“Standing in waist-high water in the middle of the night?”
She shook her head. “Naked. Together. In this crazy fake relationship.”
“Oh, that.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m serious. I have been anti-Zane for a long time.”
“That’s a little cruel, don’t you think?” He walked into deeper water to try to warm them.
“True, though. Self-preservation.” She pushed away, floating on her back. The tips of her breasts broke the surface, and her hair fanned out around her like a halo. She was stunning.
He swam to her and took the soap from her hand. “Let me.” He began washing her. “Self-preservation? Is that why every time I came back for a visit you made sure we were never left alone?”
She grabbed the soap and swam away.
“Wills,” he called after her. Moonlight glistened off the water, threading over her skin. “Do you regret it?”
“Tonight?” She rubbed the bar of soap from shoulder to wrist.
He wanted to ditch the soap and run his hands all over her until he’d memorized every dip and curve of her body. “All of it,” he said. “Any of it.”
She disappeared beneath the surface. He felt the current change seconds before she broke the surface in front of him and wound her arms around his neck. She was going to be the death of him. Every time she touched him, his entire being wanted more.
“Is it possible to regret it and cherish it at the same time?”
Hell, that couldn’t be good, but he understood what she meant. “Yeah. I think it is.”
“Then that’s how I feel. I don’t regret the first time, because until tonight it was the most wonderful experience of my life.”
“Wills . . .” Her name came straight from his heart.
“I just regret how I handled it afterward—back then, I mean. And I don’t regret tonight. It was bound to happen, and I think I knew that when you first propositioned me about this plan of yours. Maybe we both did.” A sexy smile lifted her lips, bolstering the emotions he no longer wanted to hide.
“God knows I must be crazy,” she teased. “But I actually like you. I’m more myself with you than I’ve ever been with any other guy, which is why I’ve tried to keep you at arm’s length. You’re too easy to get swept up in. And despite knowing that I might regret this when these two weeks come to an end, I’m not going to pretend that I don’t want this. I want to feel and crave and take, and I want those things with you.”
Her honesty was almost too much to take. It wasn’t fair to either of them to have let them go so far. But if he’d been weak then, he was ten times weaker now, after having tasted and felt and experienced Willow. There was no turning back. He didn’t want to turn back. Not now, not ever.
His chest constricted with the magnitude of the realization, and his response came without hesitation. “Then let’s not let it end.”
A soft, confused laugh slipped from her lips. “What are you saying?”
“It all makes sense now, Willow. Why I remember everything you have ever said or texted to me when I’m too wrapped up in my own life to care what any other woman says or does. Why we’ve never let go of each other after all these years.” His pulse raced as the pieces of his reckless, stubborn life became crystal clear.
She pushed away, treading water to keep afloat. Her smile crumpled right before his eyes, and she turned angry and sad at once. “You’re losing your mind. This is a ruse, a game.”
“But it can be so much more. Don’t you see?” He swam out to her. “We’re not scared kids anymore. We’re not trying to find our way. We know who we are.”
Sadness tugged her beautiful mouth down at the corners, slaying him anew.
“Right, Zane, and I know you’re a player. You don’t do monogamy, and I don’t do . . . whatever it is that you want.”
She swam toward shore, but he grabbed her hand, pulling her to him. He planted his feet firmly in the lake bed, needing the stability to combat her tears, which were shredding him into a million little pieces.
“I fucked up, baby. I never should have followed your asinine rules. I should have told you how I felt then.”
“Who are you kidding? You went back to LA and forgot all about me. You didn’t feel then, and you don’t now.”
“You’re wrong, Willow. Dead wrong.”
She pushed at his chest, and he held her wrists so tight he feared he’d leave marks, but she needed to hear the truth, and damn it to hell, he needed to say it.
“When I went back to LA, we kept in touch with texts, and I adhered to your stupid rules. I didn’t talk about what we’d done, not with you, not with anyone. At every audition, it was your face, your texts that pulled me through. Did you forget that we kept in touch until I got my first gig and my life got away from me?”
“Yeah.” Her voice cracked. “I remember it more like you dropping off the face of the earth.”
“Three months of grueling work, Wills. That’s what it took to nail the part. Working twenty-four-seven with my acting coach, going to meetings, rehearsing with my costars so I wouldn’t fuck up their careers. I wasn’t out at bars fucking everything on legs.”
Her eyes narrowed. “No? Well, that celibate phase sure didn’t last long.”
“Goddamn it, Willow. Take some fucking responsibility.” Ten years of anger and hurt came roaring out. “Do you know what it was like texting you after that night? I tried to follow your rules, but I couldn’t not feel. I fell so goddamn hard for you, I came home that Christmas ready to tell you the truth despite your need to control everything in your path. You were my first, too.” There it was, all his truths splayed out before her, leaving him vulnerable as he owned up to his lies—all of them. From the teenage comments he’d made to look cool about supposed conquests to the gut-wrenching ache he’d been left with by following her goddamn rules. More anger came tumbling out, and there was no stopping this runaway train. “Did you ever slow down enough to think that maybe, just maybe, I had feelings that you couldn’t control?”
Her jaw dropped open as if she were going to speak, but no words came.
“Of course not, because you were too busy protecting yourself. Well, baby, you made it clear where I stood. When I came home for the holidays, you had already moved on with some college prick. You moved on, Wills, not me. Not by then.”
“But . . . you never . . .”
“If I never, it was because I was trying to honor your rules. But I loved you, Willow. I fucking loved—love—everything about you, and seeing you with that other guy?” He winced against the memory. “When I left Sweetwater that winter? That’s when I gave in to peer pressure and became the guy you read about now. Yeah, that’s right. Think about it, Willow. Was I that guy before then? Fuck, no. What did you expect? You broke me, and if it makes me an asshole that I filled that void with whatever willing woman I could, that’s okay.”
She went slack in his arms, and he spoke in the calmest voice he could manage so she had no choice but to hear him. “Because what I didn’t realize then but I see too goddamn clearly now is that I have looked for pieces of you in every woman I’ve ever been with. And not one of them has even come close. That’s the truth, and you may not be willing to admit that this thing between us—this lifelong deception we’ve existed in—is real, but I sure as hell can. And I’ll prove to you that I’m the only man you’ll ever love. Because what we had, what we have, has lasted ten years in a world where nothing is real. We’re real, Willow. We’re as real as it fucking gets.”
He released her, wishing he had kept his mouth shut. Wishing he could have just allowed himself to take whatever amount of time she was willing to give. But he was done lying to himself, and now, by the look in her eyes, he knew he had new guilt to carry. On what could have been the most beautiful night of their lives, he’d fucked up again.
His truth became her burden.
WILLOW’S LEGS SHOOK violently, and her mind spun out of control, too overwhelmed to hold
on to any one thought. Some part of her had always hoped to hear everything Zane had just said, but how could she believe a word of it? I was your first? She’d heard rumors of girls sleeping with him when he was in high school. He’d hinted at it himself. He’d loved her? He loved her now? This was all too much. Nothing made sense anymore.
“What is this?” she finally managed. “I’m supposed to believe you’re unburdening yourself from a life of self-inflicted torture and . . . what? Pledge my never-ending love to you?” She trudged toward the shore, her world spinning on its axis.
“I didn’t plan this, Willow,” he pleaded. “But it’s the truth.”
He held a towel up for her, but she wrenched away, shoving her shaky feet into her sandals, and grabbed the other towel.
“This is just another role for you, remember?” she snapped as she covered up. “There’s no role you can’t nail. Well, now you’ve nailed your leading lady, too. Just like always. And I did it willingly, Zane. So don’t play me for a fool. We have to convince everyone else, not each other.”
Fresh tears tumbled down her cheeks.
“Willow—”
He reached for her, but she turned away, unable to process his confession and deal with her own, which was clawing to be released.
“Willow, you were my first. That was the truth. And you’re the only woman I have ever wanted when I was lonely, not any of those women I settled for. But you made it clear every damn time I reached out that I was barking up the wrong tree. I don’t blame you. I’m the one who fucked up. I’m the one who promised to abide by your rules and was too weak to do it. I’m the one who led you to believe I was experienced and could play your game. I was the one who turned off my emotions when I lost you.”
Her breathing went shallow, and she forced the truth from her lungs. “I had to protect myself.”
“From . . . ?”
She paced, more confused than ever. “From you. From me. From being hurt again.”
“Now I’m confused. I followed your rules. How could I have hurt you?”
She crossed her arms, needing a barrier between them. Or maybe between her and the truth. “I broke them. I went to college and I thought . . .” An unsteady laugh fell from her lips. “I thought we had a connection, and when you disappeared—”
“Got lost in my first acting gig,” he corrected her.
“Right. But it doesn’t matter. I was heartbroken, and it took me forever to find my footing again.” She’d forced herself to make it through her classes, from one day to the next, one month to the next, and finally one year to the next, until she’d built a life. A happy life, even if a piece had always been missing. She’d spent years searching for a man who didn’t exist. Only now he was right there in front of her.
He existed, and he wanted her.
But for how long?
He closed the gap between them. “We were both hurt,” he said tenderly. “We were young and stupid.”
“We were, and maybe I wasn’t the only one who got hurt, but . . .” She turned away, trying to stop her gut from roiling. “But you tricked me” slipped out before she could think.
“Damn it, Willow. I never tricked you. I abided by your rules.”
“Not then.” She faced him again, and reality came bursting out. “Now. The resort, the catering job. How can I trust you when you couldn’t even be honest with me about that? Is this what our relationship would be? One lie after another?”
He pushed his fingers through his hair, turning away and uttering a string of curses. She felt her heart crumbling, and when he turned with a defeated look in his eyes, the hurt pummeled her from the inside out.
“But it wasn’t all a lie, Wills. I needed to clean up my rep, and I knew you wouldn’t have agreed if I had been honest with you. That’s who we were, baby. But it doesn’t have to be who we are.”
A thunderous ache swelled in her chest. She turned away, willing herself not to fall apart. But she was falling apart, and there wasn’t enough will in the world to stop it from happening. She needed time and space to try to weed through her tangled emotions—but she needed to be there with Zane in equal measure.
Zane stepped into her line of vision, prolonging her torment.
“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to ruin tonight. This hit me as out of the blue as it did you, but it’s been there all along. I have a lot to make up for, and mark my words, Willow, I will make up for this. For all the years we lost. For not knowing how you felt all those years ago. For everything.”
She wanted to wrap her arms around him and say she believed him, that they would figure this out together. But she was terrified by the intensity of her emotions and just as terrified of losing him again. Her legs gave out, and she dropped to her knees.
He crouched before her, causing another rush of emotions to implode inside her. Tears welled in her eyes.
“Willow, I think we should go back. I’m sure the photographers are gone by now, and I know you, baby. You need to wrap your head around this.”
She wanted to stay right there in the haven of his embrace, but she couldn’t, and he knew that. Knew it in a way no one else ever could, and that confused her even more.
“Z,” she managed before emotions clogged her throat and she collapsed into his arms.
“It’s okay, baby,” he whispered. “I’ve got you.”
She closed her eyes, soaking in his comfort.
He held her until her breathing calmed, and the hurt and fear wound into one numbing sensation, buffering her from it all.
“Come on, baby. Let’s get you home so you can rest.”
She didn’t even try to respond.
Zane insisted she not help disassemble their camp, but she had to move. She needed the distraction. Or at least she thought she did. When the tent fell into an unusable heap, it felt like a metaphor. Zane expertly folded up the nylon into a nice neat package, taking care of the loose ends, making it appealing again. She didn’t know how to do that. How did a person take years of fear and pain and love, years of living within the barriers they’d built out of self-preservation, and let the person who caused the need for the moat and the walls and the arsenal in for good?
She sank to her knees and stuffed a pillow into the bag. If she didn’t take time to clear her head, she’d forever live in a middle ground, wary of his motivations, disbelieving his true feelings. Every incredible thought of being with Zane was chased by memories of her devastating heartbreak.
“Wills.” Zane knelt beside her, bringing the heat only he could create, and it seated itself deep in her chest. “I—”
“Don’t. Please.” She finished shoving the supplies into the bag and pushed unsteadily to her feet. He deserved to know the truth. She had to try to tell him what was in her head, but she couldn’t even see straight. “You’re . . . I . . .”
Tears welled in her eyes again, and she blinked them away. She was not going to fall apart. No, no, no. How could she tell him he was the gasoline to her fire, the wind to her sail, knowing their immense love came at a huge cost? He could annihilate her without even trying. And she was all too aware that she had pulled the trigger all those years ago. From what he’d said, he didn’t even know how she’d clung to their weekly texts and hoped for more. She’d built those barriers, and she’d locked herself in with the guns aiming at the wrong person. “I’m sorry. It’s not fair. I wish I could deal with this now, but . . .”
“I’m not asking you to, baby,” he said softly. “I just want you to know that I’m here.”
For now. Hating herself for the seeds of doubt she let pepper his confession, she forced her legs to carry her toward the boat.
They rowed back to town in uncomfortable silence, giving her time to reflect on everything he’d said. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that she’d been his first. She didn’t know why, out of everything he’d said, that was the thing she was picking apart. But it nagged at her like a bee sting. He’d been so cool and confident. Had he been th
at good an actor all along?
She parked behind the bakery, and they took the back staircase up to her apartment. Once inside, she set her keys on the table by the door, feeling like she’d been away for a month, and waved to her couch. “You can sleep there.”
He set her bags on the floor, his eyes never leaving her. She was so confused, so hurt, as much by herself as by this moment. Was it wrong to want to protect herself, even if part of her wanted to take everything he’d said, wrap it in gold, and praise it like a god?
He hiked a thumb over his shoulder. “I’m going to hit Ben up for a place to stay.”
“But what about the focus group?”
“I don’t give a rat’s ass about the focus group, Wills. I want to finally do the right thing for us. I want to do right by you, no matter what the cost.”
“But . . .” Her thoughts stumbled. “We lied to my family, and no one will believe we’re engaged if you’re staying at Ben’s.”
He pushed a hand through his thick hair and lifted one shoulder in an I-don’t-give-a-damn shrug. “Then they don’t.”
He stepped closer and took her hands in his. Her confused heart skidded to a halt. His eyes brimmed with passion again, full of so many unspoken promises she felt herself getting lost in them.
“What do you want from me?” she asked meekly. “I’m so confused.”
“You said you can be yourself around me. That’s all I want, sweet girl. Don’t put up your walls and lock me out. You have every reason not to believe me, and I have only one reason to try to convince you otherwise.”
He pressed her hand to his chest, and she felt the sure and steady beat of his heart beneath her palm.
“It’s always been yours, Wills. It’s always been you. I just buried those feelings so deep, it took years to unearth them.”
CHAPTER TEN
“LET ME GET this straight. You and Willow aren’t really engaged, but you want to be, because suddenly you love her?” Ben paced his living room like a caged tiger. “What the hell is really going on, Zane? You show up last night looking like hell and ask for a place to crash. You make me wait until the morning so you can process whatever’s happened. And now you give me this load of crap?”
The Real Thing (Sugar Lake Book 1) Page 12
