Bittersweet Deceit

by Blakely Bennett

“Thank you,” I said to his compliment, but I didn’t want to acknowledge the other part. “How long can you stay hard like that?”

  “Honey, with you? Forever. Once I come my cock takes a time out, but with you I don’t imagine it will be a long one. Are you ready to continue?”

  “One more kiss first?”

  He obliged.

  I fell into his kiss, not wanting to think about what any of it meant.

  He again arrested me with his lips, and I no longer had to think. Then he stood and said, “Are you ready?” He grabbed my hair at the nape of my neck and tilted my head before gliding in. Up and down he used my throat, and I forgot myself. Lainie had fled the building and in her place a woman who wanted to give her body away.

  “I’m almost there. Take a big breath for me. Okay, hold on.” He pushed his cock into my throat one last time as he cradled my head in his hands.

  Tears poured out of my eyes as we held eye contact. His orgasm contorted his features and he shook as he came and squirted down my throat. “Lainie,” he yelled stretching out my name. And then he came for what felt like minutes. He pulled partially out while he continued to ejaculate into mouth.

  Not only had I never been with a man who could orgasm for that long, I had never been with anyone who released so much come.

  When he finally finished, he collapsed onto the bed and held out his arms to me.

  “I’m really wet,” I said.

  “I don’t care, come here.”

  I climbed on top of him and nuzzled into his neck.

  “That was incredible. Beyond my imagination,” he said.

  “I’m not sure I should get credit for that,” I said, circling my arms around his shoulders.

  “Oh yes you do.”

  “Stay, I’m getting your leg all wet.” I moved to get up.

  He laughed and clutched me. “Stop worrying about it.”

  “I have a couple of questions.”

  “Shoot.” He traced his finger down the contours of my spine.

  “How far in my throat did you get?”

  He held up his fingers about an inch and a half apart.

  “Bullshit. That’s all?”

  “Honest to god, but that’s great for the first time. Is your throat sore?” he asked.

  “Not that I can tell. Also, what does this have to do with tantra?”

  “Not a fucking thing.” The wickedness in his deep-blue eyes made me feel more than I wanted to.

  I laughed it off and said, “I thought so.”

  “However, at least for me, it was incredibly intimate.”

  “It was.” I folded my hands over his chest and rested my head.

  He played with my hair and said, “I think we need to take care of that sopping wet pussy of yours. Do you have a preference?”

  “Yes, but you already said no,” I said, looking up again.

  “You want me inside.”

  “Badly.” And I meant it.

  “Me too, but not yet.”

  “I understand,” I said.

  “Do you?”

  “No, not really,” I admitted

  “It’s a different type of energy exchange, and one I don’t take lightly. Mind you, I used to when I drank all the time. I no longer live like that, and haven’t for years. You don’t have to love me but you at least have to be healed and open to us.”

  “Okay.”

  “I have a suggestion. You have to be willing to put most of your weight on top of me though.”

  I bristled a bit and said, “What is it?”

  “I was thinking we should take advantage of how wet you are. You can glide back and forth over my cock.”

  “Oh, I think I see what you mean.” I sifted to the side and asked, “How will I come?”

  “Your clit will rub against my cock.”

  “Show me.”

  He rolled me on top of him and lined up his semi-hard-on with my slit. “Use my chest for leverage.”

  I straddled him, my knees out wide, hips tilted back. As I slid forward clutching onto his firm, muscular chest, he grew underneath me. “Oh, I like this. You’re expanding.”

  He used my hips to help with the motion. He smiled and grunted. “You’re so silky and smooth. I’m getting so hard for you, Lane. And just for you.”

  I stroked across the underside of his cock, swiveling my hips up and back.

  “That feels incredible. Make sure your clit hits against the head. Oh yeah, just like that.”

  “Oh, that is good.” I felt so swollen and sensitive as I continued to move. “Can you feel my clit?”

  “I can feel ... all of you. Come closer,” he said, pulling me to him.

  Dancing over his cock, I lowered down toward his chest and said, “Should I squeeze your nipples?”

  “Not until I’m close. Let’s pick up the pace.” He lifted my right breast and sucked on my nipple.

  I groaned still massaging myself on top of him. “I’m getting closer, oh that feels so good.”

  He moved to the other side, pulling and tugging with his mouth. Then his hands moved back to my hips and he helped me keep the fast rhythm. “Okay, Lainie, you’re on.”

  I shifted my weight back slightly and, still leaning forward, I rolled his tiny nipples between my fingers. “You definitely like that. Oh, I felt you pulse ... and again ... you’re twitching against my—” Loud groans escaped me, sounding my impending climax.

  “Look down,” he grunted.

  When my orgasm hit, I watched the head of his cock become visible and then retract between my folds.

  He moved us even faster, his hips jerking against me, and then I watched his come spurt out onto his chest. Once his release tapered off, I said, “I don’t suppose you have another hanky for this.”

  He laughed and said, “I think we both need to head to the bathroom.”

  “Good idea.”

  He cupped his hand under the come on his chest and rushed to the bathroom.

  I followed behind. “Washcloth?” I asked.

  “Under the other sink.”

  I bent down and grabbed two, tossing him one.

  “Thanks.”

  “Have you done that before?” I asked while running warm water over the washcloth.

  “No, I’ve never been with a woman as wet as you were. The idea just came to me in the moment.”

  “Good,” I said and I meant it. “Stayman, that was absolutely unbelievable. I never thought I could do that and the feeling, wow. I had two, count them, two clitoral orgasms today; and you were right, they are different.”

  “Seriously, it was definitely my pleasure.”

  I smiled at him and asked, “Do you have any idea what time it is?”

  “None.”

  “Don’t watch me while I clean up,” I said.

  “Have you never showered with a man?”

  “No, I haven’t. Now you’re the one shaking your head. Just turn around.”

  “OCDC, I’m going to have to get you to loosen up about your body. You have a very, very sexy body.”

  “Fine, we can start tomorrow. Now turn around.”

  He chuckled and said, “Tomorrow,” with a huge smile. He left the bathroom to give me privacy.

  When I entered the bedroom Stay lay in bed under the covers. He held the sheet and blanket up for me to climb in. I took a sip of the water on the nightstand and got into the bed.

  “It’s just after six,” he said, folding me in his arms with my cheek on his chest. “Let’s take a nap and then we can go get your car in Delray.”

  Stay saying Delray brought everything to the forefront. All that we had chased away while he and I played was a mere reprieve. He quickly drifted off to sleep as my gut twisted and turned. I knew I wouldn’t nap.

  I carefully extracted myself from under his arm and placed it down gently. Tiptoeing to the closet, I searched and found a pair of sweatpants I thought would fit me. I slipped into the pants and the gray shirt I wore before. I took my cell phone off the nig
htstand and left the bedroom, closing the door behind me.

  My keys sat on the bar near the pizza box. I looked around for pen and paper and wandered into “the room” where I found both in the right drawer of his desk. Settling on the couch in the living room, Rusty purred next to me as I wrote Stay a note.

  Dear Stayman,

  Once again you’ve managed to rescue me from a horrible situation, and made it so much easier on me. Unfortunately I can’t just throw Mason up and feel better. Oh if only I could.

  My time with you today ... there’s so much to say. You are an incredible friend and lover. In the short time we played I enjoyed three entirely new experiences, which still have my head spinning.

  I’m not sneaking out to get away as much as I couldn’t relax and sleep with all the turmoil still running through me. The respite you offered me will never be forgotten. Never.

  I’m not sure where we go from here. I’m heartbroken, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you in the process because you don’t deserve that. I need time. I hope you understand.

  With deepest affection,

  OCDC

  Using the powder room by the front door, I tied my messy hair into a knot. I wouldn’t normally be caught dead in public in the state I was in, but there wasn’t any other option. I slipped on my Keds, petted Rusty goodbye, and left. Outside the building, I called a cab and waited.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Fiction

  by The xx

  I managed not to cry on my way to my car. It seemed that grief not only surfaced for Mason, but also for Stay. As much as I enjoyed his company and sex, I couldn’t be his girlfriend. It could take months for me to find myself in the rubble that my heart had become.

  As I climbed the steps to my apartment, the last ounce of energy drained out of me. In front of my door sat flowers and an envelope. It only made my stomach broil more. The arrangement had pink roses and Gerber daisies. Pink? Knowing Mason, it had some significance. I left the flowers outside and took the card in with me.

  Ridding myself of Stay’s clothes, I then cleansed myself of his smell in the shower. Not that it was unpleasant in the least. Our smells had melded together in an intensely pleasurable way, but I didn’t want be reminded of it.

  In boy shorts and a T-shirt I sat on the balcony with a cigarette and Mason’s card. It was still warm that evening, and I fanned myself with the envelope contemplating its contents. The man had a way with words so I imagined it would be an impassioned plea for forgiveness.

  As much as I reveled in Stay’s attention and affection, it further complicated matters. Sitting there, lighting a second cigarette, I felt selfish in regard to Stay. Whether I wanted to face it or not, Stay had strong feelings for me and I let our relationship to go to the next level, even though I wasn’t available to live in it with him. I’m sorry, Stay, I thought.

  When my tears fell, they were solely for Stayman.

  I tamped out the cigarette and opened the envelope.

  Dearest Lainie, the love of my life,

  In every way I have mishandled our love. How could have I explained to you that things got better between Victoria and I, and not lose you in the process. If I could do this lifetime over, I’d wait until the night we met in GG’s Waterfront Bar and Grill. But we both know I can’t go back.

  You must feel betrayed and lied to, but please, baby, I’ve never lied to you, ever. It was true when we met that my marriage was in horrendous condition. I had little hope of finding resolution, but we both committed, for the sake of the children, to get counseling together. It helped us a lot. The relationship still isn’t ideal but we are making it work.

  For me, our time together is separate from the rest of my life. It’s as if I live in two separate worlds. When I’m with you, it rejuvenates my soul and I can’t live without it. If you make me choose, I will choose you, but I hope it doesn’t come to that.

  “Bullshit,” I yelled. “What a load of crap!” He knows I would never take him away from his kids, and how would that even work? He would be sad and depressed, and would take it out on me. Fuck you for even suggesting it. I continued reading.

  Please, baby, don’t give up on us. I know I’m being selfish, but I can’t, I won’t, let you go. I know you mentioned Stayman just to hurt me and it worked. That boy isn’t worth your time. He will never love you the way I do: with all of my heart and soul. You are the only woman I have ever felt this way about. No other relationship felt close to what we have together.

  What did we have? Sexual dalliances at his whim? I started to break down again, so I went back inside and plopped down on the bed. Resting my head on the pillow, holding the pages above me, I finished reading the letter.

  I promise you, when the right MAN comes along I will give you my blessings and back away. It’s not the boy, and now is not the time. More than anything in the world I want you to be happy, and, for as long as that can be, I want to be the one to make you happy. Please, baby, I’m begging you, let me back in to fix what I broke.

  I love you so much, and I’m so sorry you’re hurting. It hurts me to know I’m the cause.

  Call me or text anytime. I waited as long as I could outside your place before I had to leave for the airport. My flight will land at ten o’clock, your time.

  You have my heart,

  Mason

  “Jesus fucking Christ!” I yelled, throwing the letter to the floor. I pulled my journal onto my lap and started to write:

  Mother fucker, goddamn everyone to hell! How I had let myself float in euphoria for the days leading up to the stab into my jugular? It just shows how delusional I was. Stupid, girl, so fucking stupid. I guess my mother was right—for a smart woman, I make dumb-ass choices.

  Maybe I should run away to Canada like I used to dream about as a kid. Sell the boutique and start over somewhere else. Of course it’s just a fantasy. I never would have left my father alone with my mother back then, and I would never abandon him or my friends now. The need to flee is overwhelming. At least in Stay’s arms I didn’t feel like I was dying. I felt it now, like death loomed over me, following my each and every step.

  I shot out of bed when the anxiety became too overwhelming. How can I be this tensed up and tired at the same time? I contemplated going for a walk or a swim, but instead crumbled on the couch in tears. The pain forced me under again, trapped in a tidal wave that wouldn’t let me up for air.

  A loud knock on the door snapped me out of it. Who the fuck? I decided not to answer it.

  “Lainie, let me in,” Mason said. “Your car is in your spot. I changed my flight till later. Open the door.”

  I didn’t say anything or move. My stomach clinched, and the ocean of hurt held me down.

  Then he pounded on the door repetitively, and I didn’t want him to create a scene, drawing out the neighbors.

  Through the door I said, “Give me a minute.”

  In the bedroom I threw on a pair of jeans and then grabbed the pack of smokes and the lighter. Without checking my appearance, I slipped on my flip-flops by the door and opened it.

  He started to push in and I said, “No, you can’t come in. We can go sit by the pool.”

  Not saying anything, I trudged down the middle set of stairs and around the back to the pool area. I sat in a redwood Adirondack chair in front of a circular, white, plastic table. I pulled the ashtray toward me and lit a cigarette.

  Mason took the chair opposite from me. He was in a business suit I’d seen him in before. “You smoke? Since when?”

  I shrugged not saying anything.

  “I have an hour before I need to head back to the airport. I couldn’t leave before we had a chance to talk.”

  “I guess I should have stayed over at the boy’s place instead of coming home,” I said tapping the end of the cigarette in the ashtray.

  “Please don’t do this.”

  I took another drag on my cigarette and said, “Do what exactly? Be a fool? Lay my heart out to be trampled on? Tell you
I love you? I’m in full agreement. I should never have done any of those things.”

  “I don’t see why my relationship with Victoria should alter what we have?”

  “Then you’re an idiot,” I said, blowing out the smoke.

  “Excuse me, Lainie, but that’s not okay.”

  “I told you not to come by. I told you I didn’t want to see you. Did you listen?” I swept my hand toward him. “And there you sit. Don’t tell me how to fucking react or what the fuck to say. I’m no longer your weeping willow waiting for the next drop of rain you might send my way. I can’t imagine what you want from me, what you expect from me? To pretend I didn’t see your sweet family at the art show? Tell me how to do that? I will say this, the expression on your face when you got my message was priceless. I’ll hold on to that.” Anger felt oh-so much better than I the pain that was pulling me down like quicksand.

  He ran his hand over his hair and said, “What you saw was fear.”

  “I fucking bet it was. I have no doubt. ‘Is Lainie going to walk out of the shadows and rip apart my perfect life like I ripped apart her heart?’” I stared at the end of cigarette and tapped off the ash again.

  “I never thought for one second you would do that. I was scared at first that something horrible had happened, and then that you saw me.”

  “You’re lying even now,” I said, pointing at him. “I saw you looking around for me and then you decided against it.”

  “If you say so. I was—I am—so scared of losing you. I love you so—”

  I sigh and said, “Let’s not, okay? You have lost me. If you have read my texts then you know I made myself abundantly clear. As much as you seem to despise Stayman, he said that he thought you genuinely love me and won’t give up trying to get me back.”

  “He’s right, I won’t.” He leaned forward and placed his arms on his thighs. His posture reminded me of the night he and Stay met.

  “While I have you here,” I said, “I might as well get all the questions I never asked answered. I was always too scared to push you away. It’s freeing when you don’t give a shit anymore. Am I your first?”