Filling the filter with enough coffee for two and pouring in the allotted water, I flipped on the switch. I hear noise come from the bathroom as I fought off a world of hurt inside. I zoned-out to the coffee dripping, focusing on the color, aroma, and sound.
“I’m approaching and I don’t want to scare you,” Stay said as he entered the kitchen sans clothes.
“You’re naked,” I said, straining not to stare at the semi-hard erection in front of me.
“That’s how I sleep. Come back to bed, Lane, I have plans for you. It’s still early.”
“Did you carry me to bed last night?” I said, pretending to look at something on the floor by his feet and then glancing up.
“Yeah, we didn’t get far into the movie before you fell out.” He rubbed his hand over the top of his head and said, “Mornings are hard, right? I’d hoped to make yours much better.”
“Stop being so damn nice to me. And you cleaned my kitchen again,” I said with an elevated voice. “I hardly merit it. I got what I deserved.”
“Would you like me to go?” he asked, his arms held out in question. He looked incredibly adorable, naked in my kitchen, vulnerable and exposed. There was zero artifice with him.
“Yes ... no, I don’t know.”
“Don’t do it, Lainie,” he said, taking a step toward me.
“Do what?” I said, hugging the counter against my back.
“Bring up my heart again or hurting me. I take back what I said.”
“About?” I curled my hands behind me and held onto the edge of the granite.
He came closer and said, “We can be whatever we are now. I won’t pressure you for more.”
“You can do friends with benefits?” I asked with real skepticism.
“I never have, but let’s give it shot. I understand you need time and frankly if I don’t get inside of you soon, I might blow a gasket.”
Focusing on his face, I said, “It’s amazing how our firmly held resolutions fly out the window with great chemistry.”
“You think we have great chemistry?”
“I’m hurting, I’m not dead. I’d have to be blind not to have noticed. Not sure what that matters anyway. You yourself told me powerful chemistry doesn’t necessarily mean a healthy match.”
“I wasn’t talking about us, OC,” he whispered, standing way too close.
I cleared my throat and said, “Coffee’s ready. Would you like a cup?”
“I’d rather have you first, and then take a shower together.”
“I’m not sure I’m ready for that,” I said, staring at his inflating cock.
“Which?” he asked, one eyebrow rose. He knew. “The shower can wait, but I hope to change your mind about that too.” Closing the short distance between us, he kissed his way from my collarbone up the right side of neck, cradling my head in his hands.
“Do you ever take no for an answer?” I murmured, relaxing into him.
Mumbling against my throat, he said, “You didn’t say no, OC.”
“Didn’t I?” I moaned.
His lips found my pulse and he nipped and sucked there. He tilted my head so he could savor the left side too.
When his lips finally reached mine, he owned me, leading me to his unique rhythm and guiding me through each step until the music became so frantic I had to part from the sensual dance to catch my breath.
“Oh ... give me a ... second,” I panted.
And that’s about all he gave me. When his mouth moved toward mine again, he escorted me through another melody, and it didn’t take long for my natural juices to gather between my thighs.
I let him lead me back to the bedroom, my heart pounding from his near proximity.
“I dreamt of you last night,” he said as he pulled my shirt over my head.
My nipples stood out for Stay to see, and his pre-cum beckoned me.
His hand brushed over my buds and I moaned. “I love how your body responds.” He ran his hands down my sides, following the curve in at my waist and the flare of my hips. Hooking the elastic of the sweatpants, he slid them down my legs. “I adore every square inch of you and plan to get to know each spot intimately.” He dipped down in front of me and kissed my mound and then my belly. With his arms he hugged me to him and sighed against my stomach.
I held his head in my hands, grazing them across his short hair.
“Oh, that feels so good,” he said. He gazed up at me, his smile warming my heart. “Come”—he rose up and brought me into the center of the bed—“I have a request.”
“Oh?”
“Be present with me,” he said.
“That’s not a challenge at all. Once you wrap me up in your energy—”
“Our energies,” he corrected.
“Okay, our merged energies, I’m transported away from myself and acutely aware of every sensation.”
“Perfect.”
In the center of the bed, we sat facing each other, my legs over his, his cock resting against my mound. Once our kiss reignited, I left my mind, the world, and nothing mattered other than getting as close to Stay as humanly possible. I circled my legs behind his lower back and he did the same, grasping me firmly, his hands buried in my hair and mine wrapped around his neck. If I could, I’d climb inside of him and stay there for months, allowing his love to repair the gaping hole in my heart. In his arms I felt scared and saved all joined into one strange concoction.
“You smell so good. I’m fighting with myself about where to go first,” he said, dipping is fingers in my swollen labia. He licked them and we both groaned. “No one tastes like you, Lainie, so heady, musky, sweet, and salty all at once.”
“I want you inside me,” I said, raising my hips over his lap. “I don’t know if I can take all of you so—”
“We’ll go slowly,” he said, helping me to lower down.
“Oh ... oh ... fuck,” I said, my eyes opened wide.
He chuckled and said, “Damn, woman, you’re so tight.”
Gazing down between us, I said, “I thinking it’s more that you’re immense.”
“Oh, Jesus. We might have to start all our sex with my cock down your throat first. Get you soaking wet.”
“Very funny.” I lifted my hips and settled back down again, but wasn’t making much headway.
“The first time we make love, I want it to be phenomenal for us both. I have an idea.” He maneuvered me onto my back and lowered me down onto the bed.”
I reached and tapped him on the shoulder. “Your cock is too far away.”
“Shh, OCDC, trust me.” Once his tongue touched my pussy, I shut up. He licked around my entrance and then sucked gently on my labia. He pushed my thighs back and knees wide. His teases to my clit caused a flood of wetness. “There,” he said. He moved up on the bed and positioned his cock at my entrance. “Are you ready to try again?”
I wanted him inside in the worst possible way and told him yes with my eyes.
“Me too,” he said, slowly breaching my pussy.
“More,” I moaned.
“Okay.” He lowered his weight onto me and said, “There you go, relax for me. You’ll get used to me in no time.”
“I’ll never get used to you.”
“With all my heart, I hope that’s true.”
Our eyes locked in a different way and our breathing became synced. He rolled his hips going deeper with each down stroke.
“Can you take more? I’m almost there.”
“Take it.”
“Don’t say if—”
I grasped his ass and he got the message.
He paused once fully immersed and said, “Jesus, Lane, I could stay here forever.”
“I’d rather you start moving,” I said with a cheeky smile of my own.
“Your wish, and all of that.” He kissed the tip of my nose and then lightly bit my lower lip. Slowly and sensual he moved his shaft in, swiveling his hips, and eased out with equal precision.
My body better accommodated him with each st
roke.
He took me by surprise when he manhandled me back onto his lap, facing him. He had slipped out slightly.
I lowered down onto him and had an easier time of it.
He wrapped his arms tightly around me and carried some of the weight of my up and down movement, controlling our pace. “This way ... I can easily—” He swept me up in another sweltering kiss.
I could finally touch his smooth, tan skin and I did. I caressed my hands down his back and then trailed up his neck. With one hand I stroked his head.
He broke off the kiss. “I love when you do that.”
“I can tell. You can go harder.”
“I don’t want to hurt you. Lay down with me. Let me spoon you from behind, that way I can pound into you like we both need.”
Side by side, my back to his, he entered me with a forceful thrust.
“Oh yes,” I groaned.
“Kiss me, Lainie. I need to see those eyes.”
I shifted my upper body and turned my face to him.
He curled his arms around my shoulders and gave me exactly what I need.
“Take me, Stay, please.”
And he did, over and over again. I thought of nothing but the feel of his cock stretching me and the thick head of his shaft rubbing my G-spot on each stroke. “I’m close,” I croaked through the breath I held.
“Connect with my breath again,” he said as he slowed his incursion. “There, that’s good. I want to take you really hard. Are you ready?”
“Pleeease!”
“Hang on.” He pounded against me, gripping me tight, and I reveled in the force. “Look at me,” he ordered.
I turned my body slightly, laying more of my weight against him. He lifted my top leg and penetrated even deeper. His body’s energy permeated my back, his blue eyes captivating my soul, and his cock stretching me to new depths.
“Now,” I screamed. I shot out of myself, away from all that reality had waiting for me. I sailed in the clouds above, praying, hoping, and begging never to come back down.
As soon as his orgasm began to fire, I was yanked back into my body for another stormy release.
“Lainie,” he grunted. He jerked repeatedly until he finally stilled. Then he started laughing.
“What?” I demanded, spinning in his arms to face him.
“Relax, OCDC, I loved every damn second of it. You just continue to amaze me, is all.”
“That’s simply because you expected me to be different.”
He gathered my hair behind my back and said, “That’s definitely part of it and after we make love another twenty times this week, I’m sure I’ll get over it.”
“Twenty times?”
“Don’t get bogged down with the details, OC. We can shoot for thirty if you’d like.” He winked.
“The other part?”
“I’ll tell you another time when I don’t think it will send you running in the other direction. Friends with benefits, remember?” He twitched his eyebrows in mirth but then his expression transformed. He mesmerized me with another deep kiss and when he pulled back, he said, “Shower?”
My heart dropped when I realized what I really need was time alone. “Stay,” I started.
“Your expression says everything. I’ll get going.” He moved to get up and I caught his arm.
“Please don’t be upset with me. Please. I ... I ... this time with you … I would never trade it for the world. You have been so incredible to me in every way conceivable. If you truly think you can do friends with benefits, I want to. This isn’t ‘get lost’ this is, I need time to myself.”
He hugged me to him and said, “I understand. When can I see you again?”
“Can we play it by ear? I’d like to spend tonight alone but maybe Tuesday after work.”
“I’d prefer my place. I have a few things I like to show you.”
“Okay, your place, Tuesday night.” I didn’t know if I’d be ready by then but I also understood I couldn’t put him off indefinitely.
He stood up and began to dress. “And on Wednesday? What do we say to everyone?”
“Um, I haven’t thought about that. I haven’t even had a chance to talk to Jacqs.”
His energy shift became intensely apparent.
“How about we tell them the truth? I’d rather not share about Mason but more about us.”
He smiled. “I’m good with that.”
“Your energy has changed.”
“It’s going to take some getting used to for me. The on and off.” He sat down on the bed and pulled on his socks.
“I don’t understand. I thought you said that you and Karen spent plenty time apart.”
He looked up and said, “That’s because I wanted to.”
“Oh, I see.”
“I’m not good at giving the control away.”
I laughed. “I completely understand. We’ll sort it out along the way. Please give me a hug before you go. I’m sure you understand that I need time to process everything.”
“Yes, I do and that’s what worries me.”
My hand in his, we walked to the front door. We embraced and Stay rocked me back and forth just like my dad always did. When we separated, he said, “I won’t reach out unless I hear from you. I’ll miss you.” He touched my cheek, and left.
Saying goodbye to Stay hurt way more than it should have. I poured myself a cup of coffee and used the bathroom. With my robe around me, I went out onto the balcony. Cigarette in hand and coffee set by my feet, I stared out at the table that Mason and I had sat at the night before. The last twenty-four hours felt more like a month had passed. Filled with such a jumble of emotions, I couldn’t sort out how I really felt.
Back inside, I planned to climb into bed but decided to strip the sheets instead. It would be hard to concentrate with Stay’s scent and the smell of sex in the room. Once I had remade the bed, I pulled my journal onto my lap.
The push and pull of emotions has successfully made me numb. I know Stay has helped. My heart has been shattered and there’s no Mason to come back and glue the pieces together again. Stay is like a splint, which won’t be able to hold it together forever.
Jacqs will tell me I need to grieve and move through all five steps. I’m pretty sure I’ve moved past the denial and isolation stage. It might be more accurate to say I was catapulted over them and into the anger stage. In my case, the denial had been going on for a long time. My first stage should be called, harsh reality and having your face smashed into it. There is nothing to bargain with, so stage three is a wash too. I guess I can look forward to stage four: depression. Oh joy!
Where is the devastation stage? I think I’ve already passed anger and am staunchly into self-pity. Why had I, how had I, deluded myself so effectively? I truly believed Mason loved me, which shows my utter stupidity. There is dumb and then there is dumb-ass dumb, and the latter would be me. How could a man like him love someone like me anyway? I was a convenient distraction from his life, and I guess he was the same for me.
Where the hell do I insert Stay into this mess? Aren’t I selfish bitch if I don’t take his heart into account? He deserves far better than me, that’s for sure. Seems like Blue and/or Sam would be a better choice for him.
I can’t discount that he turned the worst day of my life into something incredible and memorable. But how flawed is that? So flawed. When I look back it’s not like I can cut out the part of my shattered heart.
I still love Mason. How fucked up is that? I like Stay—and the man is sexy as hell. Who knew he had it in him. Apparently I’ve surprised him as well. His cock! I could go on about that for days. I never thought I could enjoy a man so endowed, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t show me otherwise. He’s such a considerate lover, and a dominating one too. My pussy is twitching just thinking about his cock down my throat again. Maybe I should just be grateful for the distraction. It’s hard not to feel guilty about it though.
When I’m not being dumb-ass dumb, I can be aware. Stay lov
es me. Like Mason said, no man does the things he has done for me, to me, and not love the one he’s doing them for. Is it fair for me to continue forward with him when I doubt I will ever love him back?
He keeps telling me not to worry about him, but how do I do that?
I wonder if I’ll hear from Mason again. I know I made it clear that I didn’t want to but it doesn’t keep me from wondering.
It’s already so late; I need to jump in the shower and go to work. This is the first time that I’m not looking forward to it. I’d rather find a cave I can climb in and lick my wounds.
Don’t forget to call dad. Consider checking your messages and checking in with Jacqs. Somehow talking about all that happened is the last thing I want to do. Another gift from Stayman: someone who already knows everything.
I got ready for work then heated up a small bowl of Stay’s chicken soup. After a few spoonfuls I gave up. My stomach wasn’t having anymore. I finished my coffee and checked my phone. I missed four calls: two from Stay from the night before, one from Jacqs, and one from my father. Also, I had seven texts: two from Stay, three from Mason, one from Bond, and one from Blue.
MM: I hope at some point, when your anger has subsided, that you’ll give me a chance to explain. I love you with all my heart and I’m so sorry for all the hurt and
MM: anger you are going through because of me. You are the last person in the world I would ever want to hurt and I know I will never get over it or you.
MM: For the rest of my life, not matter how much time passes, I will be here for you. You can call me or text me anytime, day or night. Miss you so desperately.
“Jesus H. Christ!” Reading those texts was a dumb-ass dumb thing to do. I deleted them so I wouldn’t be inclined to reread them and obsesses over his words. “Fuck!” I screamed.
From Bond I received:
Bond: Have you heard from Stay? Is he with you?
To Stay I texted:
Me: Bond was looking for you. Have you touched base with him?
Stayman: You miss me already? :D Yes and I told him all about how I ravaged your body. He asked for details and I declined. :P
Bittersweet Deceit Page 23
