“Ready?” Stay asked as I approached.
“Yeah.”
“Do you have a purse or anything?”
“No.”
“Try not to look so sad,” he said, taking my hand and leading me around the other patrons, out of the club to his Prius. He opened the passenger side door for me.
I slid in and pulled the seat belt across my chest as he closed the door. I watched as he made his way around the car and got in. “I’m not sure what I’m experiencing,” I said.
“What does it feel like?” he asked as he started the car.
I closed my eyes and said, “Pain, anguish, confusion, euphoria, fear, lots of fear. I feel stupid and out of control. I’m responsible for hurting you and hurting Mason too. He specifically said that if I did anything with you, he didn’t think he could get past it.”
Stay pulled out of the parking lot. “Will you be honest with him?” he asked, resting his arm across the bucket seats and touching my elbow.
Opening my eyes, I watched the familiar scenery pass by. “If he asks me, yes and I’m sure he will. Will I offer the information? I don’t know. Until recently, we didn’t have that kind of relationship. He never asked me and I never asked him either.”
“What changed that?”
“You. You’ve blown in like a hurricane, shattering all the existing structures, and leaving fresh air and wreckage behind in your wake.”
He glanced over at me and his doleful expression shot through my heart. “That wasn’t my intention,” he said.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m saying.” I lay my head against the headrest and closed my watery eyes.
He squeezed my arm and said, “I can understand your mixed emotions. It makes sense. I didn’t set out to make your life more complicated, but I can see that’s exactly what I’ve done. I didn’t know you were dating anyone. Jacqs never mentioned it. I didn’t know until I saw Mason hovering outside of your apartment. If I had thought you were happy with him, I wouldn’t have continued pursuing you. Now it’s just too late.”
My heart dropped into my gut thinking Stay had changed his mind and yet that was exactly what I wanted. I needed the clock to turn back to when we were just friends. So why did the thought hurt so much? “Too late for what?”
“Too late for us to stop.” He drove onto the highway and continued, “I desire you like I have never wanted another soul in my life. And I’ve tried to get your attention before but back then, you looked right past me. My chance is now.”
“What are you talking about? We’ve hung out at Red’s together and even played darts and pool a few times times.”
“Come on Lainie. Are you telling me you didn’t notice my interest?”
“It was too late by then. I already had Mason in my life.” I suddenly became so tired. I wanted to be home, in my own bed, alone.
“It’s not too late for us.”
I turned my head toward him and said, “I’m seeing Mason on Tuesday and if he doesn’t end it because of my indiscretion with you, I’m going to continue to see him until the time comes that we need to go our separate ways.”
“The time has already come and even he knows it.”
“I don’t want to talk anymore, Stay. You seem to think I can just flip a switch and turn off how I feel about Mason and then direct it to you. It doesn’t work that way.”
“Why do you love him, Lainie? Help me understand. He can’t give you want you need.”
I paused and couldn’t come up with a reasonable response so I said, “What do you mean why?”
“It’s a simple question.” He pulled down the ramp from the highway and stopped at the red light.
I uttered in sheer exhaustion, “It’s an emotion without logic.”
“Love is an emotion and a verb. What is there besides amazing sex? I mean I’m assuming it must be amazing to keep you.”
“Friendship, comfort, attention.”
He made a left turn and asked, “Does he take you out?”
“No, not since the beginning.”
“I see,” he said, nodding.
“What?”
“You are worth more. Way more.” He pulled into my parking spot and turned off the engine.
“And if I don’t want more.”
“I call bullshit.”
I turned in my seat to face him on the verge of an angry outburst or a meltdown. Anger seemed the better option. “You are probably one of the nicest, sweetest, most considerate, sexy men I have ever met and please don’t take this the wrong way, but fuck off.” I open the car door and got out. “Thanks for the ride.”
His mouth hung open in shock. “Whoa, wait a minute.” He scrambled out of the car.
“I should have taken the cab home. I can’t give you what you want or need. I’m sorry, probably sorrier than you know, but the timing is all wrong. I have to assume that Mason will again ask me to avoid seeing you after he knows about the kiss, and I don’t see how I can argue with him. I can’t trust myself to be in your vicinity.”
He moved closer to me. “I don’t know how long I’ll wait for you.”
“I understand. I don’t think you should,” I said, wrapping my arms around myself.
“Please at least let me say goodbye.”
I shook my head knowing if I let him touch me again all might be lost.
“Please,” he pleaded, closing the distance between us. “A hug only.” He didn’t wait for me to answer and enclosed me in his arms.
At first I kept my arms between us and then rationalized that it was just a hug. Embracing him back, our hearts lining up together, I felt the annihilating loss of what had started to grow between us. I had to say goodbye. It was the right thing to do for everyone. It was, wasn’t it? If it was so right, why did it hurt so much? Tears ran down my cheeks as I quietly cried.
We hugged each other for a long while, knowing that once we separated it really was goodbye.
He finally stepped back and I saw a single tear escape and roll down his cheek. That caused the dam on my emotions to break.
“I’m so sorry,” I said and then ran up the stairs to my place. With shaking hands, I retrieved the keys from my pocket and struggled to unlock the door.
Inside I kicked off my shoes and ran to my bed, not taking the time to undress. I sobbed like the teary eyed wretch I had recently turned into. I lay there in a daze of my own making. Why had I allowed Stay in? Maybe because he took care of me when Mason wasn’t there for me? Regardless, I had to rein in my ill-conceived actions.
After the pain eased enough, I got ready for bed, avoiding looking in the mirror. I suspected I might breakdown again if I saw my own refection.
With my journal on my lap, I clicked my pen.
In the past few days I’ve cried more than in the past ten years. If this is what love does to a person, I don’t want it! Maybe I should tell them both to go to hell.
Stay and his stupid questions about love. Love isn’t something easily definable or explainable to someone else. I love Mason because he is, because he is the one man in the world I want to spend my time with. Is it an easy love? No. I’d be kidding myself if I said it was, but that doesn’t make it any less real.
Just because Stay wants to have a relationship with me doesn’t mean he gets to. Even if I want a relationship with him too. And maybe I would’ve if I hadn’t already given my heart away. I’m not like Jacqs. I can’t split my loyalties down the middle. I’m a one man woman.
I’ve never been this way before, all confused and emotional and struggling to make concrete choice, allowing chemistry and seduction to influence me. Decisions have always been clear-cut and straightforward. Now it all seems muddled.
Part of me wants to punch out Stay for messing with me in the first place. He seems so nice but he has his own agenda and pushes for it even when I say NO. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? He’s like an infection that just takes over without your permission, spreading out to all the nooks and crannies. He’
s a sickness I just need to get over.
The Kiss. It seemed liked more than a kiss. It felt more like alchemy, our energies merging and swirling around us in a whirlwind. I wonder if it was part of the tantric stuff he keeps hinting about.
Stay and Mason are so different. In some ways my relationship with Mason is much simpler. We come together and share love and passion, and have our own independent lives. Stay seems all consuming, like I might not have room to breathe with him. How the hell Jacqs juggles two men is beyond me. How does she have any time for herself?
I know Mason is going to ask about Stay. I can just feel it and I’m not sure if I should just bite the bullet and confess or wait. I’ll probably take the chicken shit way out and wait. Hopefully we will have an opportunity to reconnect before it comes out. I have no idea what to say if he asks me how the kiss was. I don’t think saying, “epic” will go over well. It was though. Epic, astonishing, awe-inspiring, unfathomable too. FUCK YOU Stay for kissing me like that. He doesn’t fight fair.
Yes, I know, I kissed him back. I know, I know, I know. UGH!
I bet Mason is going to be so hurt. It’s the only thing he asked of me and I couldn’t even do it. STAY AWAY FROM THE BOY!!!!
I’m so happy I will be seeing Dad tomorrow. Maybe he will knock some sense into me. Probably not. He will probably just listen and be non-judgmental. I could use some of that because I have all sorts of judgment of myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I hope I can sleep. I need some mindless oblivion.
With my alarm set I scooted down in the bed, rolled on my side, and pull a pillow between my knees. Luckily, the exhaustion from the day and my emotions made sleep come easy.
CHAPTER TWELVE
The Deep End
by Crossfade
My dry mouth woke me up before my alarm was set to go off. I hadn’t consumed enough water the night before. After downing two Tylenol tablets and a full glass of water I decided to knock out some chores before meeting up with my dad. I started the coffee pot and gathered the supplies I needed from under the kitchen sink. I planned to start in the bathroom. My basket of laundry was getting full but I didn’t have enough time for the wash and a dry.
I flipped on the stereo in the living room and got busy. I sang while I cleaned to drown out the thoughts threatening to surface. Bed made, bathroom scrubbed, carpet vacuumed, floors swept, refrigerator wiped out, order and cleanliness was once restored, at least externally.
I ate a quick breakfast, called the cab company for a ride to my car, took a brief shower and dressed for my walk with my dad.
I parked near the racket ball courts and searched for my father. Gathered around a grouping of tables set nearby, I found him playing chess.
He was a big guy in height and in girth. I got his genetic code instead of my mother’s petite stature. The similarities between Dad and I seemed to bother my mother early on. I often wondered if that fueled my mother’s disenchantment with me.
Dad wore long, beige shorts and a large, brown T-shirt. He stood up and embraced me in a warm bear hug, lifting my feet off the ground. “Gentleman, let me introduce you to my daughter, Lainie,” he said as he lowered me down. “She owns her own clothing boutique.”
After shaking several hands I asked, “Would like to finish the game?”
“No, honey. They knew I’d be leaving soon. Catch you next time Sal and count on me winning.”
“Whatever gets you through the day.” He laughed.
My dad patted him on the back and waved to his friend George. Then we walked over to the boardwalk along Hollywood Beach.
Spending time with my father worked as an elixir, which cured most of my ills, at least while I was in his presence.
“How’s my favorite daughter?” he said, taking hold of my hand.
“I’m your only daughter, Dad.”
“That doesn’t make you any less my favorite. Thanks for making time for your old man.”
I touched his belly and said, “You’re right, you’re looking good, Dad.”
“You, my love, look stressed. Are you sleeping okay?”
I looked out over the ocean and then shielded my eyes from the sun to make eye contact with him. “I’m sleeping but I’m not okay.”
“Is this about Mason?”
“Mason and Stay.”
As we strolled side by side he said, “Stay, I think you’ve mentioned him before. He’s part of your group, right?”
“Yes, Papa, he is.”
“And you like him?”
“I don’t know. I mean I do but I’m already involved in a relationship. I love Mason, even though I know it’s not ideal. My emotions are not like a faucet I can turn off.”
He stopped and turned to face me. “You’re in a relationship. You can’t just exchange one for the other.”
“Exactly. I just wish Stay and Jacqs understood that.”
He started walking again and said, “I’m sure Jacqs wants what she thinks is best for you. What’s this Stay fellow like?”
“He’s a good guy. I realized recently that I really didn’t know him well before. He’s interesting, self-made, has overcome a bad past and is a gentleman for the most part. He’s also very pushy and assertive and thinks I should stop seeing Mason to see him.”
“Does Mason know about Stay?” he asked.
“Unfortunately. They crossed paths and Stay stated his intention to pursue me.”
My father smiled. “That’s ballsy. You have to give him credit for that.”
“I give him credit for causing problems in my relationship with Mason.”
“Honey, you know I love you and you know I’ll always be on your side, but Stay can’t cause problems where there are none.”
We walked silently for a few steps and then I said, “But if Stay hadn’t decided to chase me now, Mason and I wouldn’t have had our first fight. And before then we hadn’t even argued.”
“Maybe that’s true, but if after all this time you’ve never had a disagreement, one or both of you aren’t being honest.”
“How do you mean?” I said, sidestepping a runner who passed by.
“No two people live so in sync that there aren’t issues to work out along the way, especially when one holds all the cards.”
“You mean Mason,” I said, biting my lower lip.
“Of course.”
I thought about seeing Mason on Tuesday and the minefield we still needed to cross. “I don’t know if Mason will even see me anymore.”
Looking surprised, he said, “Why? What happened?”
“I let Stay kiss me.”
“Really?” he asked as if processing my new disclosure. “What kind of kiss?”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course it does, Lainie. And by the look on your face, it was definitely the kind that matters.”
We walked onto the sand to avoid the people gathered on Johnson Street in front of the stage.
Once back on the boardwalk on the other side, I asked, “Oh Dad, why couldn’t have Stay waited until I was free? This all could have been so different.”
“I can’t fault Stay for his good taste. Why would he wait, honey? Men tend to go after what they want and damn the obstacles.”
I furrowed my brow. “Well, he didn’t know about Mason at first but he did before we went out together.”
“Interesting. So you had a date with Stay?” he asked with no judgment in the question.
“It wasn’t a date!” I said, vehemently.
He chuckled and said, “Baby, did you go out with Stay, just the two of you?”
“Yes, to dinner and a concert.” I shrugged my shoulders.
“How is that not a date?”
“Because we’re just friends. You wouldn’t assume it was a date if I did the same with Jacqs.”
He turned me to face him and asked, “Did you know he was interested in you at that point?”
“Well ... I, yes, but he had purchased ti
ckets and I had already agreed to go.”
“Before you knew he was interested in you?” he asked.
“Well, no, I knew, but I made it clear I was interested in just friendship.”
He paused before responding as we continued to stroll. “How do you feel about Stay now?”
I have never lied to my father, even if I sometimes lied to myself. I told him the truth. “I like him and maybe if the timing was different, it might have worked out. I don’t know. He’s all consuming and I feel stripped bare and naked in front of him and I don’t particularly care for sensation. I don’t know how he managed to make it happen but I feel connected to him in a way I haven’t felt before.”
“And with Mason?”
“It’s completely different. It feels more staid and adult. I love him and I miss him every second we’re apart.”
“Even when Stay kissed you?” he asked as we turned back the other way.
“Dad!” I said, smacking his shoulder.
“Baby, I’m just trying to help you to see what’s in front of you so you can make your choices clean and clear.”
I gave in and answered him. “No, I didn’t think about anyone or anything while we were kissing.”
“So what do you plan to do now?”
“Beg Mason to forgive me for the kiss. The plus side of Stay’s pronouncement to Mason is that I have seen him more in the last week or so than ever before.”
“So he feels threatened.”
“Very.”
“How does that make you feel?”
I thought about it for a minute before responding. “Honestly, I like that he’s worried about losing me but I also don’t like the double standard.”
“Which is?”
“He goes home to his wife and yet he expects me to be monogamous.”
“Do you think he’s still having sex with his wife?” He held his arm out toward a bench facing the ocean.
After sitting down, I said, “He won’t answer the question directly. He makes it sound like he and his wife are barely getting along. He said they are working on finding a place of friendship and will raise the kids together.”
Bittersweet Deceit Page 14
