“I’m sure she will.”
“We’ve all waited a long time to see Gordonez being taken down, too bad you almost lost your life.”
“But I’ve recovered and that’s a blessing. And speaking of blessings I have a surprise for you.”
“What is it?”
He chuckled. “Why do you always ask that?”
“Because I always want to know.”
He leaned over and placed a quick kiss on her forehead before returning his attention to the thick afternoon traffic. “I think I may have found you and that horse of yours a perfect house.”
“Really?”
“Do you want to see it?”
“Now?”
“Yes, my love. Now.”
“I do!”
And it was perfect. It was outside of the city but there was plenty of room for Titan and the edge of the property fronted the waters of the Bay. “I love this, Noah.”
“It’s a former horse farm.”
“I can already see Titan running through the fields.” The property had been cleared but tall trees ran across the back acreage.
He drove them through the wooden fence and up the lane to the house. “It’s big,” Pilar said noting the windows on the first and second floor. Of course, it wasn’t as large as Alanza’s but how many homes were?
“It needs a new roof and some other work,” he added. “But that’s why we have Max.”
She grinned. “Can we go inside?”
“Not yet. I wanted you to see it and get your approval before I make my bid to the bank.”
“You have my approval and my love, Titan’s love, too.” Her stallion was trained well enough now to ride and she couldn’t wait to mount up and explore their new home when the time came.
“So, do you think you’d like raising a family here?”
“I would. Thank you for finding this place, Noah.”
“For you, the world. How about some dinner before we go back to the hotel?”
“That’s a great idea.”
They had a wonderful dinner to cap off a wonderful day. As they left the restaurant, Pilar hooked her arm in his. “You know,” she began to say, but her words faded when she realized he’d stopped and was staring ahead. His scarred jaw throbbed and his eyes blazed. She saw an old man approaching. By his rough attire and cane, it was apparent that he’d seen better days. When he came abreast, he stopped and smiled smugly.
“Well, if it ain’t the pretty Mr. Yates. How are you, boy?”
“Why do you care, Simmons?”
His cackling laugh brought on a coughing spell and he spit the phlegm onto Noah’s boots. “Still mad, are ya? Don’t know why. If it weren’t for me and that island you’d still be a mincing little fop sucking on your mama’s teat. I made ya a man!”
Pilar felt Noah stiffen and she urged softly, “Come on, Noah, let’s go.”
The man turned rheumy eyes her way. “Aren’t you a pretty little thing. He bugger you the way I heard the boys used to bugger him?”
Noah’s fist erupted in the old man’s face and it knocked him down. Grabbing him by the lapels Noah dragged him up and rained down blow after blow.
“Noah!” Pilar screamed. “Stop!” She pulled at him. “Stop it! Noah! You’ll kill him!” He paused and turned but he was not the man she loved. The seething eyes holding hers were feral, maddened, frightening. Then they cleared and he dropped the man to the pavement. He stared down emotionlessly as the old man lay moaning, with blood streaming from his mouth and nose.
“He needs a doctor,” Pilar said urgently.
“Yes he does.” He dragged him to the nearest doorway and tossed him inside. “This man need a doctor!” That done, he turned to her. “How’s that?” And he started up the street again as if he didn’t care whether she followed or not.
He didn’t speak to her for the rest of the evening and she was awakened much later by his shouts and cries as he wrestled within the throes of a nightmare. It was the most awful night of Pilar’s marriage.
Or so she thought.
He had very little to say on the train ride back to the ranch. When they returned home, Drew was the only one in the house and in response to his normal questions about the trip, Noah was aloof. Then as if he’d wanted nothing else to do with them, he left the parlor without saying a word. Pilar dropped into a chair.
A visibly stunned Drew asked, “What happened?”
She related the details of the fight.
“What did the old man do to deserve such a beating? Who was he?”
“I don’t know.” Drew was her favorite brother-in-law and she knew how close he and Noah were, so she told him first about the phlegm on the boots and then what the man said.
Drew’s eyes widened. “Dios!” He whispered, “No wonder he came back from the island the way he did. My poor brother. I think I’m going to be sick.” He ran his hands over his hair. “Oh God! Oh God! I need to talk to him.”
“No!” She sensed Noah wouldn’t approve of her sharing what she’d heard, but Drew was already running inside.
Noah was in his room seated out on the balcony when he heard the knock. He ignored it. More knocking followed, stronger this time. He ignored it.
Then came the muffled sound of Drew yelling, “Noah, open this damn door or I swear I’ll break it down.”
He doubted Drew was strong enough but thought Logan might be able to if they were out there together, so he stood and went to the door, undid the lock, and opened it. “What?”
“Pilar told me what happened.”
“What do you want?”
“Have you been this surly with her?”
Noah did not want to have this conversation. All he wanted was to be left alone. He backed away from the door and Drew followed him inside.
Drew asked, “Well, have you?”
“That’s none of your concern.”
“Then the answer’s yes. You plan on treating Mama the same way?”
“Dammit, Drew, what do you want?”
“To help if I can.”
“You can’t. Did Pilar tell you what Simmons said, too?”
Drew nodded.
Noah wanted to break something.
“Let me try. You’re my brother. I love you.”
“Are you after the full story? Is that why you came up here?” he yelled. “They raped me for three consecutive nights. I convinced a guard to trade me a machete for the gold St. Christopher medal around my neck and when they came for me that fourth night, I sliced up the ringleader so fiercely his arms were hanging from his shoulders by a thread. He bled to death at my feet and I was glad. His friends who’d watched and laughed those first three nights scattered like sheep.” He met his brother’s horrified gaze. “Now you know.”
“Noah, I’m so sorry,” Drew whispered.
“So am I.” And he turned and walked back out to the verandah. The parts of him that loved his brother knew he’d been ugly and harsh, but the part of him being ruled by horror and pain didn’t care.
Alanza came home a few hours later. Pilar was seated out on the patio with Drew.
She took one look at their faces. “What’s wrong?”
“Noah’s nightmares have turned him mad,” Pilar said.
“Nightmares? What nightmares?”
Pilar couldn’t bear seeing any more heartache, so she got to her feet. “Drew will tell you. I’m going to ride Titan and clear my head.” She knew she was taking the coward’s way out, but at that moment, she was tired of being strong. Every fiber of her being wanted to help her husband but she didn’t know how.
When Pilar returned she knew Drew had told his mother the story because Alanza’s eyes were red and puffy. With her blessing, Pilar holed up in the suite her sister and mother had vacated and spent the rest of the day there. By evening, her spirit somewhat restored, she went to her own rooms to see if Noah wished to talk. He was in the sitting room and said accusingly in a flat, cold voice, “How dare you tell my brother somethi
ng so private.”
She closed her eyes as her heart broke again, but she didn’t apologize. “Your brother loves you, so do I.” She steeled herself for an argument, but instead he said, “I’m going for a ride. No need for you to wait up.”
Hours later, she was awakened by the sound of the piano. Slipping from the bed, she eased open the door to listen. It sounded like a storm on the sea, much like the painting that once hung in his quarters on the Alanza, complete with the musical equivalent of rumbling thunder and flashes of lightning, and a darkness that was at once angry yet beautiful. She didn’t know if the composition was his own or created by someone else. Still wanting to help but not knowing how, she went back to the bed and sat and listened to him play for hours. When she finally fell asleep he was still playing.
The following morning, he walked into the bedroom at dawn and announced that he’d be going back to San Francisco.
Pilar was certain that he hadn’t slept. “Will you be back this weekend?” In the past he’d always come home Friday evenings.
“I don’t know.”
She sat, silent while he packed. More than a few times she saw him look her way and there was a bleakness and an anguish in his eyes that seemed to rise from his soul. He was in hell and because he was, she was, too.
He finished packing, gave her a final glance and walked out of the bedroom. He didn’t say good-bye.
Chapter 26
Noah rented a room in San Francisco and hoped to keep his demons at bay by working, but it didn’t help. For the next two weeks, the nightmares haunted him every night, as did the hurt he saw reflected in Pilar’s eye when he left her, and he knew something had to be done. She deserved so much better than to be married to someone who slipped into madness because of his dreams.
One evening after the men had gone home for the day, he stood on the silent dock and looked out at the bay. There was a storm coming. The waves were rising with caps of white and the wind was blowing hard enough to catch the edges of his coat. The conditions mirrored how he felt inside—angry, raw, so raw he’d nearly beaten an old man to death and done maybe irrevocable harm to his relationship with his family and more important, his wife and his marriage. The pain in Pilar’s eye was his fault and his alone, but how could he fix that when he couldn’t fix himself? For a long time her love and the life they were building had been his salvation. There’d been no nightmares, they’d been happy, playful—perfect. And then, Simmons appeared and his sneering words brought back the terror, the horror, and yes, the shame, and all he wanted to do was make it stop even if it meant taking the man’s life. He sighed and ran his hands down his face. Ten years had come and gone and the happenings on that island still held him in thrall like a slave in chains, and no matter what he did he could not break free. If he went back and confronted his ghosts would that help him begin to heal? He knew he’d never be able to banish the memories of what happened there entirely but if he could make peace enough with it and with himself, could he get on with his life? He didn’t have an answer but it was all he could think to do. To not do anything was to live with the reality of having broken Pilar’s heart and that was more than he could bear.
So he took the train home the following morning. When he arrived she was sitting with his mother in her study.
His mother said, “Noah.”
“Mama.”
She didn’t say welcome home, or ask how long he’d be staying but he supposed he’d stopped earning such a loving response. She, too, was owed a respite from the hurt he’d seen in her eyes.
He turned his attention to Pilar. “May I speak with you?”
Alanza rose from her chair. “I’ll let you have some privacy.”
She exited and closed the door softly.
“So, what do you wish to speak with me about?”
He’d been away for two weeks without a word to her and her bluntness was expected. “I’m going back to the island where the nightmares began. The old man I beat so badly was the captain who shanghaied me.”
“And the one who gave you the scar?”
“Yes. I’m hoping if I return I can rid myself of all this darkness and hurt.”
“When will you leave?”
“As soon as I can.”
She didn’t respond at first and he wished he knew what she was thinking. Finally, she said, “Then go—with my blessings, so you can come back to me and to our child.”
He froze.
She offered a bittersweet smile. “Yes. Dr. Lloyd said the baby will be born late spring.”
His knees went weak. “How long have you known?”
“A few weeks. I wanted to tell you, but . . .” She shrugged as if no other words were needed.
He understood fully and was at once embarrassed and contrite that he’d treated her so badly she didn’t think he cared enough to want to know.
“May I ask a large favor?”
“What is it?”
“Can I hold you? Please?”
Tears filled her eyes. She studied him for a long moment but slowly stood. He closed the distance between them and as he eased her in against his heart and tightened his arms, the strong swell of emotion made him ache. “I’m so sorry for hurting you, Pilar. I do love you. I may not have acted like it these past few weeks, but I do. Fiercely.”
“I love you, too,” she whispered. “But I can’t live this way, Noah. I won’t live this way.”
“I don’t blame you for wanting to leave me, but please, don’t.”
She leaned back. “Then go and do what you need to. The baby and I will be here when you return.” After placing a soft kiss against his scar, she was gone.
His mother came back in and he said to her. “Mama, I want to apologize for all the hurt and chaos.”
“From what Drew told me, you earned the right to them both, but you’ve treated Pilar abominably.”
“I know. I’ll make it up to her. I promise.” He then revealed his plan.
“It can’t hurt. Do you have a boat?”
“I’ve leased one and have a crew.”
“Then go and come back to us as whole as you can. Make peace with your brother first though.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“And your mother needs to hug you before you go.”
He walked into her outstretched arms and thanked God for her love. “You will watch over Pilar?”
“No, Noah, I’m putting her and my newest grandchild out of my house just as soon as you leave. What a ridiculous question, and besides, Pilar can take care of herself. Ask that man who shot you. If she hadn’t intervened Gordonez and Lavinia might be still plotting ways to kill you.”
He had no idea what she was referencing. “What are you talking about?”
“Pilar never told you?”
“No.”
So she told him the story of what transpired while he had one foot in death’s door, and when she finished, he stared in amazement.
“We all assumed she told you.”
“My God. No.”
“You’re married to a very special woman, Noah Yates, and the fact that you’re willing to travel all that way and walk in the shoes of your past shows you may have figured that out. Now, go and talk to Andrew.”
“I love you, Mama.”
“I love you, too, my youngest.”
“Is Drew at home or in town?”
“Home. Billie and Mariah are up in Seattle to deliver a dress to one of Mariah’s clients. Little Maria went with them but Tonio the Terror was left behind with his father.”
Riding to Drew’s Noah hoped to get another look at Pilar before he departed in earnest but when he looked up at their verandah, he didn’t see her.
Drew answered the door. The look on his face showed his displeasure, so to keep from having the door slammed in his face, Noah said, “I came over to apologize.”
“That’s a good start. Come on in.”
The house was in shambles. There were toys and dirty little boy’s clothing and s
hoes strewn about along with glasses and saucers and napkins and so many other items that Noah had to stop looking at it all. Then Tonio appeared—butt naked. Noah glanced at his brother.
“He will not keep his clothes on. Short of dressing him and tying him to a chair—Lord, how does Billie do this? How did Mama do this—there were three of us!”
“In truth there were only two. Logan was forty years old at birth.”
Tonio ran to Noah screaming, “Unca Wo-wa.”
It was toddler speak for “Uncle Noah.” Noah picked him up. “How are you, Tonio?”
“Fine.”
“Are you being good for your papa?”
He shook his head. “No.”
Holding on to his laugh, Noah put him back on his feet and the boy ran off and disappeared.
Noah said, “Mama also had a bullwhip.”
“Maybe I’ll have somebody give me one for my next birthday—better yet, a wig because by then I’ll be bald from tearing my hair out.”
“How long has Billie been gone?”
“Two days. Due back tomorrow and if she comes home and finds the house this way, I’ll be sleeping in the barn.”
Noah hoped that when Pilar had their baby he’d be better at child maintenance than Drew was, but he probably wouldn’t be.
“So you were apologizing. Come in the kitchen. He’s yet to destroy the chairs in there.”
In the kitchen Noah was stopped short by the big red circles drawn on one of the cream-colored walls.
Drew gestured him to a chair and said by way of explanation, “Billie’s lip paint. He did that about ten minutes after she left. Writing my obituary now because I have no idea how to remove it.”
Noah dearly hoped he was better. “As I said, I owe you an apology. You were just trying to help.”
“I was. I’m sorry that happened to you, Noah. It’s enough to give anyone nightmares.”
Noah then shared his plan about returning to the island.
“I’ll go with you if you think that would make it easier,” Drew responded.
Noah shook his head. “Thank you for the offer but I need to do this alone.”
“You’ve talked to Pilar?”
“I have. I feel so bad about the way I’ve treated her. She told me we have a baby on the way, but you probably already know that.”
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