A little yelp escaped Anna’s lips, and she shook her head. She motioned to the table. “Do you wish to sit down, Cade?” Anna herself walked to the table and lowered herself in a chair.
“What do you mean, there’s no divorce?” Clark growled. “Are you refusing Rose’s rights?”
Cade remained standing. “No, sir. I simply would like this marriage to work.”
“If you really felt that way you would have stayed away from the gambling houses.”
Cade felt the shame stirring within him like a viper rising from sleep. It was a vicious cycle: shame led to gambling and gambling led to shame.
“I am not disagreeing with you, sir. I simply would like Rose to give me another chance.”
Clark laughed ruefully and shook his head. “You give me one darn good reason why she should.”
This time it was Jeffries who stepped forward, “Because there is talk, Clark.”
Clark’s narrowed eyes slid reluctantly away from Cade resting with ease on Jeffries. “What kind of talk?”
“Ugly talk,” Jeffries explained. “Talk of Miss Rose being unfaithful and cast out of her husband’s home due to her indiscretions.”
Clark’s face went red, but Anna did not seem surprised as she rubbed her temples. “Think of last night, Clark,” she whispered. “It may get better, but it may also get worse.”
Clark looked unconvinced. He laced his fingers spacing them in front of him on the table. “People always talk. We shouldn’t force Rose or pressure her to be with a man who made her unhappy—who disappointed her in every way—simply because of rumors. Rumors fade, but disappointment,” he pinned Cade with his eyes, “disappointment is hard to let go.”
The words struck a nerve in Cade, but he approached Clark nonetheless. “Mr. and Mrs. Castle,” he said calmly, “I was a terrible husband. I do not deserve Rose’s love, but I never laid a hand on her. I never degraded her nor shamed her in public. I am begging for another chance, a chance that very well may save her reputation and make life for Daisy a bit easier.”
Clark sucked in his cheeks looking hard at Cade, contemplating the words. “It is up to Rose,” he said. “I won’t make that decision for her.”
Cade felt her presence before he heard her voice. He could smell the aroma of rosewater on her skin and fruit tea on her lips. He could feel her strength, her passion, her goodness all rolled into the one he ached for.
“What decision?” she asked, not seeing Cade who was blocked by Jeffries. The manager stepped aside and Cade turned around.
He wanted to rush over and pull her slender body into his arms. He wanted to grip her soft silver blonde hair and tangle it in his fingers. He looked into those blue eyes hoping to see a flicker of joy, surprise, hope, anything to suggest she welcomed him.
Instead, the beautiful face grew rigid and her full lips pressed tightly together. Her eyes were nothing but ice.“Cade,” she said his name slowly with a subtle lift of her chin. “What are you doing here?”
/
Rose felt like she had a hundred pounds of lead pressing down on her chest and crushing her lungs. She’d been getting ready quietly, letting Daisy sleep after a late night when she heard a malady of voices. At first, she thought her mind was playing tricks when the deep timbre so familiar to her suggested that Cade was in the kitchen. She had shrugged that away when she heard Jeffries, merely thinking she’d been mistaken, once again tricked by her own paranoia.
The last thing she expected was to see her husband standing before her father. When those dark eyes landed on her, devouring her as they always did, for a single heartbeat Rose felt relief at seeing her husband. Her body responded with a desire to embrace him. How could she feel that? This was not the man she wanted. He’d had his choice, and he’d made it.
“Did you proceed with the divorce?” she asked before he could answer her last question.
Cade’s jaw stiffened. “No, Rose, I did not. You don’t want me, and I don’t deserve you.” His eyes glistened, “But I am asking you for one last chance.”
Anna cleared her throat. “Rose, Jeffries has revealed some ugly gossip being said about you, and about Daisy. Cade thinks that being husband and wife might clear up those rumors.”
Rose tried to look calm as she waved a careless hand. “I can handle rumors. I can handle slander and hatred against myself and my daughter.” She glared at Cade. “I don’t see how he can fix this.”
Cade sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I can protect you and Daisy. I can accept her, and as such, people will know she was not born out of unfaithfulness. Let’s be honest, Rose: That little girl could use as much help as possible considering the things the world will hold against her.”
Rose opened her mouth looking defeated. She looked at her parents, both nodding and agreeing with their eyes. How could they? Did they not know what she went through? What she was still going through?
She had reached a good place with God, with herself, even with Cade. Not hating him, but not being in love him, biding her time until she knew it was time to leave him. Why did it feel so right to leave him if his proposal now seemed right for Daisy? It didn’t make any sense.
“I can protect Daisy just fine, and I will raise her to love everything about herself despite the nefarious judgments of others.”
“May I meet her? Daisy?”
Rose arched an eyebrow and very slowly said, “Why? You want to accept her now? You had your chance, Cade.”
“I do want to see her. I was wrong Rose—about a lot of things, but mostly for not accepting this baby.”
Rose wanted to storm out and slam the door like a child. This was not what she expected and not what she wanted.
Forcing a calm composure Rose nodded. “I will bring her down if she’s awake.” Then she spun around and left, trying to keep her breathing steady. This all seemed so unreal, and maybe it was. Maybe it was a dream, and maybe she would fetch Daisy and wake up to find that Cade had never come and that the divorce was final.
“What do I do, Daisy?” she touched the little cut on Daisy’s head. Her heart had not stopped beating uncontrollably since last night. Would there be more encounters like that? Would they get better? Would they worsen? What did she want to do? Truthfully, she wanted things done with Cade. She wanted a fresh start, but this wasn’t about her anymore. Not with Daisy.
Rose said a silent prayer. She had found happiness once in a bad marriage; she could find it again. But at what cost? More crying, more sleepless nights? She had felt that staying with Cade was the right choice for four years, but then she knew it was right to leave him when Daisy came into her life. Now he was back.
“This is very confusing, Lord,” she said out loud, titling her head back. “I can’t think clearly. Please tell me what to do.” She sighed and looked at Daisy as a calm settled over her. Rose did not know how long she stayed there, hiding from the dilemma that faced her. When a soft knock echoed in her room, Rose groaned and sat up when the door opened. She expected her mother, but it was Clark who walked in with a gentle smile.
“I suppose it would be silly to ask how you are feeling,” he smiled wryly.
Rose forced a gritty laugh, and rubbed her eyes. “Ah Father, I was starting to feeling peaceful with being single. I felt slightly vulnerable knowing that I would lose the security of being a wife, but now knowing that it is still on me, I feel shackled.”
Clark nodded and sat on the bed. “I don’t blame you for feeling that way. Cade does not exactly deserve your grace.”
Rose nodded solemnly. “Are you going to say he deserves God’s?”
Her father nodded his head. “He does, as does everybody, but that doesn’t mean we have to be crushed under another person’s weakness.” He looked at Daisy, his eyes softening. “Rose, my goal, my purpose, is your happiness. As such, I will support whatever decision you make.”
Daisy’s hand clasped around Rose’s finger. “But it’s not about me right now, Father, is it? I now must do what is best for Daisy
.” She bit her lip, staring off. “I thought I could do this alone: defend, protect, and show Daisy the good of the world, but it is not as easy as I thought it would be. I feel if I defend her with a quick tongue that will reflect badly on me and also Daisy. Yet if I remain silent and am polite, that too feels wrong.” She groaned and covered her face with her hands.
“Why is the world so hard on women?”
Clark frowned, reaching for her hand. “It is because you are so loved.” At Rose’s furrowed brow he laughed softly. “Let me explain it this way, Rose. If a person wanted to hurt me, really hurt me to the point of despair, it would be to hurt you. A father’s daughters are his most treasured possession. Do you think it is any different for our Heavenly Father? If the devil wishes to attack God, it will be through breaking the hearts of his daughters. That is why life has so often been hard on women.” He shrugged. “At least that is my philosophy.”
Rose closed her eyes, stabling herself with a long breath. “What do I do? Do I give him another chance after already giving him so many chances? What if I can’t love him again? What if he changes just long enough for me to have hope and then goes back to how he was? I can’t live like that.”
Clark squeezed her hand. “There are always copious amounts of ‘what ifs’. Sometimes we make decisions and then the ‘what if’ comes true, and we think we have made the wrong choice, but all it means is that we don’t see God’s full plan. So we pray, we ponder, and we make the choice that feels right, and if it falls apart, we know God is doing something different, something that will be better for us.”
Rose looked at her father warmly. “When did you get to be so wise?” she grinned.
Clark laughed and stood up. “Since I became old.” His smiled faded. “Again I will support you in whatever you choose, and I will help you deal with the consequences. “
“Thank you, Father. You’ve always said God works in mysterious ways. But I wish I could decipher the mystery.”
Clark nodded. “He does work in mysterious ways, but they are also wondrous ways, Rose. He takes us down to the breaking point so we can be elevated. He lets us experience sorrow so we can have joy, and that is what I know you will have one day. You may have found peace, you may have found testimony, but you will also find joy.” He gave her a fatherly wink and left, leaving Rose to her own thoughts. Letting Daisy play with her fingers, she knelt beside the bed. She had learned to communicate with God openly and effectively. Long gone were repetitive words and phrases, but this morning, she did not open with soliloquies or articulate words. She clenched her eyes, buried her face in the sheets, and repeated over and over, “Guide me. Guide me.”
Rose finally stood up. She knew the answer; she knew what to do. It just wasn’t the answer she wanted. “It is not about me anymore,” she said again. Daisy’s groggy eyes opened and Rose felt a quick peace settle over her. Before she could second guess the feeling, she scooped up her baby and walked out.When she returned to the kitchen, Cade was sitting at the table. He stood up so quickly that he knocked down the chair. Jeffries spoke with Clark, and Anna sat by Cade asking simple questions that required yes or no answers.
Rose lifted her chin and placed Daisy in front of her chest. “This is Daisy, Cade,” she said loud enough for everyone to cease speaking. Cade swallowed hard, his eyes looking hopeful at Rose and then seriously at Daisy.
“Daisy,” he repeated, cocking his head, examining his first impressions. “She looks like you,” he finally said. “Of course, you and Nell could have been twins.”
Anna tapped her teacup. “I believe that is part of the problem. Daisy does look so much like Rose that it is too easy to believe she is her own child.”
Cade took a hesitant step. “May I hold her?”
Rose nodded and gently placed the baby in Cade’s stiff arms. “Hold her upright,” Rose instructed, “And close to you—not so stiffly.”
Cade turned Daisy to face him, lifting her so her head bobbed over his shoulder. His eyes rested on his wife who looked sick, her face pale and her jaw clenched tightly to keep her lips from trembling.
“Have …” Cade cleared his throat, his voice tight with nerves, “Do you need more time?”
Rose narrowed her eyes, holding him in her gaze, letting him squirm for a moment before she spoke. “I won’t go back to Denver,” she began. His shoulders sagged and she continued, “However, if you are willing to find a place in Tall Pine, we can carry the charade of a happily married couple—for Daisy’s sake. Once the rumors settle. Once I feel that Daisy is in no danger, then we will continue with the divorce.
His shoulders sagged. “So you are not giving this a chance?”
Rose sighed. She felt a massive headache coming on. “A chance is a very strong way of putting it. I don’t know what I am going to do, Cade. I am going on what I feel is the right thing for the moment. Beyond that, I do not know.”
“I swear I can—”
Her eyes flashed at the words. “Do not ever swear to me again. Too many times I have heard you swearing, promising me, and assuring me. I am sick of broken promises.”
Cade nodded, trying not to flinch at the words. Rose’s eyes swept pass him to her parents then back to Cade. “Walk with me outside for a few minutes.” She turned around, not making eye contact with anyone. Cade followed, hearing Anna asking Clark what he and Rose had spoken about. Rose led him outside and stopped by the honeysuckle vines before reaching her arms out for Daisy, clearly not comfortable with him holding her for any longer.
“First, we need to find a place to stay. My parents do not need to carry our burden.”
Cade nodded, frowning when Rose blushed and averted her eyes before speaking.
“Also Cade, we … we will not act as husband and wife in the physical sense.” When he raised his brows, she glowered. “Let me make this clear: I am doing this for Daisy, not to please you and not to please me.”
“Rose,” Cade said slowly, “I have never pressed you in that matter, even when I wanted to, even when it killed me that you split our rooms, our beds. I never made demands.”
Rose gave a small smile. “No, you never did, and I do truly appreciate that,” she arched an eyebrow. “Still, I don’t want you using my concern for Daisy as means to manipulate physical desires. You so much as touch me, request my intimacy, and I will make a cat look like its claws are spun silk.”
This time Cade did smile, “As you wish, my kitty.”
Rose arched her eyebrow higher, “You stopped being humorous long ago, Cade.” She smiled despite herself as she began to turn, then paused, tilting her head over her shoulder. “And don’t ever call me kitty again.”
/
Cade stood silently by the front gate. He would accompany her to church as the first step of their reunion. Part of him was feeling hopeless that she was not giving him a chance; she still had every intention of eventually fleeing this marriage. Another part of him wanted to sing; if he could become the man she both needed and wanted, perhaps he could win her again. Glancing up, he was relieved to see Jeffries guiding the team of horses and wagon to the house. “Come sit a bit,” he called to Cade. “Anna takes her time fixing up for Sunday, so it could be a while.”
Clark was getting ready as was the rest of the household. Cade did not feel comfortable waiting in the front room like a young man courting. He also did not want them to see his hands shake. This morning had been terrifying for him, full of angst and stress. The need for cards or at least a drink was so intense his head was spinning.
“Thank you,” he mumbled to Jeffries who was scowling under thick brows, his arms folded across his chest, “for this morning.”
Jeffries nodded. “You are hurting right now, aren’t you?”
Cade leaned his back against the wagon and lifted his chin to the sky begging the fresh air to clear his head. “One would think I had spent the whole night drinking with how I feel.”
Jeffries turned to the horses checking the reins. “Clark checked on m
e daily, you know. Even when I did drink he would ask how much and why? I hated it at first, but having someone helps. You need to come to me often, Cade, if you are serious about making this marriage work.”
Cade swallowed, his chest feeling tighter than a metal vice. “What if I can’t, Jeffries? What if the praying, talking to you, what if that does not work. I’ll lose her again, for good.”
“You have already lost her, Cade; she is still lost to you. Don’t confuse Rose’s compliance for love towards you. She is doing this for Daisy; you have to realize that. Right now you are fighting for her love, her respect, her admiration as well as against the battle inside of you. You cannot let your guard down. You can’t have a good week then stop praying, stop trying.” Jeffries reached under the front seat of the wagon, and pulled out a book. “Mark Twain,” he handed it to Cade. “Keep your mind busy, keep your body busy. Find work, find worthy stimulation: reading, service, whatever you can.”
Cade looked at the book. “Never read Mark Twain.”
Jeffries shook his head. “And I thought you were a rich man. Not having read Mark Twain makes you a poor man indeed.”
Cade chuckled. “Never thought a Walker would be called poor.”
Jeffries grinned. “There is a first for everything.’
The front door opened and Rose walked out, her hair pulled up in a flattering chignon with drop earings swaying with her steps.
“You look—” Cade began.
Rose’s eyes narrowed, daring him to compliment her. Cade cleared his throat. He couldn’t touch her, could not even woo her. He was on trial. More than that: He was worse off than when he’d met her. At their first meeting he had a good job, money, charm, respectability. It was only by her grace, by her love for the child in her arms that she was willing to once again face his habits, his anger, and their soiled, tainted past.
“Daisy looks lovely,” Cade corrected himself, nodding at the baby dressed in yellow with a silk yellow bow around her head. Rose nodded. “She always does.” She did not allow him to help her into the wagon, but rather turned to Jeffries. “Everyone else will be out soon.” She turned away from Cade, refusing to look at him.Cade clenched his hands to control the shaking. He would control this. He would build a family and earn the right to compliment his wife and hold this child. He would do it even if it killed him.
The Ways of Heaven Page 15
