by A. K. Evans
Even though I had already expected my appointment with her to go as it did, it still gave me a boost in confidence to push forward with my mission.
So, feeling positive about how things went with Dr. Lane, coupled with how I felt after seeing Cruz yesterday, I was convinced that this was the next step for me. Next would come telling my family, but I had to take this one day at a time.
Today was just one more day in my road to getting all the parts of myself back. One of those parts was the prankster in me. That decision was reaffirmed by Cruz’s light-hearted nature yesterday.
He walked me to my car, joked with me, and I left feeling happy. My day was filled with such good vibes from that point forward.
I wanted that feeling to continue.
So, I woke up, got ready, drove to the café, and put my plan into action. I walked from the parking lot to the front door. I peeked inside and saw him sitting sideways at a booth. I stayed outside, pulled out my phone, and called him.
“Hello?” he answered after one ring.
“I’m so sorry,” I started. “I have to cancel.”
The tone of my voice was serious.
“Is everything alright?” he asked.
“No.”
I watched as he sat up in the seat and his body went on alert. I almost felt bad, but thought it’d be worth trying to get a laugh out of him.
“What happened?”
“Nothing, per se. I just started getting cold feet. I was worried after you called it a date yesterday and then I thought about it all night. When I woke up this morning I realized that maybe it wasn’t the best idea.”
His shoulders visibly slumped. He was upset by this.
I didn’t like seeing him like that.
Cruz rested his elbows on his thighs and looked down at the ground while he spoke, “Lexi, I told you yesterday that there was no pressure. I really just wanted to have the chance to get to know you better.”
I opened the door and walked in.
“Promise?” I asked as soon as I was standing in front of him.
Cruz lifted his head, his face lit up, and he pulled his phone from his ear.
“Sorry,” I giggled. “I couldn’t help myself.”
Cruz smirked as he stood and waited for me to sit. When we were both finally seated, he looked across the table at me and concluded, “Smartass.”
“Did you really believe I wasn’t coming?”
“Yeah. This was months in the making for me, so that wasn’t cool at all.”
“When I was younger, my brothers and I always played pranks on our parents and each other. I haven’t joked around with anyone like that in years. To be honest, you should consider yourself lucky. That was pretty tame.”
“I’ll have to keep that in mind.”
The two of us ordered our breakfast and quickly fell into an easy conversation.
Not even ten minutes into our conversation, my cell phone rang. I looked down and saw the number.
“I have to take this. I’m so sorry,” I apologized to Cruz.
“It’s ok,” he insisted.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Lexi. It’s Rachel. I’m sorry to call you so early on a Saturday, but you told me to let you know as soon as I heard back from the other agent.”
“Yes, absolutely,” I insisted. Rachel was my realtor and had submitted my offer for one of the office spaces I checked out this week. “What did they say?”
“Congratulations! The place is yours. I explained you had a sense of urgency with this and they were willing to accommodate that. You are welcome to move in as soon as we complete the rental agreement and get the payment for first and last month’s rent plus the security deposit over to them.”
“That’s awesome. How soon can we meet to get that squared away?”
“In my line of work, I have so many clients that are not available to meet on the weekdays. As a result, I end up working on the weekends, which means if you’d like to meet up sometime this weekend I can try to squeeze you in. Do you have any time available?”
I didn’t want to risk losing this office space, so I asked, “Can you do it this afternoon?”
“I can make that work. I have a lunchtime showing today, so I can meet you just before that. I’ll get the paperwork prepared this morning, so all you’ll need to do is sign and bring a check. Can you be at my office around twelve? That should give us enough time to take care of it all and still allow me to get to my showing on time.”
“I’ll be there. Thank you for getting this taken care of so quickly, Rachel. I’ll see you later.”
I disconnected the call and looked up at Cruz. “That was my realtor. I put an offer in on Thursday for the office I wanted and I got it,” I beamed.
“Nice. Congratulations.”
Our food arrived before I could thank him. We both took a few bites before he asked, “Where is it?”
I couldn’t hide my excitement. “It’s right down the road! It was the space I looked at on Tuesday after our run in with the coffee.” I told him about the exact location and the building I’d be moving into.
I watched as his face softened. “You’ll be close by,” he said, gently.
I’m not sure where I got the courage from, but I noted, “If this goes well this morning, maybe since we’ll be so close we can meet up for the occasional friendly breakfast or lunch. That is, of course, if you aren’t off fighting the bad guys.”
He laughed and explained, “Well, I guess that’ll depend on how soon you move into your new space.”
“I’m signing the papers later today, so probably this coming week. Are you working on a case with bad guys right now?”
Cruz didn’t answer right away and his mood changed from upbeat to serious. I didn’t like the look and had a feeling I knew what it meant.
“Your silence tells me that I won’t like the answer,” I continued.
“It’s better you don’t know details of it, but you’re right. A case was slid across my desk yesterday and it’s not a good one. When I’m working, it’s the only case I’ll be working on. What I don’t like is the fact that I’m still unsure of just how many bad guys we’re dealing with.”
I took a deep swallow before I asked, “Do you ever get scared that something could happen to you?”
“I don’t necessarily think about something bad happening to me. I know what I’ve got to do to keep myself safe in high-risk or dangerous situations. What does scare me is what can happen or what sometimes actually does happen to victims.”
“What do you mean?” I wondered.
“The kind of case I’m working on now is the kind that has lots of innocent victims. What they endure can cause long-lasting effects. Most will live the rest of their lives suffering from having gone through such an ordeal.”
I couldn’t even begin to imagine what could be happening and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. All I could think at that moment was that it seemed Cruz and I were both on a path to do something that would help others.
“Well, I hope everything goes well for you with this case and you can get through it with the least amount of fallout. That said, you should know we’ve got something in common.”
“We do?”
“Yes,” I started. “Do you remember that meeting I was having here yesterday morning?”
He nodded.
“I can tell you about it since my job is to promote the organization anyway. They’re going to be opening a rape crisis center here in Windsor.”
“Really?” he questioned as he sat back in his seat.
I didn’t know if he thought it was a good or a bad thing.
“Yes,” I stated firmly, even though I knew I was feeling uneasy about what his thoughts of it were.
“When?”
“Two weeks,” I began. “The location and the staff are all squared away. The name is WAAR and it stands for Windsor Against Abuse and Rape. Initial funding is being provided by the company Grant works for, but they want to secure dona
tions to help with the on-going operational costs. It’s a good cause and one I’m certain people will donate to, so I feel good about taking on this project.”
Without a moment of hesitation, Cruz insisted, “You should. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know.”
There was a part of me that wanted to know more on how he felt about sexual assault, so I pressed him a bit. “I will, thanks. So, you agree it’s a worthy cause?”
“Absolutely.”
There was no doubt or reservation in his tone. He continued, “Unfortunately, the security firm has put me in a position where I’ve seen how frequently something so awful happens. I saw first-hand what it did to my sister-in-law, Emme. The devastation left behind for victims of sexual assault can be horrific. Having a resource available locally to help anyone in that situation is definitely a good thing and one I’d be proud to support.”
I took in his words and felt an odd sense of security fall over me.
“I like to think of them as survivors, not victims.”
Cruz took a moment before he agreed, “You’re right. A lot of people who experience sexual assault don’t see it that way. This crisis center will hopefully provide them with the tools they’ll need to get past the devastation they feel and eventually see themselves as the survivors they are.”
I offered Cruz a genuine smile before I took another bite of my food. After I chewed and swallowed, I pointed out, “Sorry. This conversation quickly took a turn into pretty heavy stuff for a breakfast…”
I trailed off because I wasn’t sure what to call it.
Cruz finished a bite of his food before he reassured me, “It’s ok. I’ve dealt with much worse at a far earlier hour. Besides, it might be heavy stuff, but it’s positive.”
I gave a gentle nod of my head.
Cruz went on, “And you don’t have to put a label on this, Lexi. We’re just friends having breakfast.”
“Friends?” I repeated. I hadn’t made any new friends that were males in nearly four years. I had acquaintances, like Levi, who I knew through their girlfriends. I certainly wouldn’t consider them friends and, beyond that, males in my life were virtually non-existent.
“Well, we’re not enemies, are we?”
We weren’t. And I didn’t ever want us to be.
To top it off, I decided that I was ready to start fighting back. If I was going to make sure that I was successful, I knew this was going to be part of my healing and recovery. I needed friends. I needed to try to give someone an opportunity to allow me to trust them.
“Ok,” I said softly. “Friends having breakfast.”
Cruz and I spent the next hour being friends. Our conversation was much lighter than when it had started. In fact, I spent a good portion of our time together in fits of laughter. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been so carefree and had so much fun.
As it turned out, I wasn’t the only one who had hilarious stories of memories of their childhood to share. Cruz, the youngest of three boys, had his fair share of shenanigans to talk about. It was hysterical.
We finished our breakfast and got the check. Cruz didn’t give me an opportunity to pull out my wallet because the minute the check was put in front of us, he picked it up.
“Don’t even think about it,” he warned.
“You don’t have to pay for me, Cruz,” I insisted.
He grinned before he responded, “I know, but I’m going to.”
“But I invited you out for breakfast,” I argued.
“Doesn’t matter, Lex. I’m buying breakfast this morning and I don’t want a fight from you about it.”
I huffed out a sigh. “Fine, but I’m buying next time.”
Cruz threw some bills on the table and perked up. “Next time?”
“Oh, well…I mean, I just thought we had a good time and could try getting together again. I had so much fun.”
“I did, too. I’m happy to hear you enjoyed yourself. I’d definitely like to spend some time with you again soon.”
Now it was my turn to perk up and smile. “Great. You’ve got my number now, so just reach out to me whenever you have a chance and we can set something up.”
Cruz and I left Colvert’s, where he insisted on walking me to my car. We made our way to the parking lot and he made sure it wasn’t awkward by immediately offering, “If you need any help getting things set up in your new office, just let me know.”
“Thanks, Cruz. I appreciate that,” I started as we stopped beside my car. “And thanks for having breakfast with me this morning. I haven’t laughed like that in a long time.”
“Well, that’s going to change then.”
“I’m sorry?” I asked, not understanding what he was getting at.
“Someone that looks as beautiful as you do when you laugh should be doing it every day.”
I felt myself grow somber. My gaze dropped to the ground and I explained, “Life has gotten in the way.”
My body instinctively flinched when I felt Cruz’s hand settle on the side of my face near my jaw. I felt his thumb swipe back and forth across my cheekbone. “Do you want to talk about it?” he wondered.
The nerves I felt started to dissipate and I surprised myself when I looked back up at him and replied, “We’ve had enough heavy stuff for one day. Maybe another time.”
His face grew concerned, but he didn’t push me. “Anytime, Lexi. I’ll listen to you whenever you want to talk.”
I gave Cruz a nod before I turned to get in my car. Once I was inside, Cruz closed my door and waited while I started the car and pulled out of the lot.
On my drive home I realized that somehow, in my battle to get all of the parts of me back, I managed to have the best day I’d had in ages. I never expected I’d feel as comfortable as I did at breakfast to the point I’d be able to laugh and really enjoy myself. And when the prospect of opening up to Cruz and telling him about my past presented itself, I didn’t balk at it. Sure, I didn’t share anything today, but I was a bit stunned to realize that I actually wanted to tell him about it.
It was like a light switch had gone off. The bricks that settled on my shoulders years ago slowly started lifting as I went through therapy. Earlier in the week when I told Elle and Nikki about my rape, I felt more bricks lifting. Suddenly, that urge to get it all out to the people who mattered in my life took over.
So, I accepted that I’d have moments that would make me sad. Moments when someone like Cruz would tell me that I should be laughing every day because I looked beautiful doing it and then I’d realize that someone else took that away from me. And while I accepted that fact, I also recognized that I didn’t have to allow it to continue to be that way. I could get back what was taken and I could be happy again.
It was already Wednesday.
From the time I left Colvert’s on Saturday morning after hanging with Cruz, the days flew by. Saturday afternoon, I met with Rachel and signed my lease. Afterward, I called Elle and told her about my morning with Cruz. She was so happy to hear it went well and I found I was thrilled to be able to share something positive with my friend.
That evening, after dinner, I got in a workout, showered, wrote in my journal, and climbed into bed. Just before I drifted off to sleep, I received a text from Cruz. He wanted to check in and make sure everything went well with finalizing the lease. To say I was happy that he had reached out was an understatement. I responded and let him know that all was good. Of course, he once again offered to help me with the move if I needed it. I thanked him again and explained that I’d certainly reach out if Luke and Logan were unavailable.
That night, I fell asleep feeling happier and more content than I had in such a long time.
On Sunday, I spent the better part of my morning going over my schedule for the week, planning and preparing for a few meetings I had, and packing up the things I’d be taking with me to my new office. I ordered some office furniture and made a call to my brothers. While the new furniture would be delivered to my offic
e, I had a few heavy things at my apartment that I needed moved as well and would need their help. I managed to convince them to help, not that it required much convincing. The simple fact was that my brothers loved me and would drop anything they were doing to help me when I asked them. Of course, I never tried to take advantage of that and they knew it, which is likely the reason they always came through for me.
By the time Sunday evening rolled around, I worked out, journaled, and watched a movie. When I settled into bed that night, I had to be honest and admit that I was disappointed I hadn’t heard anything from Cruz. I knew I had his number and could reach out to him, but something stopped me. I still had some nerves about pursuing something with him even though he made it clear that he was content to be friends and just get to know one another. Somehow, that knowledge made me a little sad and I had a feeling it was because I was beginning to realize that I wanted to try for more.
Monday was filled with work and a meeting. I spent all day working on the WAAR project campaign before I went to my meeting with Dr. Lane on Monday evening. The campaign was coming along nicely and I’d easily be able to get all of my thoughts finalized before I met with Grant on Thursday to propose my ideas and the approach I thought we should take to launch the center.
My session with Dr. Lane went well. I had two topics I wanted to discuss with her. The first was the fact that I was planning to tell my family about the rape. I thought they should know and I felt ready to do it. I just didn’t know what reaction I’d get from them and that is what terrified me most. I explained that I had no doubts they’d believe me, but I wasn’t sure I was prepared to help them cope with how it made them feel.
“You can’t control their reaction,” Dr. Lane insisted. “All you can do is tell them what you want to tell them and understand that they are entitled to feel however they feel about it. The same way that you needed to cope with what happened on your own terms will apply to them as well. It’s not your job to fix it for them. You can only tell what you are comfortable telling. You should expect they might have questions, but you only have to answer what you want to answer.”
