by Laura Burton
Once inside, I made a beeline to the stairs and Mia’s room, avoiding any possible contact with Nell. I didn’t want to answer any questions. I wasn’t sure, but I suspected she would take one look at me and read exactly what had happened. Or, at least, how I was feeling. And I didn’t need that right now. I needed sleep.
I got into Mia’s room, but she was nowhere in sight. I quickly slipped into the bathroom and rushed through my routine, cursing the entire makeup industry as I invested an extra five precious minutes to remove all the stuff I had taken almost a half-hour applying earlier.
Once back in Mia’s room, I slipped into my pajamas and got into the spare bed in her room and closed my eyes. Mia came in a few minutes later, and I kept my eyes plugged shut, pretending to be asleep. She tiptoed around me and picked something up off her dresser before leaving again, blanketing the room in darkness. It matched my current state of mind.
A few minutes later, I could hear movement in the bathroom coming from the other side. It was a bathroom Mia and Shane shared. I could almost imagine Shane in there. Brushing his teeth. Getting ready for bed.
A single tear slipped out of my eye and traveled over my cheek. I swiped at it, eager to hide any signs of distress.
How was it that in two weeks’ time I found myself crying over two different boys? How was it possible that both times it felt like my heart cracked, splitting the tender organ in two and leaving me bleeding out?
-Chapter 14-
The hum of Shane’s engine soothed me. The constant, even buzzing vibrated through the car and nearly rocked me back to sleep. Not that I hadn’t slept last night. But I woke up feeling tired. The dreams that had plagued me during the night had exhausted my energy, leaving me lifeless and in a bad mood. Not the outcome I was hoping for after a night’s sleep.
“You’ve been awfully quiet this morning.” Shane’s hands clenched around the steering wheel.
It was true. All through breakfast I hadn’t said a word, claiming tiredness. My constant yawning had backed that theory up and kept me from engaging in the conversations.
But now that I was alone with Shane, I feared I couldn’t keep avoiding conversation too much longer.
“Come to think of it,” Shane continued, his voice shaky, “you haven’t said much since last night. Nothing, really.”
He glanced over, taking his eyes off of the road for a second.
“Hmm,” I agreed, not saying anything more. It was true. But what could I say?
“About last night,” Shane started, but I cut him off before we could delve into that dangerous topic. I didn’t have the strength or the courage to open that can of worms.
“Any plans for this week?” I changed the subject. Not my smoothest change in conversation, but Shane paused and eyed me. After staring for a second, he either agreed it wasn’t the time to discuss the events of last night, or relief pushed him to answer my question.
“My friend Chad is a member of one of the fraternities on campus. They’re having a party this Wednesday night. You should come.”
I shifted in my seat and stared up at Shane, studying his face. I didn’t understand. He’d looked so relieved last night. I couldn’t forget that sorry. And now he was asking me out. To a party.
“Why?” My voice took on a skeptical edge.
“It’s a party. Do you need another reason?” Shane chuckled, but his jaw was tense.
“Yes,” I responded.
“There’ll be music. Dancing. I thought you might like that.” His eyes connected with mine.
“I don’t know how to dance,” I blurted. That wasn’t entirely true. I could dance any kind of ballroom dance. But I doubted that was the kind of dancing he meant.
“Perfect. We can practice.” Shane’s easy smile appeared. But it didn’t have the usual calming effect on me.
“Like to help me out for future reference?” I questioned. I wanted to know if Shane still considered everything we’d been doing as our little experiment. The tips. The pretend dating. Is that why he’d had the deer-in-the-headlights look on him last night? Was he afraid he’d almost kissed the hopeless girl he was supposed to be helping?
“Sure. If you like.” He shrugged, but his jaw tightened again.
Not nearly as much as my stomach curled in on itself. I guess that was it, then. This whole weekend had been nothing more than that. I didn’t think I had any hope left in me to shatter, but here we were. I felt a sharp pain cut right through me. Like a swift jab, right to my solar plexus, knocking the wind right out of me.
“Sure, Shane.” I blinked, turning in my seat and focusing on the scene outside. I stared just beyond the trees we passed, not seeing the details of the tree trunks, but seeing them zip past at regular intervals to keep my mind preoccupied on the consistency of the view. That way I could compartmentalize the emotions and thoughts swirling around and keep them packed safely in a little corner of my mind, ready to be opened up later on when I was alone and brave enough to dissect the details.
“Great, Abs.” Shane’s voice sounded chipper. “It’s a date.”
I kept my gaze trained on the trees zipping by and focused on maintaining my practiced neutral expression. When I felt like I could manage keeping myself in check, I dared a small glance in Shane’s direction. His face was relaxed. His lips were moving, wording out the lyrics of the song that was chirping through the speaker. Not a care in the world.
I checked my watch and the signs on the road. Fifteen more minutes, and I’d be back in my dorm. Out of this car. Away from Shane. Free to let it all out.
Why did I get myself into these kinds of situations?
“So, I’ll see you on Wednesday, then?” Shane switched the engine off but remained seated.
“I’ll probably see you in class before that. Tomorrow,” I said, more for my own sake than Shane’s. I needed the reminder that I would be facing him, and I needed to get myself pulled back into regular Abby-mode. This weekend, I’d somehow let myself drift into a place where I thought guys like Shane could like a girl like me. But no. I wasn’t that lucky.
“Yeah.” Shane chuckled nervously.
I didn’t want to sit here and analyze why. Lord knew I had enough of analysis to do when I got inside my room. I didn’t need any more to think about. I unbuckled my seat belt and opened my door.
“Wait.” Shane mimicked my movements, but at a much faster speed, and made it to my side in seconds. Holding open the door for me, he spoke up. “I had a great weekend, Abs.”
His eyes searched mine, and for a second it looked like that same intensity from last night was back. That spark jolted through my system. But it couldn’t be. Looking up into Shane’s eyes, I could still remember that look from last night and that sorry that had ripped a hole in my middle. It couldn’t be erased from my memory. No point in wishful thinking.
“You’re a great friend.” I pulled back. Physically and emotionally. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. Giving my heart to a guy. Hoping. Longing. Aching. And then having that dream shattered. It was time to let go.
“I’ll see you.” I took my bags and spun on my heel. Taking a big breath, I forced myself to walk with my head held high. There would be plenty of time to cry and eat ice cream.
“See you tomorrow,” Shane called. I didn’t respond. I needed to get inside and away from him.
“Oh, my goodness, Abby. Look at you! How’d it go? Are you over Chris and into Shane?” Haley peppered me with questions the moment I swung the door open to our place.
She took one look at me, and her hyped-up tone vanished. “What happened?” She closed the few steps between us and wrapped her arms around me.
“Nothing,” I blurted as the first tear leaked out of the corner of my eye and rolled over my cheek.
“What do you mean, nothing? Look at you. You’re wearing new clothes. Your hair is curled. And where are your glasses? Can you even see me properly?” Haley barely even paused between each question to breathe in.
“Of
course I can. Contacts.” I pointed to my eyes.
“Well, you look amazing.” Haley stopped her energetic movements and studied me. “You always were beautiful. But now.” She paused. “Now, you look like you’ve made an effort. It looks great.”
I could understand what she meant. I had never put much effort into my appearance. I always just kind of threw clothes on, not too worried if they even matched. This was a big upgrade.
Haley continued to stare and prod, fluffing my hair and inspecting each change. When another tear rolled over my face, she halted her inspections and led me to the couch.
“Sit.” She pointed, ushering me to take a seat. She stepped away and returned with two spoons and two pints of ice cream.
“This early in the morning?” I questioned.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures.” Haley popped the lid of her flavor. I noticed she handed me the chocolate one with all the peanut butter cups and goodies laced in it, whereas she took the generic vanilla. Haley really was a good friend.
Once I’d had a few mouthfuls, she blurted out between her own bites, “Spill.”
And I did. I put my ice cream aside and gave her the whole story. Not a detail left out.
“So, what are you going to do?” Haley had also abandoned her ice cream, and her finger was wrapped around a strand of hair, twirling it around.
“Nothing.” I huffed.
“What do you mean, nothing?” Haley pulled her leg up to the couch and sat cross-legged, facing me.
“What can I do?” I held my hands up.
“From where I’m seated, it looks like Shane’s into you.”
“No,” I protested, recalling that look, that word from last night that had dashed my hopes.
“I wasn’t finished.” Haley spoke up. “I don’t think you have enough experience with guys to have a good handle on these things. I think Shane does like you. But what about Chris? Are you still in love with him?”
“I don’t know.” My voice cracked. I had been so focused on my infatuation for my best friend for the last four years, I had never imagined another possibility. “I don’t think so.”
Haley raised her brows.
“I’m not sure.”
“And what about Shane? Do you like him?” She pushed.
How to answer that question?
“Yes,” I admitted. It felt good to say it out loud. But that didn’t make it any easier.
“You know what I think?” Haley stood up and collected our half-eaten pints. “I don’t think you’re attracted to Chris. I’m not sure you ever really were. But you’re attracted to Shane. Your cheeks burn when you talk about him. And I think he likes you, too. So just stop thinking so much, and let things unfold between you two.”
“Maybe you’re right,” I agreed. This weekend had convinced me that Chris was safe. I think I loved the idea of loving Chris. But I didn’t feel for him what I felt for Shane. Shane ignited a fire in me like Chris never had. But was I willing to have my heart broken? Truly broken this time?
-Chapter 15-
Turned out I didn’t see Shane on Monday after all. My phone chimed just as I walked into class, reminding me I needed to silence the device.
As I pulled it out of my backpack, I read a text from Shane.
Can’t make it today. Long night. Take notes for me?
My heart sank. I had spent all of yesterday convincing myself I had overreacted. Maybe I was imagining things? He had asked me out on a date, right?
I quickly typed out a Sure before silencing my phone and tucking it in my pocket.
Chemistry without Shane turned out to be a long class. The whole morning of classes dragged. By the time I got out for my lunch break, I was glad to breathe in some fresh air, and eat. I found a quiet spot on a bench in the shade and popped my earphones in, switching my playlist on. Taking a big bite out of my sandwich as I opened up my bag of Cheetos, I almost dropped my lunch when a hand landed on my shoulder.
“It is you.” Chris eyed me from head to toe. “I almost didn’t recognize you. Where are your glasses?”
“Contacts.” I spoke with Cheetos in my mouth. Gross, for sure, but this was Chris. The guy I’d known forever.
He sat down next to me and kept staring.
“It’s just jeans and contacts.” I shrugged, taking another bite from my tuna mayo on rye.
“You look so different. Like a real girl.” Chris kept blinking as he looked at me.
“Hello, Brainiac. I am a girl,” I defended. “What did you think I was?”
“Well, you’re…” Chris pointed out to me, his hand moving as he searched for the right words. “You’re Abby.”
“I know. I’m still Abby.” I laughed. I hadn’t seen Chris this flustered since his junior year when he’d found out his three-page English essay needed to be a six-page essay and that he was late handing it in. Still, he was Chris. He had fixed that problem with only a little effort.
“But…why?” he stuttered.
It was surprising how the last time I’d seen him face-to-face I’d thought he was the one for me. I had watched him kiss that redhead, and it’d felt like my world had tilted on its axis. Now I looked at him, really looked into his eyes, and all I saw was the guy I considered to be my best friend. But nothing more.
“Honestly?” I questioned.
He nodded, still searching for the words. I guess I couldn’t blame him. In reality, it was only a five-minute makeup job and a new outfit. But sans the glasses, it really was quite a difference.
“I thought I liked this guy. Loved him, really.”
Chris’s eyes widened. Another confirmation he’d never even considered me dating material.
“I thought that if I changed the way I looked, this guy would notice me. Want to date me.”
“You don’t need to change for a guy. You’re amazing.”
Oh, Chris. If only he knew. But his opinion didn’t matter anymore.
“Yeah, you’re right. But I like this version of me. I like making a little effort. Fixing my hair. I like feeling pretty.” If things didn’t work out with Shane, at least he and Mia would have given me this gift.
“And the guy?” Chris questioned.
“Turns out he’s into someone else.” There was no need to tell Chris the complete truth. We were great friends. Sure, a lot of that friendship had been me pining for him. But maybe I could try to just be his friend. No more longing for him secretly.
“He’s an idiot.” Chris pulled me into a hug, and it was the first one where I didn’t feel any kind of glimmer of something. And I was okay with that. Really.
“Are you going to be okay?” Chris studied me. He’d been my best friend for over four years. He knew me. Still, he’d never picked up on the insane crush I’d hidden.
“Yes.” I smiled. And I meant it. In that moment, I felt peace letting go of Chris. I still held onto hope that Shane and I would have a shot, but I was determined to be okay either way.
“I think you will be.” He leaned in for another quick hug before pulling back completely and getting up.
“I better get going. Evie’s meeting me before my physics lab. I’ve got to run.”
“How are things going between you two?” I asked, genuinely interested.
“Great.” A huge grin appeared on his face. I was glad Chris seemed to have forgotten our last conversation about Evie, or had decided to ignore it. “You need to meet up with us. You’d love Evie.”
Two weeks ago, those words would have felt like a poisoned dart to my fragile heart. But now, I shared Chris’s sentiment.
“I bet I would.”
I didn’t hear from Shane aside from a text on Wednesday with details about when he’d pick me up.
I’d never been to a frat party, and I didn’t have a clue what to wear. I texted Mia and asked her. In hindsight, I wasn’t sure I should have asked a senior in high school for advice on frat parties, but I was almost sure she’d attended more parties than I ever had.
> Shane was picking me up at eight. By five to eight, I was reconsidering the coral A-line dress and red lipstick. I was fluffing my hair, making sure the waves I’d added looked natural and not like they were the result of a one-hour session with my curling wand.
“Stop mushing it. You’ll undo all that hard work. You look amazing. Now get some shoes on before he gets here,” Haley insisted.
I slipped on the wedge sandals I still hadn’t worn. The ones with the same coral detail that matched my dress. I’d been practicing walking in them for the last three nights. Ever since Haley convinced me Shane was into me, I was determined to give it my best shot.
“How do I look?” I did a little twirl for Haley, ending up standing on one leg and bending my other leg back, my hand resting on my hip.
“Like you’re going to give that guy a coronary. You’re good to go.” Haley grinned.
“Thanks for helping me get ready.” I hugged my roommate.
A knock sounded on the door, and the nervous butterflies that had been building in my stomach all day burst to life.
“I’ll get it.” Haley pointed to my bag, reminding me to collect my phone and tuck it in there.
“Hey.” Haley held the door open for Shane. “Ready for your date?”
“Yeah…” The rest of his words died on his lips. The moment he saw me and our eyes connected, that spark was there again. But this time I could see it reflected all over his face, too. From the dazed stare of his eyes, to the slackening of his jaw. Shane looked as affected as me.
“You ready?” I smiled, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
Shane swallowed and spoke. “Absolutely.” He held out his hand to me, and I didn’t hesitate. I reached out and grabbed hold of it. He interlaced our fingers, and the warmth spread from my fingers all the way up my arm and into my chest.
Once in the car, Shane leaned toward me. He cleared his throat. “I’ve missed you, Abs.”
