by Mark McCoy
I have drawers filled with creams. If you thought creams were just for women, you’re wrong. I won’t even bother explaining to you why, it’s a waste of time spent on prejudice. Just believe me. I apply face cream once or twice a day, always after I shower. Face cream relieves the face and gives it flexibility. Frown wrinkles, which multiply as you age, won’t disappear, but at least they’ll soften. It’s important to apply cream around the eyes, to the forehead, to the neck.
I use body lotion on my neck and the nape of my neck. If I run out of the right cream, I use face creams that I don’t really like anymore. I find them a new vocation, spreading them on my elbows, knees, heels and the back of my neck. It’s an area prone to trouble, gets rough, dry, wrinkled. Apply a rich cream lightly to the skin. An old cream that has really passed its prime I use on my boots. What’s wrong with that?
I don’t know if you watched “Sex and the City”, a must-see for every man, but in one episode Samantha was shocked to discover the dwindling backside of her elderly partner. Biology is a cruel thing, and this is another reason to apply body lotion to the buttocks. I already told you that women are crazy about our asses, didn’t I?
One more trick. I put body lotion on my feet. Just like that, when I go out. And when I get home from work, I have delicate feet like a chicken, soft, like after being boiled in fine wine. Women want us rough, but not our feet. So let’s leave rough feet to the people running barefoot in the desert. I’ve been there. It’s nothing great.
Many men have a fetish for the female foot. Your own feet should be clean and well-groomed, exactly like the fingers on your hands. You need a mani-pedi once every two months, at least. Again, if you think it’s not manly, think again. Don’t be a sucker for norms. Cut your fingernails religiously. Women want a man in bed, not an eagle. Look at your nails. Do you see any yellow-brown decorations? It appears mainly on the big toe and if you see it, you should know: it’s fungus. You won’t die from it, but it’s ugly. You can buy a liquid or cream that gets rid of it at any pharmacy. It takes a long time for it to go away, and you have to apply the cream regularly for about a month. If the problem is more widespread, go to a dermatologist. No arguing.
Listen closely. When a man shows up to meet a woman wearing flip-flops, he’s already off to a bad start. If he’s also got long toenails that are already starting to curve upwards, it’s the first thing that she’s going to notice. The first mark against you, to be exact. A warning sign. If you have long toenails and you’re a cheapskate, there is no way she’s going to let you sleep with her, and not with her dog, either. If she does, get rid of her. She’s desperate .
Hairstyle
Hair can dazzle, but only if the length suits you. We already talked about washing your hair every day. The same principle applies to getting a haircut. Find a barber that understands hairstyling. Make sure you get your haircut on time. Not when the situation is serious, but the day before you look your best. You can’t go around morning and night with a bad hairstyle. It’s not cool. Moreover, make sure that you double-check the top of your head. At some point you’ll see signs of balding, well before the stage when you have a plate in the center. Don’t wait for this stage.
Immediately in the early stages of baldness, get a short haircut. As the baldness progresses, go for a buzz cut. In more advanced stages, start cutting your hair with a shaver, almost shaving, and at the end, shave your head entirely. It’s a clever trick. People will get used to seeing your short hair, and they won’t be shocked by the change. A shaved head suits many men, and is considered sexy by many women.
Aftershave and cologne
I won’t tell you which one to use. It’s an individual thing. So what will I say? Learn, develop an understanding. Go to pharmacies, Duty-Free shops, try them. Spray a tester on your wrist. Wait a minute and then smell. Take your woman with you, ask her what she likes. Try two different scents, each in a different place. Test them. There are sweet ones and there are woody ones.
Light, sour, lemony, fresh ones – these are for the summer. Heavy, sweet, powerful, dramatic ones – these are for winter. The white, naughty ones – these are for day. Serious, dignified ones – for night.
I believe that you need one fragrance that is your own. A scent identified with you. “That’s Mark’s smell,” she should say, not “That’s Calvin Klein’s fragrance.” That’s why you must choose one cologne and stick with it. Don’t choose a fashionable scent, but one that will last for a long time. Something classic. Choose one for summer, for every day, and one for winter, for night. Take note. There’s aftershave and there’s cologne. What’s the difference? Cologne is more concentrated. A spritz or two in the right places. Splash aftershave in the morning; cologne at night.
Where to spray? The sides of the neck, behind the ears, the pulse points on the wrists, the sides of the groin. Sometimes I spray lightly on my underwear, just for the sake of it. Wherever you spray, don’t overdo it. You don’t need to smell like you work in a perfume factory. It must be subtle and intriguing, lightly felt and disappearing. Mysterious. If you’re going to make love or make out, use less.
Don’t buy a lot at one time. After a year, fragrances lose their smell. Don’t let the cologne or aftershave interfere with the smell of your deodorant. Spritz a bit of cologne in the car, just a drop. And despite the desire to stay with the same fragrance forever, don’t forget to stay on top of things and change. Maybe the scent that your ex liked so much isn’t to the liking of your current woman.
The bathroom
You must have already figured out that I see the bathroom as the operations room. If you’re the weapon, the bathroom is the armory. Enjoy it. Arrange the creams, aftershave, razors, foam, deodorant, toothbrush, electric shaver, clippers, tweezers, and more. Like the most luxurious suite that you ever saw in a movie. Everything is arranged in my drawers like complete sets of soldiers. I don’t “run out” of anything. It’s terribly silly to run out and buy things when you have to. It’s much more pleasant to buy in advance. I usually do this when I travel. As though the time you wait for your flight was intended for a large, concentrated purchase. I already know exactly what I’m looking for, and usually buy seven or eight of everything.
In addition to all of the toiletry and grooming products that I use every day, I also prepare a bag with an extra set of toiletries. Why repack every time? In fact, I have four complete sets. One in the bathroom, one in the suitcase I take when I travel, one at the gym and one in my car.
It’s all about giving yourself some respect. You stand in the bathroom at least twice a day, you look in the mirror, you look around you. A pleasant woman and pleasant tools expand a man’s mind. Start in the bathroom. There’s no reason for you to feel like a king only in a luxury spa. There’s nothing like starting the day like a king. By the way, they used to say, “I’m going to the room where the king also goes alone.” If you don’t buy the best toilet paper in the store, you have a lot to learn.
Imagine George Clooney’s bathroom. Beautiful bottles arranged on the countertop. A sense of luxury and richness that can be smelled from every corner. Don’t you deserve this too? One of the hallmarks of a stupid young bachelor is a cracked sink, a toothbrush with worn bristles, a squeezed tube of toothpaste, dried foam on the shaving cream. Learn something important. You may not be able to buy a Ferrari, but a bathroom like George Clooney’s you can prepare in a day. Amal will follow.
Dawn of a New Day
Breakfast is eaten the morning, The question is, when in the morning
There was a time when I went to London every few weeks. Meetings and appointments that required formal wear. We would put on the costume (a suit and tie) and go down to the impossible-to-refuse breakfast. The amazing abundance, ever more tempting options – eggs, breads, jams, quiches, vegetables, fried sausages, bacon, and all the other wonders of a seventy-euro breakfast.
My advice? Don’t start this way. One or two espressos, some sparkling mineral water and you’re in con
trol. Because you’re light. Muhammad Ali’s secret wasn’t in his terrifying fists, it was in his ease of movement. Float like a butterfly. Remember: Movement is the key. In the office, in bed. If you’re heavy – you’re dead. Why do single men go out so much? Because they don’t eat at home. If they eat, they don’t go out. When I make a date with my girlfriend for a drink, I warn her not to eat before we go, and follow this rule tenfold myself. A person who is full is not interesting. His libido is busy with his digestion system rather than his loins. Busy with his own ass instead of hers.
In any case, on one of those maddened mornings at the Langham Hilton, the waiter spilled a soft-boiled egg on me. I wore a white linen shirt and beautiful blue tie, and the egg yolk streamed down my tie, in front of my astonished eyes, creating a permanent stain. That morning was particularly important, a morning of enlightenment. On that day, I deciphered the code of men who are not enslaved to conventional behavior, but who make their own rules.
It goes like this. You’re overseas? At a hotel? Breakfast? Meeting? Everything is fine. Get out of bed and brush your teeth quickly. No more than that. Throw on a sweat suit or some tennis clothes and go downstairs to breakfast. Just the way you are. Don’t let those snakes in suits cloud your thoughts. They’re slaves. Trapped by the system. Drink some coffee, have a bite to eat, read the newspaper. Relax. Have a poached egg (not fried), have some fresh salmon. Don’t worry about crumbs. For all I care, get a deep yellow stain on your shirt. Pour another cup of coffee, have a long yawn. Finished?
Now that you are light, relaxed and at ease, when everything is in just the right proportion, go back to your room and begin treating your body properly, as described in the previous chapter. The entire ceremony. Masturbate, flatulate, brush, shave, shower. Rinse off the night with the early morning. Spread moisturizer on your face, aftershave, put on your best clothes and go downstairs, dressed like a prince for your important meetings.
Do me one small favor: When you leave the hotel, take a look at the mummified men who have to eat as though they are frozen, fearful that at any moment, their food will end up on their slacks instead of in their stomachs. And by the way, if we’re already talking about stomachs, if you managed to take a dump before you showered and dressed, you scored. Hotel toilets are filled with fat men holding the tips of their ties between their teeth as they try the impossible – to take a dump while wearing a suit and not get it creased. Ridiculous.
Man’s Best Friend
When you have to shoot, shoot
In my opinion, you should have a gun. I also think you should know how to use it. In my opinion, a man who doesn’t know how to shoot is like a man that doesn’t know how to drive. You don’t even need to hit live targets, just knowledge, practice and carrying weapons expands your horizons. The secrets of drawing and shooting your weapon can certainly save your ass, but more than that, they imbue you with peace, confidence and strength, much like judo and other forms of martial art.
Professional gun shooting is based on having a cool disposition, restraint and concentration, qualities that are an asset to every man. A three-month operational shooting course will bring you to a fairly high level of expertise. It’s true that your chances when faced with a skilled professional will still be very low, but the goal is to get you to react to a random attack, when all that’s required of you is reasonable self-defense. In shooting, there are two different elements, two skills that can be applied to any area of life:
The ability to shoot accurately based on experience and inner peace.
Quick movement, agility, and spatial orientation, all of which are the fruits of concentration and focus.
The base of shooting is breathing. Yes, breathing. The very awareness required for something as obvious as breathing is an incredible discovery that will bring you to heights you never knew before. I practiced with a gun for eight months, six days a week. One of the stages is called “The Room.” That simple. The room. You’re in a huge, dark room. Absolute darkness, blacker than black. There are all kinds of cardboard boxes on the floor and sounds from the street: a passing train, thunder, industrial plant noises. Suddenly, unexpectedly, you hear a man’s voice. Two seconds. Four words. You have to pull out your gun and shoot. Four bullets in two clusters. You must hit him in the torso. It’s hard. After dozens of days of training, most trainees have a fifty percent success rate.
The entire scene takes about six minutes, but when you leave the room, you’re sweating and exhausted as though you’ve been running for an hour. Do you know what you learn in this lesson? To breathe. Don’t hold your breath. Fear is paralyzing. Don’t be afraid. It doesn’t help. That’s the lesson. That’s the life lesson I want to teach you. You can do it. Just breathe and believe. Believe that you have power, the charisma. That you can convince people. You must believe that you’re capable. After that, she’ll believe in you. After that, everyone will.
Everything is Possible
How self-confidence & resourcefulness will help you go far
Why does this matter? All you have is yourself. Your face, your mouth. Go into a convenience store. You don’t have a penny. Convince the clerk to give you a free pack of cigarettes. Tell him you’ll bring the money tomorrow. Can you do it? A thousand smart alecs have done the same thing before you. Start thinking. Try it yourself. Breathe. A convenience store is just one example. There are dozens of others. Here’s a random list.
Parking
A man who looks for a parking spot while assuming he won’t find one is a loser. A winner is someone who always thinks there’s a parking spot with his name on it. At big events – parties, plays, weddings, or anywhere else where there are more invitees than parking spots – don’t start looking for parking at the far end of the lot. Go straight to the first few rows. It’s really quite simple: There will always be someone who left early. Or someone who had to leave suddenly. Or maybe just an empty spot that others skipped over. In ninety percent of cases, I find a spot. If there are valet attendants directing cars, ignore them. Go straight to the entrance. Everything will be fine, you just have to have faith. As for the lady at your side, don’t say a word. Drive in confidence. If it turns out that there isn’t any parking, simply let her out beside the door. “I brought you straight to the entrance,” tell her. “I’ll go find parking now.” You come out on top this way too. If they don’t let you drive past the entrance, explain that you’re bringing someone to the wedding, let her out of the car and go.
Think like a winner. Be resourceful. There’s always some guy who is in charge of something. Take the band’s driver, for example. Give him your car keys, a ten dollar tip, and ask him to take care of things. If a spot frees up, tell him to park the car and leave the keys with the guy at the front door, the concierge, the guard, his sister. Take the initiative, it’s no big deal. You can always find the bride and groom’s car and block it. They’re not going to leave before you, right? Start thinking big. It’s always cheaper to buy big.
Let’s say the parking lot really is full. There’s always those guys in the car wash. Leave them the car; it probably needs a good cleaning, anyway. How much could it possibly cost? At plays, concerts, shows, park the car where it says “Reserved,” or be even more assertive: put a sign on your windshield that says “Production Team” and go into the show. Where’d you get the sign? You have one ready in your car. Any graphic studio can prepare one.
Another thing. If you go to a huge event – a rock show at a stadium or a Lakers playoff game – take a helium balloon with you and tie it with a string to your side mirror. When you leave the game, drunk with victory, you’ll find your car in a second. She’ll admire you. Also, keep a bottle of water in the car, along with some candy and gum. After all, you’re going to want some. Why stand in line with all the losers after the game?
Going out
You’ll probably want to get something to eat or drink something afterwards, and every place will be packed with wise guys like you. Reserve a table at three dif
ferent places in the area. A well-known steakhouse, a high-end Italian restaurant, a trendy bar. Ask her what mood she’s in. Whatever she says, you’re prepared. Be a man – let the other two places know you’re not coming. No harm done.
As a rule, try to be a regular at the good restaurants. They’ll get to know you and things will be easier for you. Have a word with the people in charge of reservations. Remember their names. Now, you call and try to reserve a table. Let’s talk about the situation that there is room. If you’re a couple, ask for a table for three. If you’re a foursome, say you’re five. You’ll get a better and bigger table. What’s the benefit? You’ll have an extra chair for your jackets, handbags, etc. What if her girlfriend suddenly wants to join you. You’re a king – you’ve anticipated everything.
Now, let’s say you call to reserve a table and there’s no room. In my world, there’s no such thing. A negative answer is the beginning of a dialogue. Be indifferent, charming, clever. Share the secret of your troubles with the host. Tell her that this is an important blind date, mention that you’re excited and that it’s important to you. She’ll soften. Make her feel compelled to help you. Turn her into your partner in crime. After all, if she had to find a place for her father, she’d succeed, wouldn’t she?
Tell her that an investor from overseas is coming for just one night and that this is the most suitable restaurant for hosting him. Be creative. Use your head. Share your brilliance with the world. Restaurant hosts usually work part-time. Show interest in her. Ask what she’s studying. Imagine she’s studying psychology, and your uncle is one of the city’s most respected psychologists. See, she needs you. From here, the path to a reservation is short.
Ask about smoking, non-smoking tables. On the patio, at the bar. Try a different time. Be flexible. The most important thing is that the two of you are partners in trying to find a table. You’re in this together. Once you’re inside, everything is possible. Someone will cancel at the last minute, you’ll move to sit where you want to. Don’t forget to say thank you. Both with personal attention and with a tip. Cheapskates always lose.
