So Fine started up and I swayed to the beat, watching all the people who had showed up for the music.
Out of the corner of my eye I caught the sight of a recognizable walk. How did Jacqs put it? Feline, but masculine. My heart pounded uncomfortably in my chest—fast but shallow—I could feel it pulsing in my throat.
From the back, he looked strikingly similar to Mason. He held the hand of a petite woman, and two young children ran ahead of them. I’d never seen him in shorts or a T-shirt so I couldn’t be sure it was him.
Barely able to breathe, I followed behind them. They entered a booth that contained stoneware. The woman held up a square plate with a coyote and trees painted on it. She appeared to be around Mason’s age and was equally stunning with olive skin and dark hair. She said, “What do you think?”
I could tell by her expression that she was kidding. They both laughed and then he reached out for her hand again, hugging her to his side.
And then he spoke, and I died, “Hey, Mason, wait up for us. You too, Valerie.”
“Sorry,” the children chimed, one taking Mason’s hand and the other taking Victoria’s.
I couldn’t breathe—tears flowed freely—but I couldn’t stop following them.
“Let’s get out of the sun for a few minutes,” Mason said, leading them to a grassy area under a tree.
I stepped out of sight, but could still see the scene playing out before me.
They all sat on the grass, the kids each placed a blade between their thumbs to try to make a whistle. Victoria leaned back into Mason as he circled his arm around her. She tilted her head toward him and they laughed. He kissed the side of her face and the top of her head as he had done to me on many occasions.
I jerked my cell phone out of my pocket and typed a text.
Me: DON’T COME!
I was so close to the edge of a massive breakdown that I shook uncontrollably. Even so, I wouldn’t leave the spot until I watched him read my text.
His phone must have rung because he shifted to get it out of his pocket. He swiped the screen with his thumb and pressed in his code. The look on his face didn’t help me feel the slightest better—his mouth open, the color rapidly draining from his face.
I angled my head so the brim of my hat hid my forehead, and fanned myself with the map to further obscure my cheeks.
He stood up abruptly, his mood completely altered. Scanning the area, he must have suspected I saw him, but then his shoulders relaxed just slightly. I could tell he had changed his mind.
“Is everything okay?” I imagine Victoria said when she touched his shoulder.
He nodded as they headed back toward me.
I dipped behind a tree before they reached me.
“It’s too hot to stay,” he said, leading his family away—his happy, beautiful family. His gorgeous, skinny wife, and adorable kids—leaving me with his lies and devastation.
“Oh god,” I gasped out, grabbing my stomach and throwing up in the bushes. I couldn’t call my father. If he’d been in town, I’d have asked him to come get me. I didn’t want to lay this on Blue or Jacqs either.
I texted Jacqs.
Me: The heat’s getting to me. I’m going to take off. Bye to Blue. Love you, girl.
Jacqueline: Okay. We will probably only make it another hour. There is a particular artist Blue is hoping to see. Love you too, girl.
Nausea sloshed in my gut. The only thing that propelled me from the spot I occupied was my utter disdain of crying in front of people. I ran down the street and continued until I reached the edge of the ocean. I found a spot void of people to south behind a grouping of sea grass and crumbled down on the sand. Falling to the side, I cried like I never have before. I sobbed and wept for the love I thought I had, for who I thought Mason was, and who I’d become with him. If anyone could hear me, they’d most surely called the police because I wailed like a dying animal.
It probably would have continued on for days but between the heat and tidal wave of tears, I could hardly breathe my throat was so dry.
I wanted to die. Such acute, abject pain should automatically trigger self-implosion. Everyone would say, “That person there”—pointing to the pile of dust—“expired of a broken heart. It was ripped from her chest and pounced on.”
Maybe if I lie here long enough lightning will be kind enough to strike me on the spot. Or the ocean. I could walked straight in and let the waves carry me away.
I’ve always been a coward for pain, which is why suicide wasn’t really an option. That same fear was why I held people at such a distance before letting them in. Only I didn’t do that with Mason and see what that got me. I’d never felt so stupid in my entire life. I could hear my mother’s sharp voice saying, “For a smart girl, you really do dumb things.” Thanks Mom.
I could have destroyed that family, those cute kids and his adoring wife, all because I believed his stupid fucking lies. Seeing his skinny, gorgeous wife made me think it was all some sadistic, cruel joke. Why would he want someone like me? Find me sexy? Bull-fucking-shit!
My phone chirped as I was trying to stand up and get my bearings. I saw that I had messages from two people.
Mason: I hope everything is okay. Your message has me scared and confused. Please call me anytime between now and when my flight takes off. If I haven’t heard from
Mason: you, I’m going to drop by and check on you. Baby, I love you. Please call me.
Stayman: I’m sorry to intrude. I know you have plans with the girls but something keeps tugging at me to check in with you. I hope everything is okay. Call me either
Stayman: way when you get the chance.
Is he witch or something? How could he possibly know?
Me: Your voodoo detection system is on target. I’m nowhere near fine and I’m certain that fine and I will never live on the same street again. How did you know?
Stayman: I don’t know. Are you still at the fair?
Me: Yes and no. I’m on the beach nearby.
As if the universe was playing a cruel joke, the name of the event just hit me. How apropos.
Stayman: I’ll come get you.
Me: My car is in paid parking. I can’t just leave it there.
Stayman: We’ll come back and get it later.
Me: I don’t know.
Stayman: I do.
Me: That’s just because you’re a glutton for punishment. I think I’ll just find some shade and sit until I stop shaking. Thank you though.
Stayman: I’m already on my way.
Me: You’re so fucking stubborn and don’t text and drive!
The phone rang in my hand, and I saw MM show up. I hit ignore.
Stayman: I have hands free. What street is still open up there?
Me: Let’s meet at 50 Ocean. I could use the walk and I’ll get water at the bar.
Stayman: fifteen minutes.
Me: Okay.
I guess the ocean will have to wait.
My phone rang again and I hit ignore. I had nothing to say. What could I say? I don’t think words would suffice for how I felt. I wanted to punch and kick him like a punching bag not stopping until I was too tired to stand.
In my current state, disheveled and sandy, I hoped 50 Ocean would let me in.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Find a Way
by SafetySuit
The full bar at 50 Ocean shouldn’t have surprised me. It was hotter than hell outside. I squeezed between two patrons and asked for a glass of water, placing a dollar on the bar. I drank the whole glass so fast it gave me brain freeze. The guy to my right got up and I took his stool. “Tequila with orange juice and cranberry, double the tequila,” I said to a passing bartender.
“Gotcha,” he said.
The guy beside me said, “Your phone is going off.” I knew Mason’s ring so I didn’t bother to answer it. I thanked the bartender when he deliver my drink and refilled my water glass. To the guy next to me, I said, “Salute.” Still so thirsty, I downed the entire cock
tail.
“You okay?” Mr. Nosey Barfly asked. “You have sand on your cheek, and your hat is crooked.”
“Will you save my seat and order me another drink while I go use the rest room?” I asked, deciding that if he was so inclined to be in my life he could help me out.
“Sure. Don’t forget to take your phone with you,” he said, holding it out to me.
I huffed and took it from him. Once Stay got to the restaurant, I could mute the damn thing. In the bathroom, I realized Barfly was being kind. I didn’t look like myself at all and just seeing my reflection caused the tears to fall again. Sand covered my right cheek and tuffs of my hair hung out from around my baseball cap, which sat angled like a rapper would wear it. My eyes were red and puffy like I was ill or had some kind of disease.
I took off the hat and threw it in the trash, never wanting to be reminded of the day my life ended. I tried to smooth my hair as best as I could and retied it. Then I took a paper towel and brushed it against my cheek. Some of the sand fell into the sink but about half didn’t. I tried to pick it off but I gave up. I used the toilet and then went back to the bar.
Another drink awaited me, and so did Stay. He wore a nice dress shirt and slacks.
“Stayman, Barfly. Barfly, Stayman.”
“We’ve met. Can we go?” Stay pleaded with his eyes.
“Let me drink this first.”
“He says you already threw back one like a shot.”
I gave Barfly a dirty look and said, “He would be correct and I plan to do the same with this one.”
Stay took my arm and pulled me toward him “Come on, Lainie, let’s go. I think what you need is some food and some rest.”
“When I’m asking you what you think, I’ll let you know,” I said, sitting down. “Don’t look at me like that. Fuck, either of you.”
“Is she your girlfriend?” Barfly asked.
Stay shook his head no.
Then I heard Barfly whisper, “Does she have a drinking problem?”
He shook his head again.
I took one long swallow of the cocktail and said, “Let’s get the fuck out of here. Bye, Barfly.”
We walked out and around the side of the restaurant to his car.
“You brought the Corvette?”
“I have ... had a date.”
“You have a date? I thought you said you had a loyalty problem.”
“I’m trying to get passed it. Want to tell me what happened?”
“Hasn’t your voodoo, tantric powers clued you in?”
“I could take a guess given the state you’re in, but I’d rather you tell me.”
“I don’t think I can. I—” My phone interrupted me. “I’m turning the sound off,” I said and I did. “You have a date. I knew I should’ve finished that drink. Just drop me off at my—no, not my place...” I wondered if Jacqs still had her hidden key to the side of the front door of her apartment.
“I’m taking you to my place, Lainie.”
“That’s ridiculous, you have a date!”
“I cancelled it.”
“Oh, Stay, you didn’t. Call her back and apologize. Just explain ... explain that you had to rescue a friend and you have and now you’re free.”
“It’s done, Lainie.”
I turned in my seat, away from him, and started weeping again. Over my shoulder, he handed me a handkerchief. “Thank you,” I said.
Although he had seen me cry before, he hadn’t heard the pitiful sounds coming out of me. The torrent of emotion swept through me over and over like a never-ending tornado that lashed at my soul, ripping everything to shreds. I would never be a whole person again, never trust myself in any situation. Mason’s deception wiped away any respect I held for myself.
Stay rubbed my back and his touch caused me to cry even harder. “It’s going to be okay, Lane.”
“It’s never going to be okay again,” I cried. “Not ever,” I hiccupped. “I’m sorry about ... about being ... a bitch earlier. And your date...” Another wave of despair overtook me and I couldn’t talk through the tears.
“We’re almost there.”
“Okay,” I said in a shuddered breath. I felt cold down to my core, even with the sweltering heat outside. It pervaded my heart and soul. I gazed out the window seeing nothing.
My phone vibrated and I began to toss it out the window. Stay caught my hand as I drew back to throw it.
“Turn it off if you need to,” he said as he made a right onto the road to his place. He parked, and came around to my side, lifting me out of the car.
“His wife is really skinny,” I said, feeling like only half of me existed inside. The other part had left or gone into hiding.
“They were at the fair?”
“Yeah, with the kids.”
“Did he see you?”
“No,” I said. I started shaking again. “I feel cold.”
“Let’s get you inside.”
I didn’t start walking right away. “I’m so sorry, Stay. You were right about everything. Except about me. I’m not good enough for you or anyone. Please promise me you will call your date back.”
Then he hugged me, and the anguish continued to rake at the fabric of my soul. He turned me toward the entrance, his arm holding me tightly against him.
“I’m so sorry,” I cried again.
“Shh,” he said. “You have no reason to apologize to me.”
We rode the elevator to his floor, and once inside his apartment I started sliding down the wall by the door. Rusty greeted me, rubbing along my legs.
Stay kicked off his shoe and said, “No, Lainie. Come with me.” He removed my sneakers and led me to his bedroom, the cat following behind. “Lay down. I’m going to get you some water.”
I did as told me to, and said, “I don’t suppose you have any alcohol or other drugs in your place.”
“You would be correct. I’ll be right back,” he said, placing a blanket over me. He returned quickly, setting the glass of water down on the end table. He climbed into bed and spooned me. Rusty tried to get between us, but Stay shooed him away. “Do you want to tell me what happened? Does Jacqs and Blue know?”
I shook my head and turned in his arms to face him. “I didn’t tell them.”
“Why?” he said, looping his arm around my waist.
“I don’t know. Maybe because Blue was there, and I didn’t want to ruin their day. If it had just been Jacqs and me, I might have. I would have called my dad, but he’s out of town.”
“If I hadn’t texted?”
I felt Rusty snuggle against my back and didn’t mind. “I had planned to find some shade and wait until I felt like I could drive. I didn’t want to be home, and I wasn’t sure where I would end up. Maybe I would have asked Jacqs if I could stay at her apartment. I can’t believe you blew off your date.”
“I had this recurring, crushing ache in my chest, and your name came to me along with the pain each time.” His face winced as he recalled it.
“Did you ever consider it was a message to stay away from me, not rescue me?”
“I hadn’t considered that. Huh, should I drive you back?” he asked, pretending to get up.
“Don’t make me laugh, it hurts too much.
“I actually get that.”
“You do?”
Rusty jumped in between us and I scratched behind his ears. He purred like a locomotive.
“Don’t encourage him,” Stay said but he petted him as well. “Yeah, Karen was unfaithful to me twice. The pain? There’s really nothing like it. It’s almost like possession; it takes over your whole body. I broke it off after the second time.”
“And you were still my friend when you knew I was having an affair.” I rocked my head back and forth.
“I don’t judge, Lane. We all have our lessons to learn and I’m no expert at life.”
I kept shaking my head. “Maybe Cat’s right and a person can be too nice.”
“Trust me, I’m not nice.”
&nb
sp; I stared at him, picking up his meaning. “Are you hard?”
“Rock-hard.”
I sat up in the bed. “I’m flattered. I mean ... I think I am, but more amazed than anything. How could you possibly get hard with me in such a mess? That is ... I don’t know what ... crazy.”
He grabbed my hand and said, “I can show you.”
“That’s definitely not necessary.”
He let go of my hand.
“Why are you unwilling to see that I’m a horrible choice for you? I’m not sure I’ll ever trust myself, or anyone, again. I thought he loved me, really loved me. Since he met you, he’s made all kinds of time for me and we were closer than ever.”
He wiped the tears that began to spill again. “I’m sure he loves you, Lainie. How could he not? Some men will never be satisfied with one woman. Did he ever say he would leave his wife?”
I laid my head on his outstretched arm. “No, never. But he said their relationship was extremely strained and they were working on finding friendship to raise their kids together under the same roof. Jacqs tried to warn me that if he’s lying to his family, he’s probably lying to me too, but I wouldn’t hear it.”
“Love makes us blind sometimes. Let me make you feel better, Lainie.” He started massaging my neck.
“I can’t. I mean I could, but it wouldn’t be fair. I’d be using you.”
“What if I say I want you to?” he said, touching my cheek.
“I’d say you’re being stupid, and I don’t want to hurt you.” I lifted my head to better see his eyes. “I have no idea how long it will take me to get over this or if I ever will.”
“Then just let me be here for you. That’s enough.”
I stared at him in disbelief. “You are way too good for me. Way too nice. I don’t deserve it.” I rested my head on his arm again and closed my eyes.
Bittersweet Deceit Page 18
