by A. K. Evans
I lost it.
I turned around so fast and lashed out at him.
“What the hell is wrong with you?!” I shouted, my arms coming out and pushing him away from me.
“Relax, Lex, it was just a joke.”
“It’s not a fucking joke, Logan,” I shot back, my heart pounding so hard in my chest. “Grow the fuck up already!”
He stared at me in shock.
Never.
I’d never spoken to him like that before.
“Lexi, what’s wrong?” Luke chimed in.
My gut twisted in despair. I lost my cool in front of them.
Shaking my head, I apologized, “I’m sorry. I’m fine. It’s just been a long couple of weeks with switching schools, getting moved, and trying to find a part-time job.”
My brothers gave me looks that told me they didn’t necessarily believe I was giving them the truth.
“Are you sure?” Logan asked.
I nodded quickly and repeated, “I’m sorry, Logan. I shouldn’t have said that.”
He held my gaze a minute before he quickly brushed it off. “No harm done.”
“Thanks again for bringing this here for me today,” I told the both of them, waving my hand in the direction of the exercise equipment. “I really appreciate it.”
“You’re welcome,” Luke replied. “You need anything else?”
I shook my head.
At that, Luke and Logan left. The second they walked out of my apartment, I fell to the floor and cried my eyes out. They were two of the four people in my life that I knew I could always trust and depend on to be there for me and I’d just treated Logan like garbage.
Guilt consumed me more than it had over the last two months and I couldn’t control it any longer. I cried for a long time, hating myself for everything I’d done. And for everything I didn’t do.
When I’d gotten it all out, I grabbed my purse, my keys, and got in my car.
Now that I was parked here and had replayed the awful things in my head, I made my decision. I got out and walked into the building.
When I entered, I was greeted by two women. One was sitting at a reception desk, the other was standing beside it. They looked at me with friendly faces and both said, “Hi.”
“Hi,” I began. “I’m looking for Dr. Lane.”
“That’s me,” the woman who was standing declared.
My eyes were pleading with hers when I stated, “I think I need your help.”
Four years later
My phone started ringing. I had just pulled into a parking spot outside of the little café in downtown Windsor where I was scheduled to meet Elle at for a brunch meeting in fifteen minutes.
It was early April, so the weather hadn’t quite warmed up enough to feel like spring had arrived. The highs were in the low forties and since it was still only late morning, the current temperature was somewhere in the mid-to-high thirties. I left my car running with the heat on while I fished my phone out of my purse.
Looking down at the display I saw that it was Elle calling me.
“Hey, El. What’s up?”
She sounded a bit flustered when she responded, “I’m sorry, Lex. I am just now leaving home, so I’m running behind. I should be there in about twenty minutes, though.”
“Ok. I just got here; I’ll run in and grab a seat. And probably a coffee, too. Do you want me to order you a cup of tea?”
“That’ll be perfect. See you in a few.”
I disconnected with Elle, turned off the car, and gathered up my things for our meeting before heading into the café. Stepping inside, I found a small booth for two that was unoccupied. I claimed the booth and settled in on the side facing the front door so I could see Elle when she walked in.
After ordering my coffee and Elle’s tea, I pulled out my laptop and my day planner to get my thoughts organized.
I worked as Elle’s publicist. She was a musician and mostly performed at local venues. The two of us had grown close over the last few months. Not quite a year ago, Elle found herself in a bit of a situation that resulted not only in a near-death experience, but also left her with the need for a publicist. Our mutual friend and my former employer, Monroe, got us hooked up with each other and the rest is history.
I graduated from college last year and, despite sending out multiple resumes for jobs in my field just before graduating, I hadn’t had any luck finding a position. My brother, Luke, got a call from his best friend, Stone, telling him that his girlfriend was looking for a receptionist for her new dance studio. Monroe was Stone’s girlfriend at the time. With no other job offers on the table, I jumped at the opportunity.
I still work with Monroe now, but no longer as her receptionist. She’s got several dance instructors and a couple of receptionists working with her. I merely work with her on occasion when she’s looking for advice on an event she wants to host. Once she got me hooked up with Elle, I decided to take a risk and try my hand at opening up my own agency. Of course, I was currently a one-woman show, but I was determined to prove myself.
Elle was my first big client. I was just happy that the two of us clicked immediately. It wasn’t long before I was not only acting as her publicist, but took over the role of agent and manager as well. My years at college left a lot to be desired, but they gave me the foundation to successfully pursue this career. For Elle, I was everything wrapped up into one and I did it partly because I knew how, but mostly because I considered her to be my friend. And I had learned a long time ago that when you find someone who is a good person, you should hang on to them.
My other big client was Blackman Boards. Luke is a snowboarder and is sponsored by Blackman Boards. Just a few months ago, Luke and his two best friends competed in the Olympics. Luke won the gold medal in his discipline; I was so proud of him. Prior to the guys going out to Salt Lake City for the Olympics, I managed to use my skills to snag them a spot on a nationally-televised morning talk show. When Wes, the owner of Blackman Boards and one of Luke’s best friends, heard what I had done, he wanted to hire me.
As lucrative as the full-time position with Blackman Boards would have been, I stood firm in my decision to have my own agency. So, I politely declined the job offer, but Wes and I came to an agreement. When they needed a publicist, I’d be there.
I was flipping through my day planner to review my packed schedule for the upcoming week when I heard, “I’m so sorry, Lex.”
I glanced up in the direction of the voice and saw Elle striding toward the booth.
“It’s ok, Elle. I’ve been using the time to try and organize my thoughts on my upcoming week anyway,” I responded as she settled herself into the seat across from me.
“Busy?”
I nodded, “Busiest week yet. But potentially a very promising one. After our meeting this morning, I’ve got an appointment to look at two office spaces. Tomorrow and Wednesday are full. Both days each have one more office showing and several meetings with current and potential clients. I’m hoping one of the office spaces will work well and I can make a decision on renting one of them by no later than Thursday because traveling all over Windsor and Rising Sun for meetings is rapidly losing its appeal.”
“I’ve got to be honest,” she started. “That sounds like zero fun. You know me; I hear the word schedule and it makes me shudder.”
I let out a laugh and agreed, “It’s a daunting week, but I’m up for the challenge. I like being busy anyway. It keeps my mind focused on productive things.”
“Well, your determination is certainly paying off. I still can’t believe you’ve only just graduated a year ago and you’re already opening your own agency.”
“And it’s all thanks to you and your brother,” I shared. “Between you and Wes sending referrals my way, I’ll be busy for the next few months.”
She grinned at me. “That’s what happens when you’re good at what you do.”
I appreciated her positive praise. It felt good to know that people I knew and respec
ted for their talent thought I was capable of handling some of their most important affairs.
Elle and I ordered our food and discussed some of the details for the meet-and-greet while we waited for the food to arrive. We managed to get through most of that by the time our food was set in front of us.
I was happy Elle had suggested the café because the coffee was some of the best I’d ever had and the food was right up there as well. It made me hope even more that I’d be able to find a location for my new office close by so that I’d be able to swing in each morning for a cup of coffee on the way to work.
We had just finished eating when we both heard, “Elle? Lexi?”
We turned our heads to the side of our booth and that’s when I saw him.
Cruz Cunningham.
I met Cruz about a year ago when I started working at Monroe’s studio. He worked for his brother’s private investigation and security firm and they had been hired to update the security system in the studio. Cruz happened to be there when I went in for my interview. Monroe introduced us after the interview, but I didn’t stick around long enough to chat.
He terrified me.
No, that’s wrong. He didn’t terrify me the way most men did. In fact, the reason he scared me was because, oddly enough, when I was around him I didn’t feel the way I typically did around most men.
“Hey, Cruz,” Elle greeted him, joyfully. Elle was dating one of Cruz’s older brothers, Levi. Levi was the owner of Cunningham Security. “What are you doing here?”
“I just left the office. Heading out to do some field work on a case, but wanted to stop and grab reinforcements,” he answered as he jerked his head toward the counter. “I didn’t expect to see the two of you here.”
He might have been talking to the both of us then, but it was clear from the fact that he wouldn’t take his eyes off me that he wanted me to give him an answer.
“Just having a meeting over brunch,” I managed to get out.
The truth of the matter was that I had a bit of problem with this whole Cruz situation and it made it difficult to be myself. I wasn’t used to not feeling anxiety around men I didn’t know well. For a very long time, the only men I could even think about being around were Logan, Luke, and my father. A couple months of therapy helped to reduce the uneasiness I felt around familiar faces and it had improved ten-fold, but there was always some apprehension lingering.
This didn’t mean that I didn’t feel any nervousness around Cruz. It’s just that what I felt wasn’t consumed with dread. It was a butterflies-in-your-belly feeling. That reaction to him is what left me unsettled. This was mostly because the last time I had that feeling…well, it changed my life in a way I never thought possible.
“I figured that much considering the upcoming meet-and-greet Levi mentioned,” he began. “I just thought you’d meet at Elle and Levi’s place instead of coming all the way down here.”
I didn’t respond.
Instead, I stared up at him and drank in the sight of him. He had a head full of hair, its coloring a light shade of brown. It was a few weeks past the point of needing a cut because it began to curl around the back of his ears and at his neck. To be quite honest, I think it looked fantastic.
He had striking facial features. A set of blue eyes that reminded me of the color of a starry night sky. A strong jaw and a great set of lips. Cruz was physically fit, easily a requirement for the job he worked.
I was focusing on all of this and trying to figure out why I was suddenly noticing any man’s appearance, let alone Cruz’s, when Elle broke in and explained, “Lexi’s looking at places for her new office after our meeting, so we decided to just meet here instead.”
Cruz brought his gaze to mine and dazzled me with his smile. It was then I realized he had another great feature…perfect teeth.
Trying to snap myself out of it, I offered, “Downtown Windsor has all the best spots for real estate and some are reasonably priced. I’m looking to get something figured out before the end of this week.”
“Nice,” he started. “If you need any recommendations on locations, feel free to ask. I’m in this area a lot because of the firm.”
Even if I did need help, I wouldn’t ask him. No way. But I didn’t think it’d be very nice of me to be rude when he was simply offering help, so I returned a friendly smile. “Thanks, Cruz, I appreciate that.”
He gave me a nod before he concluded, “Alright, well, I’ve got to head out and get on this case.”
“See you later,” Elle chimed in.
“Bye,” I offered with a wave of my hand.
I watched as Cruz walked over to the counter, paid, and left with his coffee and a bag.
When I brought my attention back to Elle, she was grinning from ear to ear.
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked.
“You like him,” she speculated.
Oh no. I couldn’t deal with this.
“No I don’t. I barely even know him.”
She began nodding and insisted, “Yes, you do. From the minute you realized he was standing next to our booth until the second he walked out of here, your eyes never left him.”
I shrugged my shoulders. There was no denying that Cruz was handsome; anyone could see that. I just wasn’t sure how to break it to Elle that I wouldn’t be going there.
Needless to say, I didn’t have to figure out what to say because Elle went on. “And, just saying, he was not even remotely interested in the fact that I was sitting here. I think the feeling is mutual, Lex.”
“It’s not happening,” I maintained. “And he already knows that.”
Elle’s brows drew together. “What? What does that mean?”
I took in a deep breath and let it out before I explained, “A couple months ago we were both at Luke’s house. Nikki had just given me a makeover when Luke walked in and asked us to meet him downstairs. When we got there, he was standing there with Cruz. This was back when Luke had hired Cruz to investigate the situation with Nikki’s father. I’m sure you recall that day because it was the only time I was ever late for a meeting with you. Remember?”
“Oh, that’s right. But you never told me about something happening with you and Cruz.”
“Nothing did happen with Cruz and me. I ended up leaving Luke’s after I got off the phone with you, but Cruz left at the same time. He walked alongside me as we made our way to our cars. Before I got in my car and left, he asked me if I’d consider going out on a date with him.”
“And you didn’t say yes?!” she asked, clearly shocked.
I shook my head.
“Why not?” she pressed me further.
I looked around the café. It had a steady flow of customers, but nobody was looking in our direction. Elle and I weren’t even on anyone’s radar. I realized I wanted to share it with her.
“El,” I began. “I have something I want to tell you.”
Suddenly, she sat up a little straighter. She could hear the trepidation in my tone.
“Ok,” she stated. There was so much caution in her voice.
I waited a moment before I spoke. I hadn’t shared it with anyone besides my therapist.
“You know how close we’ve grown over the last few months, Elle. I know what you went through before you and I met and I believe you are someone I can share this with without any judgement.”
“Of course. Anything at all. What’s going on?”
I took in another deep breath. “I was raped four years ago.”
Elle gasped.
I spoke quickly to help dissolve questions and concerns I’m sure she immediately had filtering through her mind. “I’m alright. Well, I’m getting there. It happened at the end of my freshman year in college.”
“Oh, Lexi. I’m so sorry. I had no idea or I never would have just pushed you on the subject of Cruz.”
“It’s ok; you didn’t know. But I’m not in a place where I’m comfortable pursuing a relationship yet. As much as I want to get there, I just don’t th
ink I’m ready yet. I thought I could deal with everything on my own. I switched schools as soon as I finished my freshman year. I only felt marginally better not being at the same school with my attacker, but it wasn’t enough. I started seeing a therapist just before I started my sophomore year in school. It took me a long time to even talk about it with my doctor. Like I said, I’m getting there, but I have a lot of trust issues.”
Elle’s eyes were filled with tears.
“Apart from my therapist, you’re the first person I’ve told.”
“Lexi, love. I’m so, so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for telling me, because even though I don’t know all the right things to say, I want to be there for you if you want to talk about it.”
At her words, I felt a peace and warmth settle inside me. I wasn’t sure what I expected the first time I told anyone, but I knew this felt good.
“Knowing you’ll be there to listen is all I think I need. That and please don’t tell anyone else. It’s something I need to do on my own time. I dread telling my family because I’m pretty sure they won’t take it well.”
“Until you’re ready to tell anyone else, Lexi, I’ll be here to listen to you. And you can trust that everything will stay between the two of us. If you need me there when you do decide to tell your family or anyone else, you know you can count on me.”
“I know. I wouldn’t have told you if I didn’t,” I assured her. “Lately, I’ve been feeling the urge to talk about it. Unfortunately, I don’t have the kind of time nor are we in a place right now that is conducive to having this type of conversation. I feel like I need to tell the whole story to someone, though.”
“You tell me the time and place and I’ll be there.”
“Would tomorrow night around six-thirty or seven work for you? I’m going to see my therapist tonight, so tomorrow works better for me.”
