by Eden Bradley
She reached up and held on to his strong shoulders, his skin sticky and slippery all at the same time. Allaround them was the scent of warm sugar as he drove into her. Long, sweeping strokes of his hips, each one more devastating than the last. And he kept his eyes locked on hers, his expression of pleasure driving into her as deeply as his cock.
Desire swarmed her, taking her higher, and soon she was at that lovely peak once more. Jagger’s gray eyes glittered, dark and deep, bottomless. And as he tensed over her, her climax took over her body, drowning her in pleasure, in him.
Surge after surge, like heat, like liquid fire, like sugar melting in her veins. And something inside her broke open, broke apart in a warm rush. She felt it, that opening up. And it was scary for one brief moment before she let the fear go, too.
Jagger’s hand was on the back of her neck, his fingers burrowing in her hair as he shivered and groaned. And he kept his gaze locked on hers, so that she saw everything in his eyes. Beautiful.
Powerful.
Their bodies were still writhing, sweet flesh sticking together. And there was a new ache in her body, in her chest. She wanted to cry. And yet she’d never felt happier in her life.
“Jagger…what is this?”
His gaze still held hers. He lifted her head closer, bent and brushed his shivering lips across hers.
“It’s love, Mia Rose. It’s love.”
chapter sixteen
MIA BIT DOWN HARD ON THE WAVE OF PANIC
RIPPLING OVER her skin like an icy chill.
Love.
God, but hadn’t that very idea run through her mind only a few minutes earlier? So naturally she hadn’t even questioned it. How could she be so damn scared she was shaking, even as she lay beneath Jagger’s warm body? On the table where he had staged her deepest fantasy. He had done this for her. No man had ever done anything of this magnitude for her. She’d never even dreamed anyone would. But Jagger was different from anyone she’d ever met.
She was different, with him.
Fear lay like a hard lump in her throat. She couldn’t speak. And her head was still spinning, her body buzzing with pleasure.
Jagger was kissing her, tiny kisses over her cheeks, her chin, her closed eyelids. She couldn’t bear to look at him now, not into those beautifullgray eyes.
She knew she couldn’t handle it. Knew she would see too much there. Knew if she opened her eyes and looked into his at this moment, she would falltotally and irrevocably in love with him.
She squeezed her eyes tight. But his lips, so soft against her skin, seemed to be working their way beneath it. His warmth was spreading right into her, into her body, her mind, her heart.
No, no, no!
But when he kissed her lips, so tenderly it made the tears spill over her cheeks, a small torrent of emotion she had absolutely no controllover, she knew it was too late.
“God, Jagger,” she whispered in awe, unable to controllwhat she was saying any more than she could what she was feeling. “I’m in love with you.”
His lips were so close to hers, she could feellhis breath warm and fragrant on her face. She opened her eyes and looked at him finally, through the blur of hot tears.
“Baby, don’t cry. It’s alright. I love you, Mia Rose.”
He held her face between his hands, and that touch alone was sweeter than anything she’d felt in her life.
That touch, the expression on his beautifullface, the tone of his voice, warm and heavy with love.
She’d never been so scared in her life.
“I…I can’t believe this is happening.” Was that her voice? So choked, so unsure?
“It’s all good, baby.” Jagger stroked her cheek with his thumb.
She shook her head. But she let him help her to sit up, to lead her to the shower, where they stood under the water, quiet together. She leaned her head on his chest, let him wash her. So gently, so tenderly.
Then he dried her with a thick, white towel, wrapped her in one of his pajama tops, slipped the bottoms over his own slim hips. Then he took her to his bed, lay down next to her, his arms around her.
She tried to relax, but she couldn’t do it. Her mind was whirling.
When he slipped his hand up and cupped her breast, her body responded to his touch as it always did: that immediate fire in her blood, burning through her like some long-lost yearning she’d never been aware of untillshe met him. But she resisted now, rolled away from his touch.
“Mia Rose, what is it? What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know how to explain it. I’m just…so damn scared. God, I can’t do this. I can’t.”
“Is it the age thing? The student-teacher thing? I’llquit the class. I can take a summer course. I’ve been thinking about it all weekend.”
“No, you can’t do that. This is the last class you need to graduate. You can’t screw that up because of me.”
“It wouldn’t be because of you. It would be because of me. Because I love you, baby. And I’ll do whatever I need to so we can be together. I can’t pretend it’s not happening anymore. Not now. Everything has changed.”
He was right. Everything had changed. But she didn’t know if she could deallwith what was happening between them. It was all so much simpler when they were nothing more than two people who were attracted to each other, exploring a sexuallfantasy together. But it had been a while since the dynamic between them was that easy, that basic.
Still, she didn’t like that he’d make such a foolish choice about his future. Not when it was based on their relationship, a relationship she wasn’t even certain she could handle.
“I think that’s a bad idea, Jagger.”
“I can still start at Berkeley in the fall.”
“That’s not the point.”
He was quiet a moment, then he turned her body toward him, looked into her eyes.
“What is it, then? What are you saying?”
She bit down on her lip, willing that pain to take away the sharp ache in her chest. “I’m…I’m saying that maybe I don’t know how to do this. And that I think it’s foolish for you to make a choice right now that can influence your future. I don’t think you’re being entirely rational.”
“There’s nothing rationallabout love, Mia Rose.”
“Please don’t make a joke of this!”
“I’m not. Do you have any idea how reallthis is for me? Because I’m taking a hell of a chance here, with you. It’s like I’m slicing a part of myself open, leaving myself raw. But I have to do it. I’ve been so damn hurt before. I was never going to chance this again.
But I can’t not love you. Even if it tears me apart allover again.”
“That makes it even worse!” Her heart was hammering, her whole body hurt.
“Worse?” He lifted himself up so he was braced on one elbow, looking down at her. He ran a hand through his hair. “What’s so bad about loving each other?”
But she saw something flash in his eyes. He was feeling it, too. That uncertainty.
She said quietly, “I think you have some idea of what the problem is, Jagger. I’m…I’m deficient when it comes to relationships. I don’t really let anyone in.
Oh, I’ve been trying. With Karalee. With you. But it’s not nearly good enough. And you have your issues, too, obviously. Old baggage. And I’m exactly the sort of woman who could hurt you in the worst way possible. Because I don’t…I don’t really know how to love. Not anymore.”
“I thought I didn’t, either. And then I met you. I had to ask myself if all that shit was just a cop-out. And you know what? It is. I’m coming to understand that on some levellI thought my past relationships falling apart was my fault. Maybe it was. Who knows? I’m beyond wasting time dissecting it now. Now I think I can do it right, with you. Don’t let your fears mess it up, Mia Rose.”
Her face went hot with anger. “I’m not the only one who’s afraid.”
“No. But you’re the only one who’s willing to walk away.”
“I can’t talk about this now.”
“You can’t just pretend you don’t love me.”
She shook her head, tears welling in her eyes once more. “No. But I can take some time to decide what to do about it.”
“Fuck.” He flopped onto his back on the bed, leaving a cold distance between them.
“I think I should go home.”
He was quiet for a long time. She watched him, his jaw working as he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, rubbed a hand over them. “Yeah. Okay.
Maybe you should.”
The knot in her stomach pulled tight; it seemed to weigh a thousand pounds. A thousand pounds of pain. But she didn’t know what else to do. She had to think, to figure out what loving this man might mean for her, for him.
“Jagger…” She put a hand out, touched his arm, felt him flinch. She dropped her hand, a new surge of pain stabbing into her belly. “Okay. Okay. I just wanted to say…this doesn’t mean…this doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you. I just don’t know. I don’t know what it means.”
He turned to look at her. His eyes were dark, full of emotion. She felt like a complete bitch for doing this to him.
“Let me know when you figure it out.”
There was anger in his voice. She didn’t blame him.
The wood floor was cold beneath her bare feet as, slipping out of bed she found her clothes and got dressed in the dim neon light filtering through the windows. Picking up her purse, she paused, thought of going back to where Jagger lay quietly in the big, soft bed, but she had no idea what she should say to him. She supposed she’d already said everything she needed to for tonight. Too much, probably.
Instead, she opened the heavy door and slipped out of the apartment, feeling as though she were stealing away. She felt like a coward. But she had to go.
By the time she got into her car, the tears were coming hot and fast. She had to keep blinking them away so she could see to drive, the city lights like watercolors bleeding into the night outside the windows. Her mind was spinning, her body strung tight with nerves, with adrenaline.
She could not believe she was in love with him.
She could not believe she loved him, and had left him behind.
The city seemed all too quiet as she drove over the hills, her heart pounding in her ears the only sound she heard; that and her own gasping breath as she struggled to hold the anguish inside.
More tears came, untillshe had to give up and pullover, yanking a little too hard on the parking brake, hurting her hand. She didn’t know where she was, exactly. She didn’t care.
You have lost your mind.
No, you’ve lost your heart.
Damn it!
The tight, heavy ball in her chest expanded, filled her so completely she couldn’t breathe. Her head was spinning, so full of information, emotion, she was blinded, deafened, by it all.
She bent over the steering wheel, curling as much into a ball as she could manage in the cramped car seat. She was shaking. The tears still fell silently.
The enormous sob that had been building in her throat since the moment Jagger told her he loved her was like some solid thing. She almost expected to see it swell, to rise from her body, to choke her. To kill her.
How could she survive feeling like this? So fucking awful. It hurt too much.
The sob welled up, and for severallseconds she truly could not breathe. A ragged heat built in her chest, scalded her, made her head feellas though it were being crushed. And then the sob broke out, like shards of glass coming out of her throat. And she was making noises like some injured animal, a long, raspy keening that seemed to go on forever. She was horrified. In pain. So much pain. Her body ached, screamed with it. And she was shaking so damn hard her teeth were chattering.
Images of Ben, her mother, her grandmother, flashed through her mind, a series of incoherent ideas and memories. And she saw Jagger’s face there, too.
“Oh, God…” It came out in a choked whisper. “I’ve lost him already.”
Karalee groaned as she sat up. She’d fallen asleep on the sofa at some point. Now she was stiff and cold. Pulling a throw blanket from the arm of the couch, she slid it around her shoulders. It must be early; it was still half dark. As her mind cleared, she remembered what she was doing there, everything that had happened the night before.
She took in a deep breath, the coollmorning air calming her. Rising on stiff legs, she went to look out the living room window. She didn’t know what she was looking for. She just needed to move.
It was a classic foggy San Francisco morning outside. She’d always loved the fog in some strange way. It was one reason why she’d moved to this neighborhood, so close to the ocean. But this morning she’d never seen anything more bleak.
She knew it was because of how she felt inside.
Because of how Gideon had made her feel. Made her feel. She’d allowed it to happen, yes, but he had been the one to bring her to this bleak place.
Suddenly the grief was overshadowed by anger, burning bright, burning through the morning fog, through the hurt.
How dare he do this to her? Lead her on, let her see his emotions finally, admit his pain, his secrets, then dump her?
How dare he make her feellsomething for him? How dare he make her open her heart, then walk all over it?
She tossed the blanket to the floor. She was not having this; oh no. She was going back to Gideon’s house and giving him the reaming he so richly deserved. No man played with her emotions this way. She’d spent a lifetime happily avoiding it. Look what had happened when she’d finally let someone in!
She stalked down the hallway to her bedroom, quickly changed out of her skirt and into a pair of jeans and a sweater. Gideon loved her in a skirt. But she wasn’t dressing for him this time.
Grabbing her keys, she flung the front door back, stalked to her car, and drove across town through the quiet, gray morning.
Gideon’s neighborhood was even more quiet. But she really didn’t notice anything around her; she was too focused on reaching his front door. She lifted her hand and gave it a hard rap, the anger still burning through her.
He pulled the door open, looking rumpled and half asleep, and still dressed in his clothes from the night before.
“Christ, Karalee. What are you doing here?”
“I had to talk to you.”
“I want to talk to you, too.” His voice was rough.
Sexy.
Fuck.
She was not going to notice that.
“You had your say last night. Or rather, you didn’t fucking say anything. Except good-bye, in the most abbreviated way.”
“I know.” He rubbed a hand over his unshaven jaw.
“Here, come inside.”
The anger was still trying to boillas she brushed past him. But beneath it was an enormous surge of wanting she couldn’t deny. When he turned to look at her she took a step back, forcing her hands to stay still at her sides when all she wanted was to touch him.
“Okay.”
Gideon moved past her and went to stand by the bank of windows in the living room, started to pace.
She didn’t step away from the entryway by the door.
He paused in his pacing. “Karalee, will you sit down?” Then, when she refused to move, “Please?”
She crossed her arms, shook her head, but she went to sit on the brown leather couch.
“Okay, Gideon. Talk. Say whatever it is you wanted to say.” The anger was draining away, no matter how hard she tried to hang on to it.
He ran a hand over his jaw once more, and she saw the stubble there, how tired he looked. His eyes were red, his features soft. He was pacing again, his bare feet scuffing over the wood floor. She hated that seeing him like this made her melt a little inside.
She bit down on her lip, trying to brace herself against the emotions flooding through her.
Finally he stopped and looked right at her.
“I’m sorry, Karalee.”
“That’s a good start. Tell me what you’re sorry for.”
“For hurting you.”
Lord, too much emotion in his voice, too much sincerity. She couldn’t stand it. Her fingers twisted together in her lap. “Go on.”
“You have to understand, Karalee. Last night was the first time I’ve had a woman in my house since…
since my wife died.”
“I do understand that. But I assumed you bringing me here meant you were ready for…for more. With me.”
She pushed her hair away from her face, blew out a short breath. “Don’t make me be the one to say it, Gideon.”
He looked at her, his dark eyes glittering in the way they often did. But this time it wasn’t about sex at all.
He took two long strides, and then he was standing right before her. “I thought I was ready. I thought I’d put it all behind me. But the thing is, Karalee, you can’t lose someone like that and ever really get over it. Not entirely. It’ll always be a part of me, that loss.
You’ll have to accept that about me. And to do that, you’ll have to be willing to let me in. I don’t know if you are.”
She wrapped her arms around her body, held on tight. “I know you’ve done this once and lost. I’ve never done this…this relationship thing. I’m fucking floundering here. I don’t know what I’m doing. We both know this is not a naturallstate of events for me.
You’ll have to accept that about me, Gideon, that this…that what I’m feeling for you goes beyond my basic belief system. I want to let you in. But I don’t have any idea what I’m capable of and what I’m not.”
“Any relationship is about taking a risk.”
“Is that what this is, a relationship?”
“Isn’t it? Would we be here now if it weren’t?”
“You tell me, Gideon. I need you to tell me what this is.” She was shivering all over. “I need you to say the words.”
He nodded, stepped closer, and pulled her to her feet, so that they were eye-to-eye.
His hands on her were warm, even through her sweater. She could smell him now, that night-dark scent that was all him.
