. We didn’t even go to Kyle’s house. We went into town and stole trainers.
It was Kyle’s idea to go to Shoe Mania, because in there they have all the shoes out on the racks and you don’t have to ask for the other one to try them on. Which is a complete security risk, when
you think about it. Kyle said, ‘Like any of them?’ And I did. The ones with lights in the heels that flash when you walk, like Stephen Warren has got. The ones I’ve asked Mum for about a million times but she says, ‘You’ve already got trainers and I’m not paying another twenty pounds just so you can look like a spaceman when you walk about,’ even though astronauts don’t wear trainers, they wear special boots because of the zero gravity.
Kyle said, ‘What size are you?’ I said, ‘I don’t know.’ So he made me take off my school shoes and look inside, and they were a four. So he took the size four flashing trainers off the shelf and said, ‘Try them on.’ And I said, ‘I haven’t got any money.’ But Kyle said, ‘So?’ And then I thought, ‘I’m only trying them on. And there’s nothing wrong with trying them on.’ And I looked around and no one was watching me anyway, because all of Jade-Marie’s brothers and sisters were in there playing with the Spider-Man slippers and the man who works there was picking them up off the floor and the other assistant was on her mobile phone saying, ‘You won’t believe what he did . . . I know. I know,’ and looking at her hair in the mirror.
I looked back at the shoes and it was like they were saying, ‘Try us on, Billy, you know you want to.’ And I really really did. And my school shoes were already off so it was easy. I just slipped them on and did up the Velcro. And it was like in Big Lauren’s Cinderella film, where she tries on the glass slipper and it fits her perfectly, because the trainers fitted really well, like they were made just for me, and when I walked they flashed in the mirrors and lit up the floor. And Kyle said, ‘Keep walking, Billy.’ And I looked up and he had my shoes in his hand and was walking backwards towards the door. And I knew what he was going to do. And I knew it was wrong. But the shoes fitted so well and looked so good. And the O’Leary kids were still messing with the Spider-Man slippers and the girl on the phone was still saying ‘I know’. And so I just kept walking past the racks of sparkly high heels and flip-flops and out of the doors on to Park Road. And I waited for an alarm to go off, or the man to run after me and grab me by the collar. But nothing happened. We just kept going. And then we were running through the town, and my feet were flying in the trainers and flashing at everyone but no one even looked at us. They just carried on shopping and talking and walking. It was like we were invisible.
At the end of Brunel Street Kyle slowed down and then sat down on his broken concrete wall, and I sat next to him and I could hear my heart thump thumping inside me and my throat and lungs hurt and in my side I had a stitch. But there was no electricity. I had run it all away. And we just sat there in silence.
Kyle said, ‘That was amazing, Grimshaw.’ And I said, ‘Yeah.’ And just for a second, right then, I meant it.
But it didn’t last.
There was no one in at Kyle’s to make us tea so we ate Frosties from the packet and watched cartoons on Sky. Then I said I’d better go as Mum would be back at six and would wonder where I was. And I took off the trainers and held them out to Kyle. He said, ‘What are you giving me them for?’ I said, ‘You’re all right. I don’t need them.’ But Kyle said, ‘They’re not even my size, I’m a five. You nicked them. They’re yours.’
So now they’re up the chimney too. And I told another LIE that we just went to Kyle’s house and played football in the garden. And I was trying to eat my fishfingers but the Frosties were churning around inside because all I could think about was the time Dr Van Fleet used gamma rays to turn Zac Black evil and everyone thought Zac had done all the bad things and the police arrested him instead and put him in prison and Angelica Drew had to smuggle antidote into prison so he could tell everyone what really happened.
But Kyle didn’t use gamma rays he just told me to do it. And Big Lauren hasn’t got an antidote. And no one even knows about the bad stuff. They don’t even know I’ve turned evil.
I wished Dad was here. He’d know what to do. He’d go round to Kyle Perry’s house and tell him to leave me alone or else he’d use his spy powers and put him in prison. But Dave’s just a nurse. And he’s short and vegetarian. No one will listen to him. No one’s scared of him.
And then I looked up because Stan was standing on his chair singing about Bob the Builder and Mum was telling him to sit down, and I saw it. On the Great British Buildings calendar, underlined in blue biro. It said, Sunday: Tom – boys. And I remembered that he’s coming, and that everything will be all right then. I just have to wait until Sunday. And then all the Bad stuff will be over. And I swallowed my fishfinger and asked for pudding.
Wednesday
25th June
When I woke up I was still thinking about Sunday and Dad coming, and I was filled with warm. Not electricity hotness. But a nice soft warm, like my sheepskin gloves, or when Mum lets me get into bed with her when Dave’s on an early, and she reads to me. And the sweets and trainers and game weren’t shouting, they were still asleep. They were invisible. And I ate two bowls of Cheerios and Mum said, ‘You’re in a good mood, Billy, maybe Stan could take a leaf out of your book,’ because Stan is cross because Dave told him he isn’t allowed to stand on his chair ever again because he fell off and banged his head on the table. So when Mum was washing up I whispered to him and said, ‘It’s all right, Stan, Dad’s coming really soon. And then you can stand on everything again.’ And I didn’t even mind when Stan said, ‘Shut up.’
Even when I got to school and saw Kyle Perry kick Sean Hawkes outside the hall, I just felt strong and I ignored him, like Mum said. And I thought, ‘Dad is my antidote, and now I’m not bad after all, I’m still Zac Black.’ And the warm stayed all through history, when we learned about the land girls who were all the women in England who had to be farmers in the war because the men were too busy fighting. And it was still there at lunch when Big Lauren gave me half her Twix. And it didn’t go until PE.
Kyle picked me for football. Mr Baxter made him team captain and he actually picked me for his side. Normally I’m not picked at all. I’m left until last with Sean Hawkes, and Mr Baxter just puts us on a team each. But today I was picked before Sean Hawkes and Stephen Warren, and even Sol Faragher whose uncle is the groundsman at Rovers. And I should’ve been really happy and the warm should’ve been hugging me inside because being picked is brilliant. But when I walked past Kyle to stand at the back of the line, he winked at me. And the warm evaporated. And even though the sun was shining hard on my head and the playground was shimmering in the haze, I was cold.
And I knew it wasn’t over.
Thursday
26th June
Mum and Nan have made up. Mum says it’s because life’s too short, and Nan is her own mother after all. Nan says it’s because Mum needed her to pick me and Stan up after school and Dave was on a double and so she’d run out of options. I said I didn’t care, I was just glad no one was mortal enemies any more. But Nan says just because she’s speaking to Mum doesn’t mean she’s in favour of Dave. I said she doesn’t have to worry about that any more, because Dad’s coming on Sunday and me and Big Lauren had a plan to make Mum impossible to resist. Nan said, ‘There’s no talking to Jeanie.’ But I said love’s about chemistry and Dad is the ONE. Nan said she never had any chemicals with Grandpa Stokes, she just thought he had a nice haircut and his trousers fitted properly.
Then Nan made tea, which was supposed to be macaroni cheese but Nan had defrosted cauliflower cheese by mistake and Stan refused to eat it and so we ended up having Sugar Puffs. Nan says her eyes are on the blink. Which is sort of a joke if you think about it. Except I don’t think Nan meant it to be funny. I said she could get a seeing-eye dog if she’s going blind, or even a monkey. I’ve seen them on TV. They have them in America and they can stack magazines and even make scrambled eggs. But maybe not a bacon sandwich because of the spreading butter and cutting. But Nan said she doesn’t like scrambled eggs and anyway Dolly wouldn’t like a monkey. I said, ‘Dolly’s not here. He’s lost or at Mr A M Feinstein’s being catnapped.’ But Nan said, ‘He’ll come back.
Mark my words, Billy. He’ll come back.’
Like Dad.
Friday
27th June
It’s only two days until Dad comes home. He’s getting here at ten o’clock and then he’s going to take us to Granny Grimshaw’s house.
Granny Grimshaw lives in Trowbridge and is sixty-five, i.e. ten years younger than Nan. She lives in a big house that isn’t attached to any others like ours, or on top of others like Dad’s. She lives on her own because Grandpa Grimshaw is in a nursing home because he doesn’t know who anyone is any more. Mum said it was a lucky escape. It’s because Granny Grimshaw has loads of rules and moans a lot. Mostly at Mum. Mum says Granny Grimshaw never liked her because Mum didn’t go to university and Grandpa Stokes was a gas fitter and wore overalls to work instead of a suit like Grandpa Grimshaw. Mum says it’s the only good thing to come out of the divorce, i.e. that she doesn’t have to put up with Granny Grimshaw any more. That and Dave.
But he’ll be gone in two days. And so will Kyle Perry. He sat next to me in circle time and I tried to ignore him because Miss Horridge was talking about the French Resistance and how they hid spies in their cellars, but he kept nudging me until it hurt so I had to look at him, and he said, ‘Wanna come over to mine this weekend?’ I said, ‘I can’t. My dad’s coming home. From London.’ Kyle said, ‘What about the spying?’ And I said, ‘He’ll just do it freelance or else we’ll be moving to London with him to live in the loft.’ And Kyle said, ‘Fierce. I can come and visit.’ And then Miss Horridge said, ‘Billy Grimshaw and Kyle Perry, do you want to go and see Mr Braithwaite and explain why you’re not able to keep quiet for five minutes?’ And I said, ‘No, miss. Sorry.’ But Kyle just shrugged and said, ‘Whatever.’ So he did get sent to Wing Nuts.
